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Original poster

serious advice - gender identity

50 replies

joannexd · 10/05/2011 17:16

I have dressed in female clothes for as long as i can remember, not continually and punctuated by long periods of guilt about it and purging of my wardrobe etc

I have been married 20 years and in the most sensitive ways i can imagine I have tried to broach the subject or introduce the topic or provide hints. Everything I have garnered from this exercise tells me that it would be unacceptable to my wife - so I dont do it in her presence or even mention it

However I do have a very strong need to dress and feel comfortable when presenting as female. I have attended one party en femme and dressed appropriately as a 40 something woman sensitively made up with a natural looking wig and coordinated accesories I was accepted by other women as at least an acceptable 'person' No doubt that iwasnt a natural female but i had very normal conversations with women my age and younger and was refered to as 'she ' and 'her' , complimented on my outfit etc and it all felt very natural

I have ventured out at other times to bars etc and found that men respond to me as female and i loved that feeling of even just an inkling of female sexual power.

I have frequently harboured fantasies about being a 'real ' woman i.e gender ressignment , hormones ( not that they work so well at my age) facial surgery etc and altho i have a very healthy sex life with my wife and I adore her I still fantasise about sex as a woman , being seduced and made love to by a very masculine man , oral and vaginal sex . I have had cyber sex with many men fully immersed in my female persona , some of whom have known i was male some not

My take on all of this is that i can be accepted as an attractive person in a male or female persona and that all i may be doing is to have found a rather aberrant way of expressing the feminine side of my nature , or making it even more explicit for whatever reason is rooted in my sub- conscious. I feel sexier as a woman than i ever felt as a man and even more so when men respond to me Unfortunately I cant be female because my genetics are male and as it would cause untold hurt to those i love most dearly i accept what i must be

What do the panel think about keeping this aspect of myself hidden for 20 + years? If I came out to you how would you respond?

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 10/05/2011 17:19

You have had cyber sex and you are married. Regardless of all the rest, which I suspect you may ue as a convenient excuse, that makes you a total twunt. How can you lead your wife on like this? Leave her and sort your head out.

Pancakeflipper · 10/05/2011 17:23

Personally I would initially feel my world has fallen apart. I would think I had been living a lie for 20 hrs and feel like I couldn't trust my own instincts anymore. I suppose I would eventually calm down but I doubt I'd be one of those much more understanding partners who go to shopping malls to buy frocks and make-up.

I know that's not what you to hear but I would.
Though after 20yrs your partner has not a slight inkling?

Is it the Beaumont society who can help with this and support the family.

holyShmoley · 10/05/2011 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 10/05/2011 17:25

You are in a marriage. Being confused about your gender identity is not an excuse to be unfaithful to your spouse (which is what you're doing when you're having a sexual experience with another person).

If you want to come out and feel like she wouldn't accept you, then you need to end the marriage and explore this as a single person.

madonnawhore · 10/05/2011 17:26

'My partner doesn't understand me' is the oldest excuse in the book for cheats. Doesn't matter what it is that they don't understand, it doesn't make the excuse any more valid.

Original poster

joannexd · 10/05/2011 17:37

ok cyber sex meaning giving a man a sexual experience purely by text, not proud of it but just to be clear what i mean. q possibly less damaging than real sex but a type of infidelity i agree, no excuse offered

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 10/05/2011 17:43

It is infidelity - you are living another life your wife isn't aware of. It's a huge part of your life. Not a teenyweeny part.

And from the sounds of it, one that would devastate her. Do your wife a favour - don't leave it too long if you wish to continue on with this before you tell her. Then she has the opportunity to decide if she wants to continue with you or start afresh life without you.

LostInTransmogrification · 10/05/2011 17:57

I think that it must be very hard for you to have spent such a long time hiding such a large part of your personality from your close family and friends. But I would question why you would want to reveal this side. You mention cyber sex with men and meeting men in bars who respond to you as a woman. You dont seem to want sec with a woman (any woman not just your wife?) If you are intending to carry on doing this, or going further then you most definitely need to be honest with your wife, as it is in effect having an affair. If you just want to dress up occasionally then maybe she would rather not know (although I think partners should try to be as honest as possible, and this does seem to be quite a significant part of who you see yourself as). I think you should discuss this with your wife as you don't seem to be happy with the life you have and she needs to know.

Original poster

joannexd · 10/05/2011 18:01

Thanks , i am very aggressively heterosexual most of the time however and have a wonderful sex life with my wife . I adore women in a physical sense also

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 10/05/2011 18:07

Forget you for a moment - what about your wife?

Original poster

joannexd · 10/05/2011 18:10

lol didnt you know that this is a narcissistic thing with a lot of transgender people , and im only being slightly facetious

OP posts:

Original poster

joannexd · 10/05/2011 18:13

And my wife is extraordinarily beautiful and warm and sexy and a tremendous flirt . and not immune to the charms of other men being , as she is , rather insecure

OP posts:

bejeezus · 10/05/2011 18:19

if I was happily married to my husband, I wouldnt have a problem with him cross dressing and I could stay married.

couldnt cope with him being transgender or transexual.

I would be most upset in your case, by the betrayal. And, I think I would probably leave you on the basis of that

DrGruntFotter · 10/05/2011 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JamieAgain · 10/05/2011 18:27

and not immune to the charms of other men being , as she is , rather insecure

Wonder why?

TheCrackFox · 10/05/2011 18:32

Your wife has no idea who you really are.

You need to tell her the truth and then take it from there. No one can predict how she will react - it might make your marriage stronger or ultimately you might break up. She does, however, have the right to know.

thisisyesterday · 10/05/2011 18:35

really good post by GDF there.

I would like to think that if my dp told me he wanted to dress as a woman I would accept that (don't mind a bit of Nicky Wire myself).. but I am 30, and I think that things like this are far more acceptable to younger generations perhaps?

Infidelity is not ok, in any sense, regardless of transgender/transvestite issues. You chose to marry your wife and you should be faithful to her...

Do you think that you would ever go ahead with becoming a woman? in terms of taking drugs, having surgery? If not then you need to stop thinking about having sex as a woman, because that is NOT going to happen.
If you do want to do this then you need to tell your wife because it isn't just your life you would be changing.
A lot of what you have said is about sex and you need to also think about what this would mean for your wifes sex life... she may not want to have sex with a woman!

I do think you should tell your wife though, because I don't think, from what you have said, that you can keep this aspect of your life hidden very much longer and it will manifest itself in other ways which will be damaging to both of you.

Malificence · 10/05/2011 18:50

Simple answer, if you were my husband I would kill you - how could you do this to the person you are meant to love them most in this world?
You don't mention children, are they irrelevant in your life if you have them?

You are a disgusting liar and a cheat, however you want to dress it up.

Pancakeflipper · 10/05/2011 19:09

I don't think it's a generational thing...

JessicaDrew · 11/05/2011 11:13

i think you need to get it out in the open, and take the concequences
if your wife is as sexy as you say and she is understanding there are things called strap-ons, maybe she could give you what you need

madonnawhore · 11/05/2011 11:23

"this is a narcissistic thing"

You're not kidding.

lazarusb · 11/05/2011 19:48

Hello OP. My father had a gender reassignment about 6 years ago (mid 50s). If you would like to PM me I am more than happy to discuss this with you further.

elephantsaregreen · 11/05/2011 21:05

Hi Joannexd

Infidelity aside I do think you should come clean with your wife about who you really are. If you look for a sex positive counselour that could be a big help. Screen them first and don't settle for a douchebag who thinks you are sick, because you're not.

I think you've had a big of a flaming here for the infidelity stuff... and I agree that you shouldn't have cheated. But I'll point out that you have (perhaps a bit timidly) tried to talk to your wife and found it very difficult and she wasn't receptive.

You might find that she'll want to leave. She is entitled to, but that might be a price worth paying if it means you get to live your life the way you feel is being true to who you are.

Yes, you have hurt her, and some of that was avoidable (the infidelity) but some of it wasn't. Growing up in a transphobic society makes it very hard for people to recognise, explore and embrace anything other than a binary gender identity.

Good luck!

Gay40 · 11/05/2011 22:45

Mal, don't say things that make you sound unhinged. Clearly you have no idea about transgender issues. It's this narrowminded shite that makes people fearful of discussing it.

I'm not agreeing with lying and cheating, but many transgender people keep their feelings inside them for decades for fear of upsetting their loved ones. Until the stress of it becomes too much.
Oh, I could go on and on.....but as you've only had the one bloke and a happy marriage there's no trying to explain it to you.
If it was my husband, I'd feel very sad and sorry that he couldn't share his most innermost thoughts and fears with me, and worried about our future together or apart.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/05/2011 00:05

Joanne: I second the advice you got to contact the Beaumont Society, or at least some other organisations/support group for people with gender issues, whether that's just dressing or whether they want gender reassigmnent. You will be able to find help and support with ways of telling your wife. Because you do really have to tell her. The trouble with keeping a large part of your life secret is that there is no guarantee it will stay secret. You, like a lot of other people, have found that the general social pressure to be heteromonogamous when actually, you;re not, has led you into some bad decisions. Your sexuality and sexual identities are parts of you that will not just go away, so you need to discuss it properly with your wife and find out if she will accept you as you are, what her conditions for acceptance would be, and whether you can accept her conditions - or whether you need to end your marriage.
Best of luck.

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