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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you 'out' a cheat?

44 replies

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 16:47

Long story short, met a very nice lad last year, was seeing him for about 4 months, he was very affectionate, fit, good job, seemed to have all the same values I did and was going through the same saga I have been with splitting up with other half and a small child involved.

As the months went on, I never went to his home, he ignored calls from his xp if we were out and said he needed to change his number.

Later found out he was married, STILL happily married I should add, with a 1 year old little boy and was cheating on her with me. I twigged when I noticed his wedding band in his car, and he left me an accidental message on my phone with his wife in the background.

He doesn't live round here, in fact he went as far as covering his tracks in every angle. Lied about where he lived, her name, her job, everything pretty much was a big fat lie. But I'd love to out him for the low life scumbag that he is, but is it worth it? Would I subsequentley be ruining another woman's marriage? Destroying a child's upbringing? All for my own gain?

OP posts:

Kimberjem · 08/05/2011 16:52

I really wouldn't, if it was me, I just couldn't hurt another person like that, I have been in a similar situation and all I can say is that with a skilled (although clearly a bit stupid) liar the truth will come out eventually. Perhaps best to feel sorry for him that he will never know a truly honest open loving relationship and leave it there.

Original poster

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 16:54

Yeah, that is something that I would struggle to deal with, hurting another person. It's just something I thought about, and something my friend mentioned to me the other day (she's a tad bitter about it all, more so than me!). She would happily out him, but I was more hesitant about the whole thing.

I guess everything comes out in the end.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 08/05/2011 16:58

I would tell her, but not out of spite, but because she deserves to know what a lying, cheating arse she is married to.

It usually splits 50/50 when it's debated on here though, with good arguements for telling and for staying shtum!

amberleaf · 08/05/2011 16:59

TBH i think i would just count my blessings that i found out before it got too involved, block his number and move on.

His wife may not welcome the insight to her husbands fuckery.

amberleaf · 08/05/2011 17:01

Then again i can see what chippingin is saying!

But often its the messenger that gets shot, you may well be better of thinking of yourself in this instance and staying out of it.

Kimberjem · 08/05/2011 17:01

I was once seeing a guy for about three months who then told me the housemate he was telling me about was actually his long term girlfriend, he told me this seconds before we were meeting some of my friends for drinks, 4 years on, I think he is still womanising the whole city, he is very insecure and clearly needs female attention for validation, actually men lying about being married/separated/in relationships has happened quite a lot to me, have finely tuned radar now to the point of paranoid!

K999 · 08/05/2011 17:07

My ex once arranged to meet a woman he had met in a chat room. I found out, called her and let her know he was married. She was shocked! She then agreed to send me records of the conversations they had had! She then called him and told him what a scumbag he was! I was sitting next to him at the time. He didn't know that I had found out and it was certainly interesting watching him squirm and trying not to let on to me who was on the phone! To make matters worse, he had arranged to meet her on DDs second birthday......fucking arse. Mind you, I am now with a fantastic man and have never been happier!

Original poster

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 17:11

Yes, I do believe this chappy is immensely insecure and needs female validation. Such a shame one woman doesn't do it for some men! His excuse was he was treated badly by his father when he was younger?! pathetic excuse of a man!!

I was totally sucked in by this dude though, he tracked me down on very little information and persued me like his life depended on it. I will never be a mug like that again, and will have my married radar on full alert at all times.

k999 - glad you found a fantastic man to make you happy!

OP posts:

Konchita · 08/05/2011 17:43

Out the scumbag! You're lucky it's only been 4 months, I had almost 5 years stolen from my life.
At least she should have no illusions who she's with because he'll never stop.

Bellebelicious · 08/05/2011 17:51

Tricky. Having been the 'clueless' wife (not quite as an extreme situation, the OW knew he was married), I would have loved somebody to tell me. I would have been devastated, but I'd rather have known.

But other people think differently - so I don't know what I'd do. Horrible though, think of how often he must have left her alone with the kids and ignored her, so that he could have his fun with you.

cathkidstonbag · 08/05/2011 18:09

Belle - sorry to hijack thread but would you really have wanted someone to tell you? I am in a similar situation only as the OW (I have a post on here) - not proud of myself have messed up big time I know. BUT I know that OMs wife has no idea, he is thought of by everyone as the perfect husband. I had made the decision to keep quiet (unless asked) but in her situation I would want to know. Particularly as he has already moved on from an EA with me to a PA with someone else. So interested on your take on it.

abedelia · 08/05/2011 18:57

I've been on the receiving end and I'd have wanted to be told. The sooner you know, the less time you waste on someone underserving. Also, as my H was convinced this woman was the great love of his life he treated me like crap while it was going on to create a rift in our previously happy relationship that she could move into.

Unless he's an excellent compartmentaliser, she and her child will have been suffering throughout as he will have been distant, moody, distracted... you name it. She deserves to know, imho. Others will disagree - this is always a bit of a fiery topic!

Bellebelicious · 08/05/2011 20:01

omg - absolutely, I would have wanted to know, but I'm that sort of person. I would always rather have the truth and learn to deal with it, than be lied to. I'm not a child and don't want to be told stories.

You cannot be sure that the DW doesn't have a clue. My h cheated on me when I was pregnant with DD. Everyone thinks he's the perfect husband too (I used to think I was lucky to have him!). I became very suspicious, but he turned it all round on me, told me I was hormonal and over-sensitive, and in the absence of any real evidence, I had to believe him. But it would have saved me years of misery and self-doubt if someone had just let me know that I was spot on and not mad/obsessive/jealous etc.

I can't tell you what to do omg, but appreciate your dilemma. We all make mistakes, as long as we learn from them, it's no bad thing, especially if you get out sooner than later. I would just make 100% sure if you tell her, it's for the right reasons (as she will of course be livid with you and her H will tell her that you are a stalker).

atswimtwolengths · 08/05/2011 20:01

I would want to know. Other people (that I thought were my friends) did know and didn't tell me. I thought a lot less of them, though they kept quiet for the right reasons.

She has a right to know her own history. She has a right to know why he acts the way he does; I felt like I was going mad and wouldn't do that to another woman.

However, you don't know her, do you? I can't imagine how that would go, if a stranger approached me and told me something like that.

2cats2many · 08/05/2011 20:07

I have outed a cheater before. Different situation (I basically witnessed my good friend's partner cheating on her and immediately told her), but I decided that i would want to be told, so I should tell her.

I think you should tell. Surely she deserves to know so she can make her own decisions about the situation?

Original poster

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 20:52

No atswim, I don't know her. It just came up in convo with my friend who said she would do everything she could to make sure she found out. All I know about the cheating letch is where he lives, works, what he drives, his birthdate his kids name. He kept everything else excrutiatingly close to his chest. He's a pro at this though, he fully admitted it once he had been found out.

I just felt as though if I ever had the chance then would I do it? Could I do it?

OP posts:

SoTiredAndEmotional · 08/05/2011 21:03

I wouldn't. It could backfire on you spectacularly if his marriage is destroyed and he blames you.

ohmyfucksy · 08/05/2011 21:08

In a different situation I would. If I saw my mother/sister/best friend's husband with someone else and it was completely obvious they were having an affair, then I probably would. If they were already suspicious then I definitely would.

But if it was the husband of someone I didn't know that well, then no.

In this situation - no, I don't think I would. She doesn't know you from Adam, why would she believe you? I think if someone told me out of the blue that my husband had led them on like that I would think they were a mad fantasist tbh.

bejeezus · 08/05/2011 21:14

i havent been in this situation, but have been married. I would definitely want to know if my husband was doing this.

amberleaf · 08/05/2011 21:19

But would you want it to come from the other woman?

bejeezus · 08/05/2011 21:21

wouldnt care who told me

Original poster

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 21:21

Ive got the notes he wrote me, as well as the texts messages, pictures he sent so it wouldn't be like I had zero to back me up. Ah well, such is life I guess. Just wanted the opinions of others as I haven't really discussed it with many other people just told them we'd stopped seeing each other, so it's only my friend who knows.

I suppose thinking about it now, I don't think I could do it as I don't know if i would be doing it for her or me.

Thanks for all your responses. :)

OP posts:

kalo12 · 08/05/2011 21:22

you have got nothing to gain from this

bejeezus · 08/05/2011 21:23

in fact the OW would be a good person to hear it from I think, if the other women was happy to give some gory detailsyou always want to ask questions about these thingsdates/ times 'oh, was he with you on such and such a date--that was my birthday' etc

ChippingIn · 08/05/2011 21:26

SoTired - how could it backfire on her? She's finished with him - she has nothing to lose.

ohmyfucksy - she will have plenty of info about him to be able to convince his wife that she's not making it up.

Amber - yes. Especially if she hadn't known that he was married so felt just as duped as me.

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