Just asked alcoholic dh to leave (again)...

[halfcaff]

Hi, have posted about this before. I allowed dh back home after only a few days back in March, when I had asked him to leave temporarily while he got some help for his alcoholism. He claimed to be totally shocked, intended to change and went straight to AA. Stayed completely sober for 2 weeks then started to slip, and has been slipping more and more ever since. He hates AA, and has stopped going. He has not looked into any other kind of therapy, counselling, hypnosis, etc. but has got anti-d's from GP which he has been taking for a month, just increased the dose. They seemed to help at first but now he is just drinking on top.

I have been attending Al Anon for a year, have read Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, learned a lot about alcoholism and talked to both recovering alcoholics and partners of active and recovering alcoholics, and I have really struggled with making 'detachment' work when I just will not tolerate him drinking around the dc or coming home drunk, even if not very drunk. I had given him leeway by saying, look I know stopping is hard, but just please stay away if you want a drink after work or something. (He commutes over an hour away)

He let us down again last night, and there were two empty wine bottles in his backpack. He swore he hadn't been drinking.

I have just told him not to come home tonight or this weekend, except to collect some stuff and go to his mum's, and if he gets some real help there may be one more chance, but that is it. If he comes home tonight I will go to a solicitor tomorrow. I hate the thought of it.

If I knew he would comply quietly, I would feel little but relief. I just know he his going to try to talk me round again with promises and pleading - that's the bit I am dreading.

Any support, also 'shares' from those in similar circumstances, would be gratefully received.

[halfcaff]

Thanks BCBG for sharing such a personal and painful story. It did cross my mind that his mum might have to deal with unpleasant scenes, but he is not moving in there, just staying for the weekend. He is still the main breadwinner for our family and he can't commute from hers, so I sincerely hope not!
I need to know he has got somewhere 1) to know he has taken this seriously and is not expecting to come home any day soon and 2) so he is not asking me what he should do next all the time. I think as long as he is floating around friends and colleagues he is going to keep pestering.
I am determined to stay strong. I know it's going to be hard.

[halfcaff]

Difficult phone call this morning as predicted he had not grasped the timescale of this and thought he had 'done his time'. He tried to backtrack on this when I said I wasn't doing this to punish him but to give me and the children the space we needed for some stability in our lives. Also as predicted he asked me where I suggested he should stay.
I think he has got it now, but still doesn't really understand why, and as he has always been a bit of a victim I am sure he really thinks he is being got at. The binge on wednesday night which was the last straw this time round was a 'huge mistake' and the increased dose of anti-depressants has now suddenly kicked in meaning he never wants to drink again and it would make him feel ill etc...
We are off bowling now (bus and train ride away as he has the car) to try and have some fun. Had to deal with a pre-teen meltdown this morning as dd suddenly found out the annual fair was on in the park where we used to live and she wanted to meet up with all her old friends there and she HATES me because I said no (This was at about 11 a.m. when she and ds were still in pyjamas, and it's about at least a 2 hour journey!)
More to come this evening when I hear what dh has planned and how he is getting the car back to me.

[BCBG]

He will say anything to maintain a status quo where he vpcan carry on drinking, and in his eyes, managing the problem. the tablets excuse is an old one my sister users. Guess what...she carried on drinking anyway. It won't be long before his binges are so frequent that his work can smell it on him and then he will be deeper in it than eve. He is an uncontrolled alcoholic, but because it is a bing pattern , like my sis, he doesn't, really doesn't think this is out of control. The difficulty is for you in that you have to stay firm, but he probably won't voluntarily seek help until he has got worse than this. He will blame you for any relapse in the meantime, but stick it out, it ill hopefully be worth it in the end.

[Anjelika]

Halfcaff - I really feel for you and remember you from the supporting a recovering alcoholic thread. Like yours, my DH is no longer a recovering one. He managed 25 days sober I think and has now been drinking for about the same time again but the situation is just getting worse and worse for me. My DH doesn't work so he has all day to drink. He is no longer capable of looking after the children (3 under school age) so I am paying a nanny the best part of my salary to look after them. At least I have absolute peace of mind when I'm at work rather than the constant worrying and it just means I'm a step closer to being able to manage on my own. I'd be interested to hear how anyone in my situation has managed to get their alcoholic partner out of the family home. I saw a solicitor on Friday and, unless he's actually violent or hurts someone, she said it's not possible. I talked to her about the possible risks of having him there and the emotional abuse but she said they don't count. My only option is to petition for divorce or go for a trial separation if he'll agree to it.

Anjelika

[halfcaff]

Hi Anjelika

Sorry you are going through this again too. It's true what you say about 'being a step closer to being able to manage on my own' - it's been a gradual process as I have been almost entirely responsible for childcare etc for a long time, the only things he does are a bit of DIY (as and when it takes his fancy, not what actually needs doing necessarily!) and mowing the lawn, trimming hedges etc, and bicycle maintenance! (Usually a good cover for drinking in the garage). I have been increasingly having a separate social life, more often than not we sleep apart, and conversation is limited. So what exactly do I have to miss when he is not here? I even managed to get the chain back on dd's bike the other day (it was wedged, not a straightforward procedure) - something I would have left him to do before. Financially we are secure while he continues to work but that is always on a knife-edge, would be anyway but even more so because of his drinking.

He did agree to stay away - I sent him a link to a 'spare room' site and he is half-way between work and home, so can visit the dc when I say. I said if he came back I would move out with the dc and file for divorce, that if he wasn't prepared to respect my wishes then he clearly had no idea how serious the situation is. I think he has rented a room for a month initially, so I can breathe for the moment. Annoyingly he has taken the car, and I am wondering when I will get it back...

BCBG I fear that you are right about the pills, that is why I have insisted he is away for at least a month - that will be double the time he stayed sober before, and the higher dose really will have been established by then. He will also need another GP consultation at that time. I fear the outlook is bleak, but am trying to remain optimistic, whilst carrying on with other plans I have made. He has been going on like this for years, and so far has never missed a day of work, though he has gone in stinking at times. He's probably not the only one!

Planning a night out with a girlfriend mid-week soon, and going to a close friend's wedding this weekend. Were going to go together but I'd say there's a fairly good chance he would have ruined it!

[Anjelika]

Hi Halfcaff

Like you, I feel the outlook is bleak right now. I really want my DCs to grow up with 2 parents in the house but not if one of them is an alcoholic. As I have 3, it is so much easier when both of us are there - either at home or out in the park etc and I really worry that they just won't get enough 1 on 1 attention if it's just me who's there for them. However, if DH does not stop drinking then it will have to be just me. I agreed with him that if he did not stop drinking by last night, he'd move out until he did and he seems to have actually stopped. He went to counselling last night and has another session booked for Friday but he is really really struggling. He still refuses to go to AA although I think he's used their helpline recently. Your story about the bike fixing being a cover for drinking in the garage made me laugh. My DH has been pretending to go running in order to get drink. He gets all dressed up in his running gear and comes back without a bead of sweat on him. I even think he's been going out pretending to phone AA when in fact he's just been going out to get more drink.

[halfcaff]

Anjelika, if my dh claimed to be going running I'd know for sure something was up!
He phoned tonight and said he would come over on Saturday morning, spend the morning with us then go when we go off to my parents, leaving me with the car, phew. I don't mind if he stays here when we're not, as long as he is gone when we get back. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is the best thing for all of us - he is tearful and miserable when he talks to us and still thinks he's being punished and he would do much better at home. History shows that is probably not the case.

[Anjelika]

Hi Halfcaff. My nightmare continues. DH is still drinking and refuses to leave the family home. He says he is trying to stop and is almost proud of himself when he's only had a small amount to drink during the day. I am so fed up with him it's untrue. As he won't leave voluntarily and I can't get an occupation order as he's not violent, my only option is to file for divorce. All I want is for him to move out until he's sober and has sorted himself out a bit, just to give me some space as I can't bear having him around when he'd drinking. Sometimes he agrees to this but the next time I speak to him he's changed his mind again. Hope your morning goes OK tomorrow. I have told my DH I would feel a lot more kindly towards him if he wasn't living with us and I only saw or spoke to him when he was sober but he just doesn't seem to get it!

[LieInsAreRarerThanTigers]

It's a familiar scene Anjelika - my dh thinks he has made so much progress by cutting down the amount he did, i.e. having a few days in the week where he wasn't completely plastered at some point. I went out with a friend this week whose dh was depressed and decided off his own bat to stop drinking and go on a-d's, and is now absolutely evangelical about how wonderful this has made him feel. He is going to contact dh. Definitely the sort of friend he needs.
Having him out hasn't made things as calm as I might have hoped, and I just can't help feeling sad and sorry for him that it has come to this. I am already dreading going through the 'last chance' when he comes back, as I will again be forced into the position of being the booze police and I am not very optimistic really, feel we are going to go through all the lies and drunk bouts again then end up divorcing.
Dd is doing major pre-teen strops at the moment, hard to say if it's better or worse or no different with it being just me and the dc.

[LieInsAreRarerThanTigers]

By the way, I am halfcaff - was inspired to change my name this week by someone's story about their granddaughter! You like it?

[bobblehead]

Hows things Halfcaff?

Mine has majorly relapsed this past week and while promising not to drink again all mentions of AA/rehab are avoided. I actually called some colleagues of his today who I know buy drink for him and had an interesting chat with them and they are going to confront him next week and make it clear they will not do this anymore. I also called a friend of his who is a recovered addict (who he ditched as he became invloved himself). I've only met him once so I really didn't want to do it, but he was very kind and unaware of dh's problems and I felt better for speaking to him. Overall I just felt better to speak to people who are also affected by his drinking and see it for themselves.

Hope things are going ok for you, and you Anjelika. Its so hard isn't it?

[LieInsAreRarerThanTigers]

Hi bobble, Ticking along ok without him at the moment, knowing he is totally miserable with the situation but not knowing whether he is drinking or not...it's a bit odd but I'm getting used to it. He has ben looking into some alternatives to AA and I think counselling would help him, but he is so busy with work and won't take time off as he is freelance and loses money.
I have been enjoying my social life, seeing old friends, a wedding on my own and have just arranged to go to Cornwall for a 40th birthday. All of these things would have been not possible, or very anxiety-provoking, with him around.

[Anjelika]

Hi Bobble and Halfcaff-that-was

Things have bucked up a bit for me. DH finally stopped his month long "lapse" on Sunday and went to a 2.5 hour specialist counselling session yesterday, which he organised all by himself. I know he was pinning a lot of hope on this session and he doesn't seem to have come back disappointed so fingers crossed for the moment. He is now back in the land of the living and whilst it's brilliant that he's helping out again and I have someone to mull over the day with, it is a bit odd adjusting to sharing my evenings with him again!! I'd got very used to eating on my own, being on the computer and watching what I wanted on TV. Bobble - I'm glad that you have found someone to speak to and Halfcaff-that-was, let's hope that your friend's experiences can inspire your DH.

[LieInsAreRarerThanTigers]

Excellent news! Can you tell us what the counselling organisation was, was it arranged through GP etc?