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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where do I start, my beloved mum

32 replies

fartingfran · 07/05/2011 22:23

It seems she's been having an affair. My poor dad. I was going to post about her lack of interest in me and my kids over the last year or so. It seems that she's had other things to be busy with. :(

Dad has not been a great husband and I know she's very bitter but her apparent midlife crisis has manifested in more ways than weight loss and walking holidays. I don't know what, if anything I should do about it. I was going to sit down and talk to her and ask why she was so disinterested in my life now I have kids when she was so involved and seemingly happily previously. I don't know that the conversation I had envisaged can take place now.

Do I say something? My character is such that I usually go in all guns blazing but I guess that can only do harm in this situation. Has anyone been here?

OP posts:

Blethermouse · 07/05/2011 22:58

I do sympathise but surely its between your parents and it's their marriage. Also as you say she has been unhappy so I guess you can understand her reasons. I would take a step back and just let both of them know you are there.
Also I don't want to again sound hard hearted but she does have her own life to live and maybe you are expecting a bit too much?

perfumedlife · 07/05/2011 23:00

It's tricky but I agree with Blethermouse. Are you totally sure about the affair?

In what way do you think your dad has been a less than great husband? Perhaps there is more that you don't know about, maybe your mum shielded you from things?

pollyblue · 07/05/2011 23:24

You say "my poor Dad" but also that he's not been a great husband. You sound a little sneering at the thought she might be very unhappy and that has - possibly - led to an affair. Are you sure about the affair? And how much do you know about your parent's relationship and why she is "very bitter"?

She's her own person in her own right, not just his wife and your mother. Please don't go in all guns blazing - can you not offer her a sympathetic no-strings-attached ear?

Original poster

fartingfran · 07/05/2011 23:31

My Dad spent more time with his mates in the pub than he did with us at home. No, not true, he would sometimes go to the pub but wouldn't phone or anything, just didn't show up. Spent money that should have been for the family. Was basically childish and disrespectful and unsupportive. Also has a foul temper. But there was never any doubt over his love for mum - he idolised her, and has been faithful and a friend to her. Basically drink was the problem.

These days he's older, wiser, mellower. Still not a conventional man and quite dogmatic and strangely antisocial, but totally devoted to my mum. He doesn't deserve to be betrayed in his own home under his nose. What's going on is a gross abuse of trust.

I haven't got proof but a huge weight of circumstantial evidence has suddenly clicked with something my sister said tonight and she says she has seen things which almost remove all suspicion. Presumably online.

I have a lot of sympathy for my mum, she has had a hard time and he hasn't been the husband she wanted, but she is also very cure that the grass is always greener and very bitter and really doesn't, IMO, see any of the positives that are obvious to me.

I haven't been shielded, I was the confidante - perhaps sounding board is a better term.

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Original poster

fartingfran · 07/05/2011 23:32

very sure that the grass is always greener

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Littlefish · 07/05/2011 23:36

I don't think that there's anything you can do.

You don't have to be a confidante if you don't want to be.

However you view your parent's relationship, it really isn't anything to do with you. Even though you said that your dad idolised and loved your mother and has been faithful to her, it also sounds like he has behaved pretty badly in his time too.

Do you think she would be happier apart from your dad?

pollyblue · 07/05/2011 23:40

Confidant/sounding board is a hard thing to be - I was my Mum's confidant throughout her turbulent love life and it was hard. She told me things I wish she hadn't and often i didn't know whether to sympathise with her (which was my gut instinct as she was my Mum after all) or her husband, because I could often see both sides. Must be harder for you, as they are both your parents.

Maybe you need, for your own self-preservation - to keep out of the situation and let them sort things out between them.

Original poster

fartingfran · 07/05/2011 23:49

I feel protective towards dad because for everything he's done wrong he's not a bad person. He's very very honest, loyal and in many ways naive. And very trusting. To find out he's been betrayed would destroy him. He relies on mum so much. I also think she'd be shocked at how hard her life would be without him - she has no family at all, just us.

I love and admire her, she's a strong and wise woman, and she did a great job bringing us up with few resources and lots of obstacles. She's become very selfish latterly and I have been supportive and understanding, if she wants to do things for herself instead of spending time with her grandkids I have always encouraged it because I can see she needs the freedom now. But this I can't support.

The worst thing is that she lives close to us but doesn't care anymore, and DP's mum who lives for our kids is hundreds of miles away and terminally ill. A tangent maybe but still so unfair.

OP posts:

pollyblue · 08/05/2011 00:14

I just noticed your comment ask why she was so disinterested in my life now I have kids. Maybe it's not that she's disinterested in you, but now you have your own life and family, she's thinking "is this it for me?" You admit her life has not been easy, and now maybe she has met someone who she feels she could be happy with, but that has thrown up all sorts of worries and conflicts. Maybe life with your Dad, regardless of his good points, has just worn her down and she wants a different life, but knows that that will not be a easy decision to make.

A lot of "maybes!" Only your Mum really knows what's going on and you can only find out by talking to her.

Original poster

fartingfran · 08/05/2011 00:27

The man in question is married, his wife is a friend of my mum's and she has been fighting cancer. I have limited sympathy for her bringing this man into their home under the guise of "friend". Surely no amount of historical unhappiness justifies this? Trying to think of the responses this might get if my dad was a female OP.

As I said, I have endeavoured to support her in doing stuff for herself. I do feel sad for my kids. She came over this morning but phoned first to say she wouldn't be coming in, so I didn't even tell DS she was coming as he'd want to show her things and play with her. She lives 15 minutes away but works so they barely see her as it is, and I am sad for them but recognise that she's not obligated to be there for them and probably benefits more from her preferred pursuit of walking.

I think I'll sleep on it but will talk to her about things soon. DP says I need to think about what, if anything, to do next depending on the outcome of a discussion with her. I have no idea.

Thank you all for your wise words.

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pollyblue · 08/05/2011 00:35

I do sympathise OP, some of what you say reminds me of my Mum. She has very little to do with my dcs (despite making all the right devoted granny noises to friends and relatives). I'm her only child, so my three dcs are her only grandchildren. She forgot DC1's birthday this year, and last time she visited called her a "pain".

Sorry, digressing.....I feel sad for them but in a way relief for myself and I'm not involved in the emotional rollercoaster of her life any more - our relationship is ok, just distant.

I hope things go ok for you and your Mum.

duckypoo · 08/05/2011 01:41

I think tbh you should do nothing. If you do feel the need to do something, I would bring it up with your Mum, let her know that you know. This may force her to face the reality of the situation. I certainly don't think you should tell your Dad, like you say he hasn't been the perfect partner, let your Mum decide what to do.

Original poster

fartingfran · 08/05/2011 07:47

I won't be telling my dad. I can't be 100% certain of the facts yet anyway.

But if it's true it's going to be very hard to look my dad in the eye knowing I'm part of the betrayal.

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Anniegetyourgun · 08/05/2011 08:28

"Trying to think of the responses this might get if my dad was a female OP"

They'd be different, I'm sure. But you are in a different situation - it's your parent, not your spouse, who's having this apparent affair, and I believe the advice has been quite well tailored to that.

I can only tell you, for the little it's worth, that XH was a devoted husband who idolised me and relied on me and as far as I know was always faithful. He was also negative, pathologically messy, emotionally abusive and often extremely silly. He drove me to the brink of insanity. After many years of holding everything more-or-less together I had a short-term sort-of online affair which believe me I do regret, but at least gave me the impetus to break out. I had screaming throwing fits while XH stood there looking sad. The family home which we had built ourselves had to be sold because I needed the equity to put towards my new house. (Don't I sound horrible!) XH gathered the DCs around him in a united front because they could not understand what I was doing, and the stories he told them didn't help (I tried for a long time to do the not badmouthing the other parent thing, but he had no such scruples; although sometimes he said I should be pitied rather than blamed as I was obviously having a midlife crisis). Most of the DCs were old enough to choose where to live so they chose to live with him; although they had begun to see I had my reasons, they reckoned he needed their support more than I did. Gradually, however, they all migrated over to mine because once I wasn't there to cover things up, or blame things on, they realised he was fucking impossible to live with. And they didn't even have to share a bed with him...

Oh, and the "affair" went nowhere and since I moved out I haven't felt the need to have one since. I explain to people, should they be so rude as to ask, that I've had aversion therapy to the whole bloke thing.

Probably completely different from what's happening between your parents, but all I'm saying (at considerable length) is: never judge a person till you've walked a mile etc. Even if you live with them you may never know the whole truth.

Original poster

fartingfran · 08/05/2011 09:23

Thanks Annie.

I guess I'm just really sad about it all - partly because she used to be the person I could always turn to, and now she's overtly disinterested, and partly for my dad.

She's not responsible for my happiness any more though I guess.

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Blethermouse · 08/05/2011 10:09

great post annie
all the best for sorting this out OP

Original poster

fartingfran · 09/05/2011 18:33

Just a bit more to add ... My younger sister is living there just now and tells me she has actually spoken to mum about this before. Mum insists it's no more than a friendship and has had the guy staying there for weekends. But they text and phone all the time, then they apparently discussed it and decided to only communicate by letter instead. Dad has walked in on them embracing before now and it seems is very uncomfortable with the man being in his home but when it's been discussed he's been told that he's just a friend and not to be silly, basically. It's obviously an emotional affair and mum's convinced herself that because it's (presumably) not physical it's somehow ok to put dad in that position.

How am I supposed to stand back and watch her do this? :(

OP posts:

Littlefish · 09/05/2011 18:47

I really don't think there is anything you can do. She's a grown up, so is your dad.

He's the only one who can say or do anything.

You need to back off.

JamieAgain · 09/05/2011 18:52

I can really empathise with you, OP. Even though you know your mum might have "good reason", she is still betraying someone else you love, and also over time the deceptions she will have already made will have affected you - inevitable there will have been times she had directly lied to you about where she was and what she was doing. It's very hard not to feel angry and upset about that (been there), even though none of her action were intended to hurt you.

I want to say, talk to her. Morally it doesn't sit right to be party to information that your dad doesn't have (actually, he may know). BUT my gut says, keep well clear because once it's out then you are going to be caught in the middle.

JamieAgain · 09/05/2011 19:07

And I wanted to say. Good post Annie

Original poster

fartingfran · 09/05/2011 19:45

I think what I want someone to say to me is "Confront her then persuade her to stop it and move on like nothing's happened". I think that's not going to happen though.

If it wasn't for DS adoring his grandad so much I'd cut her out to be honest.

But yes, I think I'll sit this out for now.

OP posts:

Original poster

fartingfran · 10/05/2011 18:32

Sorry, I'm now sort of chronicling this here because I can't really vent much in RL.

Dad phoned me today to tell me about it - basically he and mum had a big chat yesterday now this bloke's gone and apparently "the air has been cleared". Dad told mum he was uncomfortable that she and this man are so physically affectionate all the time (ie embraces, linking arms everywhere they go, mum basically acting all happy and flirty sort of thing) and it was making him feel embarrassed and hurt (his words to me - "a wee bit devastated" :() in his own home. Mum told him that the OM is like this with everyone and in short convinced Dad that he was being daft and he should get over it and accept it. Given my dad is pretty naive and trusting and my sister has also complained about how overtly affectionate they are it seems likely that she's totally taking the piss out of him. He said he's 90% happy now and it's been a wake up call for him to make more effort to be physically affectionate. I think he thought that was all there was to it, but my take on this is that mum's going to do what the hell she likes and any protests from dad will be dismissed as overreaction.

So I'm now involved whether I like it or not because I told Dad that she was totally out of line for making him out to be the unreasonable one and that it was bullshit. I guess IWBU, huh? But what else could I say?

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Original poster

fartingfran · 10/05/2011 18:33

I should add that I also said he was the one who had the conversation and if his gut feeling was that things were sorted out then that was all that mattered. He then said the thing about being 90% happy. Not good.

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JamieAgain · 10/05/2011 18:37

To clarify - after he told you this you gave your opinion that it was bullshit - ie she was lying?

Original poster

fartingfran · 10/05/2011 18:39

No, not that she was lying but that if she's bringing a man to stay in their marital home and constantly embracing him and fawning over him, and my dad then expresses discomfort and hurt at that, her response should be to try to sort that out, not to deny his feelings and tell him to get over it.

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