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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

did i make a mistake?

33 replies

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 16:44

about a yr ago i found out that husband had been having an emotinal affair with another woman, and that he had kissed someone else.
i found out, he did not tell me.
we had a very very hard few weeks and decided to try again, work at things. i had it in my head that i would prefer to try and fail at saving our marriage than look back and see that we had never tried.
nearly a yr on and im not over it.
we have tried. we have spent time together, we talk, instead of fighting, we both took up hobbies so we both get time alone. we have spent time away from the kids.
but it always there for me. he works with both these women, and that cant change at the moment. so when there are work events he no longer goes, people ask why. i used to go with him, but since this i havent been to any of these things, now people ask why. i no longer wear a wedding ring, to me, he broke our vows so it no longer means anything to wear it. people ask.
i want to shout and scream that he cheated. that he broke our marriage. that i wasnt good enough for him. but i dont. i sit and feel hurt, i feel broken.
was stay together a mistake?
can you ever get passed it?
should i just give up?

OP posts:

K999 · 08/05/2011 16:47

Have you tried marriage counselling?

Original poster

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 16:48

no we havent.

OP posts:

bleachbabe · 08/05/2011 16:50

Oh you poor thing.

No - staying together wasn't necessarily a mistake.
Yes - you can sometimes get past it.
No - you shouldn't give up unless you want to.

If you still love him, I really think that you and your DH wold benefit from some counselling, separately and together. You can find your local branch of Relate in the Yellow Pages or online.

Your feelings are completely justified, but they need not stay with you for ever. It doesn't mean that you'll be letting him get away with it, but that you will both be able to address any issues you have, and move forward positively together.

Please contact Relate, and discuss this with your Dh too.

I am also going to point out, very gently, that a lot of men do far, far worse things and their wives manage to find a way to forgive them. I am not excusing your DH's horrible behaviour in any way, but I am trying to give you some hope.

K999 · 08/05/2011 16:51

Perhaps you could give it s try? It may help.

And fwiw I wouldn't concern yourself with what other people think. It's you and your husband that matter. If you feel there is a marriage worth saving, and your husband thinks the same, you should both give it your best shot.

Is there any way he can get another job?

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 16:51

Yes, maybe try relate? They could help you out. Does he know how you feel? Do you think he could understand that his betrayal still hurts you now?

Going on past experience of this, I couldn't make it work. I wasn't married to xp, but he cheated and I found out. It was made out to be my fault and the pain I incurred because of his 'moment of madness', for me is incurable. I tried, and failed, to make it work. But I'm glad I tried.

That said, everyone is different honey, so maybe you need more time. Him working with these women is only going to exacerbate the problem, but what can you do in that respect? Has he ever tried to show you he's sorry, other than the usual guilt window that occurs shortly after they get caught out?

Never think you're not good enough for him because he cheated. It's so not true and you're worth a hell of a lot more than being betrayed like that. No one deserves it.

bleachbabe · 08/05/2011 16:52

I don't mean that having an EA & kissing another woman aren't awful - they are. I just mean that at least he didn't get someone else pregnant, etc. God, I hope you understand what I mean, I am really sorry if I've offended you, and I wasn't trying to play down your (justifiable) hurt and anger.

Original poster

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 16:52

thats the thing bleachbabe, one part of my says, hell woman get over it is was ''just'' a kiss. the other part says bloody hell woman get rid, he cheated on you for gods sakes, cheating is cheating and it is wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 16:53

DONT worry beachbabe, i took it how you meant it. im not offeneded.

OP posts:

K999 · 08/05/2011 16:54

It is wrong but I don't think it necessarily has to signal the end. Only you know how you truly feel about it but I really would give counselling a go.

Original poster

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 16:54

he has changed. he is a totally different person. he has done all he can to make me feel better, he took full responsibility. our marriage seems more solid now than ever if that makes any sence at all.

OP posts:

Lovemelillady · 08/05/2011 16:57

I don't think it would hurt to have a chat with someone, maybe on your own first? I think you can go to Relate on your own, or your GP can arrange a counselling session.

Sounds like the whole thing has left you feeling very low in confidence and that's something that can be sorted out with a bit of time and effort :)

K999 · 08/05/2011 16:57

It must be very hard, but perhaps you have to decide if you can ever get over it. If it's going to eat you up inside and if you feel that you will never be able to trust him again, perhaps you are better off ending it? My ex cheated (several times) and I had to leave because even if be popped out to the shops, I imagined the worst. But fwiw my ex sounds way worse than your DH.

K999 · 08/05/2011 16:59

Sending you big hugs though as I know how shitty it makes you feel....

Original poster

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 16:59

i worry that if i get over it, he will think it was ok to have done it. like im saying its fine for him to do it cause i will get over it again.

OP posts:

K999 · 08/05/2011 17:01

Then you have to make your position very clear. Once you can forgive but after that, no more chances. And he has to understand and accept how deeply he has hurt and betrayed you. I really do think you should both seek counseling.

Original poster

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 17:03

you are probably right. about councilling. but if i got him to go then i think our marriage woudl be the least of his issues. hish childhood and early adulthood was hellish.

OP posts:

bleachbabe · 08/05/2011 17:03

There's an article on Relate in one of the papers today, and you definitely can go on your own.

ChippingIn · 08/05/2011 17:06

How do you feel when he goes out?

When you know he will be seeing them at work?

When he's on the phone and you don't know who it is?

When he's late home?

It sounds to me like you want it to work, but you are scared to trust him again even though you think it's now safe to do so. If that's the case I would lay it out on the line for him very clearly. That you have not 'got over it' - you have WORKED on forgiving him and WORKED on coming to terms with it - but you will never ever do that again. He's had his one chance so he'd better think very carefully in the future if he's ever tempted again.

Only you know if you can trust him again.

Original poster

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 17:08

when he goes out, i worry.
when he is at work, im fine.
when the phone goes i ask who it is.
when he is late i get pissed off.
im so not over it.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 08/05/2011 18:01

(Hugs)

Maybe the first thing you need to do is to understand that forgiving isn't forgetting nor condoning.

Original poster

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 18:18

but in my head, if i forgive, and move on, then it is condoning.

OP posts:

K999 · 08/05/2011 18:26

No, you can forgive, but it doesn't mean you forget. Tbh it's unrealistic to think that you will ever forget. But in time, it won't be as important.

Original poster

badmummy101 · 08/05/2011 18:28

i think a big part of me wants to just hurt him. to make him feel how i feel.

OP posts:

K999 · 08/05/2011 18:30

That's only natural. Although, you will end up in a destructive tit-for-tat situation and that's not going to do either of you any good. If he's worth his salt he should be distraught at the pain and suffering he has caused you. Only you know how sorry he genuinely is. But if you are like this after a year, I really urge you to get professional help.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/05/2011 18:34

You tell him that it will never be okay what he has done but you do want to have a successful marriage. If he wants the same then start afresh. Act like all is fine, date, cuddle, do things together, talk have a laugh. Hopefully it will very soon become second nature to kiss him as you walk past, stroke his hair, him pat you on your bottom, whatever it was you used to do. Just wanting things back right isn't always enough. You have to try but also try the fake to make it idea. Good luck.

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