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Relationships

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Original poster

How often is "normal"?

55 replies

greenmachine · 05/05/2011 15:28

my Dh and I are in our 30's and have been married 13 years and have 2 young children. Our sex life has always been, so I thought, Ok. We manage it once a week to once a fortnight. -sometimes more often. My husband seems to think this isnt enough and our relationship isnt normal!! I think he would like it to be like as it was in our "baby making days"!!- but that isnt going to happen!!

He tries it on with me most nights and gets grumpy when I say no and just want to go to sleep! He says he often feels rejected. because of this.

Does this sound normal in a healthy relationship to you?

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 06/05/2011 14:09

That last was in reference to julienoshoes saying she's had sex five nights a week for 31 years. Btw congrats on being together that long!

Re having sex when not in the mood, I guess it has to happen a lot doesn't it? Being a mammal, I'm wired to be horny when I ovulate and maybe pre-period, so the rest of the time yes, a little effort is called for.

Original poster

greenmachine · 06/05/2011 15:23

yes, I have tried it when i'm not in the mood and it usually turns out ok!!
It seems that there is no normal, just different for each and everyone of us.

I think 5 times a week is too much, even by DH standards!! surely it must become monotonous?

OP posts:

interregnum · 06/05/2011 15:35

What is your bin seperated from Mary, a whole range of bins for different
discarded toiletries ?

MaryMungo · 06/05/2011 15:43

I think the normal state ought to be one of mutual trust and honesty: I trust my husband not to pester me after I say "No, I don't want to", my husband trusts me not to say no just because it's slightly easier than saying yes.

Sometimes I think people put too much emphasis on sex in a relationship. It's just another way of showing affection- not like fine china, to be put away for "best.". I don't always expect my DH to say yes when I ask him to make me a cuppa, but I'd begin to wonder if he always said no. DH doesn't expect me to always make his lunches, but he'd be right to find out if there was a problem if I suddenly stopped.

This of course doesn't go for women with genuine physical or emotional issues. It's more a philosophy for women like me- one day I realised the main reason I was saying no was I disliked being sticky, and I couldn't be arsed to take a shower at 11 o'clock at night. So I came up with an alternative. The important thing is to be honest with yourself over why you're saying no.

MaryMungo · 06/05/2011 15:49

But of course. I'm already sorting rubbish into five bins- I feel it's only a matter of time before they start making me sort out the sanitary waste as well, and I should get in the habit now

Original poster

greenmachine · 06/05/2011 15:53

there is no real reason why I say no, only that sleep is on my mind!- as appose to him slobbering over me!

OP posts:

berries · 06/05/2011 17:16

I was the one with the higher libido who felt very rejected. In the end I stopped asking. H also couldn't be bothered and after 5 years of a sexless marriage I left. Differing libido isn't 'his' problem if your in a relationship, it's a problem for both of you, same as if you had different ideas on finances, parenting or socialising. For me, it was always a way of showing love, caring and intimacy and without it my marriage became lacklustre. You need to talk to your dh, ask how you can show affection and cuddles without sex, but also put some effort in, make him feel loved without the sex.

Helltotheno · 06/05/2011 17:51

'You need to talk to your dh, ask how you can show affection and cuddles without sex'

But in general the answer to that question from men looking for a lot of sex is more sex, ie they don't want to be shown affection and cuddles on their own, they just want sex, isn't that the actual problem?

Yes differing libido is a prob for both parties for sure, but am I totally wrong in thinking this guy already has quite a good sex life! Sex is not a guaranteed thing in life and we can all actually live without it, although we don't want to. No point in putting it in the same category as food and drink etc because it's not (a requisite to survival that is). Maybe he should stop focussing so obsessively on what he sees as a vital need.

TheOriginalFAB · 06/05/2011 17:59

Normal is what suits both of you.

MaryMungo · 06/05/2011 18:03

The thing is, once you're in a monogamous relationship and no longer need to worry about disease, I don't really see sex as being in a separate category to affection and cuddles, again barring concrete physical/emotional problems. If there are underlying issues, they need dealing with in a forthright manner, even if it's just saying "You know, nights don't work for me, try asking in the morning".

A frequent sex life isn't necessary to a good relationship, but a mutually agreeable sex life is. When a true difference in libido exists, it's going to take a lot of communication and a little give and take so that neither party feels rejected or put upon.

MaryMungo · 06/05/2011 18:10

This is assuming an otherwise healthy relationship, of course. If there's a power/control undercurrent going on, that's an entirely different kettle of fish....

SardineQueen · 06/05/2011 18:24

Normal is whatever a couple feel happy with.

Frequency can go up and down during the course of a lifetime together. Sometimes it's lots, sometimes it's less. That's normal too.

I think that having very young children (as I have) is knackering and less sex is understandable. Not least as we used to like a morning session and now we are woken by the kids so that's out!!!

DH would like more but understands that there is a reason (small children/knackered), that it doesn't mean I don't love/fancy him, that I would like to feel up for it more than I do , and importantly that as time passes we will start having more sex again.

A "x times a week no matter what" approach seems a bit mechanical and doesn't take into account life, IYSWIM.

LuckyWeKeptTheCot · 06/05/2011 18:29

Sometimes we have lots, sometimes not for ages. I am usually more up for it at night and can usually wake him up with some judicious undercover work. But he is keener to nip one in in the morning before the kids wake up which is at about 7am. But if your husband says he feels closer after sex maybe what he's really saying is he misses you and how you both were before the exhaustion of kids. It is important to remember your relationship with him and what that means to both of you too. But it can take a bit more effort when you're at the young family stage.

julienoshoes · 06/05/2011 18:56

Helltotheno I said it wasn't always that often! When I was pregnant and when the children were small and I was totally shattered it was a lot less often!
But the kids are grown now and we have time to enjoy ourselves.....

but yes 31 years and still enjoying life together!

FreakOfNature · 06/05/2011 19:08

GM, are you on the pill? I could have written your post 2 years ago, then after talking to some friends about contraception I decided to get a copper coil and ditch hormones altogether - I've never looked back! I felt a lot better in myself, difficult to describe the change really but it also made a difference to my sexual desire. We have 2 small boys age 3 and 4, DH also has a very stressful job which often leaves me parenting alone, but if he suggests sex I can usually be persuaded Frequency varies for us due to DH being away a lot but the difference now is I look forward to it and want it, it's never a chore.

I would also suggest getting your iron and ferritin levels checked, mine were surprisingly low despite a good diet. This can also contribute to the 'can't be arsed' feeling.

SardineQueen · 06/05/2011 19:11

Can't you just talk to him and explain how you feel, and that it's not forever? See what he says and take it from there?

I have taken to telling DH when I feel frisky, even though usually it's times when it's impossible to have sex, to reassure him that I still do fancy it/him, just that at the moment it's difficult. When sex is confined to bedtime, and I am worn out and like early nights at the best of times, it's not surprising it doesn't happen as often as pre DC when you could take the opportunity whenever you felt like it IYSWIM. I think he finds it a combo of reassuring and frustrating! But at least he knows that we'll get there in the end, I haven't entirely lost my libido, it's just a small children/tiredness/change of circs thing.

googoomama · 06/05/2011 21:51

I used to hardly have sex at all. Then I got divorced :)

Morloth · 07/05/2011 13:08

You just need to talk about it, lots and lots, reassure him that you do fancy him, it is just that you are tired tired tired and let him know if there is anything he can do about that.

DH are just coming back to ourselves now DS2 is 13 months and the baby stuff is starting to ease up.

We just tell each other what we need from the other at any given time. Clearly and often, no guessing, no sulking etc.

We are tending towards peaks and troughs at the moment, nothing for weeks and then 3 or 4 times a day for a couple of days. Just depends on where we both are at any given time.

Absolutely do not have sex if you don't want to, he won't die, but do tell him that you are not rejecting him, that it is physical tiredness and that you want to want to.

chubsasaurus · 08/05/2011 16:02

I'm with Karbea. Usually twice a day but sometimes if either of us is very tired, stressed or ill then not for a few days. DP never pushes but I don't think I've ever said no in the years we've been together - it's always good so why not.

Maybeitsbecause · 08/05/2011 16:09

Twice a day? Christ. Do you work? How many kids do you have? Even if the will was there I couldn't fit him in that often

amberlight · 08/05/2011 16:24

www.iub.edu/~kinsey/resources/FAQ.html is a reasonable source of real data on the huge variety of answers to 'how often is normal' or similar questions with a table on there called "frequency of sex" and showing the results per age group and relationship status.

balia · 08/05/2011 16:32

I think being tired, young kids, naturally low sex drive etc is one thing, very valid - as is feeling less in the mood because you feel 'pestered' - but if my DH described my advances/love-making as 'slobbering all over' him I'd be LIVID.And then devastated. Are you sure there are no underlying issues here? Because basically you sound as if you don't even like him.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 08/05/2011 16:37

This thread interests me! I think the same. We are in our mid 20's abd been married 3 years and it's about twice a month! We are just soo tired all the time abd on different body clocks. I think we just except it and don't make an effort. I would like it more, especially as we are ttc our 1st child. I doubt at this rate we will have our baby before were 30! Abd that makes me very sad

chubsasaurus · 08/05/2011 16:48

No kids, he's an academic I work in politics. It used to be 4 or 5 when I was briefly unemployed... :)

ohboob · 08/05/2011 16:54

For those doing it once a day or more, don't you get a really sore fanjo? If not, why the hell not?

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