I've been the Other Woman. Feel so stupid and guilty.

[working9to5]

I have no excuse.
I always knew he had a girlfriend, though hoped it would end because they hadn't been together long. To begin with we were just friends but there was always an undercurrent.

I should have stopped seeing him when he moved in with her, and I did cool it off for a bit but he started telling me how much he missed me and how he was always thinking of me.

I hoped he'd be with me one day. He was constantly telling me how much he felt for me and cared about me, how lovely I was, how much I meant to him.

The day we first kissed was a shock to us both, but really it shouldn't have been because we'd put ourselves in a position for it to happen.

After we first had sex I tried to end it telling him I wouldn't be the OW. He told me he'd work it out so we could be together.

I only lasted a few weeks before he reeled me in telling me how much he had missed me and wanted to hold me. He told me he loved me.

I tried to end it a few more times but loneliness and his declarations of love always got the better of me. I didn't think of his girlfriend as a person, I convinced myself he was with her for convenience. I didn't let myself think of her feelings or what I was doing to her.

I let myself be convinced that he really did have feelings for me and really did care. I thought he was just playing it safe and making sure it was going to work between us before ending it with her.

It killed me everytime he said he was going 'home'. Because home was her. Being with him was causing me more pain than good, I wanted a real relationship with someone who loved me but instead was pathetically hanging around for scraps.

A few months ago I realised I was never going to be any more to him and ended it. This time I succeeded because I was no longer believing there was any future in it. It still hurts, I fell for him completely and letting go has been hard.

Ironically someone has now told his girlfriend about us. He has denied everything and asked me if I would meet her and convince her we are just friends. Just shows how little my feelings count to him. I've told him I won't do it. I can't lie to save his relationship. If he'd admitted to it and she wanted to confront me I'd find that easier. I know I was wrong and would be willing to face the consequences but I've been complicit in deceiving her enough and won't lie directly to her.

I can't believe I got into this situation. I'm a nice person. I NEVER thought I'd go with someone elses man. I hate myself for doing it. I can't believe I was able to disassociate myself from the reality of her as a person that I was helping to deceive and betray. I feel so stupid for believing I'd have a future with him and am disgusted with myself for even wanting that when he was already with her.

And I'm sorry. To her. And to all the other women that have been cheated on. I really am sorry and I know I have no excuse.

Yes he has children and an ex. But then so do I and I wouldn't rule a man out based on that. Or I'd be saying that I shouldn't ever have another relationship because I have children and an ex.

Moomoo that is helpful...and yes I should have done that. My friend (the only one who knows about it) told me right at the beginning I should give him an ultimatum and I didn't because I knew he wouldn't choose me, didn't think I was good enough to be his first choice.

So you thought you deserved no better than to take the part time relationship he was offering.

Decide that you won't let a man do this to you again, and tell yourself that over and over again. The best way to do that is to work on your self esteem and confidence. Try to get yourself out there socially as much as you can, concentrate on building good friendships and doing things for you that make you happy.

There's no reason to write off a man who has an ex and children (in the future) but you know that a man who can't commit to only seeing you isn't worth it.

OP 4 weeks before my 20 year marriage ended, I received an anonymous letter telling me my now STBXH was having an affair. I still don't know for sure who sent it but I think it was the OW.

It was the most devastating thing to have happened to me and our children. The story you tell of this relationship is all too predictable I'm afraid. If you think GF has a right to know what a shit he is, then why don't you make him tell her, instead of humiliating her further yourself.

Better still why don't you just leave them alone to work their own stuff out.

I'm being cheated on at the moment (10 years married and 1 child). I know that the OW is a mirror image of me but just without children. The most irritating thing so far is the OW telling my (not at all)DH that she is finding the current situation stressful. WTF. She knew he was married and still made a conscious choice to get involved. Our marriage was over anyway but it needed finishing properly. So sorry OP not really feeling very sympathetic right now as I face the future prospect of financial poverty while they swan around on fancy trips and meals.

Thank you for the advice moomoofarm, and sgb I appreciate the matter of factness of your posts. I'm not kidding myself it will be easy to emotionally detach myself from him but I know I need to do it and am determined to. I think previously when I ended it I still wanted to be with him but this time, although I still have feelings for him I don't want a relationship with him.

I do need to work on my self esteem. Definitely. How stupid is it that I thought my self esteem had improved when actually it was just his flattery that was making me feel good and was actually a sign of how low my self esteem really was.

samels and wisedup I am sorry you have been cheated on, not trying to justify myself at all because I know really this reasoning doesn't even make sense, but there was no way I would have gone near a man who was married/in a long term relationship/with the mother of his children. I do realise what I did was no better than the OW in your situations but at the time it did feel somehow less bad. I won't ever allow myself that messed up logic again.

samels your post has also made me realise how little I was willing to settle for. I didn't even get the stereotypical nights in hotels, gifts or meals. All I had was snatched time with him at home, and hardly any of that. Pathetic how I was hanging on for so little.

I'm struggling a bit with the zero contact at the moment. He's the last thing I think of at night and the first thing I think of in the morning. I dream about him and wake up in the night thinking about him. I thought not seeing him would make it easier but right now I am really missing him and the temptation to call him is really strong.

I am determined not to, but it is very hard.

Is there anyway I can get him out of my mind quicker or will it just take time?

He has started contacting me again, chummy chummy. Now I know why, last night they were over he said, this morning he told me I have to meet his girlfriend so she doesn't think anything was going on. Am really angry now.

Yes but you are letting him contact you, aren't you? You can control this if you wanted to.

I hope his girlfriend contacts you though - then at least she might get some truth. But given that she might also find out that you haven't been blocking him, she might think you're saying this, to pave the way clear for yourself. And you need to be honest and admit if there would be any truth in that.

He sounds unhinged, he is so evil and callous. He is so cruel. His personality type sounds hard, selfish and aggressive. He is obviously very manipulative and domineering. If you had continued in a relationship with him I think you would have had a very hard time. He is obviously quite reckless to think you could all sit round a table and lie to his girlfriend - thats BONKERS!!

I'd send him an email stating in no uncertain terms that (and this is taking the best bits from other posts) that you have seen the full unpleasantness of his personality in all its glory. That you think he is a desperate fannyrat. And that you feel terribly sorry for his girlfriend. Say that you want absolutely nothing to do with him, no more contact.

Bullies hate to be exposed, and he sounds like a very domineering bully.

Because he has been in contact with you about this particular matter on more than one occasion, I would tell her the truth, but on your own, and on your own terms.

And then move on. Find enjoyment in other areas than your love life for a while!!! ie time with friends, time with your family, theatre, cinema, meals out, evening classes, the gym, gardening, a simple coffee in a cafe, walking, the list is endless.

Good luck!!

why are you still even engaging with him, and accepting his calls/texts etc ?

you are still the OW when you are having any sort of dialogue with him at all

don't you want it to be over between you ?

or are you letting him stay in touch so you can step in when his gf finally dumps his sorry arse ?

am not sure of your motives here

"I always knew he had a girlfriend, though hoped it would end because they hadn't been together long"

What on earth is all this angst about? he wasn't married, hadn't been with her long, you might feel a little uncomfortable about this but surely it hardly counts as a serious matter?

higgle... there is only one serious matter here with regard to OP...she is not over him

OP I have all the sympathy in the world for you but... lets not beat around the bush
You know far too well that if you j u s t spoke to her/show her that nothing has ever happened between you 2 he "would loooove you for it" and you may stand a chance to carry on.

If you honestly wanted to put it behind you, you would have told him in no unclear terms that you would speak to her but to put her straight!
And all you need to say to her (should it come to that) would be " I think you already know what you need to know... Good Luck! "

OP are you planning to see them both on friendly terms and pretend nothing happened?

Here is some advice from a man's perspective. You know this guy is no good so accept now that there will never be any future with him, even if he ends it with his GF and comes running to you declaring undying love. Until you have fully accepted that (you say you have but sadly I see all the signs of someone who still desperately loves a man who is no good) you will not be able to move on.

I would suggest you cut off all contact with him completely. Block his number on your phone and move on. No excuses, no coincidental meetings, just move on. Until you do, he will continue to burn up your best years.

I would do one of two things

Sorry posted before I had finished.

I would do one of two things. Cut him off completely or take him up on his kind invitation to meet his GF and tell her the truth.

yup...what he ^^ said

BoxingH NO!!! That is what he wants me to do though. I'm not quite sure how he imagines that particular situation playing out... I told him before I wouldn't do it and I've ignored him this time.

I could not and would not meet her and pretend nothing had ever happened and acting all matey all the while knowing I had been fucking her boyfriend. I might have been enough of a bitch to do it in the first place but I am not two faced or nasty enough to do that.

No I'm not over him, I stll have feelings for him but I'm trying to get over him and I do know there is no future with him. I haven't replied to any of his texts other than one tonight after being bombarded all day I said I won't lie to her or pretend nothing has happened and not to ask me again, I haven't contacted him. I can't block his number because my landlord contacts me through him, but I'm doing my best.

Higgle it is a serious situation, although I persuaded myself it was how you put it while it was going on. But they live together, they share a life together, so no matter how little time it has been they are still a serious couple.

Maandpa it's funny because he comes across as a really gentle and caring person normally but you're right-in this situation he isn't at all.

Why can't you ask your landlord to contact you directly?

I?m so lonely and fed up.

What people don?t realise is I was in love with him and I believed he loved me too. I had no right to love him but I did. Real love, not just lust.

We were friends. Good friends and that was all I intended it to be. I never set out to be the OW. I developed feelings for him but I ignored them. Then he made it clear he felt the same and it became harder to ignore. I thought we would be properly together. I thought he just wanted to be sure it would work between us before leaving his gf.

I told him not to contact me and he hasn?t. But now I?m pissed off that he hasn?t even tried because it proves how worthless I am. I?m a bad person. Even when I try to do the right thing I?m bad, secretly wishing he cared.

I just want to be happy but I don?t deserve to be. My ex made that clear to me and now I know. I?m a bad person. How could I develop feelings for and act on them for someone else?s man? Karma means I will never find happiness after what I?ve done. I should just give up.

I deserve nothing

One word for you ... counselling!
I have been in a similar situation to you only it was just an emotional affair, but have been destroyed over it.
Had my first session of counselling yesterday and I actually feel like I can breathe again without it hurting itms?
I totally understand how you're feeling.

Everything hurts at the moment not just breathing.
But i know it's only what i deserve. Yes he's hurt me. but i asked for it.

Working... it proves how worthless he is.

So why am I the one who feels so worthless? He still has his life, I feel destroyed.

and the tempatation to call her and tell her the truth is so strong. but I know I'd only be doing it for revenge and to fuck his life up. see? I'm a nasty horrible person

But you haven't done it have you?
You are not a nasty horrible person.
I divorced after being cheated on, and have now been an OW for 6 months. I understand exactly what you are saying. It is an addictive feeling when you are told how wonderful you are, and it is easy to push aside the knowledge that you are just accepting the crumbs from someone else's table.
Until a month ago, I was dependent on the unpredictable communication from OM, and was always available for him.
I am now easing out of this, slowly building my self esteem, and we are trying to finish things. I have been friends with OM for 2 years, but I no longer see him after a job change.
It is an absolute roller coaster every day of emotions but you know you just have to ride it, leave him alone and do not get drawn into his games.
You deserve better than this, and there are decent men out there. Just because your ex told you negative stuff, does not mean it was true.
Just concentrate on you and rebuilding your life, and leave him to sort out his.
Good luck x