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Original poster

How often is "normal"?

55 replies

greenmachine · 05/05/2011 15:28

my Dh and I are in our 30's and have been married 13 years and have 2 young children. Our sex life has always been, so I thought, Ok. We manage it once a week to once a fortnight. -sometimes more often. My husband seems to think this isnt enough and our relationship isnt normal!! I think he would like it to be like as it was in our "baby making days"!!- but that isnt going to happen!!

He tries it on with me most nights and gets grumpy when I say no and just want to go to sleep! He says he often feels rejected. because of this.

Does this sound normal in a healthy relationship to you?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 05/05/2011 15:45

What is normal? Every relationship is different, if you were to ask me what I think normal is I'd say twice a week.

amberlight · 05/05/2011 15:47

There is no normal. Research shows that each couple finds out what works for them. Might be once a year to once a day, and anything between those points.

Him getting grumpy about it is the worst possible thing he could do, to be honest. If you are tired out from a young family, of course you're not feeling like leaping about at night much. What can he do to lessen the load and make you feel more like you have the time and space to feel sexy again? That might be a lot more positive than being grumpy. he needs to understand that most people with a young family go through this and it has nothing to do with being rejected at all.

mimiholls · 05/05/2011 15:57

Think about it if it were the other way round- and he was refusing sex with you most nights. You would feel seriously rejected. Feeling desirable and wanted is very important in a relationship- no less so for men than women. I think you should make more of an effort to have sex more regularly and find a happy medium between your different levels of desire. It's usually fun once you get into it, even if you aren't feeling it at first.

mimiholls · 05/05/2011 15:58

I'm sure there are things he could do to help make it more appealing for you too :-)

Karbea · 05/05/2011 16:04

I know I'm maybe weird but I find it very odd the way people talk about sex, it often sounds like a chore... OH and I have sex pretty much every night, the norm is we do, and it's an exeption if we don't. We don't swing from the light fittings very often, it's often more a very intimate cuddle, when we wake up or go to sleep.
I guess I think it's weird peoples starting position is they don't and then only do if the conditions are right.
Why not start by saying/having sex everyday, and don't maybe once a week?

LisamumtoJake · 05/05/2011 16:07

For us it's a couple of times a week 3-4 other weeks, it depends on both our moods really?! I don't think there is a normal as such?! But do agree that couples have to make an effort on each side and also understand when that other isn't in the mood :)

gawdblimey · 05/05/2011 16:43

been married since the middle ages and for us its about once a week

Original poster
greenmachine · 05/05/2011 16:58

Ohh, it looks as though I should make more effort, but most of the time I just cant be bothered!!
Sometimes I can understand why he gets grumpy , and as mimiholls pointed out, yes I would feel seriously rejected if it was the other way round.

He is quite affectionate with me, attractive and helps out round the house.
-I just dont know what is going wrong!!! He even tells me after sex that he feels closer to me.

He tells me he feels pushed and we should try harder which seems to only annoy me.I even told him good things come to those who wait!!

OP posts:
AttillaTheMum · 05/05/2011 17:35

It depends on your life / sex drive / how well you get on.

Him being grumpy will not help as you will not want to even more!

Each couple will find a 'norm' and also go through peaks and troughs.

BestNameEver · 05/05/2011 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

michymommy · 05/05/2011 21:12

It isn't normal because one person isn't happy... If both of you were happy then thats normal... Me and my now ex used to have sex almost everyday and it was great but when we started having problems I didn't want it at all and he often said he felt rejected... But that was when everything was coming to an end... I think if he's not happy with your sex life and obviously your not quite sure whats what... Then you should try to see a sex therapist sounds radical but a bad sex life can lead to break ups and infidelity in the best of relationships good luck xx

Maybeitsbecause · 05/05/2011 21:15

I have very bad PMT and completely go off sex for about 10 days a month (just before and during my period). DH accepts it now that he understands. We compensate by having sex more often at other times of the month. So, we might go a fortnight with no sex at all, and then hve sex 4 or 5 times in a week. That's what works for us. There is no 'normal'.

mimiholls · 06/05/2011 10:06

I do find it a little worrying that you say you can't be bothered, when this is something that is an issue for him. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but this is big for him and it is making him unhappy. As michymommy says, things like this can lead to breakups and infidelity in the best of relationships. Relate do great sex therapy courses, it may sound extreme, but it could really help. This is your marriage, it takes work, and that includes on the sex!

Original poster
greenmachine · 06/05/2011 11:53

Its not that I cant be bothered really, just most of the time its nice to get into bed and go to sleep!!- Im just not always in the "mood".
We do have a good relationship and i'd prob think that seeing a therapist is a bit extreme.
He was a bit "sulky" with me last night. When I asked him what was wrong he wouldnt say. He eventually told me and I hit the roof. He said he feels rejected. that just annoyed me as we had sex twice last week!! I just feel like he pesters me for it all the time and that just puts me off!

OP posts:
alwaysfeelingthestrain · 06/05/2011 11:57

the problem is the more you have sex the more they want it Confused

maandpa · 06/05/2011 11:59

Been married 9 years. Once a week here too.

LaCerbiatta · 06/05/2011 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

bbird1 · 06/05/2011 12:59

Tell him to go have a wank ffs. If you're tired your tired. He sounds like a pain in the arse.

amberlight · 06/05/2011 12:59

Thinking about it, surely the men who are constantly pressuring a tired partner for sex are ignoring their partner's needs too and rejecting those same needs? Sex should never feel like a burden, a task to get out of the way, or a weapon to be used against someone to make them feel guilty. It should be a shared joy, something to really look forward to.

bbird1 · 06/05/2011 13:11

Plus there is nothing - and I mean nothing - more guaranteed to turn you off than some idiot pestering you for sex

Helltotheno · 06/05/2011 13:16

'I just feel like he pesters me for it all the time and that just puts me off!'

Being pestered for sex is just the unsexiest thing in the world. And to the person who said start by having sex every night (!) and work from there, y'know it's great that that works for you but I would go absolutely ballistic if I had to be held to ransom like that, it would be like bloody prison! I know for me sex has always been more about quality than quantity and because of that, I worked hard to find someone with a relatively average to low libido cos tbh constant nagging for it would be a dealbreaker for me. Getting into a routine of having to do something every day just bores me witless, but that's me, I don't want to speak for everyone else. I guess our number averages out at once a week but it's either a feast or a famine cos we both have busy lives and sex is something we like to fit in when we have a decent bit of downtime.

Another thing is that we both have lots of passionate interests outside family-related stuff, and outside each other too - that keeps the whole sex thing in perspective. I can remember with previous BFs, ones with no hobbies etc were more likely to be fixated on the whole 'regular sex' imperative...

tugamommy plenty of people do it once a week, hell I know two couples who barely ever do it all and they have the happiest and most enviable family life of anyone I know! I'm not anti-sex here, I'm just saying, just like eating, drinking, anything else, it has to be kept in perspective and in the case of the OP, the problem is more his than hers. They already have a decent sex life, he needs to move out of this mindframe that he can't survive without shagging someone five times a week...

julienoshoes · 06/05/2011 13:47

We've been living together for 31 years and now have sex about 5 times a week. HOWEVER when I was pregnant/children were small, it was much less often as I was simply knackered! Dh was really good about this and didn't pester but seems to be very happy that it is now more often.

bbird1 · 06/05/2011 13:52

5 times a week after 31 years??? doesnt it get a bit boring?

MaryMungo · 06/05/2011 13:56

Have you ever given it a try when not in the mood? I find I'm almost never randomly "up for it", but if I work at it for five minutes, it does get the hormones flowing! It doesn't interfere with sleep that much, as it's a red letter day when it lasts more than fifteen minutes. A packet of these and a discrete bin next to the bed, and I can just roll over and go to sleep. It's not very Mills and Boon, but it certainly works....

Helltotheno · 06/05/2011 13:57

Gawd.. my idea of hell!! But hey...great for you!
Apart from anything else, my hoo haa gets a bit sore if it doesn't get a break now and then!