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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some advice please. DP cheated i can forgive but not forget

34 replies

ticktickboom · 07/05/2011 22:09

Hi sorry this might be a bit long and there may be some spelling miskates, im dyslexic so im sorry. i did use a spellchecker though :)

I have been with my DP for a year now. I have a 2 year old DD from a previous relationship and my DP adores her. They get on so well and she loves him to bits.

i first found out he was cheating on me about 2 months into our relationship. I picked up his phone by accident (we have the same phone) and opened a text from another woman going into detail how much she enjoyed last night and couldnt wait to see him again. he tried to lie and say it was his mate winding him up but im not stupid and i went mad. he promised he wuldnt do it again and that he wanted to be with me.

I gave him another chance but everything sort of went downhill. We were hardly ever intimate there was no more nice texts or sexy texts that we used to send to each other and he would turn his phone off and disapear for days at a time.

At christmas i had enough and i hacked into his emails. Turns out he had beens signed up to a swingers site for months and was meeting several differet woman for sex - the main one being the woman i caught him with the first time. I was totally heartbroken and so so angry. Again he tried to lie saying it wasnt him but i told him i had read everything. He then tried to make it my fault for him doing it because i wouldnt agree to a threesome so he thought it was ok for him to go out and try and find another woman for a threesome anyway. I threw him out and he again said he was sorry and he would never do it again. I decided to go against the advice of my friends and i gave him another chance. that was probarbly stupid but it was my decision so i suppose feeling like this is my own fault.

Since then things have been better. He has been spending more time here with us and has been taking more of an interest in the relationship. Sex life has improved a bit but its still only once a month which really isnt enough for me. He also has to be drunk before he will be intimate with me and that sets alarm bells off in my head. I thought maybe he didnt fancy me because im overweight but the other woman he was sleeping with are a lot bigger than i am so im not sure its that. It could just be because he is genuinley not attracted to me which begs the question of why is he with me?

I am a really shy person and i hate confrontation, it scares me, so im not realy sure how to ask him whats going on. i just try and guess whats going on inside his head.

Im pretty sure the cheating has stopped now but i still have that doubt of is he really going where he says he is going etc. he has a passcode on his phone too so i cant even check that. not that i would because ive learnt my lesson in that department.

what i really want to know is, has anyone else been in this situation and how do i move forward? The relationship is generally good, i love him and we get on so well together and have a laugh most of the time. I just dont think he is genuinley happy with me even though he says he does want to be with me and my DD.

I wouldnt say i was happy, im content. Im only 22 and this is really my first serious relationship so im not sure if its normal to have lack of trust or feel so hurt months after they have cheated. Like i said im pretty sure its stopped but i cant forget about it. Something always reminds me of it and i feel sick when i think about it. Is it my own fault for prying?

OP posts:
Malificence · 07/05/2011 22:19

It's not a good relationship and he's not a good man - good men do not do this.
You need to work on your self esteem and realise that he will never change and that you don't need to put up with this awful behaviour, NO man is worth this. For god's sake don't have children with this man, he will ruin your life and he is not a good role model for your child.

You are one year older than my DD, if her partner was doing this to her I would kill him, or rather my DH would.

He is inadequate as a man and as a human being, what do your family and friends say about him?

madonnawhore · 07/05/2011 22:21

So, pretty much the WHOLE time you've been together, he's been cheating on you?

This is a hiding to nothing sweetheart. He sounds like a prick. You are only young still, why are you putting up with this shit? You don't have kids with him, so just get rid of this toxic relationship and go and find someone you can be happy with.

zikes · 07/05/2011 22:21

This sounds really dire to me. He's cheated on you repeatedly from the get-go.

The first year of a relationship should be easy: it should be the honeymoon period with you showing the best of yourselves to each other. This is the best he's got?!

He should be proving to you that he's trustworthy, not you afraid to ask him what's going on. He should be being open about his emails/texts everything, so that nothing is hidden, not acting like you did wrong to find him out.

You're 22. Do not settle for this.

GypsyMoth · 07/05/2011 22:21

its not your fault,no

however,he's probably still doing it,but he's just got better at hiding it,hence the lock

sorry,think this is never going to work.

Famouslastwords · 07/05/2011 22:22

I don't normally post on here as I'm not as good at articulating things as some of the more regular posters but couldn't read your post and not reply.
You've only been with this guy a year and have already put up with a lot of shit and the worst part of it is not the cheating, it's the fact that he does not seem to be making things up to you and you are actually looking to blame yourself.
You don't deserve to be treated this way.
If you want to continue this relationship (and to be honest, I don't think you are as 'content' as you say as you clearly don't trust him - and who can blame you?!) then you both need to sit down and discuss what has happened and how you are going to move forward.
He needs to be completely honest with you and transparent in the future. None of this pin code on his mobile crap!
He should be trying to win you and your trust back.
Ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship because it seems like he is still causing you heartache.
If you need support, this is a great place to post as there are a lot of experienced posters with a lot of great advice but what I will say is think about you and your DD, not him.

What do you want and what is best for you?
You deserve to be happy and as thing stands I can't see that you will be.

madonnawhore · 07/05/2011 22:24

You sound like you have really low self-esteem OP and he is using that fact to just walk all over you and do whatever he wants.

I would suggest getting rid of this dickhead and then having some counselling to work on your self-worth and make sure no one ever treats you like this again.

Original poster
ticktickboom · 07/05/2011 22:24

My family really like him. My friends hate him. My famliy dont know about the cheating and stuff so they just see the good side of him and dont know how much im hurting inside. My friends saw how upset i was and none of them talk to him. The funny thing is, he doesnt understand why they dont like him. Part of me knows he is not a good man but theres a part of me that wants him to be and there is a lot of good stuff...but this is just making me feel so low and i hate it. I wish i could trust him 100% but that trust has gone. He makes so many plans for our future about moving to a house in the country and he is booking us a holiday and stuff and im just scared of giving up my home to move in with him and he gets bored a week later and im homeless.

i wont have kids with him im very careful because he made it perfectly clear that he doesnt want any children of his own and i know i couldnt cope with 2 on my own.

Im gonna have to have a chat with him i think. I just dont know how.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 07/05/2011 22:26

Don't for god's sake move in with him. Listen to your friends!

With no trust, there's no point. Honestly it is so sad to read your posts and see you trying to explain away his shitty, shitty behaviour. There's no excusing what he's done. It would be very damaging in the long run for your DCs if you were to stay with this man.

Original poster
ticktickboom · 07/05/2011 22:29

Thank you for letting me know its not my own fault. I do have low self esteem and this may be one of the main issues in my relationships failing.

I wish i was more assertive and confident. Would counselling help?

OP posts:
9876543210 · 07/05/2011 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 07/05/2011 22:31

Don't give up your home whatever you do.
If he truly loved and respected you, do you really believe he would have repeatedly cheated on you?
You have your daughter to consider , do you want her to grow up with an insecure, neurotic mum, forever wondering what he is up to?
You owe him nothing, he has shown you nothing but disrespect and you should show him the door quite frankly.

You have your whole life ahead of you, there is plenty of time to find a man who loves and respects you.

Dozer · 07/05/2011 22:32

You need to work on your self-esteem, and get out of this toxic relationship. Tell your family the truth, they will then dislike him as much as your friends do.

Why are you accepting such crappy treatment?

Original poster
ticktickboom · 07/05/2011 22:34

Thank you so much for your comments you have made me think more clearly now. I need to grow a set and kick him out for good. Im scared but it all gets better with time

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 07/05/2011 22:34

Don't chat with him op, email or text him telling him to never contact you again. It will do wonders for your self esteem. He has cheated on you since day one.

He doesn't live with you, does he? Perhaps you need to learn to like your own company for a while before getting involved with another man. You met him soon after the father of your child was born, and didn't have time on your own really. It's crucial to learn to love your own company before you can really love someone else and let them love you. There is nothing wrong with being on your own for a while. And you don't want your dd to get close to father figures who don't stay around, do you? That leads to insecurity.

I think you should tell your family exactly what this dp has put you through, their outrage will help see you through the ditching him stage.

Dozer · 07/05/2011 22:35

Counselling may well help, if you get a good counsellor, but can be hard to get on nhs. Friends might be able to help, or "self help" / relationship books?

Original poster
ticktickboom · 07/05/2011 22:37

Dozer - I dont want to sound like a victim but to be honest i have been cheated on in every relationship i have ever been in and i suppose im just used to being treated like crap. Im not the best looking girl and im overweight which is why i keep getting cheated on. Im doing all i can to lose the weight and im doing well so far but keeping it off is easier said than done. I wish i had finished things earlier it would have been a lot easier.

OP posts:
Xales · 07/05/2011 22:37

STI clinic pronto

If he is shagging people on swinging sites he is risking all the other people he and they have shagged on swinging sites having something! If he shags 5 people and each of them shags 5 people look how your risk is multiplied!!!!!

Why do you stay in a relationship with this man? He has no respect for you, your mental, emotional and physical well being.

He is not going to change.

Dozer · 07/05/2011 22:38

Also, actions speak louder than words. Anyone can talk about future holidays, houses etc, but people who are committed don't fuck around!

Famouslastwords · 07/05/2011 22:39

Please don't move in with him!
This says it all: ' im just scared of giving up my home to move in with him and he gets bored a week later and im homeless.'

Counselling might be a good place to start for you to build up your self esteem and work out why you are prepared to put up with this shit.

Dozer · 07/05/2011 22:41

Please don't blame yourself, your weight and looks are not the problem here, the awful men are.

zikes · 07/05/2011 22:42

You're not cheated on because of your weight/looks, you've just had terrible boyfriends. Hell, Jerry Hall got cheated on.

I think counselling might help you raise your self-esteem, and also hopefully recognise & reject wrong uns.

9876543210 · 07/05/2011 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Famouslastwords · 07/05/2011 22:44

Ticktickboom please don't think your looks or weight have ANYTHING to do with being cheated on. People cheat because they choose to because they're weak scumbags.
The only part you play is by feeling so crap about yourself you let them get away with it.
Don't let this guy have so much power over you.

Start to take control of how you feel about yourself and the rest will follow.

Ishani · 07/05/2011 22:44

You don't need to talk to him dump him.
I had a boyfriend when I was on my own with a 6 month old DD and all my family keep going on about how he was so good looking .... for me they meant and he had a good job ..... he didn't I out earnt him, and wasn't I a lucky girl .... that somebody would take me on soiled goods that I was.
A friend came to visit from out of town and was with the two of us less than 3 hours and told me the truth about what a prat this bloke was and opened my eyes.
I'd dumped him within a week and never looked back.
I married a lovely man who's never made me feel 2nd best.
You will meet the one but as my friend pointed out to me you can't find/date/marry him whilst you've got this dickhead hanging around.

perfumedlife · 07/05/2011 22:45

It's not you tick, it's the shit men you have unfortunatly attracted because your self esteem isn't great. They zoom in on people with low esteem. There are lovely blokes out there and you will meet them when you give yourself some time to get over this and learn to love and respect yourself. If you can't respect yourself, no one else will.