given fdh solicitors letter- really nervous

[bejeezus]

dont know what i expect you lot to do- but i'm home alone with the kids and need to unload;

Ive had the letter for about a fortnight- threatening a court order if he doesnt willingly leave the family home (alcoholic, and as is slowly dawning on me-emotionally abusive). I havent given it to him mostly because i wanted to do this amicably and thought he did too. I NEARLY agreed to some ridiculous financial demands from him just to keep it all sweet and speed it along. But he tried to pull some mind game shit last night and Ive had enough. And i've decided we are doing this on my terms after all.

I passed it to him as he was walking out of the door for the evening-so he hasnt read it yet-really nervous what his reaction will be GULP!

That's exactly it - you forget what normal is.

I remember when I woke up to it. I had a friend come by to visit and they teased me about leaving books in the bathroom to read on the toilet. The truth was I didn't actually read them on the loo, I left the books in there so that I'd have something to read when I locked myself in there later on, when he would be drunk, and shouting through the door. I was about to explain why the books were there when it occurred to me - normal people don't do that.

Looking back, I can see one thing that he relied on was the fact that I am quite a private person and didn't tell anyone (including family) my problems. I just liked everyone to think I was ok, and to not worry about me. It meant he got away with this crap for far longer than he should have.

Anyway, yeh, keep perspective, keep talking. Good luck with it x

"the solicitors letter was a bluff...i dont have money to pay any solicitors fees to get an occupation order"

so he knew that right?
is a dangerous game to play

you need to be calling police/999 when he is passed out or whatever so as to have record of his drunken states

i dont know if he did know it was a bluff- he doesnt know that i cant get legal aid

Ok, throughout mine and XDP relationship i did not call the police as i thought i could handle it myself. and when we split i didnt call them as i thought i could cope and also as i thought they would think i was a bit of a twat then when i went to the solicitors and had a "strongly worded letter" drawn up (just before a non-molestation order was about to be drawn up) i was advised to go to the police, just so that they could know what was going on.

I was continually harrassed by XDP by him coming to the flat at 2am and trying to get in or to my place of work to try to talk to me. I still didn't call th police and still he kept coming and making me live still in wonder when he would turn up.

Then after my 2nd session with a dv educator i took her advice and called the police and told them what i was going through. not only did they listen to me, they didnt make me feel ike an idiot and took what i said on board. they took his number and his address and visited him and called him, then called me back to let me know how it all went. they take all of this very seriously and are trained in this matter. i never thought i would ever go to the police for anything due to my being a radical left-wing protestor in my youth and saw it as "grassing" (not that i am attributing this to you, but showing you my reluctance as to why i didnt report him after he had left my property).

dont be scared, i know what youre going through (or at least a part) and we can hand hold all the way through if you like.

keep me updated

x

Yes it is a bizarre kind of living.
After my ex received the letter (at the house we were both living in) he told be it came as a complete surprise to him! My arse, I was sleeping in another room for 18 months , I was so cowed by it all I only survived by seeing my solictor at the time and them slowly inch by inch climbed out of that existence.
He will tell you that he didn't know how serious it was and yes okay let' go for counselling now yad bloody yada.
After papers were served, he stayed in the house and we never talked except in mediation. Sooo bizaare to talk to someone through a mediator and then travel home in separate cars to the same house and carry on with the kids etc. Unfortunately that lasted a year for me.
Please keep talking to someone in rl about it too, it'll help keep your strength up.

a year?????!!!!!!!!! oh no....jeezus! what made him FINALLY leave? - maybe I can skip straight to that bit.

I do have a couple of friends in RL who I am confiding in. Its great to have them...its so hard to talk about it because I find it soooooo embarrassing. I feel so ashamed to be in this position. Why did I marry him? why have I stayed with him so long? etc etc...lol....I expect you all know exactly what im thinking. Its bizarre how the script/ behaviours/ feelings/patterns are so alike for us all....Ive only discovered this from reading other peoples stories on mumsnet.

I had a really shitty hopeless day today-trying to sort out mortgage and finances and stuff. My head is whirring. I cant keep logical. I am so fuggy. But I have estate agents coming to value the house tomorrow...so that is a practical step in the right direction.

I feel better tonight but looking forward to sleep..
thanks for your support guys..kathy, kingbeat, mamas and the rest of you...I might keep on moaning at you if you dont mind. It helps

gaaarrrrrr...i cant bear it, if it takes a year

if it takes a year, then it takes a year. what is positive is that you are taking steps towards freedom and him out of your house. it won't take tht long as you've already taken the steps needed to get him out and made him realise that you mean business.

moan all you want to, sometimes people that you don't know in rl to moan to make it better, i know without mn i wouldn't be here, i would still think it was all me.

you CAN do this and you know it

It took a year mainly because of all the things you said but also I did it all alone. I didn't really seriously confide in any one person, I didn't think anyone would beleive me or support me because of course he was great and I was crap!
I knew I had to get out of this relationship. I asked him to leave he told me no way, it was his house and if I wanted out of the marriage then get out but leave the dcs.
I only found mn after I moved into my own house (yey) and started counselling etc.
I should have left with the kids and rented somewhere or made him see sense and leave earlier but I didn't have the support or courage, so you have mn and friends so do it quicker!