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Original poster

Should I bring up strip club visit days later?

35 replies

ThistleDoNicely · 09/05/2011 15:08

I'm less than pleased at my husband visiting a strip club at the weekend but not sure if I am overreacting or if I should bring it up and have my say now that a couple of days have passed.

It was my husband's birthday on Friday. He went out in Edinburgh with his brother who he doesn't see very often and was up for long weekend and my brother and met at least one other friend I think.

I was due to meet them in the evening but when I called at about 10.30pm they had just gone into a club. I said that I wasn't really up to that as I was knackered but rather than them have to leave in half an hour to get the last train, I'd hang about for an hour to give them a lift home (live about 15miles away and not great transport at night). When the hour was up I called to say I was in the car round the corner from the club they were in, but got no response from either my husband or my brother. I sat falling asleep in the car in the city centre for a further half an hour until he rang to say he was a few streets away. When they got in the car they were all rather drunk and blurted out that they'd been in a strip club, but it was ok because my husband had declined a private dance.

I was furious. If they had gone to the pub I would've joined them but because they were in a club I couldn't, but I thought I was being nice in waiting around to give them a lift as I wanted my husband to enjoy his last birthday before parental responsibility kicks in. But to leave his heavilly pregnant wife waiting in the car for 90minutes and move on to a strip club in that time really bothered me. He didn't even go to a strippers' on his stag - the only time he's gone was for his 20th birthday (8 years ago) when I actually paid for a dance for him. Maybe that's why he thought it would be ok, but given that we haven't had sex for more than six months and I am feeling particularly fat, ugly and fet up at this stage I thought he might have a bit more sensitivity.

I told him at the time I didn't like it. There was no appology. But I didn't make a fuss because it was his birthday. His brother has been staying with us until today so again I didn't have it out with him because I didn't want to cause a scene when it's one of only a handful of times they get to see each other each year. I did mention the following day that we would have words about it but he didn't say anything. The problem is now that a couple of days have passed I feel like it would be a bit petty to bring it up now. I'm still annoyed about it but what will having a go at him really achieve? Any advice on what to do?

OP posts:
Bennifer · 10/05/2011 08:06

Is it really that terrible for a man to go off sex with his wife when she's pregnant? Really?

Original poster
ThistleDoNicely · 10/05/2011 08:08

He's honestly not the type to cheat. He deplores it. In fact I'm the one who has cheated on him in the past. Maybe that's part of why I run around after him, still trying to make up for being unfaithful and show him that I care for him. It was the lack of caring and lack of intimacy/sex that made me justify my affair though so maybe we both should take a look at how we can improve the relationship. I thought it was better though, or I wouldn't have decided to have a child with him. Guess it's just easy to slip back to old ways and we need to work a bit harder.

OP posts:
nooka · 10/05/2011 08:08

I totally went off sex when I was pregnant, so I'm a bit more sympathetic on that front, but if my dh went to a strip joint I would be furious because I think they are exploitative and actually quite disgusting.

But I agree with others in saying you have bigger issues that you really need to try and address before your baby arrives. Right now your dh should be looking after you. You should not be doing any housework IMO, and you certainly shouldn't be acting as a taxi . You sound lovely but perhaps a bit too accommodating an your dh sounds lazy at best.

I really think that you need to be very clear that from now on and when the baby arrives things need to be very different, and he needs to step up to the plate and seriously start caring for you because you almost certainly need it. He might have a stressful job, but I bet it's not as physically stressful as being 8 months + pregnant, or as hard work as having a baby.

Malificence · 10/05/2011 08:12

Yes, that is only my personal opinion but if a man doesn't find his pregnant wife sexually attractive, which is different than him being afraid to have sex if she has had previous miscarriages etc. then it's a worrying trait.

SuchProspects · 10/05/2011 08:31

Thistle You had an affair because you weren't satisfied with the intimacy at home, and your husband is easily swayed by his friends to basically ignore your existence when he isn't finding what he wants at home. It seems nether of you have the tools to handle the sexual/intimate side of your relationship well and you don't communicate well about it. Perhaps you could do with some couples counseling that includes sexual counseling? Just an idea. But both of you looking at your attitudes to intimacy and sex and learning to communicate with each other might help you deal with the challenges life is going to keep throwing at you.

Agree about the housework too by the way - shows a lack of respect and would make me wonder whether he had any idea at all about what he has taken on in becoming a father. Certainly doesn't sound like he's stepped up yet and you're due any minute. You won't have time for his childishness when your real child arrives.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/05/2011 08:39

By the way, talking about him "helping" with the housework is misleading. It is his house and he has equal responsibility for it. (Or if it your house not his, even more important that he should do his bit.) I'm willing to bet he makes at least half the mess! So it shouldn't be you asking nicely for him to give you a hand with what is fundamentally "your job" - you have every right to require him to do his share! And that works even if you weren't expecting a baby on top of working full time.

superv1xen · 10/05/2011 10:08

yes annie i thought that about helping with the housework. i can't be doing with this talk of men "helping" with the housework which seems to imply its the woman's job in the main and the man just sometimes assists with it.

and i agree with anyfucker 's posts too. talk about callling a spade a spade...

AnyFucker · 10/05/2011 10:17

I expect this bloke will "babysit" his own kid too, when Op nags and pushes him into it

love, just because you have been unfaithfu in the past dosn't mean you always have to be a doormat for the rest of your relationship

man up before the baby comes, for all your sakes

what a prince among men he sounds (not)

superv1xen · 11/05/2011 12:06

OP has there been any developments? Hope you are ok and not been scared away by some of the rather forthright opinions on this thread. x

superv1xen · 11/05/2011 12:09

including mine i should add! we do mean it nicely and want to help you. sometimes on here the kind of advice posters get might sound harsh but its just that people don't sugar coat advice or tone down their opinions as maybe your RL friends would. which is a GOOD thing.

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