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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling so petty about 'helpful' older relative

52 replies

ellifino · 05/05/2011 12:08

We currently have an older relative staying with us for an extended time. Maybe even years. She has nowhere else to go (and, dare I say it, isn't looking very hard for alternatives).

She is extremely helpful, doing housework, cleaning, helping with the kids, that sort of thing. I don't ask her to help and am forever asking her not to.

Ungrateful cow that I am, she drives me bloody MAD. She criticises me constantly. She argues with my way of doing everything. Even when I have occasionally had to say "I understand that you want to do this differently but ultimately it is my decision and I want to do it THIS way, so that's what we are going to do" she still argues bloody murder that her way is better. And always about such petty things that I reflect afterwards and decide that I need to chill a bit and let it wash over me.

She is old and worried about her security and set in her ways and also simply a bossy personality. I DO regularly have stern chats with myself and try to give her as much slack as I possibly can.

But still, she would try the patience of a saint.

And so, to the point!

If ever I make any little errors in the house (leave the door unlocked or don't quite close the fridge properly or forget to put the butter back in the fridge) she is SO delighted to gleefully point out my mistakes. She crows about it, shakes her head sadly, tuts and bloody loves it. The thing is, batty old gimmer that she is, she is ALWAYS bloody leaving doors open and putting the sugar in the freezer and the remote controls in the fridge and (more worryingly) leaving bleach in the children's bathrooms or the high window open. I just fix whatever she has done and don't mention it. But then when she comes crowing to me about something I've done wrong it makes me want to ROAR.

Is there any possible tactful way of saying "I don't point out your many hundreds of senior moments you bossy old biddy, so could you perhaps not be quite so gleeful in pointing out mine?"

OP posts:
DuplicitousBitch · 05/05/2011 12:12

this is the stuff of nightmares!

DuplicitousBitch · 05/05/2011 12:12

why are you stuck with her?

AxisofEvil · 05/05/2011 12:15

I'd be hurrying up the search for alternative accomodation. Urgently.

RudeEnglishLady · 05/05/2011 12:16

"I don't point out your many hundreds of senior moments you bossy old biddy, so could you perhaps not be quite so gleeful in pointing out mine?"

Just say that and see what happens. Whats the worst thing that could happen? She moves out? I think it would clear the air and show her that you mean business. You are obviously a very kind person to allow her to live with you so I don't think you'll go to hell for this.

Beamur · 05/05/2011 12:20

If it's annoying you already this is going to get worse unless you can sort it out.
Too many cooks and all that, she is used to doing things her way and I'd guess is unlikely to change now, but this is your home too.
You either need to lay out some sound ground rules and decide which bits you can live with, or help her with finding somewhere else.
Some friends of mine tried living in an extended family group with an older relative and it was a complete disaster, to the extent that they no longer even speak. Small irritations over time caused major ructions.

ellifino · 05/05/2011 12:28

The thing is, it is not ALL bad, and sometimes we have a couple of weeks where it is all quite pleasant and cordial (usually after she has done something REALLY annoying like hoover DH's train sets and suck up and destroy all the little men who block the hoover which has not been the same since. This despite being asked told not to ever ever touch the train sets - she does something horribly annoying and then keeps her head down for a couple of weeks).

And she doesn't mean to be so annoying. She means to help.

It is not remotely ideal for any of us, but we muddle along and we mostly cope.

Venting on here is nice!

But this particular issue of her pointing out any mistakes I make I am really struggling with. I don't want to get to the point where I viciously snap at her. How can I gently tell her to give me a bit of slack, as I do for her?

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 05/05/2011 12:32

Leaving bleach in the childrens bathrooms and high windows open is endangering your children in a way that your errors dont though, she is actually a liability and I would have no hesitation pointing this out to her.

If this is going to be a long term stay you really do need to clear the air and stand up to her. Bossy people do it because they get away with it. Don't let her. Standing up to people comes easy after a little bit of practice.

Beamur · 05/05/2011 12:32

Maybe you've just answered your own question.
She sounds nice and well meaning, but pick your moment and say you really appreciate what she does and having her around, but one thing is niggling (the criticism thing) and you would like a bit of slack. Simples. (In theory).
Venting most theraputic sometimes Grin

AxisofEvil · 05/05/2011 12:32

Well presumably this is your home which you pay for and she does not. As such it is perfectly reasonable for you to be treated with respect and to tell her so. You could always explain how difficult this is becoming for you and that if you're all going to keep living under the same roof, she need to consider more how she speaks. But say something or you will explode.

Dropdeadfred · 05/05/2011 12:37

I would sit down with her and clearly but gently tell her that whilst you know you are far from perfect, you are doing your best to run a busy household, look after your dc, and have welcomed her into your home too - her pointing out every little mistake you make is irritating at best and at worst hurtful from someone that you are helping out in such a massive way.

Shallishanti · 05/05/2011 12:43

next time she points something out, ideally something she herself has done, or similar, say
'oh yes, how silly of me, d'you know, I noticed you did the same thing the other day too!'
obv won't work for real health and safety issues tho but may make the point?

ellifino · 05/05/2011 12:43

Also, language is an issue. Subtlety won't work. I need to be concise and clear.

If I take her aside and calmly mention it out of the blue she will shout me down "YES, YES, YES I KNOW I KNOW" the whole time I am talking. Then she will sulk furiously for two days. And won't really 'get' what I meant. She probably won't accept that she makes mistakes. And she will probably think I mean that I don't make mistakes so will be even keener to point them out.

Earlier today she came grinning in to the kitchen, sighed dramatically and said "I couldn't BELIEVE that you went out and left the fridge open yesterday. WIDE OPEN! All of the food will spoil . . We must all remember that the fridge MUST be closed. It is important.

I just said oh right, and wandered off.

I was thinking "maybe it wasn't me? There are 4 other people living in the house you know. Or maybe it was me and I was racing around after the children and forgot. And what's more YOU left the fridge door open this morning AND yesterday afternoon and it just didn't occur to me to berate you for it. People make mistakes and so what? Just close the fridge door and move on, like I did for you".

But if I said she had done it too it would sound like I was making it up. "Yeah, I know you are but what am i?" sort of nonsense.

If I said it was probably the children she would turn that into me not watching them properly. "Children need our attention and parenting" apparently.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 05/05/2011 12:46

Can I ask what the understanding was when she first came to stay? I mean, did you both acknowledge it was for the long haul or discuss how things went and decide later if it was working?

In other words, does she feel she has an entirely free pass for life in your home, regardless of how she behaves?

SarkyLady · 05/05/2011 12:50

Can you find some time consuming but dull jobs to keep her busy and feeling appreciated.

Do you gave a garden?

ellifino · 05/05/2011 12:51

Erm... she sort of moved in before it was discussed. I remember suggesting that we give it 3 months and then see how we're all finding it but she assured me that it would be absolutely fine Hmm.

I am a bit of a doormat.

We have had a couple of blow-outs where I have said she needs to move out but she sort of argues and doesn't go. And then things are okay for a while.

She knows I won't throw her out and make her homeless. She doesn't have an income. The deal is that she will move out as soon as she finds something more suitable...

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 05/05/2011 12:52

Nope, I absolutely could not tolerate this at all.

You are helping someone by having them LIVE with you, and they feel its okay to openly criticise and demean you, then throw a sulk if things don't go her way?

Do you have a halo?

ENormaSnob · 05/05/2011 12:53

x posts and just read your latest post.

She is taking the piss and you are letting her.

Get her out.

TheSmallClanger · 05/05/2011 12:57

I don't mean to be alarmist, but the sugar in the freezer and bleach in kids' room would make me question her health a bit. Has she always been like this - I know you said she was bossy - or has her personality changed recently?

TotorosOcarina · 05/05/2011 12:57

Sorry, I don't understand why YOU aren't activly trying to find her somewhere to go!

Have you contacted any of the old people services? If she has no income and is elderly surely she is entitled to council/ sheltered accomodation?

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 05/05/2011 12:57

If you want to be firm and look her in the eye and say "That is unacceptable. You are a guest in my home. Please respect that." every time.

And "Stop it."

and "If you aren't happy here, then you have the option of leaving."

oh, and you do know she won't go anywhere, don't you?

how old is she? old enough for a council residential home? In your shoes, I'd start making calls.

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 13:03

She sounds bored to me...can you help her get a hobby or involve her in some club or charity work?

What about delegating ONE or two areas of housework which are hers alone? Gardening? Laundry? Re rganising some cupboards?

QuintessentialPains · 05/05/2011 13:11

She is never going to look for somewhere to live. YOU need to do this for her.
Tell her "Look, we have all tried to live together for a few months now, but it is not working out for me, and we will now be actively looking into housing options for you. "

Just tell her.

You are responsible for your children's health and safety, but not hers.

Technoprisoners · 05/05/2011 13:17

She sounds passive-aggressive. You can't live with it and need to find a way to bide your time until she can move out. It is very difficult to have it out with this kind of person without you ending up being in the wrong somehow. You cannot lose your temper with her but neither is talking reasonably to her likely to work either. She's not going to change. And it is YOUR HOME. Try to by-pass the issues at home and do something active about actually moving her on.

Does she have no other close relatives to take on some of the burden/help make decisions?

(In a very very similar situation msyelf - I could scream sometimes with frustration, but in my case it's my mother and the stakes are that much higher.)

RudeEnglishLady · 05/05/2011 13:21

Oh you poor thing.

Idea! Send her to another relative for a bit, during this time reclaim your house and get some housing options together, if you are lucky she might decide to stay at the other place. If she returns you have reclaimed your space and can start afresh with how its going to be/rules and also have a deadline for when she takes another housing option. She's got a bit comfy IMO.

Think of your poor kids if not yourself... can you imagine the naggings they will get as they get older and start dressing like goths or being cheeky or whatever. Its their right to go through phases and have their house to themselves with you, surely?

ellifino · 05/05/2011 13:22

I did have a chat with her once and point out that she was a guest in my home, and that I found it very difficult to have someone arguing and criticising me all the time about the way I run things in MY home.

She looked utterly crestfallen and said that she didn't think of herself as a guest - she is family and as such wants to help in every way to keep our family house nice and the family well. Or something along those lines.

I have got really angry about the washing in the past and said "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE WASHING MACHINE UNLESS IT IS TO WASH YOUR OWN CLOTHES" but... I dunno, she always argues for longer than I can be bothered to and ends up doing whatever she wants to do anyway. I don't really do arguing - I just passively aggressively say "fine you do whatever you want to do then and completely ignore what I want" and she takes that at face value and does and is then surprised when I am simmering with resentment two weeks later.

See? I am crap at this too. I am well aware it is not a black and white case of her being annoying and me being put upon.

All my white towels are grey. She runs the machine with just two things on it. She can'r bare for there to be dirty washing so she does it as soon as anyone takes anything off. She doesn't really have an understanding of how much it costs, or HOW ANNOYING SHE IS!!! Gin

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