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Original poster

Should I bring up strip club visit days later?

35 replies

ThistleDoNicely · 09/05/2011 15:08

I'm less than pleased at my husband visiting a strip club at the weekend but not sure if I am overreacting or if I should bring it up and have my say now that a couple of days have passed.

It was my husband's birthday on Friday. He went out in Edinburgh with his brother who he doesn't see very often and was up for long weekend and my brother and met at least one other friend I think.

I was due to meet them in the evening but when I called at about 10.30pm they had just gone into a club. I said that I wasn't really up to that as I was knackered but rather than them have to leave in half an hour to get the last train, I'd hang about for an hour to give them a lift home (live about 15miles away and not great transport at night). When the hour was up I called to say I was in the car round the corner from the club they were in, but got no response from either my husband or my brother. I sat falling asleep in the car in the city centre for a further half an hour until he rang to say he was a few streets away. When they got in the car they were all rather drunk and blurted out that they'd been in a strip club, but it was ok because my husband had declined a private dance.

I was furious. If they had gone to the pub I would've joined them but because they were in a club I couldn't, but I thought I was being nice in waiting around to give them a lift as I wanted my husband to enjoy his last birthday before parental responsibility kicks in. But to leave his heavilly pregnant wife waiting in the car for 90minutes and move on to a strip club in that time really bothered me. He didn't even go to a strippers' on his stag - the only time he's gone was for his 20th birthday (8 years ago) when I actually paid for a dance for him. Maybe that's why he thought it would be ok, but given that we haven't had sex for more than six months and I am feeling particularly fat, ugly and fet up at this stage I thought he might have a bit more sensitivity.

I told him at the time I didn't like it. There was no appology. But I didn't make a fuss because it was his birthday. His brother has been staying with us until today so again I didn't have it out with him because I didn't want to cause a scene when it's one of only a handful of times they get to see each other each year. I did mention the following day that we would have words about it but he didn't say anything. The problem is now that a couple of days have passed I feel like it would be a bit petty to bring it up now. I'm still annoyed about it but what will having a go at him really achieve? Any advice on what to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThistleDoNicely · 09/05/2011 15:10

Sorry, I should've previewed that before posting. I cut out a lot of the waffling and managed to remove the fact I am eight and a bit months pregnant - that was why I was so tired and why I couldn't join them in the club.

OP posts:
boodles · 09/05/2011 16:08

If is still bugging you days later then yes you should bring it up. In fact you have had time to digest what happened and you are able to speak to him about it now with a clearer mind than, maybe, you would have done had you been cross with him at the time. I think it is important to discuss things openly that have upset/hurt you, that way you can clearly communicate the issues, he knows you are upset, as you have already mentioned it to him, and so he has also had time to consider how he feels. Communication is key to a long term relationship. Also, if you don't tell him now, what happens next time?

zikes · 09/05/2011 16:21

Yes you should: if it's an issue then it's an issue.

superv1xen · 09/05/2011 16:36

why haven't you had sex for 6 months? and you say you are 8 1/2 months pg. sorry to be nosey but quite apart from the strip club issue, that rings alarm bells, no wonder you're feeling unattractive. Is the pregnancy putting one or both of you of sex?

but agree with other posters that if its bothering you, you should definitely mention it.

superv1xen · 09/05/2011 16:38

sorry, off sex i meant.

Original poster
ThistleDoNicely · 09/05/2011 16:54

When I started getting a bump he had er...problems performing. Since he could feel the baby move I think he's been put off having sex with me. We didn't have a great sex life before to be honest, but it's really getting me down now. Since developing horrible stretch marks I don't feel attractive anyway and I've put on loads of weight that is not just down to being pregnant. He did say at the start that me being exhausted and feeling ill all the time wasn't exactly a turn on, and that is worse now with swollen ankles and back pain, but we have had a couple of nice romantic encounters in the shower (but that was me bringing him to orgasm - he didn't touch me - and I did have to pretty much just get in with him and grab him to make that happen). I asked if he thinks we will get back to normal once the baby is here and he says yes. There have been a few times where I've suggested we have a shower together and tried to initiate things gently, but he said he was too tired or stressed from work. I think that is the thing that hurt most about the strip club visit - that he obviously does have an interest in sex, just not in me.

OP posts:
superv1xen · 09/05/2011 18:34

well he sounds a real charmer.

no wonder you feel like you do. "romantic encounter" in the shower, doesn't sound very romantic to me, him deigning to let you toss him off (or whatever it was) without him even touching you, i am sure that was very fulfilling for you Hmm

sorry, i don't really know what to say :(

superv1xen · 09/05/2011 18:39

whats up with these immature twats who go off sex when their partner's pg? my first DC was with a bloke like this, while i was pregnant he was blatantly freaked out and disgusted by it and he didn't want to do it from the moment i found out i was pg. and i felt like an absolute unnatractive fat blob even though looking back i looked pretty great tbh. and too good for him!

but luckily i got rid of him Wink when my first DC was a few months old and have since gone on to marry a new guy who i have another DC with. and he loved and fancied me as much as ever when i was pregnant in fact he made me feel like an absolute goddess and we were still doing it regularly up till 2 days before i gave birth to dd.

not suggesting to get rid of yours btw! just think he ought to be more considerate of you, a first pregnancy is a very daunting time for a woman in the best circumstances let alone if you think your partner has gone off you.

Original poster
ThistleDoNicely · 09/05/2011 18:53

Thing is, I don't know how much of it is just me being a bit over sensitive and hormonal. I know I wouldn't want him pestering me for sex because I am really sore and exhausted all the time. He is effectionate and cuddles me and rubs the bump etc but there's just nothing sexual and it has made me feel rather insecure. Even giving me a back rub every now and then would make me feel less repulsive. I guess I need to tell him that though.

I think maybe we have more to discuss than him eyeing up strippers for half an hour - come home to find no housework attempted and him gone (presume to his fitness class but no text or note left). He was off today and he knows I'm struggling still working full time and doing majority of day to day household chores so him making dinner for once would've been nice - I even did supermarket run yesterday while he hung out with his brother so know there's food in. Argh - rant over. Definite 'chat' tonight though I think.

OP posts:
BestNameEver · 09/05/2011 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 09/05/2011 19:21

I think a certain type of arsehole emotionally immature man reacts that way to his wife's pregnant body - imho, all women should ask prospective partners if they find pregnant women attractive, if they don't then run a mile.

OP he sounds like a selfish tosser, sorry, the strip club sounds like the least of your issues tbh.

I wouldn't call you acting as his wank sock in the shower particularly romantic either.

superv1xen · 09/05/2011 19:31

re your last line mal thats precisely what i thought too.

and OP, it just gets better, he is leaving all the housework to you as well? and you are working FULL TIME still at nearly your due date. christ.

Xales · 09/05/2011 20:13

I think you are right I think it is the lack of respect he is showing you.

He can leave you sitting around in a car, waiting for him to have fun like a servant when you are 8.5 months pregnant and not even having the decency to answer the phone to you. Who knows what could have happened that you may have been calling him.

That he can expect you to do all the housework, shopping and cooking and can't even be bothered to let you know where he is or when he will be in.

Maybe he is having his last few bits of freedom but he is being very selfish over it and if you don't have that chat why will he change?

SuchProspects · 09/05/2011 20:46

"Thing is, I don't know how much of it is just me being a bit over sensitive and hormonal."

None of it. What he is doing is totally self-centred.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 22:13

Your husband sounds like an absolute twat

for several reasons I can see here

sorry about that

Original poster
ThistleDoNicely · 09/05/2011 22:30

Well I told him how I felt. He was a bit defensive about the strip club thing saying he didn't really want to go, it was his mates who pushed him into it, he tried to get them out quicker etc. I told him that wasn't the point and with everything else it just feels like he never actually thinks about me. I asked if he thought that was fair and he said yes and that he realises he needs to step up and he's sorry. I said I was sick of having this same conversation about needing help with housework every couple if months and he said he does appreciate everything I do and looked suitably sheepish about it. Just have to see if he does step up now and not let him away with it if he does let things slide.
It's weird, I'm usually quite a determined and feisty character, but he works hard in a stressful job so I don't like to nag him to do things at home. I end up feeling a bit of a doormat when I'm just trying to be a caring and loving wife. Need to learn to speak out more perhaps.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 22:38

there is no "perhaps" about it

is this your first baby ?

coppertop · 09/05/2011 22:45

"saying he didn't really want to go, it was his mates who pushed him into it,"

I wouldn't even accept that feeble excuse from my 10yr-old, never mind a supposedly grown man.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 22:47

pathetic

carmenelectra · 09/05/2011 22:52

i think its really insensitive of a man to go to a strip club when his partner is pregnant even if she is generally ok with this sort of thing. Especally when you were sitting up road like a mug waiting!

What would hurt me the most would be the fact that despite not being able to 'perform' with me, he was still thinking about sex with other non pregnant women.

Luckily i still had regular sex with my dp when preg, though i have to say, I dont think that he generally fancies pregnant women and that he prefers me 'non pregnant'.

I often felt quite insecure and frumpy when pregnant(nothing t do with dp) and a trip to a strip club would have made matters worse.

OP, you have my sympathy.

Doha · 09/05/2011 23:04

That's not a man that's a mouse you have for a DH

Is he not brave enough to stand up for himself and say no to his mates. He is not showing you any respect at all.

He better shape up and step up to the mark pretty quickly if he is going to be of any use once your DC arrives.

As has been said before-pathetic

Original poster
ThistleDoNicely · 09/05/2011 23:18

I keep telling myself things will be great once our son is here (yes, first child) but I do wonder if I'm kidding myself. It often feels like I'm mothering him too. But there's no point in moaning about it, I need to change my behaviour to stop enabling his selfishness/thoughtlessness.
Thanks for showing me I wasn't just being irrational or over emotional.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 23:22

telling yourself it will won't make it be great when the baby comes

your partner will actually have to step up

you can't make him do that, I am afraid

and it doesn't bode well if you are feeling too hesitant to bring up something that has really upset you

communication needs to be spot-on between new parents or big problems can occur

this bloke seems like the sort of arsehole who would justify fucking another woman, because his wife is too wrapped up in the baby...

you really need to toughen up, love, or I predict a hellish few years for you

AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 23:23

when that baby comes, you won't have time or energy to mother him too

carmenelectra · 10/05/2011 07:06

I always get worried and see it as a bad sign when men see their pregnant wives as someone to look after but not be intimate. The ones that seem to totally separate the sex and love.

I would be concerned that if he feels no sexual attraction now then it will be the same when the baby is born. He will then see you all mumsy.

Agree with anyfucker.