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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you 'out' a cheat?

44 replies

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 16:47

Long story short, met a very nice lad last year, was seeing him for about 4 months, he was very affectionate, fit, good job, seemed to have all the same values I did and was going through the same saga I have been with splitting up with other half and a small child involved.

As the months went on, I never went to his home, he ignored calls from his xp if we were out and said he needed to change his number.

Later found out he was married, STILL happily married I should add, with a 1 year old little boy and was cheating on her with me. I twigged when I noticed his wedding band in his car, and he left me an accidental message on my phone with his wife in the background.

He doesn't live round here, in fact he went as far as covering his tracks in every angle. Lied about where he lived, her name, her job, everything pretty much was a big fat lie. But I'd love to out him for the low life scumbag that he is, but is it worth it? Would I subsequentley be ruining another woman's marriage? Destroying a child's upbringing? All for my own gain?

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 08/05/2011 21:28

kalo - what does she need to gain from it? Life isn't all about what YOU get from doing something. His wife deserves to know what a cheating, lying, scumbag she's wasting her life with.

complimentary · 08/05/2011 21:30

I would not 'out' him. He will be outed by someone, but not you. Let someone else have ion their conscience if his marriage breaks up. A child is involved so I would not do it.

ohmyfucksy · 08/05/2011 21:32

I still wouldn't do it. She may not believe you didn't know he was married. You've only known him 5 months, you don't know how he might react. He might be violent, you never know.

Original poster

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 21:32

Just to clairfy, I cut ALL ties with him as soon as I knew he was married. He continued to text/call me when I had clearly told him I wanted nothing to do with him. Affairs are most definately not my cup of tea at all!!!

Complimentary - This is very true my dear, he's done it before, he'll no doubt do it again!

OP posts:

nailak · 08/05/2011 21:34

i know someone who was with a man for 3 years before he told her he was married with a 3 year old dd!!

she ended up in a pychiatric institution and didnt break up with him after he told her as she loved him. but his wife threatened to take dd out of country if he divorced her...

Original poster

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 21:37

Bloody hell! Really? That's awful! I don't know how people sleep at night having affairs like this. I can't lie about the weather, let alone construct a whole new life and remember all the lies!

OP posts:

Hassled · 08/05/2011 21:39

God this is a hard one. I suppose there's the chance the wife knows really and is living sort of happily in a nice little bubble of denial - it happens.

I'm torn completely between thinking someone needs to tell the poor woman, and thinking what's to gain - maybe she's happiest not knowing.

Hatespinkcantcook · 08/05/2011 21:50

Tell her. My first marriage broke down due to his cheating and he has never been honest about it. His friend eventually told me the truth. She might be having an awful time thinking his behaviour is her fault. Think I could have dealt with the truth much better than all the lies. Also if he is sleeping around so much he could give her an STD. Ps I am now married to a wonderful man

expatinscotland · 08/05/2011 21:54

I'd out him. You didn't do anything wrong. He did. And chances are, you're not the only one.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2011 21:55

If I was that wife, i would want to know

panicandanxiety · 08/05/2011 22:04

I would definitely want to know if I was his wife. If he is anything like me ex he will be making her think she is just paranoid and insecure.

freeandhappy · 08/05/2011 23:28

i was the clueless wife and i wish someone told me. apart from the pain of betrayal i felt so stupid

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/05/2011 00:39

Walk away and leave him to it. You don;t know that his wife is ignorant of his tendency to shag around; she might have decided to accept it. You are not responsible for his relationship with his wife. It's his problem.

springbokscantjump · 09/05/2011 02:37

I would definitely want to know. I initially dilly-dallied because I was thinking what was to be gained. But the only circumstances in which I wouldn't want to be told my DH was having an affair is if I would never find out. because if you find out later on then you realise that those intervening years were a lie.

ChippingIn · 09/05/2011 07:00

SGB - the majority of women don't turn a blind eye and if she does already know, then no harm done is there. Yes the bloke is responsible for his behaviour/relationship with his wife, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't look out for one another. If a child was running into the road would you stop them or think 'not my responsibility'?

Being told you are paranoid/insecure/ridiculous is horrible and if you don't have any concrete proof it's hard to say 'On your bike' it is so much better if someone has the balls to tell you what they know/have seen/have done.

amberleaf · 09/05/2011 07:45

IME of situations like this [not me as the OW just from people ive known, some where they are the wife] being told by the OW that DH/DP has cheated rarely gets met with a lightbulb 'now i know im leaving the bastard' moment.

Often its met with hostility from the DW and then accusations of being 'mad' being 'a stalker nutter' [all told about the OW to the DW by the DH to cover his arse.....you get the picture.]

Phonecalls and texts will ensue.

You are highly unlikely to be the first and you wont be the last, his DW quite possibly knows or at least has caught him at least once before.

Very often the OW gets the blame even if she [like you] didnt know the full picture. if a DW chooses to stay with the DH its easier for her to focus her anger at the OW.

I know not every case will be like this but do you want to take the chance?

You may well get a lot of hassle from him or his wife, you have a child to take care of, its really not worth it.

amberleaf · 09/05/2011 07:47

*When i say the DW quite possibly knows, i mean knows that her DH does this not knows about him doing it with you, but you never know.

FreudianSlipper · 09/05/2011 09:00

are you wanting to ease your conscience?

if she contacted you i think it would be the right thing to be honest. their relationship is none of your business you do not know what is going on in their lives at the moment this could be that last thing she needs to hear at this point in time. she may know she may not but that is for them to sort out and you can not save her from him

anotherpointofview · 09/05/2011 12:02

I did, I hadnt known he was married, when I found out I was so hurt and shocked I phoned her straight away, as previous poster said he told her I was mad after him, he couldn't get rid of me etc., and HE actually told me he said that while he was begging me to go back to him. She believed him, apparently said she 'felt sorry for me', she never contacted me for details even though I have kept hundreds of mails sent before and after. So, NO don't do it, you will come out the worst in it. It still annoys me that the DW and her family pity me and I have often felt like posting all the evidence to the contrary but I think just hold your head up high and trust in karma.

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