Is it me or my mother? What have I done wrong? Can it be fixed?

[shelfy74]

Just read the thread re narcissistic mothers and wondered what you would all make of my mum? My gorgeous son is now 7 weeks old. From the start mum hasn't been as interested in this baby as she was my first, now nearly 3. For example she knitted for my first and said she was too busy (she works 4 hours a week) to knit anything for the new baby. She hasn't bought anything for the baby except a shorts and t shirt set yet my first son was showered with gifts.

Mum and dad live 50 mins drive away, it's about 30 miles. Dad is 82 and developing dementia over past few years. She has just turned 70 but is fit and well, very active. I am their only child and there were arguments some years back just after my first son was born about dad driving as he has visual hallucinations. Mum said she felt unsafe with him driving too. Eventually it was agreed he wouldn't drive distances anymore and since then they have barely visited. They have been on bus about 4 times in the past 2 years but this takes 3 hours each way so its not practical. There is a train route but they won't entertain coming this way, I'm not sure why but suspect its because they have a free bus pass but would have to pay for the train. Mum can drive but refuses to drive here as the most direct way involves a short stretch of motorway which she won't drive on. There are several other non motorway routes but she won't try them despite me offering to accompany her, have her follow me etc. So basically she says that she lives too far away to come to me.

When I was pregnant for the second time my biggest worry was who would care for my son when I was in labour. I asked mum. She said she'd come and I spoke about getting a taxi arranged and prepaid etc for her. However nearer the time she said she didn't think she could leave my dad and I should make other arrangements. I was really hurt and struggled to make these I think mainly because I felt this should have been my mums role. But I did arrange for friend to take him.

Anyway to cut a long story short my labour was horrendous, 69 hours culminating in an emergency c section. I lost 2 litres of blood and was very unwell. My childcare arrangements were a disaster as I had only expected at most to need 1 overnight, although friends helped massively mum never offered to come.

My partner obviously rang my mum following the birth to tell her she had a new grandchild and she said she and Dad would visit in 2 days time, not the next day as she had to work (she is a self employed yoga teacher, she runs a 2 hour class). At this point DP had words with her, he felt strongly she should cancel work given how poorly I was (and that she had a new grandson) but she refused. Anyway the next day she got my dad to ring my DP to say it wasn't worth coming for 1 hour (hospital visiting hours). Another row ensued and eventually they turned up the next day having got a lift with friends of theirs. This was a very strained visit, I was pretty much off my head on painkillers and still in bed on drips / catheter etc. She didn't even bring me a bunch of flowers or anything.

Because my son then became unwell with severe jaundice we were in hospital for 9 days after the birth. They didn't visit again.

On return home again no visit was arranged however this was academic because within 2 days my son was back in hospital this time with bronchiolitis. This was terrifying and he ended up on a ventilator (cpap machine) and in hospital for a further 9 days. On top of this I was not recovering well from surgery and had a wound infection. It may sound dramatic now but at the time I thought my baby might die. Also we had major problems with sorting childcare for my older son so we could both be at the hospital. After me explicitly begging her, my mum came for 1 night, driven by friends, and again made it clear she would have to return to go to work and care for my dad (though she happily leaves him for several hours most days to go shopping). She said she couldn't let her class down and needed the money. Money is not an issue for them she has since purchased a brand new car. She looked after my son but expressed little or no concern re the new baby or how I was coping.

Thankfully we are all home and recovered now. Up until today I haven't been able to drive following my section and I'm still sore. I have really wanted what everyone else seems to have; a mum to come and mother me through this awful time. I've been don, in pain, emotionally exhausted, arguing with DP and unable to keep on top of a house, toddler and new baby. I have told her I am struggling, she just says things will get better. A few times she has commented she wished I lived nearer so she could help.

We have been over to mums once with the kids, I felt pressure to go as they hadn't really met their new grandson. She hasn't been here again. She is putting some pressure for me to visit again, making comments like she doesnt know what the baby looks like but she hasn't made any offer to come here.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it's her duty to come to me? When my older son was born I drove over weekly so they could see him and the same is clearly expected now. She doesn't seem to realise (or care?) what I have been through physically or emotionally.

I think that she just doesn't love me and isn't interested in her new grandson. This is unbelievably hurtful and I am consumed with turning it over in my head again and again, wondering if I have done something to cause it, if I could do something to fix it, to give me a mum like everyone else seems to have. I needed a mum over the past few weeks.

What do other people think?

It's been a long time since I posted here, thought an update probably in order. Long delay caused mainly by me being down but your comments were food for thought and I did try to treat my mum more kindly. To answer a few of the questions raised previously, DP felt my parents should come as I was asking for them and because he had truly believed at the time of the emcs that I or the baby might die. Post birth counselling from midwife and a trawl of my notes suggests he wasn't wrong. He got angry when my mother put her yoga class above coming to see her daughter who had just been through all that. His mother (no dad) is unwell and in another country so unable to travel. Anyway, since I wrote my original post my dad has had his specialist eyesight test and been diagnosed with macular degeneration which apparently totally explains the visual hallucinations and dementia has been ruled out.
In light of that I've actually started to feel really upset re their lack of support towards me when my son was born and when he was ill. They still haven't been over. Do people still think I should be understanding, or is my mother basically a heartless bitch?

You know what, you can't change her. It's desperately sad not to have a motherly mum - there are a lot of us in that boat. It does sound as though you have a supportive dp and friends though? That's where my "family" relationships are - I'm much closer to friends than to my parents.

Give her as much of your time and attention as you want and if she pressurises you to visit her more, the answer is "well you're welcome to come to us". She doesn't have a "duty" to help or visit you, but it cuts both ways. I felt much much better when I started putting the same amount of effort into my relationship with my parents as they did (i.e. none!).

I feel for you OP - as playdough said it's disappointing when you realise that your Mum doesn't end up being as supportive as you would have thought. I've had a similar experience in my family and I now don't make a major effort if it's not reciprocated frankly. Concentrate on your own setup with your OH and your kids and if you've anytime left over than spend it wisely.

Give her a break. She has a lot on her plate - your expectations seem to be quite high of an elderly woman whose husband has dementia. This is not her first grandchild and she may well be feeling her age more now.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time but many people don't get any help at all from their mothers, and don't expect any.

Notsogoldenoldie - expecting too much? For a woman who works, goes out every day, who has a brand new car sitting on the drive and for whom money is no object, to make a 50 minute trip once in the last 13 weeks to see her only child and new grandson, both of whom were very very ill? Really? Dads eye test revealed macular degeneration, apparently there is no dementia.

I think you need to manage your expectations. She is not (at the moment) the mother/grandmother you want, need and wish for. For whatever reason she is unwilling to do that. There may be no reason that she (or you) can articulate as to why, but it's not happening, so you need to grieve for that lost relationship and move on.

My inlaws first met DC4 when he was 5.5 months old. Since his birth they had been on holiday and on longer day trips out than the distance to ours. They just have a "people visit us" mentality. Ok there are travelling and pet issues, but on paper it's nothing that couldn't be overcome if they wanted to, but clearly they don't. DH can't make them more interested in his children.

shelfy - I think you've answered your own question!! She has a car, a job, and money - she has, in short, her own life!! It may not be what you want, or expect, but many people have the "people visit us" mentality as stated by pork, particularly older folks who may be set in their ways. She may also feel entititled to live her life as she wants now, particularly if your dad's condition is likely to deteriorate.

You are not happy with this, evidently, but you have presumably chosen to have another child; perhaps you should have discussed your expectations of your mum with her before the child was born?

Incidentally, my mum lived 40 minutes' drive away from me and visited me twice in ten years (but expected me to visit her religiously every week!)

Of course my child was planned, and I certainly did not expect any practical help from my mum, she has nailed her colours to the mast there. But given the reasonably extreme circumstances of my sons birth and subsequent illness is it really unreasonable of me to think she might have made the effort? She has asked ds1 three times in as many days if he is coming to her house, meaning he's been asking me to go. This certainly feels manipulative, quite surprised that people seem to think her behaviour is reasonable? I know if either of my dcs were in hospital after major surgery very unwell and asking for me, the least I would do is take the day off work to be with them. As she didn't I can't help but conclude she doesn't love me.

Why not simply ask her why she couldn't be there for you when you really needed her to be? At least then you would know, rather than speculating around her behaviours. There might be some really good reasons which she hasn't been able to share with you - or there might not. She might simply be crap.

shelfy i suspect it would be worth telling your mother how upset you were that she didn't come when you were so ill in hospital. I agree with you that you were right to be upset about that. And potentially about the different treatment.

on the other hand what I've noticed is that when people are older they decide what they are willing to do (fair enough of course) and can become very inflexible about this, not in a mean way, it's just reality.

Sorry you feel so hurt.

But I have to say now that I am getting older I have a lot less energy than I did even 10 yrs ago. A 70 yr old who is still working and looking after an older partner with dementia has a huge amt on her plate. My mum is 80 and has been very insecure about driving for at least 6 years - especially alone.

You are younger and stronger and have a partner. She is

I think a chat along the lines of 'I am sorry you weren't able to look after DC1, but I can see why it wasn't possible' rather than get cross with her.

I'm sorry you feel hurt, but have to say, I go along with what the previous poster says!

I work full time commuting five days a week and am in my50's.
the housework etc that 3 years ago I used to easily tackle on a Saturday is now taking much longer and I can feel myself slowing up!
It is hard for my grown son's who still live at home to see and appreciate how much less energy I have, and I think when you are younger it is hard to appreciate what an older person can cope with.

I don't think your Mother "doesn't love you" at all.

If you are (am I right?) their only child, you have been used to being able to call on them in the past.

Your Dad is very elderly and it is a lot for anyone to cope with and I can appreciate her reluctance to get on a Motorway, in short its a lot of hassle!

I'm sure as she did it for the first child, she would in her heart of hearts liked to have been there for you and the second child, you just don't switch off your caring gene!

Her caring side is now directed towards her DH, do please cut them a bit of slack.

Go and see your parents, I'm sure they are just finding life tiring.

Don't freeze them out I'm sure they love you.

I agree total with the previous poster. They are getting on a bit and getting to you isn't easy. I think you just need to accept that she isn't the doting grandmother you would like and appreciate her for what she is.

Ps, a baby being on cpap is not the same as being ventilated or on a ventilator. They are completely different.

Well, I'm going to disagree with most people on here and say that I think that your mum was being totally out of order. A bit hug to you, OP, it sounds like you could do with one after everything you've been through.

I can't understand how other posters are just glossing over comments like these:

"She didn't even bring me a bunch of flowers or anything."

"She said she couldn't let her class down and needed the money. Money is not an issue for them she has since purchased a brand new car. She looked after my son but expressed little or no concern re the new baby or how I was coping."

Age 70 or not (which let's face it is not that old these days, and the OP has said herself that her mum is fit and active - she teaches bloody yoga, FGS!), there is no excuse for not showing any interest or even sympathy in her daughter's situation. Someone needs to question exactly why that is.

Rather than sit and stew about it, OP, I would just HAVE to either ring her or write her a letter explaining how I feel. Probably a letter. And in it I would ask "Is Dad's situation worse than I think it is? Because the level of interest you have shown to me and this baby this time around is much less than the first time which leads me to assume that maybe something heavy is going on with dad that you're not telling me." She must have a better explanation than her bloody yoga class, surely.

And regarding the macular degeneration - it will be very hard to deal with too especially if the symptoms can be mistaken for dementia.

I am in my late 40s and my parents are 80. I have started to worry about my parents and do things for them rather than the other way around now. There is a time when they cannot care for their children and GC as much as they once would and maybe need a little help themselves?

It is not all about you. Yes you were very ill but there is nothing your mother could have done to make you or your son better.

She did turn up after your DP had a go at her and things weren't pleasant as you said. Why would she want to be around him now?

Your dad has been diagnosed since your original post. He has been unwell for several years in your OP. Your mother has had him to worry about, tests, trips to doctors etc and deal with all this time and still does to a degree now he isn't magically just cured. She has enough stress of her own.

Perhaps he is more important to her right now and she and he need more support than you and your children when you have a supportive partner and she has had to deal with this for hers?

Yes, but Xales, her mother might well not have been able to make her better, but where were the phone calls and just general interest in her daughter. It's not all about the OP's mother either.

I find a lot of people tend to grow very insular and just plain selfish as they get older. Maybe they don't realise how hurtful that can be to relatives.

Thank you curly, I was starting to think I have gone mad.

Well I am going to come in on a different tack, Shelfy.

I think this has got something to do with jealousy that you have two children and she only had one. She was really nice and supportive when you had your first DS, right? Well I think that's because - in her (probably subconscious) view - you were "allowed" to have one child because that's all she had. Whether she wanted more, or only wanted you, she might think that what she had was "good enough for me so it should be good enough for Shelfy."

The lack of support sounds to me like she's thinking - well you've made your bed, you've got to lie in it. Or perhaps she sees your having another child as a criticism of her.

I have a friend who had one DC followed by a couple of heartbreaking miscarriages. I was devastated for her and supported her the best I could, as she did me when I had three miscarriages. She was lovely to me when I had my first DC, but when I went on to have DD she dropped me like a stone. I was going to ask her to be DD's Godmother, we were that close. But she has never even seen her and DD is 10 this year. I do understand - it's my friend's grief for the babies she lost that makes her quite unable to bear it when other people are luckier than she was. We have a long-distance friendship now.

I am not saying that your mother is like this friend of mine. But quite a few women are competitive about the number of children they have. I do think it sounds like resentment that you will have more children than she did and want her help with them. Maybe she chose to have one child - in that case that may have been because she thought she wanted to give you her whole attention and thinks you should have done the same.

Who knows? But that's my take on it.

yes surely it's not the presence as such but the apparent lack of concern going on?

I think BalloonSlayer might be onto something too. think Ballo

Balloonslayer, I am genuinely shocked by your perceptiveness. The phrase "you've made your bed" is one often used by my mum. She was disapproving when I announced this pregnancy, to the extent I felt I was a 14 year old girl, not a 36 year old professional with a mortgage and a toddler. She has always been open that I was not planned and said my dad told her that if she wanted "it" she "would have to look after it on her own". She told me that when I was very young. Later in the pregnancy she mentioned that she wouldn't be "bothered" if it was a boy but she thought it was a girl and that would be lovely. I do think she is disappointed at my sons gender. Could these things be why she hasn't been able to support me (and I do mean emotionally, even via phone calls or a card / bunch of flowers delivered would mean so much)?

OP this thread is quite mad imo.

I can totally see why you are devastated by your Mother's attitude.

Please read "Toxic Parents" don't be put off by the title there is stuff in that book for all of us to learn from regardless of whether we'd classify our parents as "toxic".

For me the book clarified that my Mum has a definite tendency to make any problem if mine into scarabs for her so that my primary worry will turn towards her not me.

Is your older DS in any childcare can you afford a couple if nursery sessions? Is DP sharing household tasks etc?

How do you feel about travelling to visit your parents? Describe a typical visit.

into a drama for her

I feel sad for you, too, OP - I've felt let down a lot by my DM in the past, but never been in as extreme circumstances as you clearly were.

It's a horrible thing to realise that your mother, for whatever reason, will never be the kind of mother you feel you need - or the kind you assume you'll be to your own DCs in the future.

It feels like another stage in the growing-up process in some ways; time to dig deep and rely on your own reserves and whatever help you can muster elsewhere. Still feels sad, though. It's a bastard, really.

I hope you find a way to come to terms.