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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

horseplay or domestic violence?

63 replies

lightsandshapes · 09/05/2011 10:03

I had just got back from a holiday alone with my dogs. DP and I were getting on well, being affectionate in a physical, playful, way. I had just finished an hour of doing the dishes and slumped forward on the chair in exagerated tiredness. I had been hunched over a computer all day at work too. DP said 'sit up straight' as if to correc my posture. I said 'no' then he pushed my head forwards and towards my chest for about 5 seconds. Due to my seating position and the fact I am preganant and full of relaxin it's thrown out my whole spine alignment. I feel awful and teary all the time, and have had a headache for three days. he says there was no malicious intent and it was horseplay. I'm sooooo annoyed. WWYD??

OP posts:

TechLovingDad · 10/05/2011 08:33

Going only on the OP, I think he sounds like a bully. Whether he's just a wannabe bully or already shows signs before.

You're pregnant, I'm guessing he knows this, so it's not unthinking. It's him thinking "I will do such and such because I can, Rarrr me MAN".

Kick him in the plums and say "sorry it's horseplay".

Anniegetyourgun · 10/05/2011 08:45

Good solution TLD!

By the way I should also have said, it wasn't an accident. It was an unintended consequence of a deliberate act. That is why he should have been bloody sorry even though he didn't mean it to damage you.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 10/05/2011 10:14

This is very worrying, I'm afraid. Unfortunately it is horribly common for domestic violence to start during pregnancy - the man decides that it's time he exerted more control over his partner, putting her in her place while she is vulnerable. The fact that he is refusing to pay for an osteopath is another clear indication of problems ahead - the message he is sneding to you is 'I am entitled to hurt you and not be blamed or suffer consequences. There is no outside help avaialble for you and no one will believe you.' Go and see your GP if you are in pain and Do tell the HCPs that your partner did this to you. They will help you.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2011 10:21

no, it wasn't an accident, he deliberately took hold of your head and forced your spine into flexion

which when you are already in a flexed position is quite a difficult 9as well as stupid) thing to do

but why did he even do it ? what permission did he give himself to try and teach you a lesson about your fucking posture by getting physical ?

in other words, what the fuck is he ?

a bully, and possibly an escalating one if you don't sort this out now

if he won't accept his wrongness, I fear for you, really I do

I say ring womens aid and tell your midwfe as a starting point

TurnipCake · 10/05/2011 11:23

I'm so sorry you have experienced this, lightandshapes. But I knew before I even read your next responses that he wouldn't offer to pay for any help with your back. It's very chilling, I hope you're ok.

As someone else said, domestic violence often starts in pregnancy. Please speak to Women's Aid and give your midwife a call. His behaviour is absolutely appalling, the total and utter shit.

garlicbutter · 10/05/2011 11:48

I'm really sorry. It must be so hard to face the hard facts just now, when you're pregnant and all :( You're doing very well, by the way!

Despite my lifelong history in abusive relationships, I would have dumped a partner who told me to sit up straight (unless I'd asked them to, for exercise or something.) The fact that he then physically hurt you and now refuses to help you deal with the pain is very, very bad. It's an incredibly fast escalation.

Please keep your head, and take care of yourself. I guess you know what that means ...

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 10/05/2011 14:58

Annie - it is astonoishing isn't it.

Today have just allowed myself to play out different scenarios in my mind about the future, such as moving on. love the house I live in... but it's his house. Built a lovely little life for myself here with friends and support networks. Work in a high pressure job so can't just run for the hills (how to people leave when they have a job to go to next morning?), but going off on maternity in August thank God. Chance for breathing space. It galls me that all my stability and support should disappear should I leave whilst nothing changes for him... can't get my head around it all....

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2011 15:07

Abuse is all about power and control. He wanted to exert that towards you and it is certainly not unknown for domestic violence to begin in pregnancy.

Can only reiterate the advice offered to phone Womens Aid and talk to the midwife.

Its his house as well you write. Guess too he's never mentioned anything about adding you to the mortgage or title deeds?.

BTW how long have you been together?.

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 10/05/2011 15:12

Attila - we've been together 5 years. he won't add me to the deeds as "he's paid for the majority of the mortgage" - and only has a small ammount left to pay. Another example of him being tight. It doesn't look good does it......

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2011 15:20

I am very sorry to read you are going through this whilst pregnant.

No it does not look at all good.

Did you speak to Womens Aid?.

He would never have added you anyway to the title deeds. I would also think that he will not marry you for similar reasons. He likely realises too that as his partner you have very few legal rights with regards to property and finances if you were to split up. Basically now what is his is his and yours is yours. You need legal advice and asap.

FabbyChic · 10/05/2011 15:28

Im sorry to say this but before you got pregnant you should have moved into a house that was in joint names, you are bringing a child into the world, if you split up you are going to have to move yourself and your child.

Five years together and yet if you split you just pack up and leave? Sounds awful.

Whilst he might have been messing he does not seem to have taken this seriously, you are now suffering because he decided to manhandle you. What a pig.

cestlavielife · 10/05/2011 15:34

(how to people leave when they have a job to go to next morning?),

if you have a job and income you have options - eg move to rented accomodation .

do you have your own bank account?
your own savings?
do you pay him towards mortgage?

who pays household expenses?
who pays/will pay for baby stuff?

without your name on house your situation is precarious.... as assuming you not married.

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 10/05/2011 16:45

yes, my own bank account and some savings. The current arrangement is I pay 400 a month into a joint account and out of that we get food, meals out, some household stuff and other shared items....

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 10/05/2011 16:46

So you really don't contribute to the mortgage at all.

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 10/05/2011 16:48

nope... there's hardly a mortgage - we decided on it this was for some reason. Why are relationships such a minefield!! Arranged a weekend away to give me some time to think....

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/05/2011 17:33

I disagree, the fact that OP is not entangled in a mortgage with this arsehole is good news

she can walk away and start again

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 10/05/2011 18:50

He will stil have to pay you money regularly OP, as you are having his child. Unfortunately this man does appear to have set things up so you walk away with very little else (yes, this would have been quite deliberate - he has regarded you from the beginning as an object for him to own and control, not a person to be treated with respect).
as someone else said, the escalation here is very rapid - or have there been a few other incidents of 'horseplay' in the past that caused you physical pain or minor injuries but which he brushed off?

porpoisefull · 10/05/2011 19:05

While he was pushing your head forward, did you say ouch, or protest, and if so did he stop immediately?

And, as others have asked, have there been other things that have made you wonder about your future together?

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 10/05/2011 19:34

spring - no other incidents ever.. sometimes he likes to wrestle (before pregnant) but always knew limits so it was more of a flirting thing. he went to an all boys school and it seems this is how he has learned to relate or something - no excuse though

Popoise - I didn't say ouch or anything - it happened so fast... it was odd.

OP posts:

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 11/05/2011 04:28

why would he push your head FORWARD if he was supposedly suggesting you should be sitting up straighter??? no logical reason, so can only assume it was a power/control thing, you said "no", he decided to teach you a lesson for giving him "cheek" - red flags all round for me, take the good advice on this thread and think seriously about whether you want a future with this man...

jasminejo24 · 11/05/2011 06:14

when my partner accidentally hurt me in a row we had he actually cried he felt so bad.
your partner does not sound nice. surely after coming back from holiday he should have missed you especially considering your carrying his child. i would have expected
"welcome back, here is a cup of tea, i missed you"
not "hi, do housework, do as i say or there will be consequences"
if he wasnt like this before have you considered that maybe something happened to him while you were away to make him behave oddly?

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 11/05/2011 16:53

Jasmine - he didn't say 'do housework'... I offered. He was doing housework. He'd been creating a dog run in the garden while I was away and had neglected the dishes... some were mine too (about half) and while I was doing the dishes he was hoovering and tidying with the same ammount of effort.

Last night he massged my back and hugged me and said 'he did feel remorse' and cooked dinner for us etc. and tonight he has gone to a friend's to pick up baby items for the baby.

I'm confused. Is this part of the nice/nasty cycle or something more genuine.... don't feel like a battered women, but it doesn't feel right either.

Thank you for all the comments on here. Have helped me realise I am NOT over reacting.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/05/2011 17:49

Please be very careful and if anything like this ever happens again, I hope you walk immediately

have you told him this ?

you should make it very clear

hurting his pg wife on purpose to teach her a lesson ?

he is very, very lucky to still have a wife

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 11/05/2011 17:54

Thanks AF. I am still stunned by it. I will tell him this.

OP posts:

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 11/05/2011 17:58

Fabby, about the time I got pregnant, he suggested he could sell his house and put 1/2 down on a joint house with me putting the other half. However, as he has equity and I don't this would mean he wouldn't have a mortgage and I would be paying my half of the mortgage about 150,000 whilst having a young baby... this was his idea of 'fair' but not mine, so we are still where we are.

OP posts:

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