Where do I start, my beloved mum

[fartingfran]

It seems she's been having an affair. My poor dad. I was going to post about her lack of interest in me and my kids over the last year or so. It seems that she's had other things to be busy with. :(

Dad has not been a great husband and I know she's very bitter but her apparent midlife crisis has manifested in more ways than weight loss and walking holidays. I don't know what, if anything I should do about it. I was going to sit down and talk to her and ask why she was so disinterested in my life now I have kids when she was so involved and seemingly happily previously. I don't know that the conversation I had envisaged can take place now.

Do I say something? My character is such that I usually go in all guns blazing but I guess that can only do harm in this situation. Has anyone been here?

OK.

Oh dear, what a mess. Really feel for you. Not blaming you for saying what you did in the moment - you are feeling angry with her, and maybe it will be helpful. BUT I think , that hard as it might be, you are really going to have to back off now and not allow yourself to become a confidante for either of them. Don't say anything to one of them that you wouldn't be prepared to say to the other. My father put me in this position and although I was hugely sympathetic at first, ultimately I respected him less for doing that to me. They are adults and you can't know what has gone on in their marriage. If your dad needs marital advice, or to vent, he needs to speak to friends or a Counsellor. If you don't disengage yourself you are going to get very hurt and stressed.

I hope some of the others come back, too. TBH I've still not quite got my head straight about this myself and I'm a bit worried about giving duff advice

Sorry this is a raw nerve for you Jamie :( I appreciate your thoughts, especially in light of your own experiences.

It's difficult, isn't it? I agree with Jamie (and not just because of the kind remarks further up the thread!). You were pretty much forced to say something in response to him raising the subject, and there are worse things you could have said, but neither of them should be dumping this on you.

No I don't think your mum's behaviour sounds good, even if it were innocent, which is unlikely. Still, as the adult offspring of both of them, it should not be your job to sort her, or both of them, out. If they were old and helpless then yes, you owe them whatever help you can give; but as long as they've got their marbles you can't really stop them going to hell in their own way. Whether you ought to try is a matter of opinion, really. My opinion is that probably, on balance, you shouldn't, but... it's difficult.

TBH if it was me, I would make sometime to talk to my Mum privately. Explain to her how it looks to you/your sister/outsiders. Tell her it is her and your Dads marriage but you don't want him messed around. Also make it clear you don't want confidences, its not your business after all. You could also tell her that you have felt she has been withdrawing from you recently, and you regret the lost closeness.
But then stay out of it. Do not allow your parents to pull you into the middle. They are people and you are not their parent to pull them out of scrapes.

Thanks :) I think you're right, I can't be the parent, and that will be tough.

I've had a long chat with DP about it tonight and I've decided to talk to her about MY problem with her lack of interest, just so it's off my chest and I've said my piece. If any more comes of it then fine but I'm going to just try and get that out in the open.

Hopefully my dad will tread carefully but as he's been made to feel that the trouble lies with him I'm not sure. Have to just sit on it for now I think.

Good plan