did i make a mistake?

[badmummy101]

about a yr ago i found out that husband had been having an emotinal affair with another woman, and that he had kissed someone else.
i found out, he did not tell me.
we had a very very hard few weeks and decided to try again, work at things. i had it in my head that i would prefer to try and fail at saving our marriage than look back and see that we had never tried.
nearly a yr on and im not over it.
we have tried. we have spent time together, we talk, instead of fighting, we both took up hobbies so we both get time alone. we have spent time away from the kids.
but it always there for me. he works with both these women, and that cant change at the moment. so when there are work events he no longer goes, people ask why. i used to go with him, but since this i havent been to any of these things, now people ask why. i no longer wear a wedding ring, to me, he broke our vows so it no longer means anything to wear it. people ask.
i want to shout and scream that he cheated. that he broke our marriage. that i wasnt good enough for him. but i dont. i sit and feel hurt, i feel broken.
was stay together a mistake?
can you ever get passed it?
should i just give up?

badmummy (bet you're a good enough mummy, like me). A year on is still early days, I'm 2 years on from discovering my H's affairs! And feeling much more secure because he is sorry, the marriage is back on track, he says and does the right things, etc,.( he works in the same building as the bitchface but not on the same floor or projects, thankfully)
We've just got to plod on, get a new hobby, give it time, you 'll get there.
We are much, much stronger now.
Hugs (even though I don't know you, I feel so much for people in 'our' situation)
X

No my love, forgiving is not condoning. Anyway, you don't even have to 'forgive' him - it's only a word, you just have to accept it happend and that he's sorry it happened & that hopefully he's learnt his lesson.

When your kids are naughty and you tell them off and 'punish' them... when it's all over and done with and you're all good again, does it mean that what they did was OK or that they even think it was OK? No, you and they know they were naughty, but the punishment it over and they know not to do it again.... isn't this the same?

Wanting to hurt him is natural too. It's something you have to deal with though or at some time in the future you may use it as an excuse to have an affair yourself. Occasionally this works and the person feels it redresses the balance, but on the whole it tends just to cause more problems.

You say in your OP that you don't feel you were "good enough for him". If you're still feeling like that a year on, it sounds as though you haven't really come to a joint understanding of what his affairs were about. I strongly doubt his affairs had anything at all to do with you not being enough, but I'm curious about the reasons your H has given for what happened?

I'm also curious about why you didn't have any counselling and it sounds like you have tried to get through this on your own and haven't told anyone what happened. I wonder whether part of the problem here is that your H has never had to face anyone other than you about what he did - and you have had no outlet yourself, so that your betrayer was your only counsellor?

I always recommend a book called Not Just Friends on here. Have you read it? Has he? There are specific chapters about how to deal with the aftermath, especially when time doesn't seem to be healing. There is also some very helpful advice about what forgiveness actually means. Like others have said, it doesn't mean condoning and it doesn't mean what happened was okay. It's also perfectly normal after a year to be able to forgive some aspects, but not all.

Your H might have done all the "right things" but if you still don't have a shared understanding of why this happened and are finding trust impossible a year on, it might be that you need some further help and for you to have some different conversations now about what happened and why.

Feeling punitive is also a perfectly natural reaction, but it becomes harmful if you find that you are also punishing yourself and others. You might find it more helpful and empowering to frame this as you made an active and informed decision to stay in this marriage. There were all sorts of good reasons for that decision at the time - part of taking responsibility for that choice is giving yourself permission to make it work and be happy. Sometimes betrayed partners feel that if they have happy times, joyful sex and a better marriage, they are somehow "rewarding" unacceptable behaviour in their partner. But it's more healthy to think about how this is a reward for you and in the long term, your marriage. Denying yourself and/or the family happiness and joy, doesn't just punish the person who has wronged you. It punishes you too - and sometimes the children.

You all deserve to be happy and I'd include your H in that, assuming he really is sorry and understands that he alone controls his fidelity.

Hi badmummy (again, bet you're not! :) ) it's great that you've posted, you'll get lots of support, esp from WWIFN who is fantastic at getting to the bottom of things in these situations. If you want to have a read about how other people are trying to mend their relationships after infidelity there's quite a few people posting here: Recovery after an affair

i have told him i am unhappy. and that i cant get passed it. i also told him i cant carry on in this relationship unless i am totally at peace with what happened.
he thought everything was ok. that we were passed it and stronger than before.

So what does that mean in practice OP? Are you ending the marriage, or resolving to dig deeper than hitherto?

i have no idea wwifn.
i hate the idea of not being with him.
it would hurt my kids.
we have a home.
i just dont know what to do.

((HUGS))

I guess the best place to start is reading some of the books that have been recommended and finding some counselling that suits you...

You sound like you still love him
You sound like you want it to work

He sounds like he's tried really hard to show you that you can trust him

You said you thought your relationship was much more 'solid' now

There seems far too much there to let it go yet :(
x