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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How did I get here?

38 replies

LadyBlaBlah · 07/05/2011 21:47

So, with DH since 20 (now 36). Married for nearly 9 years. 2 DCs.

We have had a few problems recently after a build up over a good few years. Usual script - he was immature and unready for first DC - carried on living like a free man, left everything to me, worked away and was never home, tried to put me down (didn't manage it but still tried), never supported me to keep working (I gave up an excellent job after DC2, retrained and set up a business a year ago), hassled for sex constantly, checked up on me all the time etc. Sounds dreadful I know, but obviously he does have some good points - no one is completely bad.

I posted about 8 weeks ago under a different name, after he had got really rough with me - pushing very hard, ripped my top off, after we had been out and I had been talking (read flirting) with a handsome man. Yes, I admit to getting Shirley Valentine urges- nothing done, but urges there. Escapism I guess.

Well it seems it has happened again, last night he went insane. Flipped out when we were on our way home from a leaving do. He pushed me, slammed my umbrella on me,grabbed me, called me a bitch and whore. Started saying "you want to fuck men do you?" , well "I will fuck you" and pushed me into a driveway pinned me up against the wall and grabbed my crotch. I started crying and said please don't hurt me and he stopped. But still shouting and pushing me til we got home. And he did the 'fuck' thing later when we were in bed too. But stopped when I said, "you are going to rape me???"

I am in shock, and know what I need to do. Just can't believe how weak I am being.

OP posts:

Ladymaryjane · 07/05/2011 22:54

Sorry, don't know the back story but it sounds awful for the OP Would like to help if I can

SalmeMurrikAgain · 07/05/2011 23:01

Fabbychic: sorry, but the OP gives the strong impression that she has been living with totally unacceptable behaviour for a long time, maybe throughout the whole relationship. Put-downs and controlling behaviour have now escalated into violence. I understand that Relate will not agree to joint counselling where one partner is abusive. If this man has an alcohol problem, he needs to fix it - alone. The OP needs to formulate a plan and get support from family/friends to leave asap as her safety and that of her child is at risk.

aurorastargazer · 07/05/2011 23:15

salme - it is easy for us to say what the op needs to do,it is she that needs to do it - it may be very hard and difficult for her to believe what has happened, he didn't mean it, he was drunk, ...

FabbyChic · 07/05/2011 23:26

If the abuse is born of drink then he has a problem.

I'd be more concerned if he did not show remorse, if he didn't I would say get the fuck out.

I myself have been in abusive relationships, I doubt there are many that haven't, but if you can nip it in the bud initially especially where there are children involved surely it is better?

I guess it really depends on the make up of their lives, mortgage, child care the rest of it, for some it is not easy to just walk. It took me ten years in one relationship and there was no financial ties, and in another six months but not before I'd married him which lasted a month.

Tis easy for us to say get the fuck out, the reality is it is never that easy.

garlicbutter · 07/05/2011 23:50

How can he be remorseful when he claims to not even remember assaulting his wife and trying to rape her? You can't repent a crime you don't acknowledge.

CatPower · 07/05/2011 23:57

How can he be remorseful when he claims to not even remember assaulting his wife and trying to rape her? You can't repent a crime you don't acknowledge.

Amen.

Please phone WA as soon as you can, and make arrangements to leave him. He's assaulting you, and this will continue if you don't make arrangements to get you and your children somewhere safe. Good luck. x

Selks · 08/05/2011 00:06

A classic part of domestic abuse is the remorse after the act. This is what often keeps the woman from leaving - the promise that it will never happen again...but it does. Because it's a power thing...if the woman stays, the man knows he can get away with it.

OP, get out.

And don't underestimate the effect on your DCs. Living with domestic violence fucks kids up.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/05/2011 09:01

I remember seeing a cartoon strip once, think it might have been The Far Side. There were a couple of boxes sitting in the middle of a beautiful field, and each box contained a man all cramped up. Eventually one of them decides he's a bit bored with this, flips the lid open and sees the lovely countryside all around him. The other one decides to have a look too, stretches, and the side of his box falls off. He goes "Oh no, what have I done?" The other one says "I think you broke it". So they both sit down in their boxes again and carefully pull the opened sides back into place. Last panel is of the two boxes side by side in the field, tightly closed, with the clouds and birds and waving grasses all around them, mountains in the distance, you get the picture.

Fear of change can be a limiting thing.

HerHissyness · 08/05/2011 10:21

Very profound words here, deeply profound sympathy and concern for your Lady. How are you today? Thinking of you.

buggerlugs82 · 08/05/2011 11:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Lizzabadger · 08/05/2011 12:38

He's saying he needs to leave. So - pack his bags for him and change the locks. Phone the police to document what happened last night and take their advice about what you need to do to stay safe. Hope you are OK.

FreudianSlipper · 08/05/2011 13:07

like others have advised you must get in touch with womens aid

his anger is escalating, he will not suddenly change until he himself confronts his problem. you need to also look at your relationship hard have the signs always been there, they are so easy to dismiss

you may work things out in teh future, but the most important thing now is your safety and to get your head around what is actually happening

neuroticmumof3 · 08/05/2011 14:20

it's worrying that he's escalating. even when he's not being violent he's being abusive and controlling. the excuse that he can't remember just helps him justify and negate what he's done and is part of the cycle of abuse.
i agree you need to get out of there and may need to consider a refuge, or you could think about applying for a non molestation order and an occupation order which would keep him away from you and out of the house. have a look at the women's aid website if you haven't already.

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