Oh dear god what a mess.

[stonetheroses]

Name changed for this one. I need some sound advice as none of my friends or family know about this situation! Will try not to ramble :-)

When I met dh i got pregnant within a few weeks of seeing him. I was in a very bad place at the time, had just got out of an emotional rollercoaster of a relationship and drank to much etc. Was on the pill but often missed taking them. At the same time I met up with ex a handful of times and ended up sleeping with him. I was very honest with dh at the time saying baby may not be his. He said that's fine, will bring up as his own regardless. He fell head over heels for me very quickly, and I started out liking him but do of course love him dearly now.

Fast forward 5 years. We are happily married with two dc...all is good, he is a lovely husband, great Dad etc. However, now ds 1 is 5 I know dh is not his father as he is the spitting image of my ex. Since discussing it with dh early in the pregnancy it has never been mentioned again. I don't want to bring it up as I am terrified it will break up our family, and grandparents etc would be distraught if they found out. Dh can be hard work to talk to discuss 'uncomfortable' subjects with, another reason I have never raised the subject.

It bugs me though, I think about it all the time. I feel so guilty that ds1 does not know his real Dad, and that one day if he ever finds out he will never forgive me. So should I keep quiet or try to contact ex to let him know about ds1 and see if he wants contact? Ex was a decent guy but we were bad for each other...too irresponsible when together drinking, partying etc. I loved him more than I have ever loved any man and when we broke up it DESTROYED me. It took years to get over, and to be honest I am still not 100% over him. One reason I am not sure contacting him would be a good idea.

Dh is working offshore for a couple of months so he is not around at the moment. Not sure if that is relevant or not!

So what would you do??

My gut feeling is that your DS's (possibly) different genetic inheritance may well come out in the end and it would be more devastating to find out at 16 or 18. Obviously there are are other complications in your case, as you don't know for certain who his biological father is right now, you don't know what your DH thinks or how your ex might react, but do you think it might be helpful to find out how parents of children conceived by sperm donation deal with the subject? Don't do anything drastic without talking to your DH, and I'd say professionals as well.

Oh my God, I am so shocked at the amount of people that seem think it is OK to keep something as important as the young lad's biological father from him (assuming the ex is the father).

OP, your family love your son, why would they love him less because of who his dad is? Are you being really honest with yourself.... is this more about how you think you will be judged?

I would not be able to carry around the burden of such a secret my whole life. It's totally wrong, imo.

I meant to say as well, to your son, your DH would still be his 'real dad' - even if he's not genetically his father, he has done the fathering.

I think you do need to talk to a professional about this. Because the idea of keeping it until your son is older and then sitting him down and telling him is awful - people who have something like this kept from them and then dropped on them usually go nuts. First sort your own feelings out, then talk to your H , after which a DNA test is probably the way forward, then working out a way to tell your DS, because if your H is not is biofather, sooner or later he will find out.

Surely the needs of the child come first? Do you really want him to have to know now that the man he has always thought of as his dad isn't? How damaging would that be for him emotionally at the tender age of 5.

I feel you are being selfish because you have to live with the guilt and it is hard for you.

I say leave it well alone and be happy with your life as it is rather than complicate it.

You could cause no end of psychological damage to your child due to your selfishness.

I think you need to present it to your DH as you would any other co-parenting issue. Make it clear that you know you are both this child's parents, but does he think it is a good idea to have contact with the (possible) biological father? Make sure there is no little fantasy simmering of you and the ex getting together in any shape or form. It is this potential exclusion that could rock the family boat.
At this age I think the only real grounds from your child's point of view would be medical - that there might be something lurkng in ex's family that it would be helpful to know about.

I think to go behind your husbands back, and take any further steps without discussing it with him first could spell the end of your marriage.