things blew up again...what now?

[onelastchance]

had an awful eve last night and now h taken ds out for the morning.

it was ds's 5th birthday week before last and i'd made a huge maoutn of effort to arrnage parties for friends and family, cake, etc. on ds;s birthday, H said ds would be getting me something to say thank you for all my effort. There was lots of stuff to do beofre people came round last week so said i'd rather he helped get house straight than go out and buy present then.
This weekend, still no present - ds said something to h about it, and i said not much point now as moment had passed - h agreed - which realy for him meant he'd forgotten all about it and i'd given him a get out excuse. he got very stroppy and said he didnt want dinner with me later - alway have special dinner together on sat eve.

later i asked him why he hadnt told me he wasn't going ot bother geting anything as i didn't want him going out last weekend when so much to do, he said basically that as i sid not to get anything last weekend , that 's when he was planning to go so now too late. Tbh i'm not fussed about the actual present at all - it's his stupied excuses and empty words.
He then told me i'd ruined the weekend, etc, etc

Ended up with me telling him how crap things were (more like sharing a house, than a marriage - which it is) and me having dinner on my own and then going to bed.
He came in this morning apologising for being grumpy trying to act like nothing had happened...as usual.

What now?

I think it sounds petty. But also symptomatic of other problems.

Have you actually discussed this feeling of sharing a house, not a marriage?

I agree ff - the issue that sparked it it quite trivial, i know!

Yes have tried to discuss it but makes no difference. We are like friends (most of th time) as no sex (my choice) as i dont; feel comfortable ebought with him due to such awful things happening and his generla arritude and sometime poor hygiene - yuk (

Going on hols soon, not looking forward to it

Why do you think he will change?
I had this sort of rubbish with H for years - it's awful. The only thing that changed it was when he went to therapy and started to understand why he thought/acted the way he did.

i know nothing will change. we had lot of counselling in the past, both together and separately - never makes a long term difference. I left him a couple of years ago and nearly got back with an ex. For some reason missed h and though ds should be with him

You sound so unhappy. I did wonder whether you are waiting for a big excuse to end the relationship. You don't need to have that. It is reason enough if you are continually unhappy and there doesn't seem to be any improvements in your relationship.

First you need to get some serious talking done with your dp and find out what he really thinks. If that does not happen then you need to make other plans.

thanks whyme :) I'm actually very happy with all parts of my life, apart from h - although most of the time things are "OK ish"
The thing is if i leave him alot of the stuff i love wil change

have talked to h loads of times, never akes a difference. he's fine with things as they are..

Look, you either have to accept him as he is, or end the relationship. Because he is not going to change. He doesn't want to change. Hanging on hoping that he will change and getting more and more resentful when he doesn't, is poisonous. Have a hard think about whether the things you dislike about this man are more important than the things you like about him. If he has enough good qualities that make you want to stay in the marriage, then you need to decide to accept the negative ones and stop fretting over them.
Byt the way if the negative qualities includ him being violent or verbally abusive, just call a lawayer and pack your bags now.

Thanks Spring. I know doesn't want to change and guess your're right i do hve to accept it if i stay with him. Just a very lonley life sometimes

A life worth living is worth living well.
I would never settle for what you have. You deserve to be happy and not lonely. Obviously you DS is picking up on things when even he is asking DH about your present. What is that teaching him.
I think a serious discussion with your DH is needed, life being OK ish isn't really good enough is it???

Am i reading this right here?

You arranged a party for your son and now want a present as a thankyou? How about just doing it because he is your son and he wanted a party? You know...out of love or just for your son. Not to get yoruself a present afterwards.

Sounds very petty to me. I did a party for my son's 6th birthday in Feb...never even entered my head that i would deserve a present as thanx.

Plus you said yourself you wanted help with the house so he couldn't go get you it last weekend. What exactly do you want from this man? I presume he works through the week to support you all? Do you go and get him a present each week to thank him?

I expect not rolls eyes

Unless there is some backstory missing, then I am with Moonbeam here. Why on earth should you be getting a present for organising your own small childs birthday party?

if thats the case, my kids owe me the world for all i have done for them

I'm with your husband on this one i'm afraid...if my DH had a paddy like that over something so silly i would have told him to grow up.

I also would not have wanted to be in the same room as him either.

Sounds like he couldn't do right for doing wrong to me

the thanks from your DS - whats wrong with a child throwing his arms round you telling you its the best birthday ever and that you are the best mam in the world

OLC,

You have written at quite considerable length about your H and your rapidlyfailing marriage long before now and it will remain thus as he won't change. Your role here is that fully enabling his behaviour; he acts like this because he can and you permit it. I will put it to you that nothing has changed and it won't as long as the two of you remain together. You are both caught up in this private war here and this time around your child is being affected by the actions of his parents just as both he and you were with yours.

Denial is also a powerful force here.

What are you getting out of this relationship now? Something is still keeping you there with this man of yours; what is it exactly?.

Consider your child in all this - what is this boy learning from the two of you about relationships now?. You are both now teaching him the same damaging lessons that both you and your H saw as children. This is no legacy to leave him is it?. Such problems too easily become generational in nature and it will affect him in adulthood if you choose not to act decisively.

What is the child learning in all this?

That his mum throws a strop because she doesn't get a present for organising his party.

I am curious how that poor lad must feel?? knowing that HIS party has caused an argument because his Mum can't just accept a thankyou. She also wanted his Dad to stay at home and help with the house...leaving it impossible for his Dad to get this bloody present in the first place...and now he will see his party as the cause for yet another argument?

Pathetic if ya ask me

Lady..regardless of the bigger problems..what i have posted is what the child will be seeing. The child is 5 for god sake. Time to pick your battles and over a childs party is not the battle i would choose personally.

I have read the OP fully thankyou

Lady, do me a favour and write your own paragraphs will you. I can manage quite well by myself

Stop being so bloody patronising and work on your own 'paragraphs' eh!

I wrote exactly what i meant...please don't put words in my 'mouth'