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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told I was temporary fun & just filled a void in his life

37 replies

cryingagain · 08/05/2011 09:46

Disappointed in myself for believing someone actually cared about me. I really wanted to be liked for being me.

4 years later he recently told me I filled a void in his life that his ex left (She was "the love of his life") & that I was only ever temporary fun.

Turns out when he cancelled our planned events, he was meeting "her" as a friend & when he asked me to do last-minute things with him it was because she had done a no-show.

He never cared, did he?

OP posts:
Hassled · 08/05/2011 09:48

Well he cared enough / liked you enough to have wanted to spend some time with you but no, he never cared about your feelings.

BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 08/05/2011 09:51

him being a shit and liking you are seperate issues.

he liked you enough to fill his time, just was a selfish shit and was caring more about his feelings than anyone elses.

sorry you've been treated so poorly

this happen recently?

Hassled · 08/05/2011 09:51

Sorry - that sounded harsh. I'm sorry you're feeling low about it, but you do need to move on - he isn't worth your upset.

meditrina · 08/05/2011 09:53

He did care but, bluntly, not enough.

I think this is one of the cases where you need to believe what you've been told, especially as you've quoted examples of behaviour which back it up.

Are you prepared to accept second best? Because that's what he's telling you that you are. I wouldn't.

BluddyMoFo · 08/05/2011 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 08/05/2011 10:02

That's a remarkably rude and nasty thing for him to have said to you. Even if it was true, after four years, what on earth is the point of rubbing your nose in it? What led up to you and him having this conversation?

Original poster
cryingagain · 08/05/2011 10:03

Thankyou for bringing me back to reality.
I had suspected I was just an ego boost for him for about 6 weeks & when I put this to him, he cut me off out of his life so I'm guessing it hit a nerve.

I did tell him last week to only contact me if he could keep me in the loop about his feelings, where I stood etc...& I haven't heard from him since. They say no answer is your answer.

He has so much potential, he lets himself down. He was treated badly so thinks it's ok to treat me badly. I didn't deserve this.

Can't stop crying! Must get my act together & keep hold of the self-respect I do have.

OP posts:
easycomeeasygo · 08/05/2011 10:04

Talk about a kick in the teeth! I honestly can't see anywhere in what you've said that he cared about you at all, he recently told me I filled a void in his life that his ex left when he cancelled our planned events, he was meeting "her" as a friend & when he asked me to do last-minute things with him it was because she had done a no-show What a bastard!!! OK theres nothing like being honest but you deserve so much better. Dont waste anymore thoughts or time on this 'man', you need to move on, I'm sorry you've been treated this way, hugs xxxxx

Famouslastwords · 08/05/2011 10:05

Sounds like a total wanker.
Sorry for you cryingagain but it sounds like he only had his own interests in mind. He obviously did like you as he chose to see you but it was on his own terms.
On the positive side, you are now free to meet someone who cares for you and doesn't cancel your plans all the time!

Original poster
cryingagain · 08/05/2011 10:07

Springchicken - I was due to give birth to our child a month ago but it didn't happen Sad He said he would come up with something nice to do on the day to turn it into a positive one. We had something planned for the evening at huge expense & time off work booked then at 4pm he cancelled. That's what kicked it off.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 08/05/2011 10:08

Sorry I am a bit confused here - you have spent four years dating this man and having him stand you up and cancel plans? And he's only just told you that you have been his back up plan for all that time?
I think you do have a problem with self esteem, because you appear to have put up with this man for so long. But I can't help wondering if he has maybe been trying to get away from you and has finally resorted to cruelty. You say he cut you out of his life, and then you contacted him again and he didn't respond - I think you need to walk right away from this situation because you sound in danger of becoming a stalker.

Famouslastwords · 08/05/2011 10:09

It's ok to cry! He's been pretty horrible to you and it sounds like you were quite surprised and hurt by it.
Do you have a friend who you could pop in and see so you can have a bitch chat about things? If not, go and do something to make you feel good, even if it's something silly like painting your toenails!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 08/05/2011 10:10

Xpost. Do you mean you had a termination, or a miscarriage? I am sorry to hear that you lost a child that it sounds like you wanted, either way.

Hang on, though, six weeks ago he cut you out of his life but four weeks ago he was arranging an expensive elaborate date with you?

Is there something we are not getting?

Original poster
cryingagain · 08/05/2011 10:15

I wanted the child. I was put on this earth to be a mummy.
Springchicken - The activity for 4 weeks ago was all organised & put into place 6 months ago.

OP posts:
Famouslastwords · 08/05/2011 10:24

Sorry to hear about your loss :(
If he has been insensitive about that particular date, knowing how upset you were about losing your child then he really isn't worth any more of your time/worry.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 08/05/2011 10:43

But he had cut you out of his life, so it's not that surprising that he cancelled.
Look I can see that you are in a lot of pain, and I am so sorry you lost the baby you wanted, but I think you might benefit from getting some professional help. This man can't help you, and doesn't want to, and you really need to leave him alone and put it behind you. I wonder if maybe you were always engaged in a lot of wishful thinking in your rleationship with him.

Bluebelle38 · 08/05/2011 11:05

Hi OP

Am sorry to read you are going through this. He sounds truly selfish. I know how you feel to some degree as I put up with similar treatment from a man that I thought the world of but only saw me as a bit of fun. I didn't see it at the time as he was taking me on holidays and we were on/off for many years, but I see now that he is an incredibly selfish person and I am finally looking at what is lacking in me that allowed me to accept such second-rate treatment.

I am a few months on now and am feeling so much better. i still miss the good times, but I also remember the cruel and nasty way he ended things. I'd have never treated another person so horribly.

You will move on from this. Please see the positive in this - you are free now to meet someone that will truly love you and care for you as you do them. Learn from this what you deserve and never accept bad treatment again.

You are not alone in the way you feel. Take care sweetheart xx

Original poster
cryingagain · 08/05/2011 11:07

SGB - I am leaving him alone as we have no reason to communicate any more. When I said he cut me off, that was because when I told him to only contact me if I wasn't an ego-booster, I assume he HAS cut me off because he didn't/hasn't respond (ed)....which means he never cared I guess.

I just wanted confirmation that he was a knob-end (!) & that I wasn't taking his appalling treatment too personally. Need to keep my self-respect. Not going to give him the satisfaction of thinking I need him in my life.

OP posts:
kingbeat23 · 08/05/2011 11:15

He is a complete knob-end confirmation complete.

Delete all messages, emails, text messages, phone numbers from phone, block on fb if you are on it.

You are allowed to mourn the loss of a relationship. Do not wallow. Hold your head up and move on.

You can do this and you will do this. The only thing we can be certain of is the sun rising and setting and once you grip onto that, you are free of the twatbaggage!

happy singledom welcome to the clan! :D

Xales · 08/05/2011 11:27

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Please do not believe what he says. He lied to you and cancelled on you to go and meet her. Do you honestly think that was just as friends? He cancelled you on what was an extremely important and upsetting date to be with her as just a friend Hmm and he didn't even have the decency to give you much notice before hand.

Please go to an STI clinic and get yourself checked out.

He probably liked you but never cared enough that you were more than a back up when she wasn't available.

The void you filled? Well to be blunt that void was an empty pussy that he could shag because the one he wanted was probably occupied Sad.

You are worth so much more than this!

Jemma1111 · 08/05/2011 11:28

If she were the 'love of his life' they wouldn't have split up in the first place!

When I split from my ex he told me that I was only ever a convenience and that he too loved his ex far more than he ever did me. After our split they did get back together and seemed so in love. Fast forward a few years and although my ex is still with her I've lost count of the times he has contacted me telling me he has made a huge mistake and can we start over!

What a cheeky bastard sod!

I would put money on the fact that your ex doesn't love his other ex as much as he's making out!

Original poster
cryingagain · 08/05/2011 12:17

Oh God, clinic was the last thing on my mind. Ggggrrr. So cross with myself. Thankyou for bringing it to my attention. Sisterhood & all that. xx

Twatbaggage has been deleted from my life - confirmed!

As far as I understand it, his ex won't have him back...the clue is in there, what a fool I was. I was always 'plan b'. I was the rebound, wasn't I?

Chin up, self-respect in tact, learn from it.

Thankyou for your experiences, advice & support.

OP posts:
Xales · 08/05/2011 12:22

If it makes you feel better I agree with Jemma, he doesn't love this ex as much as he is making out or he wouldn't have been with you.

The only person he loves and cares about is himself.

Original poster
cryingagain · 08/05/2011 12:40

He told me recently we were only ever friends first & foremost, that we were never a couple. I am getting more & more angrier. That's not healthy is it?
Friends wouldn't do what he did, would they?

Definitely deleted him from all forms of communication.

OP posts:
Xales · 08/05/2011 12:47

Angry is very good! It is way better than missing him and wanting him back under any conditions! It can be healthy.

Use it to get him out of your system.

Just don't let it turn you bitter it is him who is wrong not all men or you.