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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

given fdh solicitors letter- really nervous

34 replies

bejeezus · 07/05/2011 17:08

dont know what i expect you lot to do- but i'm home alone with the kids and need to unload;

Ive had the letter for about a fortnight- threatening a court order if he doesnt willingly leave the family home (alcoholic, and as is slowly dawning on me-emotionally abusive). I havent given it to him mostly because i wanted to do this amicably and thought he did too. I NEARLY agreed to some ridiculous financial demands from him just to keep it all sweet and speed it along. But he tried to pull some mind game shit last night and Ive had enough. And i've decided we are doing this on my terms after all.

I passed it to him as he was walking out of the door for the evening-so he hasnt read it yet-really nervous what his reaction will be GULP!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 07/05/2011 17:11

Oh dear, sounds horrible, have you got bags packed and paperwork in case you need to leave quickly if he gets nasty?

Have you got the phone number for your local police domestic violence team?

Dozer · 07/05/2011 17:14

You have been really brave, hang in there and don't listen to him if he gets nasty, soon you will have freedom again. Do you have people nearby who are helping to support you?

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/05/2011 17:15

no! didnt even think of all that- which i suppose means there is proably not much danger of it. He hasnt really been violent so much

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 07/05/2011 17:15

Do you have someone who can come and be with you now? What do you think may happen when he reads it? are you in danger?

Dozer · 07/05/2011 17:18

Try to think about who might be able to help, get important papers and stuff together, write down phone numbers etc, just in case. And call someone who can be with you this eve?

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/05/2011 17:18

im pretty confident im not in danger. he has hit me a couple of times in the past but only in response to me starting on him. Shameful I know- but Ive made my peace with that after posting about it last week, and am happy it was a reaction to his abuse rather than abusive on my part

OP posts:
Original poster
bejeezus · 07/05/2011 17:19

i dont know what i think might happen
i cant imagine what his reaction will be
thanks- yeah maybe I should phone some people, just in case eh

OP posts:
giagindi · 07/05/2011 18:08

Yes if he's been violent in the past for whatever reason there's a chance he'll see this as a red rag to a bull; I would call the police to alert them to the fact he's been violent previously, you've given him this letter, and you're scared. Is there someone you can call to come around to be with you and the kids?

tinkgirl · 07/05/2011 18:13

I didn't know that you could get a court order to get him to leave, not unless he had been violent. Have I read this right?

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/05/2011 18:32

yes- an occupation order- his behaviour has been a danger in the past-eg comes in in the early hours and starts to cook, then passes out- ive been woken by smoke on a couple of occassions

OP posts:
jugglingjo · 07/05/2011 18:39

Hi bejeezus,
Sounds like really good advice to think whether you've got a friend or family member who could come over for the evening and offer you all some support.
I'm sure you're doing the right thing with this, both for yourself, and for your DC's.

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/05/2011 18:42

thanks-im not very good at reaching out for that kind of thing-i feel like im being a drama queen

OP posts:
jugglingjo · 07/05/2011 18:45

No, you're really not being !
Even if you're not very good at it usually, now is the time to draw on some sources of support

kingbeat23 · 07/05/2011 18:58

You are not being a drama queen and the police will not think you are either, they will thank yo for giving them more information that will make thier jobs easier if things go down a nasty route.

This is not scaremongering, but, you have said that he has hit you on provacation from you, this could be the big one.

PLEASE get someone with you and inform the police of what is going on. Get your emergency things together that you might need i.e. personal documents that would be dificuly to replace, birth cert, passport, driving license, car insurance docs, photos, tax credit info.....paperwork things more important than clothes imo.

Keep us updated on how things turn oout as will be thinking of you.......good luck, keep your head up, you know you are doing the right thing. I was you in September have since had a little counselling and am feeling better and stronger

Original poster
bejeezus · 07/05/2011 20:17

ok- youve made me think, so Ive packed a bag of essential stuff. Ive a baby so if we did have to run away, Id obviously need all that paraphenalia. Whats the thinking behind passport and birth certificate etc? - is that if you cant ever return to the home- its my bloody house, so I hope to return.

Got a friend coming round to watch a dvd. Kids sleeping in with me.

TBH, I expect he will stay out tonight - ill leave the keys in the back of the door, so he cant get in-hell have to knock then, so ill know he is here

thanks

OP posts:
jugglingjo · 07/05/2011 20:28

Great - glad to hear you've got some friendly company, and MNers have been a help ! Will be thinking of you ... let us know how things go.

jugglingjo · 07/05/2011 20:30

Can your friend stay over by any chance ?

zikes · 07/05/2011 20:45

Having your id will help if you need to open a bank account/access accounts if he cancelled your cards etc, all that sort of thing.

Best to have them with you rather than give him the opportunity to destroy them or hold them over you, as it costs & takes time to replace most of it.

kingbeat23 · 08/05/2011 11:16

How did last night go?

Original poster
bejeezus · 08/05/2011 15:55

it was a complete anti-climax. he came back to talk about it (sober) and he talked, whilst I rapidly lost the will to live. In short, he managed to claim the injured party role-how could I do this and give him a bad record?! he was the 1 that was going to have to leave the family home and leave the kids behind. He likened his use of alcohol to me taking ADs when I had PND with DD1. He 'reminded' me of awful things that I had done to him in the past (which werent true---this is quite common for him- i now understand that this is 'gaslamping'?). He went on and on and on and on.... he is still here today, with a friend round for lunch as if nothing is wrong.

i am back to square 1...feeling guilty and so so so frustrated

the solicitors letter was a bluff...i dont have money to pay any solicitors fees to get an occupation order

thanks for your support last night

OP posts:
jugglingjo · 08/05/2011 16:03

The whole situation sounds very confused to me.
Would you still like to make a fresh start without him ?

mamas12 · 08/05/2011 16:32

You have to take a stand and get serious here otherwise it will get hopeless for you.
Do you have someone to come over today and be with you to help show him the door. You have already involved the sol. by writing the letter, it needs to get out to your wider family and friends now.
His behaviour is unacceptable and everyone needs to get on the same page now.

This will be hard because you have been 'brainwashed' in a way and you see what he sees but you can do it.

Do it today and stop this cycle of abuse now.

Original poster
bejeezus · 08/05/2011 16:52

yeah mamas, youre right, i CAN do this. its so hard Sad

jjo--yes i want him gone. i feel only digust for him

OP posts:
KathyImLost · 08/05/2011 20:17

Don't give up, bejeezus. It's so hard, when they don't take you seriously. You begin to doubt yourself. And you know how much easier it is (in the short term) to just leave things as they are, and do something about it later. But you musn't.

He doesn't respect you. If he had an ounce of respect for you he'd have packed his bags. Imagine if you were on the receiving end of that letter - would you ignore it, pretend nothing had happened, have a friend over for lunch? Of course you wouldn't.

I know you know this already. I'm just telling you so that you don't forget! I really felt for you as I had been in a similar situation myself a few years ago. I didn't have kids then. I can't imagine how much harder that makes everything. But it also means you have even more of a reason to keep at it. Don't let him ignore you like this. Are there any friends you can ask to come round? Maybe he needs to hear it from someone else.

Original poster
bejeezus · 08/05/2011 21:08

thanks Kathy--thats a good way to think about it and to see how abnormal his behaviour really is - of course I'd be gone if I got that letter...i would have left a long long time ago when first asked.

its crazy mad, how distorted my view of what is normal/ acceptable has become. but thtas because I have allowed him to disrespect me for soooo long and have listened to his lame excuses for tooo long. So happy to have woken up to it finally, I feel like I've been holding my breath and Ive just taken my first big gulp of air.

Its really good to hear from people out the other side of it

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