Feel ill due to contact with ex

[OhWesternWind]

Hi everyone - I have been a bit of a regular on here since my ex left me and the two children back in January. It's been over three months now and we are building a happy life without him.

The problems come when we have to have dealings with him. For various reasons, including a history of violence and emotional abuse/neglect, the children want no contact with him whatsoever. However, he keeps pestering us for contact by e-mail, text, phone, any way. Some nights he will phone four or five times, others he doesn't bother at all. Over Easter, dd was very brave and when he called her whilst she was on holiday at my mum's (yes, he wouldn't even give them a break whilst they were away) she actually spoke to him for the first time in months and told him to leave them (the children) alone and that they wanted nothing to do with him. Since then it went quiet for a few days but he is back now starting it all again. For example, he sent me an e-mail yesterday, then texted to tell me to answer it, then sent it again, then e-mailed again and then called me on my mobile. It really wears me down and literally makes me feel sick and ill. My heart rate goes up and I can feel myself getting stressed and upset as soon as I see his name/number or hear his voice. The children react very badly when he has been in touch and it really affects them.

I have been in touch with the police about him and we have been assessed as being at medium risk from him, but no-one from the police has been in touch again since to sort out a plan, and this is over a fortnight ago now that they rang to tell me our risk level. Doesn't feel like we are a priority at all.

I have not allowed him access since the extent of his history with the children has become clear and also since he pushed my daughter whilst he was supposed to be looking after her after he had left home. My solicitor has advised not to allow access but now he is threatening to take me to court but also (at the same time) is trying to get me to go to mediation. I don't want to go to mediation because a) my solicitor advises it isn't appropriate for this sort of case and b) I am shit scared of having to face him. He has denied everything I have said to his mother, who now knows the full story, and also has denied it to me when I said I had stopped contact because he pushed dd. Don't want to go to court either. Aargh.

Also, he wants to come round next week and collect the last of his stuff. He is being really arsey about when he will turn up - I've told him the time he's proposing isn't convenient but he says he will turn up then as he doesn't have the van at another time. Basically I think this is just a back door way of trying to see the children.

I just feel so so sick at the thought of having to see him. Even if I see his number on my phone or e-mail or hear his voice on the answerphone I literally feel sick and ill. I am such a coward as I cannot bear to face him. I am a bit scared of him but also I feel like I am not strong enough emotionally to sit there and listen to his lies and have him hassle me about access etc.

I am not sure how to move on and deal with this. I just want him gone, and so do the children. We just want nothing to do with him ever. It really affects both the children very badly when they have contact with him and I am the same too although I do not show it to the children, in fact we rarely talk about him unless circumstances force it.

Whilst I have been writing this he has just sent me two more e-mails about access/mediation.

Not sure what I'm asking for really, maybe just a bit of sympathy and some advice how I can learn to deal with this situation. Thanks!

It is hard, but eventually you will explode. I used to hate the phone ringing thinking it's not that cunt again is it, I used to come out of work because he would wait for me and literally shit myself it was a horrible time.

But, when the realise you mean business it gets better.

It does take time, years of their shit and brainwashing does have its effect.

Take your time, breathe, you get there. Think of trying to get some CBT to give you some balls, took me years, I hope it doesn't take you that long.

I moved my kids 110 miles away because he used to come round all the time, we got on okay then but him turning up all the time pissed me off. Moving was the best thing I done.

Look at this another way round. Just because you were once married to/on a relationship with this man does not mean he has any rights of any kind over you, any more than the milkman does, or the bloke who lives across the road and thinks you are 'lovely'. No adult has the right to insist on contact with another adult against that adult's wishes. People who persist in attempting to make contact when they have been told that contact is unwelcome can be arrested and sent to prison.
What rights he has: yes, he has the right to have his belongings back but you can put them in a neutral place and tell him he can pick them up from there so that he has no need to enter your home. You can get court orders in place to prevent him from entering the home ie if he trieds, or forces entry, he will be arrested.
Non molesstation/occupation orders that keep a man out of a house even if he is paying the mortgage on it are not that hard to obtain when there is evidence of harassment (save all abusive texts and emails) and violence.

You can insist that all emals/phone calls re necessary information on the DC be sent through a third party because you do not want to speak to the man or see him and will not do so under any circumstances. As long as you are llowing reasonable provision for the DC to see him it doesn;'t matter if you don't see him yourself: contact offered through a contact centre is regarded as reasonable contact by the courts.

Thanks everyone for your help and support. Sorry to hear other people have been through similar but at least now I feel less alone.

Unfortunately, the stuff he's taking is some big pieces of furniture which I can't move by myself, otherwise it would definitely be in the boot of my car and round to his mother's with it all.

I have applied for a new mortgage and am going through the legal process to buy him out and get him off the deeds to the house but have been advised this could be another six weeks. Still the end is in sight.

I have now changed my phone number for my home landline - they said it might take a couple of days to have effect, but it's done. I'm going to contact my work IT people later today when they roll in and see what they can do re e-mails. Does anyone know how I can block him from my home e-mail? It's a Virgin account. Sorry, I'm a bit clueless here.

Am I able to give him my mum as a contact? That would be best for me as I don't want direct contact from him.

The thought of him being given contact at a contact centre is awful. I was hoping the court will listen to the children's wishes and not force them to see someone who has made their lives a misery for years. They really don't want to see him and actually I don't think dd will see him even if I try to make her (which I don't want to do as it feels like a betrayal of her).

I am having counselling and so will my daughter be once the bloody NHS pulls its finger out and sorts this out for her - have been waiting three months now. She is deeply affected (traumatised) by what has happened.

Moving seems like a great option and something I am looking into as a serious possibility . . . keep your fingers crossed it works out.

Thanks again.

I just feel so weak and crappy and can't face up to conflict with him. It's like I am worried about offending him or something after all he has done. What is wrong with me? I do not love him or want him back or anything like that so why can't I treat him as he deserves and stand up to his shit?

you could certinaly argue no contact due to trauma -and you have evidence that you have sought help for this via GP. so you could offer indirect contact eg letters or emails via your mother (which you could monitor).

main issue - do you want to push the issue by applying for residence order at court or are you going to wait for him to do so?

in the absence of a court order - you decide on contact.

you might want to consider pushing the issue and applying for residence order in your favour and a period of no contact/indirect contact only due to the emotional trauma experienced by your DC.

having a reissdence order in your favour gives you more control eg you wont need to get his permission about taking them on holiday abroad etc. speak to a solicitor about this. wheether it worth you applying for residence order - or wait for him to do so

as to why -well it is early days - try getting on a divorce recovery workshop sooner if you still awaiting counselling eg www.drw.org.uk

Another huge problem today. We had agreed (or I thought we had, and nothing was said otherwise) that ex would pay childcare costs which he did by a workplace voucher scheme. Vouchers kept on coming through, but the one for last month had the old childminder's name on it, so current cm couldn't cash it. Anyway, ex is now refusing to change the name on this one and has also cancelled the latest voucher so that even though this has been given to cm she can't claim it.

Ex is refusing to respond to cm's texts/calls.

I have spoken to cm and we have agreed that she will tell him she is takign legal action against him for defaulting on his contract (ha) and that she will pursue him for this money. She is also going to write to him at his parents' address which will really upset him (double ha).

It looks like by default I am now going to have to pick up the childcare bills, plus ex has also stopped paying the mortgage on a buy to let house we own jointly so I am going to have to pick that up too or else I will get a credit blacklist. I can't afford this. Ex is getting all the rental income off this property and despite me asking since January for him to put it on the market he has not done so. I do not have keys to the property so cannot do so.

This is putting huge financial pressure on me. He has already left me with a huge mortgage, bills which I have tried to cut down as much as possible and all the upkeep for teh children. His maintenance payments are a drop in the ocean. He has delayed and delayed negotiations about the house and financials so we have only recently come to an agreement, and it's going to be at least another six weeks before I can get the house in my name and then (probably) put it on the market.

I am in a huge panic about finances as I just feel I am picking up all his shit and he is laughing in my face as he's living a virtually cost-free life at his parents' house and I am struggling with a massive financial burden.

oh err - this kind of thing is a nightmare. i am hugely in debt to banks/family/friends because of mortgages, buy to let property etc etc tied up with exP - but finally ahve tow day hearing early june to hopefully resolve.... we also have a joint own buy to let and all sorts of probs with mortgage not beng paid - one reason being he has been taking one third of rent into his own account. so the joint account which was for rent in/mmortgage out heavily overdrawn.

keep good records - if he getting the rent then he should pay the mortgage?
email him and keep print outs of the emails you sent. get everything he has agreed to in writing/email.

which house are you putting in your name? the one you in or the buy to let?

can you sell the buy to let? or let him buy you out if he wants to keep it? does it have lots of equity?

if he wont play ball you will have to go down court and TOLATA route ,,,

Thanks CestLaVie - sorry to hear you are tangled up in all this sort of stuff too.

I want to get the buy to let sold. He doesn't want to buy me out but has done nothing to get it valued/sold on the market. It has a reasonable amount of equity, I think, but this is only based on browsing on Rightmove! My opinion is yes, he gets the rent so should pay the mortgage, but he says he has no tenants in at the mo so can't pay. The problem is he knows he has me over a barrel as I can't afford to miss payments on the BTL mortgage as it would affect my mortgage application on the other house (I'm buying him out of the house we live in). Nightmare.

I will look in to the TOLATA, thanks, as I suspect with this guy it will come to that. Anything to make life difficult . . .

Thanks again for perservering with my thread!

If you have 2 properties surely you have one each?

Can you can apply to take your name of the mortgage of the buy to let and the deeds - needs to be legally tied up to you buying him out of your current home. Serve notice on the tenants - if he's not getting any rental income that may hurry him sorting it out.

I would fix a time/date for him to collect his stuff and beg and borrow some help to have it all on the front lawn ready for him so he doesn't step foot in the house.

Sorry to hear that you are having such an awful time.

Hi Cargirl - he won't accept the rental property - I suggested this straight away but for some reason he did not want to do it. Just sheer awkwardness I think to make things difficult.

Putting the stuff on the lawn is very tempting and if I can find a big strong bloke to help me out (ooh I wish) I'll do it.

Dd has now said she wants to be here when he comes to collect his stuff as she wants to tell him what she thinks of him, that she hates him and never wants to see him again. She says she is a person with feeling too and should be allowed to do this and get it all out. Good idea or not? I can't make my mind up as it could all go horribly wrong if he turns on her and gives her a mouthful back but she is very very keen on doing this. (She's 9).

Homeboys, thanks for the e-mail advice. Will have a go at it straight away.

Thanks everyone again for taking time to help me, it does really mean a lot.

Have you consulted a solicotor about sorting out the finances? Basically there should be some ways of hitting him hard with legal action and enforcing penalties etc as it is obvious that he is fucking around just to distress you. Don't waaste any time expecting him to be reasonable, he is not going to be reasonable because he;s a knob.

I've consulted a solicitor about the children but not about finances as (naively) I'd thought we could sort them out between ourselves. You're right, he's not going to be reasonable, is he? I'll get on the case Monday.

I feel terrible about how he has treated the childminder. She is now a few hundred pounds out of pocket and because her husband has been ill and can't work, they rely only on her income. He KNOWS this but still thinks it is an okay thing to do. Can't believe him.

Have blocked the bugger on my e-mail now, cheers Homeboys!

You need to sort out the finances etc asap, usually I judge wants to see that you are both housed wherever possible and it won't look good on him if he continues to stall. Is it worth speaking to the mortgage providers and asking for a payment holiday under the circumstances especially if you can tell them that divorce proceedings have started?

Get a solicitor to write to him to advise that the jointly owned by to let property is to be sold and that consideration is to be given to you now in effect paying for two properties and insufficient child care costs.

I.e what you are paying out for now comes out of his equity.

Furthermore get the solicitor to request a set of keys if it is i joint names you are entitled to a set of keys, if you can't get them pay a locksmith to change the locks.