Im being a really shitty friend arent I?

[imashittyfriend]

Hi all have namechanged as have a few rl friends on here who know my normal name.

I am having trouble being a good friend at the moment and wonder if I am just a nasty bitch or if others would feel the same.

Have been friends with this person since high school (about 14 years) and we have gone through stages of being very close and then hardly seeing eachother due to relocation etc, we have been back in close contact now for nearly 2 years and speak regularly on facebook and see eachother once a week.
I have a 5 year old and 2 year old twins and she has a 3 year old son who has a genetic disorder which means he is unable to talk and can only do limited crawling and a small amount of weight bearing and is currently pregnant with number 2 (no way of knowing if they have the same problem until born and had a blood test)

I have been finding the last few months very difficult with meeting up every week and have been cancelling quite a few meet ups

I think its because as my twins get older and more independant that her DS's problems have become more apparent and I am finding it very limiting with what we can do together.
If we go to a soft play my two are off and into everything whereas her DS just sits and wants her constant attention which means I either limit my two to staying put or chase after them and let them have fun meaning we have no time to chat!
We tried going to the local park with a picnic in the school holidays with my 3 and the both of them but ended up leaving after 10 mins as the twins had learnt how to open the gate and escape and trying to stop them and keep an eye on my eldest was just way too stressful for me, my friend couldnt understand why I wanted to leave and kept trying to get my to go to another park which is just as bad but by a river so even more stressful for me!

The only real option is for her to come here (I dont drive) which is fine as the twins and her ds play nicely except she will turn up at 930am and doesnt leave till at least 230pm and thats only because I am off on the school run and if she doesnt have to pick her DH up from work she will come on the school run with me and stay till about 4pm.
This means I end up having to do lunch for us all or go hungry and as I tend to have leftovers for lunch it means me having to buy extra food in especially. It also means that I dont manage to achieve anything when she is here and the house is like a bombsite when she leaves!

The other problem is that all she really does when she is here is moan about how shit things are for her and how shit the council/HA/NHS/HV etc is and then if I mention I plan to do something she tries to get invited, I kinda feel like she is trying to take over my life!

She does have other friends she sees and does attend a toddler group with her DS so its not like Im the only person she sees each week.

She is being made redundant next month which means she has even more spare time and is pushing for me to help her fill it and I feel like I really dont want to even meet up once a week let alone more

Am I being a complete bitch for wanting to withdraw from her? and should I be making more allowances for her situation or should I accept that the friendship has started breaking away again?
Also how do I explain to her how I feel without sounding like a heartless cow? or maybe thats exactly what I am

Any advice gratefully recieved TIA

You DO have an answer for everything, dont you?
There is not going to be ONE good suggestion from either of us, you have decided already, havent you?

ONE drink of water a week, and NO crisps once a week, surely you can say that, in your own home?

Quint Dont mean to be negative towards suggestions being made but some of it has been tried and other just wouldnt work.
Maybe no crisps would work but he drinks about 6 beakers of juice while he is here and really shows off if he cant have it so that would cause alot of problems

I guess I have kinda given up on the situation going back to being enjoyable though

But does your friend not take any responsibility for him and what he does at your house? Does she just sit and chill with a cuppa while you run around making sure everybody has what they need?

Well thanks for all the advice, looks like the decision has been took out of my hands as I have just gone on facebook and noticed a messaged from her missing off my profile and on further inspection she has deleted me as a friend and blocked me by the looks of it as she doesnt come up on a search

She must have read this and feel hurt.

Let her calm down. She will realize that you are trying to find ways of continuing the friendship, as you are looking for ideas how to make it less stressful and more manageable for yourself, in the current phase your children find themselves in.

Maybe

Oh dear.

i think the friend needs support but might find it more forthcoming from other parents of children with SN. at this age the differences do become more parent and meeting up with "typical" kids can be a huge problem. and the SN issues can become all consuming. i certainly lost friends when my son was that age. i am sure my obsessions and all consuming SN stuff didnt help.

you could keep lines open and offer to meet without Dc sometime in the future.

oh and op why dont you learn to drive it is such a valuable skill when you have DC

I don't blame your friend tbh
you're off the hook op

After the horse has bolted...but when I read your OP I thought that you were giving quite a bit of recognisable detail despite your name changing efforts.

Yes, I guess you're off the hook shittyfriend

(((virtual hugs to your friend reading this)))

OP I think you have tried your best and this has just run it's course. You have twins, thats a lot of work too. I had a 'friend' who never asked me over, brought her child to my house and allowed him to wreck the place while I made lunch/coffee then didn't apologise/help clean. It gets on your nerves. The way I read it, this has little to do with the sn chld but more the mum taking for granted you will give over a full day a week to sitting around.

My friend also watched me pack suitcases and call a cab to the airport before leaving at the same time as me. Surely a friend can recognise when another friend needs to be left to get on with their life?

Please don't feel bad. There seems to be this attitude that friends and longevity go together that just isn't always so. Life changes us, children change us and we have differing needs.

I'm not sure why you posted here tbh. You certainly don't want to find solutions and it looks like your friends has cottoned on to this and saved you the job of telling her.

Hope to god the poor woman hasn't seen this and no having twins is in no way comparable to having a child with sn.

ConnotTraceptive I didn't mean to make out that twins was comparable with sn child atall. Just that I don't think the nub of this was about the sn child, and that a friendship when you yourself have a handful, never mind what the friend is dealing with, can make it hard enough to get out and about and have full play dates at your home. That's before you look at what the friend has to deal with.

I really don't see the faultline in this friendship is much to do with the friends little one, more about her not realising the onus seemed to be on full days and overstaying her welcome with the op.

We really do see all situations differently, it's a wonder friendships work atall when you think of it. The op feels it's too difficult to be frank and say 'this is too much, please go home earlier' and how do you get round that?

Pointless wondering now though.

ConnorTraceptive I hope she hasnt seen it either, I did post to get advice. whether it be a solution or how to handle distancing myself.

I never said having twins was comparable to having a child with SN, I said that it was similar in the sense that people cant comment on the situation unless they have experienced it which is very different.

ninah and pleasenap yep I get that Im a shitty friend

try not to get too worried, OP - there was clearly no pleasure in the friendship for you. You do sound as if over the years you have done your bit and 'been there' (shudder, hate that phrase) for her lots of times.
Thing with friendship is that it should go both ways at least some of the time and be a pleasure for you, otherwise it's not a friendship but something else entirely.
Don't rise to it if she moans to others about it - if she has 'unfriended' you due to seeing this, she will be hurt and upset and may lash out defensively - I think you will come out of the friendship dignity intact if you display understanding if she's bitter toward you.
And then move on, spend time with people where it's fun for you too.

I hope she didn't read this because I feel quite upset by it and I don't even know you.

I hope what you meant was that you have a friend that you're not actually that close to, but it's hard to break away from her because of her circumstances... Because mostly what you have done is list ways in which her son's disability inconveniances you.

You can't go to the park, you can't go to softplay, he messes up your carpet, you do realize that that is her life? and on top of that, she's got to come to terms with the fact that her child may well never do any of those things.

So yeah, you are a shitty friend, because a real friend would tell her to bring lunch this time, or go to her house, or see her less with kids, but invite her swimming when she wanted to go

tabulahrasa I understand your disgust at me and I probably deserve it but please dont put words in my mouth!
I never said we couldnt go to the park because of her son's disability I said it was because of my twins escaping, I said we couldnt go to softplay and actually get to chat.
I have not put all of this down to his condition at all, I have said there is reasons why some places are difficult to visit on both sides!

And yes I do know that her life isnt going to be easy.

I accept I am a shitty friend but I dont think its fair to make out I am dumping her because of her son's condition because that is very unfair and not the case at all. I gave the full story thats all, I am very good and not getting things over in the way they are meant but I also know on here that you get flamed for revealing things by stealth so tried to include everything.

OP I think you've had a tough time on this thread actually.

I can see both sides of the coin as it were as I havea DC with SN but also friends whose DC can be a bit challenging, turn up, outstay their welcome and leave the house in a tip after demanding the contents of the cupboards.

Give and take is essential in a friendship and it sounded as if you felt you were giving more than her.

It seems like the situation has been resolved by her deleting you, so any tactics as to how to deal with her sons behavoiur are irrelevant now

Thanks for the people who have been supportive

I have spoken to a mutual friend on facebook and she has disappeared for her too and when I got my DH to search on his account she didnt appear so it may be that she has deleted her entire facebook account.
Obviously that doesnt make things any better

I feel like I need to list some of the things I have done for her in the past to show that Im really not the evil person some of you think I am but its not going to help anything!
The more I think about things the more its clear that the SN has nothing to do with how I feel towards my friend, all its done is highlight to me how I have nothing left to give in this friendship and that is doesnt benefit me at all.

I really have done so much for her in the past, stuff that even very close friends wouldnt always do and I have had nothing back, the more I give the more she takes!

Gonna let this thread die but thanks to everyone who has given their input its much appreciated

OP, I know you're letting this thread go now, but is there anything preventing you from seeing your friend in the evenings, without DC?

I don't think you're evil... and I even said I hope what you meant was about her, rather than her situation

I do think you're underestimating massively how isolating being the parent of a disabled child can be and how much it affects someone - maybe she wasn't a fantastic friend to start with, but everything you've complained about were pretty much to do with her son or things that could easily be resolved (like the lunch thing)

there were a few years there where I know I was moany and needy and outstayed my welcome because it was easier than being at home, thankfully my friends supported me till I was in a better place

obviously you shouldn't stay friends with someone you otherwise wouldn't be just because she's going through a bad patch - but you did make it sound like you just can't cope with the restrictions and problems her son's disability causes you