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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling so petty about 'helpful' older relative

52 replies

ellifino · 05/05/2011 12:08

We currently have an older relative staying with us for an extended time. Maybe even years. She has nowhere else to go (and, dare I say it, isn't looking very hard for alternatives).

She is extremely helpful, doing housework, cleaning, helping with the kids, that sort of thing. I don't ask her to help and am forever asking her not to.

Ungrateful cow that I am, she drives me bloody MAD. She criticises me constantly. She argues with my way of doing everything. Even when I have occasionally had to say "I understand that you want to do this differently but ultimately it is my decision and I want to do it THIS way, so that's what we are going to do" she still argues bloody murder that her way is better. And always about such petty things that I reflect afterwards and decide that I need to chill a bit and let it wash over me.

She is old and worried about her security and set in her ways and also simply a bossy personality. I DO regularly have stern chats with myself and try to give her as much slack as I possibly can.

But still, she would try the patience of a saint.

And so, to the point!

If ever I make any little errors in the house (leave the door unlocked or don't quite close the fridge properly or forget to put the butter back in the fridge) she is SO delighted to gleefully point out my mistakes. She crows about it, shakes her head sadly, tuts and bloody loves it. The thing is, batty old gimmer that she is, she is ALWAYS bloody leaving doors open and putting the sugar in the freezer and the remote controls in the fridge and (more worryingly) leaving bleach in the children's bathrooms or the high window open. I just fix whatever she has done and don't mention it. But then when she comes crowing to me about something I've done wrong it makes me want to ROAR.

Is there any possible tactful way of saying "I don't point out your many hundreds of senior moments you bossy old biddy, so could you perhaps not be quite so gleeful in pointing out mine?"

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 05/05/2011 13:23

Isn't she paying board?

ellifino · 05/05/2011 13:30

No, but money isn't really an issue. She doesn't cost much.

OP posts:
TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 13:31

My God...call the council! See about getting her into sheltered housing.

QuintessentialPains · 05/05/2011 13:31

Are you the only person she can stay with?
Is there no other family member who can take her in?

Dropdeadfred · 05/05/2011 13:33

why does she not have any income? where is her pension?

thumbwitch · 05/05/2011 13:37

Was going to suggest you charge her rent, actually. She sounds like a flipping nightmare and you do sound like a bit of a softy sap, I'm sorry to say.

Tell her how annoying she is. Explain to her that she is trespassing heavily upon your good nature but that your patience is running out. Tell her that if she thinks your household is run so badly, she's free to go and run her own elsewhere - but she is NOT going to tell you how to run yours!

You have to develop a backbone fast and lay down some ground rules if she is gonig to stay in your house any longer (which actually, I wouldn't countenance).
Find the details of some B&Bs she can stay in. Or, if she's short of money and on benefits, serve her with an eviction notice so that the Council have to house her (although that sounds a bit harsh, it can actually work in her favour as well as yours)

But whatever you do - stop lying down and taking her shit!

madonnawhore · 05/05/2011 13:44

There are loads of options that mean you won't have to live this way any more but I don't believe you'll choose any of them because you like being a martyr.

There's no way I would put up with that in my home for more than a month, max.

Do you have a DP? If so, what do they think?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2011 14:05

ellifino,

Who exactly is this relative of yours; is this on your side of the family or your man's side?. Regardless of who it is she has no right to take the michael as is happening now. The bad times are far outweighing any cordial moments here.

Re your comment:-
"I am a bit of a doormat"

No kidding Sherlock!. You are a doormat who is letting herself be completely walked over. She has no intention of moving out. No one set a leaving date when she arrived either.

If she is consistently doing things like putting sugar in the fridge, leaving high windows open or leaving bleach in the childrens bathrooms has it actually occured to you that she could be now in the early stages of dementia?. She's forgetting an awful lot here.

Why was she apparantly allowed to move in without discussion?. Letting such a person in without ground rules or discussion was just going to end in disaster anyway as has been proven.

She has to go and as soon as possible. She owes the other four people within that house that much.

ellifino · 05/05/2011 14:12

You are all sort of right, but it is more complicated than that. Isn't it always?

It's a cultural issue. We can't throw her out. The only way she will leave is if there is a 'better' alternative. Or when it is someone else's turn.

And she really doesn't mean to be so annoying. And I do myself no favours by being such a doormat.

And she really does help me out a lot. I mean, I was managing fine before she arrived, but I do have more free time now she is here. She is not all bad. She loves the children.

She only left bleach in the bathroom once.

It's silly petty things that wind me up.

I feel better for having a moan.

I wasn't really asking for solutions to the big picture. I shouldn't have side-tracked into it all.

It is the specific criticisms of my mistakes that caused me to post in a flurry or irritation at the start of the thread. And now I've had a general moan I feel calmer about that too.

Next time I shall say something like "okay, I made a mistake, but you make mistakes too and I don't run to tell you about it. Yesterday you [xxxxx] and I didn't nag you about it. We are both doing our best, and this will be easier if we work together instead of pointing out each other's mistakes".

How does that sound?

OP posts:
DuplicitousBitch · 05/05/2011 14:13

a simple 'shut it' should suffice

thumbwitch · 05/05/2011 14:20

Nah, you sound a bit whiny. "but you did it too/started it" type of thing.

Take ownership of your house. Just say that you leave the fridge door open (who does that?) and she says something to you about it - it's YOUR fridge so why should she care? "my fridge, not your problem" is a more succinct way of dealing with it.

Take control of the situation - but if your cultural situation means that you have to show deference to this elder relative as well, then you're screwed, sorry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2011 15:20

ellifino,

Re your comments:-
"It's a cultural issue. We can't throw her out. The only way she will leave is if there is a 'better' alternative. Or when it is someone else's turn"

Who is this relation of yours; how is she related to you?. Cultural reasons actually don't come into it when it comes to freeloaders, she is freeloading off you. You have every right to demand a leaving date from her, you also state she is not actively looking for any alternative accommodation. As long as she is staying with you currently no other relatives will have to take her, it will never be someone else's (within the family) turn because they probably cannot abide this woman. You could end up having her live with you for the next 5-10 years at this rate!.

"And she really doesn't mean to be so annoying".
Hmmm. Does she act like this when your man is around?.
What does he think?.

"And I do myself no favours by being such a doormat".
Indeed.

"And she really does help me out a lot. I mean, I was managing fine before she arrived, but I do have more free time now she is here. She is not all bad. She loves the children".

Downplaying the situation as you are doing above helps no-one least of all you. Do the children actually like her as much, they probably find her annoying or embarrassing. Its okay to say to her it is not working out, you need a leaving date from her.

Icelollycraving · 05/05/2011 15:40

I don't understand how you have got lumbered,you are too soft.
You need to say next time ' this is not working,we need to look at alternatives for your living arrangements' & mean it. Don't do the you did this or that,it just looks whiney.

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 15:41

So what about the hobby? or putting her in charge of specific things?

DuplicitousBitch · 05/05/2011 15:44

god you are a tough crowd. i can imagine how this happens. i think it is good that ellifino does not want to chuck an elderly relative on the street and is polite to her.

it is a horrible situation but i think blaming ellifino is shitty

thumbwitch · 05/05/2011 16:01

DuplicitousBitch - what advice would you give the OP then?

KittyChat · 05/05/2011 16:46

It sounds utterly awful :(

From the sound of it, you have mentioned things she has done a number of times. Could you up the ante and mention every single little thing? Constantly? Might that hammer it home?

Good luck...

PS - your DH plays with train sets?!

ellifino · 05/05/2011 16:54

Lol I know Kitty! Here's me carping on about a stubborn, argumentative old woman ruining my house when all the time the REAL issue is that my husband never quite grew up Grin.

Ahh bless him. It IS odd but it's harmless. He's very artistic. He would DIE if most people found out Grin

OP posts:
TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 17:19

God nobody ever notices ANYTHING I write....

[strops off]

How rude.

ellifino · 05/05/2011 17:25

Oh pish Mumapillar. I have ignored 90% of the posters on this thread. Well, not ignored, but not responded personally to.

You have a most excellent username by the way.

She is in charge of specific things but as I said earlier she doesn;t take any notice. I have banned her from touching the washing machine but she uses it anyway.

Hobby... well, she has church. But I can't really impose a hobby on a woman twice my age who has not seen fit to take one up before now. What sort of thing did you have in mind?

OP posts:
DuplicitousBitch · 05/05/2011 17:29

i suggest arsenic in her tea

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 18:00

Humph.

Grin
Beamur · 06/05/2011 14:35

ellifino - I am touched by your kindness and gentleness with this woman and applaud you for the generosity you are showing her, many people do not support their elderly relatives because it is hard to do sometimes.
I suspect you are right though in thinking that confronting her doesn't always help as she's not really listening and you're asking her to change deeply ingrained habits!
Perhaps you do need to find ways of being a bit more assertive though about the things that wind you up, its not the same as being rude.
Or alternatively, change some things - for instance, I got rid of my pale towels as the kids made them all mucky, but now am contemplating changing my navy towels as the kids spot creams (adolescents now) have bleached patches in them! For things like the fridge being left open, you can get alarms that go off if doors are left open - or when you buy a new fridge, get one with a built in alarm (mine beeps if left open for a couple of minutes). This would avoid the fridge being left open.

holyShmoley · 06/05/2011 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 06/05/2011 18:01

I don't think tactful will work, based on what you've said. Neither will passive-aggressive responses, nor hints.

You need a clear, unambiguous response that you keep repeating every time she does it. I suggest:

" Thank you for drawing that to my attention. I will deal with my household issues as I see fit".

And just say the same thing over and over again, especially if she keeps going on.

If the situation continues, you could add " Perhaps you would prefer to live elsewhere as you are clearly unhappy with my household arrangements".

Getting angry about it won't help, nor will attempting to reason with her, just try to detach from what must seem like heavy-duty personal criticism when you already feel backed into a corner. I admire your patience , but you do need to be assertive about how you will run your household. And, as other posters have said, if she's doing very odd/forgetful things do keep an eye out for signs of dementia as this may be something you need professional help with.

In the meantime, could you give her a household task to run that doesn't involve any potential danger? Feather duster round each room every day, or replacing clean sheets on her/ DC's beds?