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Original poster

Grrrrrrrrrr inlaws!

28 replies

Readytoburst · 05/05/2011 21:04

I think I need a rant! Don't feel you need to reply! Dh's parents have just phoned to ask if they can have dd1 next weekend from Friday to Sunday. Whilst I'm happy for her to stay with them I hate that they ask to have her all the time and want her for the entire weekend - the only time we get to spend all together as a family (dh works in London so only sees dds for 45 mins a day).

They annoy the hell out of me. They are always sniping and passing judgement. For example dd1 has had sleep problems since dd2 came along so we reward her with the 'sleep fairy' who brings a small gift if she is good. Their reaction: 'don't agree with that, you shouldn't bribe her to sleep. She should just know it's bedtime'.

Grrrrrrr!

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 05/05/2011 21:16

They sound old fashioned and dated.

Say no not this time, tell them happy for her to have them the day but her dad doesn;t get to see her in the week so you would prefer she did not stay out overnight.

breadandhoney · 05/05/2011 21:21

I'm with fabby. It is more important that you all get to spend time as a family. No reason why the have to have her for the whole weekend.

I also think it is a bit selfish of them to ask for this all the time. It is early days yet, as my DD is only 10m, but I foresee such problems in my future. Nip it in the bud now. Make sure it is on your terms. She is your child. Prob not much you can do about the snippy comments. They are in-laws - comes with the territory!!

Original poster

Readytoburst · 05/05/2011 21:40

They do it all the time! They have her probably one every other month and always try for the whole weekend. Even though I've told them they cannot seem to get it through their thick skulls that our family time is precious! They even said last night that they are looking forward to me giving up bf so they can have my 12wo!! I think not! Dd1 is only 3 btw.

OP posts:

pollyblue · 05/05/2011 22:23

Do they live so far away that it's not worth your dd going for just a day? You need to put your foot down loudly and firmly and compromise (if maintaining a good-ish relationship with them is important to you.) So for example, she goes for just the day, or for one day/one night and comes home the next morning. Actually, as it's your DH's parents, get him to sort it out! No need for you to be the bad guy............But your children, your decision really.

WinkyWinkola · 05/05/2011 22:36

You know, I think you should really ignore what they say. It means nothing. And they can want want want all they like.

You are your dds' parents and your in laws just have to lump what you agree to. And you don't sound at all unreasonable. I am for you about the bfing comment though. Silly prats. As if the best nutrition in the world for babies should be just thrown to the kerb so they can have your baby for the weekend. Pathetic.

It's very important you spend time together as a family at the weekends particularly since your dh isn't around much during the week.

Plan your time together as a family and then see how you can plan time for the grandparents. But most of all ignore what cr*p they come out with. Just respond with, "Oh right. Really? Oh right." and don't mention any issues you're having with your children to them because they are clearly not people to offer support and sympathy.

Original poster

Readytoburst · 05/05/2011 22:54

We always dilute what we tell them as they rarely listen and never understand anything! They live half an hour away! The irony is that they fell out with dh's grandparents for doing exactly what they are doing!

We have caller id so I hardly ever answer the phone to them! Dh is convinced he's adopted! :o

OP posts:

NanaNina · 05/05/2011 23:29

bread and honey - please don't stereotype in-laws. I am referring to your comment "they are in-laws - goes with the territory" I find this rather offensive as a mother, gr/mthr and one of those humans unfit to stalk the earth a MIL!!

We mils/gr prts can't do right for doing wrong. Either it's the pils aren't doing enough, never bother to help out, or they are doing too much, as in this case, and wanting to care for the children. I may be wrong but the Op seems to be saying that the grprts have dd1 a weekend every other month (so I weekend in 8 - I don't call that excessive) I think the most important thing that no one has mentioned is does the child want to go and stay, because if she does, what's the problem. Children have the right to have a relationship with their extended family (especially grandparents) - If she doesn't want to go, then that's an entirely different matter.

Some of you dils are so busy piling in with negative comments about in-laws you don't stop to think of what the child wants.

I certainly think that the 12 week baby is far too young to be spending a weekend away or even a day. And if they live half an hour away, they could of course have the older child for the day, but again does the child want to stay overnight. I can't think she is going to miss out on this precious family time by have 1 weekend in 8 with her g'prts.

I never ever make comments to my dils about how they are bringing up their children and so I don't agree with what they said about the sleeping.

Anyway I hope some of you young mothers remember that in all probability you will be a MIL one day and if you have a dil, let's hope she is more tolerant and kinder in nature than many of you seem to be. OK I am now going to don my hard hat and retreat ...............

myBOYSareBONKERS · 06/05/2011 06:33

My children LOVE going to the grandparents for the weekend and go approx every 6 weeks. I use that time to catch up at home and spend time with my husband and friends.

fivegomadindorset · 06/05/2011 06:53

It's one weekend in 8 FGS, harldy every weekend.

Buda · 06/05/2011 07:03

I don't actually see the problem. If you don't want her to go for the whole weekend just say so! Tell them DH doesn't get to see much of her during the week so a whole weekend is too much but you know she would love to go for one night. And then next time they ask say it again. And the next time they ask say it again. Etc. Then one night will become the norm.

And when your youngest is finished BFing you may well be glad of a night that they take both children! They are not saying you should stop now are they? Just that they are looking forward to having the baby too.

boilingpoint · 06/05/2011 07:11

Yabu... I would jump at the idea, as it is once every 8 weeks! Think of the free time to spend with ur 12wo! Kick back relax and let them take her for the weekend!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2011 07:15

Your H should be speaking to his parents. They certainly do not want to listen to you and are trying to override your wishes. If they also snipe and pass judgement do you not think that one day they will start on your DD in such a manner as well?.

Unfortunately some ILs do want to try and dominate; this is all about power and control ultimately. If this comment is indeed correct, "The irony is that they fell out with dh's grandparents for doing exactly what they are doing!" then they have already set a precedent here and could end up falling out with yourselves (blaming you for it all).

What does your H make of this phone call requesting their granddaughter for the weekend (which is really the only time you have together as a family)?. How is the state of the relationship between him and his parents these days?.

Dozer · 06/05/2011 07:17

I would be v happy if we lived close enough for gps to have our dd1 for even a few hours. Yanbu to not want her to stay for a whole weekend, but yabu (both you and dh) for being so passive/aggressive and bitchy. You decide, just tell them that she can stay for a shorter time, maybe you all then join them for tea or something. Or just say it's not a good weekend this time.

As for the comments about sleep/bf, lots of gps say stuff like this, is annoying but not really a major issue surely? It's nice that they care enough to spend time with their grandkids.

Dozer · 06/05/2011 07:18

Agree with nananina.

Hopefully gransnet will help some gps learn to be as diplomatic and allow them to vent about their kids/in-laws!

purplepidjin · 06/05/2011 07:26

Why can't they have her during the week? She's 3 so doesn't have school to worry about.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2011 07:31

This is about far more though than the relationship with the grandchildren; its also about the relationship with the parents as well. Their actions could well go on to harm the relationship. Inlaws are people after all like son in laws and daughter in laws and like all people out there there are many types in terms of personality. Some ILs are indeed reasonable and emotionally healthy types but equally some can be unreasonable and just want their own way all the time. I am wondering what DHs reaction to their phone call is as this has not been mentioned.

If this comment made by ReadytoBurst is indeed correct, "The irony is that they fell out with dh's grandparents for doing exactly what they are doing!" then they have clearly not learnt anything from last time. Was wondering if that dispute was eventually resolved?.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/05/2011 08:40

I wouldn't have wanted to spend a whole weekend with extended family when I was 3, however fond I was of them. (It was a very long time ago but I do remember a few things!) Regular overnights sounds like a fair compromise. It's great they're keen to have their GCs, but if they push for too much, "Just Say No" - politely but firmly. You are the parents and you not only have a duty to do what is best for your child as you see it, but a right to spend time with your own offspring! Due consideration for others is good, but accommodating unreasonable requests is another. Just as you wouldn't give in to DD if she continually demanded to hug and paw at the baby when it was sleeping. It may stem from love, which you don't want to discourage, but there must be boundaries.

Given their criticism of your parenting you may be forgiven for thinking they will seize the opportunity to correct some of your "mistakes", thus confusing the children and undermining your parenting. Maybe they won't; in small doses it probably doesn't matter if they do.

Original poster

Readytoburst · 06/05/2011 10:01

My inlaws work during the week so couldn't have her then. Its not that I don't want dd to go and stay. I just resent them demanding her for a whole weekend when the offer no support in any other way. There was an occasion in the past when they fil refused to have her unless she could stay the night.

They tend not to follow our ideology. For example gd will tell her that if someone hits her she should hit back - TOTALLY disagree with this attitude. Dd only drinks water or milk yet when she was 2 they tried giving her lemonade! I'm fairly sure they just think I'm snobby.

Dh's parents and grandparents fell out so badly gps launched a nasty custody battle and still hate each other to this day. Our wedding was interesting!

Dd is quite fragile and clingy at the moment and I fear she would think we're getting rid of her to spend time with dd2. Dh gets fed up with them and will probably reiterate that it's our only family time. He tends to say something when they really upset him and lets other stuff slide. The snipes are usually aimed at me.

OP posts:

purplepidjin · 06/05/2011 10:48

Sounds like you need to put your foot down then. Tell them she's struggling to adjust to her new sibling and you'll be taking time to reinforce your family unit. She's obviously not ready to spend time away from you all and they'll have to like it or lump it

purplepidjin · 06/05/2011 10:51

Stay strong - you are mum and you are right

Dozer · 06/05/2011 11:04

They do sound difficult!

My dd1 was exactly the same when her sister arrived, and tbh I still wouldn't leave just her with anyone overnight 8 months on, as she would definitely see it as being sent away.

stream · 06/05/2011 11:10

Only 1 weekend in 8?! I never stayed overnight at my grandparents and my kids have never done it either.

Stick to what you and dh want as a family.

I'd be reminding the inlaws at every opportunity that 'they're turning into their parents'. They sound very entitled and definitely too opinionated!

And when my kids have their own kids, I shall be supporting them in their parental choices, rather than trying to impose my views upon them.

cloudybay24 · 07/05/2011 11:27

I think you're lucky. In 12 yrs my PIL have NEVER rung up and asked to have my DCs to stay - in fact they only see them at our instigation. They are not horrible people, it's just the way they are - however I would love it if they ASKED to have one of my DDs to stay - it would be lovely for DD, nice for them and great for us!

Dozer · 07/05/2011 11:34

Cloudy, why don't you suggest it to them?

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 07/05/2011 11:53

Yanbu, not everyone's wants their kids "taking off their hands", I work full time, if i didn't see my kids at weekends there would be no point in having had them, not all grandparents qre like nana nina... its all about reliving their youth for some, well tough tittys, make like those old ivf grannys if you really want a second chance at motherhood, 3 year olds meed their parents, they can "see" the olds, but they dont need to virtually move in ro have a relationship!

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