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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How did I get here?

38 replies

LadyBlaBlah · 07/05/2011 21:47

So, with DH since 20 (now 36). Married for nearly 9 years. 2 DCs.

We have had a few problems recently after a build up over a good few years. Usual script - he was immature and unready for first DC - carried on living like a free man, left everything to me, worked away and was never home, tried to put me down (didn't manage it but still tried), never supported me to keep working (I gave up an excellent job after DC2, retrained and set up a business a year ago), hassled for sex constantly, checked up on me all the time etc. Sounds dreadful I know, but obviously he does have some good points - no one is completely bad.

I posted about 8 weeks ago under a different name, after he had got really rough with me - pushing very hard, ripped my top off, after we had been out and I had been talking (read flirting) with a handsome man. Yes, I admit to getting Shirley Valentine urges- nothing done, but urges there. Escapism I guess.

Well it seems it has happened again, last night he went insane. Flipped out when we were on our way home from a leaving do. He pushed me, slammed my umbrella on me,grabbed me, called me a bitch and whore. Started saying "you want to fuck men do you?" , well "I will fuck you" and pushed me into a driveway pinned me up against the wall and grabbed my crotch. I started crying and said please don't hurt me and he stopped. But still shouting and pushing me til we got home. And he did the 'fuck' thing later when we were in bed too. But stopped when I said, "you are going to rape me???"

I am in shock, and know what I need to do. Just can't believe how weak I am being.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 07/05/2011 21:49

womens aid can help you

but get away,and fast.

Littlefish · 07/05/2011 21:51

I agree with ILoveTIFFANY.

Phone Womens aid now.

PHONE: 0808 2000 247

Email: [email protected]

aurorastargazer · 07/05/2011 21:56

oh sweetheart SadSadSad

i remember your last thread and was wondering how you were getting on (((((hugs)))))

first of all, you are not weak you are a lovely woman who is obviously in shock at what her (d)h has done.

what i and others have to say will be hard to hear but you need to try and listen, you may not want to but please try.

with the greatest respect to you, ladyb, this has happened before and has now happened again, i think you know what you need to now do but are finding it hard to admit to - it seems such a final step sometimes. please believe me when i say that you need to start getting an 'escape box' and keeping it a trusted friend's house and to contact womens aid about what you can do next.

it is getting worse and will only get more so, despite any apologies.

please, please, please start thinking about what you need to do to keep you and your ds safe xxxx

my advice may be patchy but i hope that someone else will join me in saying that you are not weak, however much this situation has got you believing that you are

bustersmummy · 07/05/2011 21:56

Get out.

Get out now.

Stay out.

Never go back.

zikes · 07/05/2011 21:58

He's escalating. You need to get out.

complimentary · 07/05/2011 22:06

I remember you from politiics page. This sounds like a very serious situation. His reaction is way over the top and is assault. If you stay he may very well assault you. Have you not got family you can stay with? Until you sort the situation out?

garlicbutter · 07/05/2011 22:16

You are so NOT weak, LadyB! It is a dreadful shock. You know what you're looking at, and you know this must end now. No wonder you're in shock, it's not exactly what you signed up for is it?

Please do ring Womans Aid; it will be a massive relief to speak to people who understandly perfectly and can give you calm, clear, professional advice. Keep posting if it helps. Good luck.

Original poster
LadyBlaBlah · 07/05/2011 22:20

This is so hard. I don't understand why I can't do what I need to do.

He assaulted me last night for sure - numerous times. I was going to call the police but my phone had been stolen earlier in the night

I will call women's aid tomorrow. Can't deal with today.

OP posts:
bustersmummy · 07/05/2011 22:23
aurorastargazer · 07/05/2011 22:31

it feels like you can't do what you need to because then that would be admitting to yourself what your husband has done. you have taken the first step in talking about, on here, what has happened.

zikes · 07/05/2011 22:31

You could call the police now.

Original poster
LadyBlaBlah · 07/05/2011 22:33

If I admit it, and face up to it, my life changes for ever, as does my dc's lives. It's just a lose lose situation that I can't face.
Cant stop crying now

OP posts:
aurorastargazer · 07/05/2011 22:34

maybe th eop can't call them from the landline if the h is in the house and that was why she needed her mobile. can you get out the hosue to phone them?

perfumedlife · 07/05/2011 22:40

Listen op, you cannot not face up to this now, your kids and your own safety demand it of you. I know it's hideous and it's unfair, but dig deep and find a little bit of steel in yourself, that bit that says ' I don't fucking deserve this, no woman deserves this!' Your parents didn't bring you up with tender loving care to throw you into the jaws of this lion, don't throw that love back at them. Demand your right to live in peace.

Please call womans aid, the first step is the hardest. It will be worth it, to sleep soundly in bed and not have this fear that the man who is supposed to cherish you will turn on you.

perfumedlife · 07/05/2011 22:42

Where is he right now op? Has he tried to talk to you, to make excuses?

Original poster
LadyBlaBlah · 07/05/2011 22:46

Thank you, really thank you.

I am in the spare room. He is in our room. He has been predictably ashamed today and very apologetic. And has said he needs to leave because he shouldn't do this to me. But hasn't. I will call WA. But not right now because I will just cry and not get my words out.

OP posts:
Ladymaryjane · 07/05/2011 22:46

Are you still there OP? You are amongst friends. Hope you are okay

Original poster
LadyBlaBlah · 07/05/2011 22:46

He says he doesn't remember - drunk

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 07/05/2011 22:48

Where will you sleep tonight? If you can't face getting in touch with someone tonight, at least try, in your head, to formulate a mini plan for things you could grab if you need to leave. Are your family/friends nearby?

Is this drink related with him?

perfumedlife · 07/05/2011 22:50

cross posted. In many ways, that's worse. The 'I can't remember' get out clause. I always think drunk people find the 'courage' when pissed to do what they are too cowardly to do sober.

I really hope there is no booze in the bedroom.

Ladymaryjane · 07/05/2011 22:50

Yeah, 'being drunk' excuses so much doesn't it? Can you confide in someone IRL?

aurorastargazer · 07/05/2011 22:51

this is what he was saying last time sweetheart

circlehead · 07/05/2011 22:52

Please do whatever it takes to get out, your OP made me feel utterly disgusted. If it means going to a shelter or whatever, swallow your pride and do it. He has assaulted you twice, why on earth should he think twice about continuing to do so now? It will become habit very quickly.

FabbyChic · 07/05/2011 22:53

Have you actually told him what he has done? There is a way around it rather than leave.

You can both get help, go to Relate, talk about his problems that he has when he drinks.

If he wants to stay and loves you he has to stop drinking and he has to stop it now.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 07/05/2011 22:54

Oh shit lady I'm really sorry.

But this is NOT a lose lose situation, if you get out it will be better for you all. DCs may be upset but one day they will understand.

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