what leads men to cheat ?

[edwardsbella]

opportunity,loveless marriage ,sexless marriage?
or are they just programmed to be unfaithfull ?

The same reasons as women I imagine, there are men who would never cheat, even after years of a sexless marriage, there are men who cheat repeatedly when they are getting all the sex they want at home.

People cheat because they are selfish and are only thinking of themselves at that time.
It's simplistic to say it, but the "givers" in relationships generally don't cheat and the "takers" do.

Nothing "leads" them to cheat.

They choose to. Same as women.

IMO, they have low self esteem

For some it is inherent.

I don't think it is just a man thing, some just cannot keep their underwear on.

For some it is about alcohol which to be is a pathetic excuse.

What ellifino said.

definately not a man thing, it's a 'cheaters' thing. Some people would never cheat, some people may cheat once and forever regret it,some people will cheat over and over again!

I think some people, men and women, long for those feelings of lust and excitement that you get at the beginning of a relationship, and are willing to cheat in order to have that thrill again.

Agree with ellifino

What Malificence said.

You started a thread about soul mates and now this one. Why do you want to know all this, OP?

Mostly it's the cult of monogamy - the idea that onlymonogamous relationships are valid or 'real'. Some people are simply not happy being monogmous. Some people seek sex with a new partner because their existing partner is refusing sex. Some peoople are so obsessed with the monogamy cult and the myth of The One/The Soulmate that they are forever running off after the latest passing fancy because that person must be the (next) One and thereforre the previous one is disposable. And of course some people breach monogamy because they like the secrecy or they like the power that hurting an official patner gives them.

WhenwillIfeelnormal - maybe because she wants to know? Is there a moratorium on starting threads these days? Sheesh.

Because they can.
Somehow I don't believe it's the same for women.
Are there figures for % of men/women cheats?

all of the above

Heng there is normally a little give a take between OPs and responders. It's Ok to ask.

For some men I think it's because they can.

I really don't think it's low self-esteem. Look at all the very successful/powerful men who have cheated on their wives.

At the end of the day the only thing that leads a man to cheat is his penis and lack of morals.

I think many of us have experienced the ambivalence which can lead to infidelity. I tend to think of it as fairly usual, but it does depend on what you want from your marriage or relationship - some people are very uncomfortable being committed to one person, perhaps through a lack of their own readiness, their own self development is either stalled or underway, therefore they are still changing in some fundamental ways and cannot support a full time, fully committed relationship with anyone.

This might go some way to explaining it.
Other people have certain parts of themselves (not their body, but their psyche I suppose) rather more set, and thus they are able to take for granted the aspects of commitment that perhaps scare or unsettle the rest of us. I think the marriage which lasts a long time on a faithful basis is perhaps the minority scenario. I don't know.

I think you have to go with what you need, and if you're not ready to promise yourself to another person for ever, it's cruel to marry them because it's pretty inevitable you will want to wander.

The other thing to remember is that monogamy is not natural at all, so it's not very surprising that a lot of people get fed up with it or find they can't do it. It's a social construct predominantly designed to keep women in their place.

I'm not sure how natural it is either. I do feel you have to buy into it big time, to make it work - you need to be that kind of person who feels very comfortable in it. I've discovered I don't - not really. Not yet anyway.

I'm far too obsessed with my own needs and 'what if I want to escape one day'. It's very easy to imagine that won't ever happen but I know it probably will. I'd rather think about now, enjoy the lovely situation with current DP and see how it goes. part of me wants to make sure he never leaves but I don't think that's realistic.

I think there are some people (men and women but especially men) who love the thrill of the chase and the excitment of a new relationship. Probably also a power thing. They will cheat if they get the opportunity whether in a marriage or a long term relationship. They want their egos massaged, and it's a huge ego boost when someone takes an interest in you.

There are other people who are not interested in cheating, per se, think it is a shitty thing to do but, nevertheless, in the course of a long term relationship or marriage they come across one or possibly more people who they develop a strong connection with. It does not necessarily mean that their primary relationship is particularly flawed, it does not mean they are a horrible person. It just happens. Whether they chose to take that other relationship further (emotionally/physically) or even chose to leave the primary partner and move in with the other person depends on their own pysche and their beliefs about fidelity/marriage/monogamy.

Some people believe that serial monogamy is the most honest thing to do if you start to get bored in your primary relationship, and leave a trail of ex-wives, girlfriends and children without a full time parent behind. Other people believe that it is better to keep the family together and have a secondary relationship on the side (the old style mistress/lover scenario) on the basis that, in the end, the secondary relationship may well go the way of the primary relationship. Other people chose to stay in the relationship and do nothing at all about other people who have come into their lives as they could not deal with the guilt of a) splitting up a family b)upsetting the spouse and c) cheating.

I am in the latter camp. I am not a saint, in fact in some ways I am a coward. But I like a nice, quiet life without any drama or upset and do not want to be responsible for other people's distress, even if I myself feel a bit bored. Also, I can take the moral high ground which I wouldn't be able to do if I had indulged in a couple of flings, tempting as that was at the time.

SCGB - I'm not sure about a monogamy myth but there's definitely a romance myth. The idea that one person can 'complete' you definitely leads a lot of people to behave absolutely cruelly. That's also tied in to selfishness though, and the thought that everything should be sacrificed on the altar of such feelings, even if it means abandoning children (who just have to suffer the whims of their idiot parents) in their wake.

In summary OP - five parts selfishness, a pinch of entitlement, and the rest is sheer opportunity (when two selfish idiots collide).

Abedelia: the monogamy myth is that monogamy is better than every other way of conducting one's sex life and this is rubbish: monogamy suits some people and not others. You are right about the romance myth though, all this crap about soulmates and The One leads to a lot of damage. It's the people who believe that monogamy is possible with The One and only monogamy is right who are forever dumping one partner because they have met someone else they fancy.

1. Opportunity - key factor without a doubt. Put a decent looking woman on a plate for a married man and I am adament (and know from experience on various nights out/stag dos) 6 or 7 out of 10 would accept.
2. Wife changing after having kids - why do so many women become so tedious after they have become mums? They change.
3. Booze - not an excuse but a reason.
4. Boredom.
5. Curiousity.

Laziness. I'm pretty convinced about this. They just can't be bothered to put the effort into their relationship because it is easier to get some things - sex, sympathy, understanding, whatever - from a different person.

Goes for men and women.

yeah i think your right there deepheat