Im being a really shitty friend arent I?

[imashittyfriend]

Hi all have namechanged as have a few rl friends on here who know my normal name.

I am having trouble being a good friend at the moment and wonder if I am just a nasty bitch or if others would feel the same.

Have been friends with this person since high school (about 14 years) and we have gone through stages of being very close and then hardly seeing eachother due to relocation etc, we have been back in close contact now for nearly 2 years and speak regularly on facebook and see eachother once a week.
I have a 5 year old and 2 year old twins and she has a 3 year old son who has a genetic disorder which means he is unable to talk and can only do limited crawling and a small amount of weight bearing and is currently pregnant with number 2 (no way of knowing if they have the same problem until born and had a blood test)

I have been finding the last few months very difficult with meeting up every week and have been cancelling quite a few meet ups

I think its because as my twins get older and more independant that her DS's problems have become more apparent and I am finding it very limiting with what we can do together.
If we go to a soft play my two are off and into everything whereas her DS just sits and wants her constant attention which means I either limit my two to staying put or chase after them and let them have fun meaning we have no time to chat!
We tried going to the local park with a picnic in the school holidays with my 3 and the both of them but ended up leaving after 10 mins as the twins had learnt how to open the gate and escape and trying to stop them and keep an eye on my eldest was just way too stressful for me, my friend couldnt understand why I wanted to leave and kept trying to get my to go to another park which is just as bad but by a river so even more stressful for me!

The only real option is for her to come here (I dont drive) which is fine as the twins and her ds play nicely except she will turn up at 930am and doesnt leave till at least 230pm and thats only because I am off on the school run and if she doesnt have to pick her DH up from work she will come on the school run with me and stay till about 4pm.
This means I end up having to do lunch for us all or go hungry and as I tend to have leftovers for lunch it means me having to buy extra food in especially. It also means that I dont manage to achieve anything when she is here and the house is like a bombsite when she leaves!

The other problem is that all she really does when she is here is moan about how shit things are for her and how shit the council/HA/NHS/HV etc is and then if I mention I plan to do something she tries to get invited, I kinda feel like she is trying to take over my life!

She does have other friends she sees and does attend a toddler group with her DS so its not like Im the only person she sees each week.

She is being made redundant next month which means she has even more spare time and is pushing for me to help her fill it and I feel like I really dont want to even meet up once a week let alone more

Am I being a complete bitch for wanting to withdraw from her? and should I be making more allowances for her situation or should I accept that the friendship has started breaking away again?
Also how do I explain to her how I feel without sounding like a heartless cow? or maybe thats exactly what I am

Any advice gratefully recieved TIA

IMO I think the balancing the needs of the children part is probably a little unfair as it happens to everyone in a group of friends (children of different ages with different needs although of course as they all get older it becomes easier so you just have to grin and bear this stage).

However I don;t think you are being heartless as it sounds to me the issue is about the quality of your relationship with her and what you are both getting from it. I am very much of the mind that you need have friends that are just that - you help each other out, laugh, cry together etc but the balance needs to be there. We can't all be happy and cheery all the time but in life it's important to get the right team around you - people who impact positively on your life overall and that be giving to them, you impact positively too. This sounds pretty one sided and in your position, I have withdrawn to a more manageable amount of time together. Only you can decide what that is but from what you've suggested, I would say softplay is probably a good bet - not sure why you have to ask yours to stay put if it's a softplay with age appropriate stuff.

One other thought - only meeting up with the kids is IMO not enough to sustain a good friendship. I try (even if it's only once a month) to meet up with mummy friends without the kids as only then can you relax and have a good old chat. If you think you may start to enjoy time with her again and worth the investment, that could be worth considering

I think she does sound extremely clingy/ needy and I would be very annoyed to be seeing someone once a week every week for such a long period, I wouldn't be able to sustain that (am a pretty private person and prefer less "in-your-pocket" friendships). On the other hand, she is quite early on in a massively life-changing situation of having a son with a severe disability, which she never expected. Her life probably is quite restricted by her son's needs and your friendship, and her son's opportunity to play with typically developing children, are probably very valuable to her. I would stick to doing things together that don't pose practical problems (e.g., having them at your home). Is there the option of going to their home?

I don't know if there's a non-hurtful way of doing this but I would say to her that you're finding your weekly catch-ups impossible to sustain, as you have so many things to do and it's basically one day out of every seven devoted to seeing her. I would say that from now on you'll only be able to see her once every fortnight, and only within a certain time period (e.g., after lunch until you have to pick the kids up from school). You may find that's all you need to feel a lot better about your friendship. I think you just have to say it. You could introduce the topic by mentioning all the cancellations you've had to make lately - saying (not asking) that you'll have to switch to fortnightly meet-ups as that's all you can manage these days.

I feel for you, actually. I don't think you're being a bitch but I'm not sure you should explain how you're feeling to her - I'm not sure how you'd do that without coming over really badly.

I certainly wouldn't want to see her more than you currently do, and would suggest activities that don't include you to her to fill her time.

I think it'd be easier if she was more positive, but given her situation it's understandable that she moans. Argh. Tough one. Sorry, I'm being no help at all here .

I don't think it would be hurtful Pigglesworth, I think fortnightly is a good suggestion. Feeling an obligation and grinning and bearing your meet ups is not conducive to you feeling good about things either and you almost end up with a negative cycle - she's focusing on all her problems and you are dreading the time together so it perpetuates the problems. Taking some steps back sounds very sensible

Are your children as difficult for you to handle when you go to the park/playground/softplay with them on your own?

Why dont you invite her specifically to come for 11 or 12 o clock, and tell her you have chores to do in the morning, so it is not convenient for you to have visitors.

Thank you both
Mindy I have to make mine stay put as they love getting up on the higher stuff but get stuck so I tend to follow them round and help them as they need it, it is quite open plan soft play so they head straight for the big stuff lol.She cant take her DS up easily as he cant do any climbing himself and she is pregnant so finds it hard. We havent met up without the kids in the whole 2 years and if Im truely honest Im not sure I would want to start as there would be no distraction. We hadnt had any contact for 4 years as I had moved away and it was only through facebook that we came back in contact, I have only met her husband once and she has only met mine a couple of times when he has come home for lunch when she has been here.
I mentioned I was gonna start swimming on an evening and she tried to pin me down to meeting up so I pretended I had changed my mind

Pigglesworth I think you get it completely its not so much meeting up but meeting up for 5-7 hours at a time EVERY week! She starts questioning what day she can come the following week before she has even left!
I think it would be fine if I knew I was only gonna be with her for an hour for a coffee but I cant afford to meet in a coffee shop every week and once she gets here its difficult to get rid of her we were going away one week and she came over and it wasnt till I actually went to get in the car (after having to leave DH to pack the car and the kids) that she got the hint to go!

If Im truthful she is the only friend I tend to see by plan, I just tend to bump into others so I do sometimes think that maybe I am anti social but then I dont know many friends who spend a block of 5-7 hours together on a regular basis.

I hate confrontation so find the whole telling her to back off (obviously in a nice way) makes me feelsick but then the alternative is to just ignore her which I know is downright rude and nasty.

Im gonna have to find some balls and be honest!

Quint I dont take them to the park on my own as its alot to handle but take them to softplay where it is more contained and that it usually when the eldest is at school.
The problem is once she is here she doesnt take hints that its time to go and I find it hard to say "ok I need to get on now".

Zikes Thats the problem I dont know how to explain it to her without sounding awful

Next time you invite her over tell her it is just for a couple of hours as you have other things that you need to do that day. Ask her to come for 1pm or something.
And why feel that you have to see her every week? Just arrange it for every couple of weeks or whatever works for you and yours.
Friendship isn't about one party feeling obliged all the time.

I don't think that you have to explain the exact reasons why you want to do things differently.
You could just say that now that your two are older life is getting very busy and you have more pressure on your time, and that shorter meet-ups are more enjoyable for the children. Or something.

I think you've got to the heart of the issue in your reply - it sounds like you've just drifted apart! It happens and is nothing to beat yourself up about, some friendships last, some don't but the longer you keep going, the more reliant she will become, which is no good for either of you. I think it's really telling if you're not especially keen to meet up without the kids. I'm not sure any big honest session is needed here, not sure what it would achieve just leave it as selks says - if you want the children to still meet up then make it for a specific amount of time at a place you can leave when ready. Let her find ways to fill the rest of her time and build other friendships, you have nothing to feel bad about.

homeboys - true that friendship can't just be on your terms and it is about being there for each other but there is a tipping point where being in a friendship that is almost exclusively negative isn't good. I agree that I don't think the issue with the children is quite fair but friendship should be enjoyable and fulfilling in the good and bad times and from the OP, it doesn't sounds as if it is

You seem to see lots of problems. You have problems with your children in the park. Therefore you restrict their experiences to the contained indoor area which is softplay. You find it problematic to make lunch for all of you at home, the house is messy after she has left. But she hardly creates mess? And her little boy just sits there, so what mess does he create? It seems to me your real problem could just possibly be that you are finding your own two such a handful to cope with, that the added element of friend with child is too much for you!

Do you ever get a break to "catch yourself" so to speak? Can the twins do a few sessions in nursery per week?

Can you just take your little ones for strolls in the pushchairs, while you chat? Stop by for lunch at a coffee shop, where you dont linger for coffee but move on once you have eaten?
Could her little boy sit and entertain himself in the ball pool while you and her enjoy a coffee right nearby?

Homeboys There isnt a park round here that is suitable, there is two and they are very similar in the fact that they have easy push gates to get in and out and there is one at either end which means within the space of two minutes they can run in opposite directions and both escape, bearing in mind one is about a 2 minute toddle from a very fast flowing river and the other is another easy push gate from a busy main road I dont want to put myself in that situation until they are old enough to understand some kind of rules.

There really isnt much to do round here and as I dont drive it makes things hard. We went to a soft play somewhere else in her car once and I ended up being stuck there for nearly 2 hours longet than I wanted to be as she was in charge of driving us home (cant really demand we leave when she has driven us there)
The problem with fixing lunch every week is the fact we are trying to stick to a budget so my lunch is usually a leftover portion from the night before, so having 2 extra mouths means doing a special meal and they are both quite fussy so cant just do a couple of butties.
You are right though I am probably being shitty

Mindy I think you are right and it has run its course but its so difficult trying to withdraw because for every date I turn down she offers 2 or 3 more for me to choose from. It wouldn't be so bad if she text and said Im nearby wanna meet up, its the fact she wants to make arrangements at least a week in advance!

Yes, I think you are being a bit shitty. If you had a child with such severe special needs, do you not think you would need to moan to an old friend about it? I hear what you are saying about 5 hours a week being too much for you but being a friend means helping people through the tough things in their life and this is one of those times. Reduce the amount you see her to every other week as suggested and try and find a place you can all enjoy.

I imagine when people have children with SN that they find a lot of their old friends feel their friendships have 'run its course' ie are no longer as easy for them to maintain now that the new child places extra demands. How lonely they must get and it is no wonder parents with SN stick together.

Quint He makes alot of mess as he wont sit in a booster seat to eat so spreads all his crisps all over the carpet and tips juice on the floor, not major issues but still extra work for me, I dont find it a problem to make lunch but I havent invited her for lunch ever so its annoying that I am expected to supply it every week!
My twins are hard work but I dont struggle with it and I enjoy it but they are somethings that are more challenging with 2 obviously.
Cant afford to put them into nursery until they get their funding next year and dont feel the need to either.
Her DS wont sit and amuse himself so is constantly needing her attention.

Can understand what you are getting at I honestly dont think thats the problem

TheprovincialLady That is why I feel shitty but if you take out the fact of her son having SN it probably wouldnt change the situation that much.
Like I said I have been friends with her for 14 years and in that time I have always been there for her.
I could list loads of times that I have gone above and beyond for her and I can tell you now that there isnt one time it has been returned even well before her son came along so please dont make out this is purely to do with SN

TheProvincialLady - I think that's out of order. I think this is about their friendship, not someone being intolerant about SN. This isn't a lifelong friendship that has suddenly come to a halt due to this child - they were out of contact for ages and reconnected through FB. I know plenty of people who have done that but found things have moved on and they don't rekindle the old friendship, no shame in that, it happens. I think this is about the adults in the relationship, not the children.

That would really annoy me.... Having to clean crisps and juice off carpets.
Can you let him sit on a picnic blanket inside? Or not feed him crisps? Water rather than juice?

oh and TheProvincialLady dont you think that people back away from Mums of twins aswell? I have people telling me they couldnt cope with having twins all the time and can see people dont want to get involved with you at toddler groups because of it.
Having twins can be similar to having a child with SN in the sense that until you have been in the situation yourself you cant truely comment on how life must be!

Well if you say that then of course that is fair enough, but the way it reads to me is about practical difficulties due to her DS rather than 'she is boring me and I don't feel we have anything in common now.'

If it was me I would do what I could do revitalise the friendship, but cut back a bit on the actual time spent together. Quality not quantity. She clearly relies on you after two years and it would be cruel to back off completely.

Quint If I put a blanket down my 2 would think it was a game and fight over it lol, he is a fussy eater and has weight issues so any food he eats is a bonus, so cant really ask that he doesnt have them

And re lunch - tell her you need to share the cost and the workload. Ask her to bring lunch every other time, and yes use mats etc to keep the place clean.

We all get annoyed with our friends when we see a lot of them, it's natural.

TheProvincialLady the reason I mentioned the practicalities and problems due to his SN is because I think it is helping to show the problems in our friendship alot easier as I am getting more and more unwilling to find solutions to the problems as I dont really want to meet up in the first place