Feel ill due to contact with ex

[OhWesternWind]

Hi everyone - I have been a bit of a regular on here since my ex left me and the two children back in January. It's been over three months now and we are building a happy life without him.

The problems come when we have to have dealings with him. For various reasons, including a history of violence and emotional abuse/neglect, the children want no contact with him whatsoever. However, he keeps pestering us for contact by e-mail, text, phone, any way. Some nights he will phone four or five times, others he doesn't bother at all. Over Easter, dd was very brave and when he called her whilst she was on holiday at my mum's (yes, he wouldn't even give them a break whilst they were away) she actually spoke to him for the first time in months and told him to leave them (the children) alone and that they wanted nothing to do with him. Since then it went quiet for a few days but he is back now starting it all again. For example, he sent me an e-mail yesterday, then texted to tell me to answer it, then sent it again, then e-mailed again and then called me on my mobile. It really wears me down and literally makes me feel sick and ill. My heart rate goes up and I can feel myself getting stressed and upset as soon as I see his name/number or hear his voice. The children react very badly when he has been in touch and it really affects them.

I have been in touch with the police about him and we have been assessed as being at medium risk from him, but no-one from the police has been in touch again since to sort out a plan, and this is over a fortnight ago now that they rang to tell me our risk level. Doesn't feel like we are a priority at all.

I have not allowed him access since the extent of his history with the children has become clear and also since he pushed my daughter whilst he was supposed to be looking after her after he had left home. My solicitor has advised not to allow access but now he is threatening to take me to court but also (at the same time) is trying to get me to go to mediation. I don't want to go to mediation because a) my solicitor advises it isn't appropriate for this sort of case and b) I am shit scared of having to face him. He has denied everything I have said to his mother, who now knows the full story, and also has denied it to me when I said I had stopped contact because he pushed dd. Don't want to go to court either. Aargh.

Also, he wants to come round next week and collect the last of his stuff. He is being really arsey about when he will turn up - I've told him the time he's proposing isn't convenient but he says he will turn up then as he doesn't have the van at another time. Basically I think this is just a back door way of trying to see the children.

I just feel so so sick at the thought of having to see him. Even if I see his number on my phone or e-mail or hear his voice on the answerphone I literally feel sick and ill. I am such a coward as I cannot bear to face him. I am a bit scared of him but also I feel like I am not strong enough emotionally to sit there and listen to his lies and have him hassle me about access etc.

I am not sure how to move on and deal with this. I just want him gone, and so do the children. We just want nothing to do with him ever. It really affects both the children very badly when they have contact with him and I am the same too although I do not show it to the children, in fact we rarely talk about him unless circumstances force it.

Whilst I have been writing this he has just sent me two more e-mails about access/mediation.

Not sure what I'm asking for really, maybe just a bit of sympathy and some advice how I can learn to deal with this situation. Thanks!

Hello, that sounds dreadful. I have no prior experience of this situation but didnt want to leave this unanswered as you must feel awful.

Contact women's aid - I'm sure they'll be a good source of experienced advice and support. Someone else will come and make a better answer I'm sure.

Hi REL - I have been in contact with women's aid a couple of weeks ago and tbh they were not much use as we are already split up and they said that as this is a historic matter then they can't be much help. She was very nice and listened to me but I did feel I was in the wrong place!

Oh God you poor thing
Is he a narcissistic personality type? If so there are guidelines on dealing with him re access which I will try to find for you.
How easy is it to change your email etc?

Thats not so good, I would have thought that the ongoing harrassment is current enough, no? Maybe go back to the DV people at the police? Hopefully harrassment can be dealt with fairly straightforwardly as long as you have the mails and sms.
Have you got anyone reasonably local who can take the DCs when he comes round for the last of his stuff and also maybe another bod to be in the house when he's there in case he tries any funny business?
I have no clue on the legal stuff about the access, but getting his visit over would probably bring you some relief as he wouldn'y have that excuse anymore to hang about.
It sounds really crap - I'd babysit your kids for an hour if you were my friend or work colleague. I'm sure someone will.

change your email
change your mobile number

You could change your email address and change your phone number.

Keep a log of ALL the times he contacts you (emails, texts etc etc). Keep any email and texts that are abusive. Keep responses to the minimum.

Go back to the police and demand action - tell them that he is harrassing / stalking you and that it is making you feel unsafe, and that you are concerned for the well-being of your children.

Talk to your solicitor about any restriction orders that might be appropriate to go for.

As for his stuff, let him collect it - all of it, so he has no excuse to come back - but make sure the children are out (with family/friend/at school etc) and make sure that you have a friend present for you, to be witness/moral support. Then make sure that you change the locks.

Also contact Women's Aid for support - they may be able to put you in touch with a domestic violence outreach service in your area who are likely to be able to offer practical support and advice.

You are doing well with all of this - well done for escaping this abusive man - but you now need to put boundaries around it all that are SAFE and secure.

Best wishes.

Get back on to the police and tell them that he's harrassing you and you're frightened of what he may do. Also, arrange for his stuff to be taken around to his mother's house so he doesn't come to yours. If he does take you to court, I think CAFCASS will get involved and they will take the children's wishes into account.

Just saw that you have already spoken to women's aid. Sorry to hear that they were not much help. I think that woman's attitude was wrong - it's not historic, he is still being a threat to you and you definately fall within the remit of domestic violence services. Try them again - speak to a different person and explain that you still are being harrassed by him and that the police are not taking effective action. Don't give up - sometimes you have to push to get the right help from the police and services.

You need only one form of contact from him.

Choose which is best for you and stick to it, if it is email then change your phone numbers, if it is by mobile/text only then change your email address.

Advise him that he is only to contact you via email/phone and that any other form of contact will be ignored.

Get tough, get strong.

Tell him that you are arranging for someone else to be at the house when he collects his stuff as you and the children will be out.

Alternatively, pack it up and drop it at your parents and tell him to collect it from there.

GET TOUGH. This man cannot hurt you, 999 is there for a reason.

Also, once he has picked his stuff up, get your solicitor to write to him to say that any future communication MUST be via the solicitor and not directly to you, and that if he goes to the house the police will be called...then change phone number/email. And phone the police if he comes to the house.

You can have a police marker put on your house so that they are instantly alerted that this is an address with DV issues - please look into this.

mediation......your sol is correct,mediation is not taken if there has been violence. see a solicitor for a free half hour

this does need to be dealt with via court. dont be scared!!!

how old are the children?

forgot to say. i got my ex out of our lives completely through court. its not easy,butn my ex unravelled in the court arena and did end up showing his true colours

is hhe paying maintenence?.

When I split from my childrens father 16 years ago I shit myself every time the door went, it was 6 months and two injunctions later that he got over it and himself and it became amicable, we now get on great even if I don't particularly like him.

Sorry, I should have said I can't change my e-mail and mobile as it's a works phone and he he e-mails me on my works e-mail. I will definitely look into changing my landline - sounds stupid but I did not think of doing this before! My head is all over the place. I will look at it straight away.

It's a good idea to have someone in the house when he comes for his stuff. I will send the children round to a neighbour's whilst he is here as the last thing they need is to have to see him. I have been naughty and actually changed one of the locks already so he cannot get into the house beyond the utility room, as I was really worried. I have asked him for the keys several time and he will not give them back until I have completed buying him out. I don't know what to do about his stuff - he has been round once before supposedly to collect all his stuff but he only took a couple of boxes and just drove away when I told him he had to take it all.

Does this count as harrassment? I am not sure what is and what isn't. Sorry if I sound a bit clueless but this is all a bit overwhelming and I tend to think of "harrassment" as being a lot worse than what he is doing. But it is having a real effect on us.

I am not sure if he is a narcissistic personality type but there are for certain (documented) MH issues there. The guidelines would be really useful though, thanks.

Thanks for your advice and help, all of you.

Try this for starters. Can you block his email address? And would your work be sympathetic?
RL help is essential, so mass the troops as much as you can.

You may not be able to change your email/mobile, but you don't have to answer calls/emails to a given address once you've told him how to communicate.

Like Fabbychic says, it will get better over time.

Check the key situation with your solicitor - not sure if it's okay to change and/or put a deadbolt in place.

Harassment is a pattern, so definitely keep a record. If he repeatedly keeps trying to contact you when you've asked him not to (and once you're being reasonable eg, you have said he can email you at a particular address, and you do reply where appropriate), it can add up to harassment.

You should be able to block emails received from him though and should do so.

Then all he can do is text your mobile.

When you ring to change your landline tell them you are getting nuisance calls at 2am, say you don't know who they are from but it is scaring you, they should change it within 15 minutes for free.

You need to sort the finances out as legally he is allowed to enter the property when he wants to if it is in joint names.

Thanks again - Fabby I feel just like you did. Every time the phone goes or I get a text my heart sinks in case it is him. Most of the time of course it isn't and I am really fed up with myself for being such a wimp and giving him this power but I really can't help it at the moment and I don't know how to deal with it.

I think I am actually scared to stand up to him and tell him stuff he will not want to hear eg that I won't go to mediation, arrangements for contacting me. I know that what you are all saying about getting tough makes sense but I just don't feel up to it. I think if I stand up to him something awful (what? I don't know) will happen. Contact through the solicitor sounds a good idea though. I guess am hoping that some how this will alll sort itself out without me havign to get tough but realistically I know it won't. I am fed up with myself as I have come a long way and done a lot of things I didn't think I could but now I am crumbling like a big girly wimp.

He has only hit me once, more with the children.

He is paying maintenance. Children are 9 and 6.

at 9 and 6 the courts would most likely view them as being too young to refuse contact,but contact could be supervised or in a contact centre.

also,he has MH issues,so be carefull....how do they manifest themselves?

my ex was like this.....the more i ignored him,the further he pushed. suicide attempts in the end. and that took me to court,he was too unstable. i was listened to,a forensic psychiatric asessment was done,he kept failing to turn up in court,getting in trouble etc etc and ended up with nothing. i got a section 91(14) so he could no longer apply without leave of court

Try Womens Aid again. It often just depends on who is on the line that day. Most of the time with me, they were wonderful, except for once. So maybe try them again?

I recommend the Freedom programme too. Google it to find one in your area. The one I did was at the Surestart centre and therefore had access to loads of other help for the children too.

Well done for getting out!

Just as a practical interim thing, can you change ring tones on your phone for different people? So when it rings or a text comes in thats not him, you don't have the horrible panicky feeling.

police have other priorities and you should call them for update. dont wait for them to call you. go and report all this as harassment.

ask GP for counselling too on NHS, but also tell womens aid you need help from harassment.

go to court - is best -the only way -when there has been DV and he sitll harassing you - then CAFCASS will get involved and look at best interests of children.

ask your work IT system to block him - or filter his emails so they go striaght into a folder so you can have them there should you need evidence.

do NOT respond to any email or text - let solicitor handle it.

if he not seeing the DC right now the only thing to arange is his stuff.

he IS likely to get contact at a contact centre but obviously DC will be old enough to make their views known. But realistically it is likely that if you go to court and he presents good picture to CAFCASS etc that sueprvised contact will be in the picture - but this will take some time so you ahve time to prepare and will likely be only couple hours every week or fortnight to start. and will be supervised so DC will feel more secure.

ask your solicitor to write saying you are taking contact isseus to court (you can apply for a residence order in your favour to get ball rolling) and that you will only offer supervised contact at a contact centre for now.

www.naccc.org.uk/

I felt exactly the same whenever I had to see my H after he left and was with OW. Felt like I was going to throw up, was v dizzy and sick, spent ages afterwards in the bathroom each time with stomach cramps. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and throw up. I think you're having a physical reaction to the stress and trauma of the situation - you're body's primal instincts are screaming "this man is not safe, danger danger!" or something like that.

If it doesn't subside once things are more final you should go to the GP, counselling might help.

could you pack up his stuff and put it in a temproary self storage unit then post him the key?

could be worth the costs of say three weeks storage. then you dont need to be there to see him