Support after relationship problems

[everyonebutme]

Have been posting and lurking on Recovery After An Affair thread and can relate to so many of the feelings people are saying they have. It's also given me a lot of hope for the future and that's all I can do at the moment.

My story is that our relationship had reached rock bottom over the last few years. I was harbouring a lot of resentment over something and we had become like brother and sister and not really talking to each other properly. At the end of February I had confirmation from DH that he had been seeing someone else. He says it was not an affair. It was a friend that he bumped in to and they saw each other and emailed each other without me knowing during the course of last year and this year. He apparently was helping her with a separation she was going through and she was helping him with his depression (and his marriage problems). I used to have a lot of jealousy and insecurity problems about him having female friends which is why he said he couldn't tell me about this. Last autumn I tried to have a conversation with him about our marriage and about how we need to work on things and he said he didn't know if he wanted to. This was obviously when he was seeing her.

Since he told me things have really improved between us (I can almost say things have never been better) and he has told me he has emailed her to say he can't see her again (I did initially say he could see her if he was open about it - I was trying to be grown up about DH having female friends). I have been through a roller coaster of emotions. The first few weeks I couldn't eat or sleep and cried a lot. Now I'm trying to be normal but underneath there is still a lot of anger. DH won't talk about it anymore and just wants to get on with our lives.

When I'm on my own I think about it a lot and get angry with the deception. Recently I texted him to say 'maybe next time you think you have marriage problems you could talk to your wife instead of having an affair'. He replied saying 'I did not have an affair. I did try to talk to my wife. I did try to make things better but she wasn't interested'. Perhaps I shouldn't have sent that text (I was just going through a down moment) but I really wanted him to say 'yes he would talk to me in future'. Obviously I'm still worried about things even though things are so much better. I'm just hoping that things will continue and I can get over the deception which has really knocked me confidence.

Think I could do with some perspective from WWIFN if she's around! Seems like what happened with OW was all my fault.

He has had some kind of emotional affair by the sounds of things and lied to you for a long time, now he says he won't talk about it anymore That's a major problem, because you are in no way ready to move on from this yet, and who could blame you.

The major resentment you say you held for a long time leading up to this ea sounds like it hasn't been dealt with either, has it?

Thanks perfumedlife. I have called it an emotional affair too. I think we need to discuss boundaries. We have moved on from the initial resentment and the latest developments have made us sort a lot of things out but I still think about it a lot and am having problems dealing with it.

Things have just got really bad again. Just had a stroppy call from him saying it was all my fault as I never trusted him so he had to meet up with her in secret. (Reason for stroppy call was because I asked him what he was doing in the garage!) He says I'll never forgive or forget and will never trust him. Feel so down again just when I thought we were back on track.

Do you mean he was calling her from the garage??? Whatever - if he's still doing it of course you can't trust him, because he can't be trusted.
This is an emotional affair and it isn't right for him to be doing it.

No I don't believe that he was calling her - he was picking up some tools. (He has told me it is all over.) It was just that I asked him (stupidly) what he was doing and he has got cross with all the checking and me asking him things.

Why is it stupid for you to be asking him and checking what he's doing? He betrayed your trust and has to earn it again. You have every right to question him IMO and he should be understanding that not making you feel bad for asking.

Did you see the email he sent her telling her it was over? Think you should do.

No I didn't. He insists it was just an old friend and I shouldn't be unreasonable about him having female friends.

Right well I will tell you this from the perspective of being the OW in this kind of "friendship". And I'm not proud of being involved in this kind if thing before I get flamed for it.
When the OM who was emailing me did so in the context of a friendship, it was far more intimate than anything I have ever discussed with anyone before (including my DH). I'm not saying this is the case here but I know in my situation OM told his wife I was just a friend and we were just chatting. He lied. Your DH may be telling the truth, he may not. But if he's got nothing to hide then he will be fine with you knowing won't he?
Sorry if any of this sounds harsh but I now have been on the other side of the fence so to speak and I think your DH needs to be honest with you.

Thanks for your thoughts omg. I agree I used to be a jealous type of person and suspicious of other females at the start of our relationship (16 years ago) which is why he's always stopped such friendships I just don't think we really ever discussed the boundaries and also I never met any of his female friends. When he 'bumped' into her our marriage was at rock bottom. I also know she's an 'ex'.

Yes I was an ex too. To be honest your posts are like the flip side of my story. Only my OM didn't have depression or marriage problems (that he told me about) but I was deciding if I should leave my DH at the time.
I could be wrong and just making assumptions but if you have a feeling about this, go with it. My DH has never had any female friends, I would have been jealous if he had. Do you have male friends then? Would that be okay if you did?
I really think you should see any correspondence, I can understand you don't want to make a fuss. But this is your marriage and your life, it's worth making a fuss over.

Omg thanks so much for replying. I'm just finding it so hard at the moment and feeling this situation is all my fault. Are you and your DH OK now?

My DH seems to think I'm unusual in not being a little suspicious of female friendships - am I? I don't know if there is any correspondence or if it's all been deleted. It also seems that any fuss I make just makes things worse.

You're welcome. If I can help anyone on here in return for the help I've had I'm happy to do so.
How are me and DH? Too soon to tell. It's all a mess tbh (my post is called "do I confess"). DH doesn't know, OM turned out to be a total sod and I'm still in bits over it all. Only been a few weeks.
Anyhow back to you. Well seems to me you'd feel insecure if there was something to be insecure about? You're not some naive teenager, you've been married years so you shouldn't feel like you can't question your DH. I think you need to talk ASAP with him. Or maybe you should talk to her? I've made the decision not to tell my OMs wife, but if she contacted me I would tell her everything honestly. I have huge amounts of guilt over what I did to another woman and contrary to popular opinion OW aren't always heartless marriage wreckers.
It could all be honest and above board in which case your DH should be able to reassure you and help you with this. After all you would if the situation was reversed wouldn't you?

Hello everyonebutme
I am so sorry things are so hard for you and I totally understand how you feel (see my recent thread - we could almost be the same person!) my DH has also been contacting female friends from the past and 'helping' them with their marrital problems - I wish they would concentrate on their own marriage! The fact that my DH has now put a password on his PC is really making me wonder, but like you I am trying to be grown up about this and not jump to conclusions, but my hurt and resentment are always there in my stomach and I am not sure if we can ever get passed this and the fact that he says he doesn't know if he still loves me. At least your DH seems to want to try. We are going to RELATE, perhaps that would work for you? Good luck you are not alone!!

You talk a lot of sense omg and I hope you sort out your own problems. (have looked at your post now). Not sure about talking to her - wasn't there a thread recently about this saying you shouldn't? Of course, if the situation was reversed I would do everything I could to reassure DH.

9stone - I don't think I've seen your thread (what's the link?). Not sure if counselling would help (even if I could get DH) to go. He did say a few weeks ago we could work things out by ourselves.

I did get a 'sorry' last night when he came home so maybe he was just having a bad day. I don't know.....

Just seen your thread OP.

You say you had it confirmed by your H that he was "seeing someone else" and had a secret relationship with another woman for what sounds like 18 months - and yet he won't agree it was an affair?

Sorry, he is being extremely manipulative here and worse still, is putting the blame on to your jealousy - and now, your perfectly understandable mistrust.

Emotional infidelity is characterised by three things. Secrecy, physical chemistry and when the friend knew more about your marriage than you knew about their friendship. All 3 boxes are well and truly ticked in your case. If your H needs convincing that he had an affair, get him to read Not Just Friends, where the above definition comes from. Moreover, it might interest your H to know that his actions are grounds for divorce, since secret "friendships" are held to be unreasonable behaviour. I'm telling you all this so that you don't start to question yourself about your perfectly reasonable disquiet and mistrust.

It doesn't surprise me that while this affair was going on, your H said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to work on your marriage, but I am puzzled about why you accepted this and it took from this conversation in the autumn until February to discover that an OW was indeed involved?

Also, if your H is trying to claim the autumn conversation that you initiated about the problems in your marriage, as evidence that he had tried to resolve things, this is also disingenuous and highly manipulative. These conversations happen a lot during affairs, but they count for absolutely nothing because the biggest obstacle to the marriage getting better and recovering is being kept secret.

You won't get past this until your H stops minimising what he has done and stops trying to manipulate you. A third party like a counsellor would have no trouble seeing this as an affair and sometimes (like on here) just having someone else telling it how it is can force someone out of their denial and stop you feeling like you are going mad.

I am not ignoring the marriage problems you say you had before all this, but having a secret affair is just about the worst remedy for marital discord and is in fact the most passive-aggressive way of expressing dissatisfaction. Your H chose to do that and he needs to take responsibility for that choice. All the time he was in a relationship with this woman, he was sabotaging your marriage but you didn't know it.

In effect, he is still sabotaging your marriage, but in a very manipulative way so that he is trying to paint this as your fault for being jealous, unreasonable and mistrusting.

In terms of communication, stop texting eachother and consider counselling to get through this. While you're waiting for that, read Not Just Friends together, because you really aren't on the same page about what happened here.

Just noticed that you say your H is reluctant to go to counselling and thinks you can work things out by yourselves.

Again, this is a commonplace stance by manipulative people, mainly because they know damned well that any counsellor worth their salt would see through their lies and obfuscation.

Thanks for your response WWIFN. Maybe I should take some of the blame. He would say that he had tried with our marriage for a long time and I had rejected him constantly. The thing is I want to move on now and get things back on track. Am not sure he wants to though. Counselling might be a problem due to time (lack of childcare and work) and money even if he wanted to.

You might well be to blame for some of the difficulties in your marriage, but I strongly doubt that this was one-sided. However, you are never responsible for someone's choice to have a secret affair. He is 100% responsible for that behaviour and it is crucial that you see the difference between responsibility for a relationship, which is joint - and responsibility for infidelity, which is entirely personal.

I'm sorry you feel he might not want to save the marriage and that you don't feel counselling is possible. Don't lose sight of the choices you can make in all this - you don't have to be passive at all. It sounds to me though that your H has done quite a number on you, so that you blame yourself for his choices and even for feeling aggrieved once those choices were exposed. You're selling yourself very short here.

I keep thinking it's easier to be passive than do or say anything. If I do then things just escalate and he says things like 'you're never going to forgive or forget this'. So if I just carry on and pretend it never happened and don't say anything we can be 'normal'. And I really do want to try and save the marriage and hope that we can come through it a stronger couple.

Yes, but what your husband is doing is extremely manipulative. If every time you express your perfectly reasonable hurt and disquiet, he blows up and puts the blame back on to you for feeling this way, then perhaps eventually you'll shut up. There's a huge pay-off for him behaving like this and it sounds like you're playing your role in his game very well. Hence you will retreat to being passive, while silently grieving and seething until you send yet another text, or unravel when he visits the shed or garage.

Your H appears to have learnt precisely nothing from his infidelity, so there will be no taboos in place the next time a dumsel in distress comes calling and needs help. You won't ask any difficult questions either, because he will turn it against you and accuse you of jealousy, paranoia and "not being able to forgive and forget". I can tell you his script right now - I bet he rolls his eyes a lot, sighs like an injured victim and says "Oh no, not this again!" so that you feel that you are the villain of the piece.

You are being manipulated, but you have a choice not to be. If you remain passive and don't take back some control and some choices, your marriage will be ruined anyway. Your husband needs to face up to what he did and take responsibility for it, but it seems you need a third party to reinforce this truth, because your husband seems to enact all the power in your relationship.

However you do this, I would move heaven and earth to get yourselves to a good counsellor, who will observe what's happening here.

Now he says I'm trying too hard to make the marriage work and he wants things to just evolve naturally????

Just want to put the children to bed so I can have a good cry.

He says he wants it to work out but is not sure too much damage over too long a time has been done for it to survive :-(