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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HELP - DH tantrums but gets away with it

26 replies

Midgeroo · 05/05/2011 16:43

I recently had a big fall out with my dh over something quite trivial (I sorted it out later the same day). He really blew his top, swearing and shouting at me. Our dd1 and dd2 (both preschool) were in the other room and saw everything. I didn?t retaliate because of the kids but he said some awful things and I think he was totally out of order especially on the swearing and shouting in front of the kids.

We were supposed to go out that evening (his friends party) and I?d made all sorts of arrangements but because of this row he told me I wasn?t going but he was.

I know there were probably other issues on his mind that had built up but I am really fed up with his behaviour, this is not the first time this has happened, he seems to keep things inside and they all come out at once. He?s always tired and seems to want to do cleaning or DIY rather than have a day out with the family.

I don?t think this behaviour is acceptable especially around the kids; he?s a grown man with a family of his own, he shouldn?t be having tantrums and sulking??!!

I think one of the problems is that there are no consequences to his actions, don?t speak to me like that or else.. There?s no or else. After a few days he?ll be back to normal but I?m really fed up of this, everybody has their problems but surely you have some level of respect in how you speak to your partner?

Any suggestions on how to deal with this, I?ve looked at counselling but it?s more expensive than I thought. I don?t want to split up but I can?t carry on like this, I especially don?t want the kids witnessing their Dad being aggressive and to their mum!

OP posts:

SueSylvesterforPM · 05/05/2011 16:48

I'm sorry you're goin through this OP

you need to stand you're ground next time he does disrespect you really let rip, he needs to know his behaviour is bad and if he threatens to go tell him the doors there, a lot of the time tantrums are for the attention don't give him the 'no don't go!' .

sorry if thats babble I really annoyed for you.

TechLovingDad · 05/05/2011 16:52

Make sure there are consequences. You can't go to somewhere because he tells you you can't go? Fuck that.

Tell him you won't accept him behaving like that again. The or else is that he gets a letter from your solicitor stating you have received advice on your rights to the marital home. You may not need to go through with it but it will show you are serious about how he behaves towards you.

hairylights · 05/05/2011 17:08

What kind of awful things does he say?

holyShmoley · 05/05/2011 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TechLovingDad · 05/05/2011 17:28

DW has a habit of changing the rules when angry or arguing. Even when I'm in the wrong, which is often, I remind her that if I spoke to her the way she is speaking to me, there would be hell to pay.

EldritchCleavage · 05/05/2011 17:42

What TechLovingDad said.

Also, he can say it, but you don't have to stay and listen to it. On the very odd occasion my DH has overstepped the mark I have told him so very firmly (but not shouting) and then left the room.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/05/2011 18:48

Do you think he blew up on purpose so he would have an excuse not to take you to the party?

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 19:48

does he often "tell" you what you can and cannot do ?

and you actually pay attention ?

what makes him your keeper ?

if he shouted and swore at a stranger in the street he would be arrested ...why does he think it's ok to do it to his wife ?

and why do you ?

do you want your children to grow up thinking it's ok too ?

los of questions there, but tbh, I would be questioning whether I would be staying and exposing my dc to an absolute twat like this

KathyImLost · 05/05/2011 19:58

I was thinking the same as Anniegetyourgun - are you sure this wasn't an excuse to not take you to the party? It's just my ex used to do this. He was cheating on me. I could be barking up the wrong tree, of course...

ENormaSnob · 05/05/2011 20:19

I was thinking maybe he didn't want you at the party?

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 20:26

yes, norma, juvenile people will often engineer an argument to get what they want

massive row, OP cows down to his "you are not attending this party"

he attends alone

why is that ???

Original poster

Midgeroo · 06/05/2011 10:48

Thank you for your comments, lots of good idea's!

I didn't want to retalliate because the kids were there and when I have done in the past (when the kids weren't there) he's walked off into another room, ignored me, slammed doors or even faced up to me.

He never threatens to leave, I've told him if your not happy then go, I've even suggested he goes and stays in a hotel for a couple of days/week if he needs a break but that didn't happen.

I don't think he did it coz of the party, he was really annoyed and didn't want to be around me and needed to let off steam.

He doesn't tell me what to do but I think he's a bit resentful, exhausted and I have wondered if maybe a bit depressed.

His job is really demanding as there is only him responsible and he doesn't want to suggest getting help in case this puts his job at risk. He is looking for another job but there is nothing out there.

He does a lot around the house, cleaning, DIY, gets the kids ready and takes them to nursery etc.

We both work full time, similar hours. I've offered to help with the kids but he say's no he's ok, I could probably do more around the house, he does hoovering and dusting and I do the washing, bath the kids, kids meals etc so it's probably about 60/40 or 70/30 in his favour of who does the most at home.

I am thinking about getting in touch with a solicitor just to find out where I stand as I don't necessary feel I would get the house but I really don't want it to get that far.

Someone also suggested posting a thread and showing him the replies...

I would just like him to talk about what's bothering him and try to work it out but when we've tried it ends up in an argument and I won't argue because I don't want the kids to wake up and hear us arguing...

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 06/05/2011 11:07

you both work full tiem so get a cleaner to do a once week going over hoovering etc of whole house.

the party thing is a classic anecdote in the lundy bancroft book

why does he do that?
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
you might want to get it and read. it sounds like ther eis more going on to this.

read the book. see if he is inthere - or not. it will give you some clarity. if you dont consider him ctorntrolling or abusive then this will help you confirm that - but it may also give you some insight into his behaviour

what can you do?
set some boundaries - what is /is not acceptable behaviour in front of DC - sit when calm andbth agree.

depressed/stressed? up to himt o seek help. you can support but you cannot do it for him . he needs other outlets for his stress.

dont suggest he goes away - tell him he has to go away if he feels so bad - he needs a break . - or leave yourself for few days with DC.

some of the things you say scarily similar to my exP. espec " seems to want to do cleaning or DIY rather than have a day out with the family. "

it's avoidance - he doesnt want to face up to his repsonsibilites/enjoy his family but makes a pretence of doing great things for you all eg DIY/cleaning. DC will grow up remmebering distant dad who never went out with them. think of the childhood memories you want DC to have - lots of new shelves and a beautifully tidy house - or great family days out with dad and mum?

Mouseface · 06/05/2011 11:09

Hmm......

Engineering arguments. How familiar. My XP used to do this. A lot. Turned out he didn't want me to go out with him so that he could be 'single' for the night.

I'm not saying that your DH is doing this Midgeroo, infact, I think there is more to this than simply not wanting you there, although I'm not sure what.

Sorry, I'm not helping much but I hope that you can get to the bottom of his behaviour. He's bang out of order for behaving like this, never mind in front of the DCs.

I agree with Tech too. Shoe on the other foot and all that.

Mouseface · 06/05/2011 11:12

Midgeroo - what cestla says makes sense, and now I've read it, I would agree with the avoidance thing......

Original poster

Midgeroo · 06/05/2011 11:31

cestlavielife - I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

I've said to him before about avoiding spending time with the family and he did suggest some days out ideas but then he wants to have a lye in and by the time he gets up its dinner time and after dinner the kids are tired and its too late for a day out!

As you have said I want my kids to have great childhood memories, I know I have and want them to have the same.

Life's too short to spend your weekends cleaning. I'd rather have a bit of an untidy house but happy health kids and family life.

Just a bit worried that similar experinces that have been posted refer to the exP, really hope we can work it out...

Going to check out that book too, thanks for the tip.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 06/05/2011 11:38

well, he isnt going to change unless he really wants to.

maybe only a sharp realisation eg you leaving him alone for a week or more will really shock him into action.

he has kids - you dont get lie ins - unless you both agree and you each take turns. my exP used to take naps - and thereby making us late for parties/events etc. he would faff about and we would reach the park at 5 pm - missing the best part of afternoon. all the time . etc etcetc. it is a pattern -and by recognising it you can decide what you can do about it....

Original poster

Midgeroo · 06/05/2011 12:21

I feel as though I need a sharp realisation to sort it out.

I agree, you have kids so you don't get a lie in.

We have took it in turns to have a lie in, I'm an early bird anyway so I don't really lie in very long but he may still have a nap in the afternoon when it isn't his turn if he feels tired as well as a lie in the next day.

If he's not had a nap and we go anywhere he can be grumpy and if the kids kick off, he kick's off too and say's he's not putting up with this and wants to go home, it's like having 3 kids! Id rather he didn't come then walking on eggshells. But then I think it's his duty to come as it's his family.

We're still not really talking since the argument, just being civil but I'm not sure if he thinks we're all ok!!

See what happens over the weekend eh!

Thanks for all your help and suggestions.

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 06/05/2011 12:35

Any relationship where you feel like your partner is another child is not good for you, nevermind when you already have children ! If you are seriously considering talking to a solicitor then you are disengaged from the relationship. I think this is a good thing from what you've said about your h he sounds like he has too.

I think life is too short to be spending it with someone who really doesn't seem to care about your happiness.

When me and dp give each other a lie in it really only lasts till 8.30 ! An extra hour in bed and a cup of tea is heaven if you're used to getting up, he sounds very selfish to me.

cestlavielife · 06/05/2011 14:45

do you spend time around other families?

do you go for picnics and stuff with other families where you see both parents equally involved and happy? or hear of other families who go off for weekends and just enjoy being around each other? it does happen.

you need to - see other families where there is no walking on eggshells. sure there may be odd grumps/moans - but it is vastly different from that sense of an extra child to deal with....

Original poster

Midgeroo · 06/05/2011 15:26

No, not really.

I know of other families going out etc and they have a good time. We do have good days out and sometimes it's easier/better if your with another family because the kids play with each other and there's more adults to watch each others kids.

I do think we need to get out more but sometimes after working all week your knackered!

Don't know whether to go out together or go out without DH to give us both a break but then all the kids will remember is going out with mum and dad stayed in and I don't really want that.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 06/05/2011 16:11

what about dad taking the kids out on his own sometimes ?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/05/2011 21:44

Living with this knob sounds absolutely grim. He's making the whole family and household revolve around his moods and his whims. I think it owuld be a very good idea to get the information on your rights to the marital home so at least you know what to do if his behaviour doesn;t improve.

QueenofWhatever · 07/05/2011 15:57

'Don't know whether to go out together or go out without DH to give us both a break but then all the kids will remember is going out with mum and dad stayed in and I don't really want that.'

What the kids will remember is the endless tension and lack of love and respect.

All sounds very familiar as my ex was very like this. Another vote for the Lundy Bancroft book.

solarian · 08/05/2011 14:58

Hmm... this sounds very similar to my DH

He behaves well in front of other people, only tantrums when he wants to be left alone all day to "recover from his anger" Engineers a fight when he wants me to look after DD without involving him, i.e. a day off

DH has been behaving very well for most of a year now but has suddenly relapsed and has been periodically acting up for the past 3 weeks. Gets angry over small things. We could have a support group?

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