Oh dear god what a mess.

[stonetheroses]

Name changed for this one. I need some sound advice as none of my friends or family know about this situation! Will try not to ramble :-)

When I met dh i got pregnant within a few weeks of seeing him. I was in a very bad place at the time, had just got out of an emotional rollercoaster of a relationship and drank to much etc. Was on the pill but often missed taking them. At the same time I met up with ex a handful of times and ended up sleeping with him. I was very honest with dh at the time saying baby may not be his. He said that's fine, will bring up as his own regardless. He fell head over heels for me very quickly, and I started out liking him but do of course love him dearly now.

Fast forward 5 years. We are happily married with two dc...all is good, he is a lovely husband, great Dad etc. However, now ds 1 is 5 I know dh is not his father as he is the spitting image of my ex. Since discussing it with dh early in the pregnancy it has never been mentioned again. I don't want to bring it up as I am terrified it will break up our family, and grandparents etc would be distraught if they found out. Dh can be hard work to talk to discuss 'uncomfortable' subjects with, another reason I have never raised the subject.

It bugs me though, I think about it all the time. I feel so guilty that ds1 does not know his real Dad, and that one day if he ever finds out he will never forgive me. So should I keep quiet or try to contact ex to let him know about ds1 and see if he wants contact? Ex was a decent guy but we were bad for each other...too irresponsible when together drinking, partying etc. I loved him more than I have ever loved any man and when we broke up it DESTROYED me. It took years to get over, and to be honest I am still not 100% over him. One reason I am not sure contacting him would be a good idea.

Dh is working offshore for a couple of months so he is not around at the moment. Not sure if that is relevant or not!

So what would you do??

I'm not sure what more you want your dh to say in relation to ds. He has already said, regardless of paternity, he is his dad. And he is, in every way that counts. As for your ds, he is too young to be told this I feel. It could rock him and make him feel insecure. Why do you think your ex will want to have contact with him anyway?

I personally would leave this for now. Of course you will want to tell ds who his blood father is when he is older, but life is good and your family is happy now. You have a great dh who has been incredibly understanding. Do you thin subconsciously you are trying to provoke a reaction from him, to get him to feel differently about ds1? To give yourself permission to contact an ex who you said you are not fully over?

Hmmm. That is so difficult. Dpoes your dh suspect anything? I would keep stum if not. Let your ex go.

Personally, if life is good at the moment, then let things lie.

I don't think you should say anything to your DH. If he wanted to know one way or another he could find out.

Does your ex know you had a baby? Surely he would have his suspicions if so.

I think your feelings for your ex are clouding your judgement. You have the perfect excuse to contact him...but as you say yourself it's probably not a good idea atm. I think in a situation like this blood connections are over rated.

WWID? I'd say nothing for now and play it by ear when DS is older, with a view to telling him who his dad might be when he is old enough to figure it out for himself.

perfumedlife: I am not sure if ex will want contact or not...but a part of me feels he has a son and should know that, and I am being selfish in witholding the info from him and my son. Dh will always be his Daddy, but is it not fairest that he knows about his biological Dad. I feel like I am not telling to keep MY life easier. I also don't want ds to find out later in life at a more difficult age where he may feel completely betrayed by me. I don't think dh will ever think of him differently, that's just the kind of man he is. I may not be over ex 100% but I would never throw away my marriage now for him. If I did contact him it would not be with possibility of something happening, it would be very painful for me though.

toptramp: I don't think dh suspects anything but he is intelligent and can't just have forgotten about that conversation.

The thing is I know life is good now but I am so worried ds will find out in later life. I just keep thinking if I was ds I would want my parents to be honest with me from the start.

I agree with what perfumedlife is saying. At the minute both your children have a happy family home, I would say that it is more beneficial for DS to have the security and continuity that this provides rather than have this rocked for something that may or may not be true. Just because DS1 looks like the ex does not necessarily mean that he is the father ( for some reason I can't get Prince Harry out of my head but that may not necessarily be helpful here)

I think the fact that your DH is abroad is very relevant because you probably have a bit more time on your own to brood about things. If I were you I would not contact the ex, as you say it is likely to bring your life crashing round you which would be much more unsettling for your DS than the current situation and just concentrate on being the best family you can be.

I know what you're saying op, but be cautious with the fairness concept. You married and raised ds with your now dh, that suited you and made you happy at the time, now telling ds and raking it up for dh is going to be perhaps morally correct but deeply unfair too, in order for you to feel you are 'doing the right thing'. You are the parent and ds looks to you for guidance and security. The time for telling him needn't be stormy teens, but perhaps pre adolescence, 10 or 11. He really is very young to learn something like this. But I'm no expert, just my hunch.

I don't concern myself overly with the ex's rights here either. Of course, if he knew he may start asking for contact every Sat overnight and think what possible consequences that could have on your family life. He has managed this long without knowing. The time for telling him was over five years ago, really. I know you are coming from a good place, wanting to do the right thing by your son, but if you tell him and his bio dad, you do risk an awful lot of upheaval.

Do you feel keeping this secret from family is taking a toll on your health?

Thing is you don't actually know your ds is this bloke's. He may look like him, but you also may be seeing something that isn't there, genetics can be funny. It'd be a disaster if you had it wrong after doing the whole dramatic 'you have a son' thing.

I think you should wait, and maybe when your son is older (I'm thinking 16/18) find out for sure, if he wants to.

Although your dh says he'd continue to treat your ds as his, actually knowing he's not his sometimes does make a difference, even with the best intentions.

I think you'd be opening up a whole can of worms and not benefitting anyone.

I also think that because you're still hung up on this man, it is an underlying motivation for why you're tempted to do this.

Ok, well for what it's worth this is my recommendation. Don't do anything without it being a joint decision with your DH.

He took on the role of father to your child and to respect that offer, which you accepted I take it, you need to give him equal say in whether or not the ex is contacted.

This means you have to have a conversation with your DH, when he is around properly and you both have time to think and talk for a while. You have to ask him what he thinks and whether he agrees that ds1 ought to know or at least meet his potential other father.

That is your starting point. If you are even considering doing this behind your DH's back while he's away I would look long and hard at how much respect and loyalty you hold towards the man you married, who is bringing up your son.

I don't mean to be harsh but surely the first thing you should do is consult each other. It's IMO the only way to do this.

That's a very good point Ingrid. It should involve your dh too as it concerns his son.

I read somewhere once that a ridiculous amount of men bring up children they believe to be their own but aren't it's something like 20% worldwide.
You don't KNOW without a DNA test, people are forever commenting about how alike my DD1 is to her dad which makes us laugh because he isn't her biological father.
Let sleeping dogs lie, your son has a father.

Adversecamber: That's reassuring to hear that you felt nothing when you met your biological Dad...it really is just DNA I suppose.

LynetteScavo: He knew I was pregnant and I had a stoney phone conversation with him early on where I told him I wanted nothing to do with him as our relationship was a disaster. He tried to call after that but I changed my mobile number. So really thinking about it with Facebook etc he could easily contact me if he was that bothered about it.

rookiemater: Yes as someone has already mentioned I have too much time with DH away to think. It is dangerous and I need to put this to bed once and for all!

perfumedlife: All that you have said is so true. In fact that is what I needed to here, and what I think my Mum would have said to me if she knew! I really need to be fair to my family and that of course includes dh. I don't know what I am doing by considering causing so much hurt. Ds is too young to even understand right now anyway.

I am starting to think I have issues that I need to deal with, and to keep them separate from ds and dh. I read your line about my health and I could have just broken down in tears right then, but am used to suppressing that feeling! So I think the answer to that is yes :-(

zikes: Fair point about giving him the choice when he is older.

Thanks Ingrid - that saved me typing out what I was thinking!!

and if you do decide to take this further, you should do a paternity test with your DH and DS first.

Ingrid: Yes he deserves that without a doubt. However I really need to work out who I would be doing it for I think. I have also been considering if the roles were reversed...I think I would feel so hurt and used if I was dh and he did this to me.

I think what has led me here is thinking of ex as ds1 'real' dad when if fact he is not. He is a man I had sex with and nothing more to me now. Dh IS however my childrens dad. Not being able to talk to anyone has seriously warped my mind over this. I am usually a very rational person.

I think the general consensus on this one is wise and the way forward. Consider letting ds know at a more appropriate age and don't take for granted what dh has done for me.

Oh you poor love. It will take it's toll, all the secrecy and unsaid stuff. If I were you, I would choose a good time to have a real talk with your dh, to broach the possibility that ds is not his biologically but acknowledge how glad you are that he is his dad. This is a huge elephant in the marital room and you will feel so much better I think when you have been able to speak these words out loud to him. Come at it from a position of being glad, not fear of the ex or planning to involve him. Then maybe you and dh will feel more comfortable with you confiding in your family.

I firmly believe if you don't speak your truth, suppression can cause all sorts of physical and mental pain. But you need to be mindful of keeping it low key for your ds of course. Even so, I don't think all the secrecy is doing you any good, it's getting in the way of enjoying your family and what you have.

agree with perfumedlife.also thinking about it from ds1's perspective he does have a right to know the reality of his origins. you would obviously need to plan very carefully about dna testing before involving ds1 in any discussions which may involve some degree of being economical with the truth. imagine if he was adopted as a tiny baby... you wouldn't be telling him for the first time when he was 13 /18 / never would you? it won't be an easy thing to broach with dh (or if your hunch is right re paternity with ds1) but imo you need to have the conversation with dh.

I totally understand your need to figure out your own motives before you speak to your DH, after all he isn't a counsellor and it is a sensitive topic. So really what springs to mind is finding a few free counselling sessions - maybe through your GP< they often provide this sort of thing, and getting some of it untangled in your mind. Either that or a lot of writing if writing is helpful to you...it can help untangle things.

Good luck whatever you do, I do think it needs discussing with DH but make sure you know what you feel about it too - probably with the help of someone impartial.

I just can't see that any good could come from bringing this up now. Your DS is only five - he needs to grow up feeling happy and secure - not having all he's ever known in life thrown into question. This would be an awful age to be told 'BTW, your dad isn't your dad, some other bloke you've never even met is. Oh, and I don't know if he's interested in being your dad or not'.

Please leave it for now. Your DH is happy to raise your son as his own, regardless of his actual paternity, you sound like you have a happy family and another child who is your DH's, so don't stir this all up just because you're feeling conflicted. Go and talk to a counsellor or Relate (on your own), to help you deal with your feelings about it, but if it were me I'd leave well alone. It ain't broke, so don't break it!

P.S. You and your DH do need to discuss this at some point and your DS probably does need to be told, but I think you need to figure out what you hope to achieve by stirring things up now. If it's just because you can't stop thinking about it then I think you have to find a way to stop thinking about it - put it in it's box until your son is older. My parents split up when I was 6 and it was such a horrible time to lose that sense of security I'd had until that point. I really believe that children need to grow up feeling loved and secure and like their parents can make everything right again. At some point we all lose that illusion, but IMO five is far too early to have to face it.

Am a bit surprised that most posters have concentrated on whats best for the adults in this situation, with fewer mentions of whats best for the DS. I think the decision over what to do should be underpinned by one thing alone: what is best for the child concerned.

Imagine growing up thinking someone is your Dad, but actually they may not be. Thats surely whats at the heart of this, and its deciding how best to handle this situation that needs resolving for the child concerned especially. I'd say none of us can really say this should just be left for now, the OP would benefit from talking to professionals who can help her decide what to do next, perhaps initially on her own and then with her DH.

Yes Follyfoot, and I think it goes without saying that the child's interests have to be put first - however the OP is unsure of how to approach the subject, whether to approach the 'real' father, etc etc and it is these things we must determine before we talk about what is best for the child. Rushing into contact when NONE of it has been worked out is just asking for trouble.

Hopefully counselling could help address all of these issues.

Don't leave it any longer than you need to. This isn't about you and your OH, it's about your son. There are many reasons why you should be open about this. Practical as well as medical and emotional.

Take a bit of time with it, but remember that the truth will always come out in the end. Even if it's not directly. Children pick up on stuff that is unspoken. You sound as though your OH has a very good bond with your son, essentially he is his Dad, that will see you all through this..

Perhaps you should put yourself in your son's shoes and consider how you would feel if you found something like this out very late in life. You say this is eating away at you... your son will be picking up on this and as he is older he will notice it more.

Better you let people know so you can manage the fallout, than it coming out some other way that you have no control over.

Perhaps plan a date when you will tell him and his other Dad - whether in a week, a month or a year's time? Fortunately things have changed and there is not so much stigma to be brought up by people who are not genetically related to you, it could become something that you and all the people around you can accept.

I'm not saying you've done anything wrong here at all... stuff happens and you do what's right at the time. It may well be the best to leave it until DS is a bit older - but I do think that it is not wise to assume you can keep this a secret for ever.

In my opinion the only person who is suffering is you. Your son is happy with the status quo, he knows no different and shouldn't be burdened with this information that's only going to make him confused and unhappy.