i can't hold it together

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

i feel like i am coming apart, i can't do it anymore, i am living in hell and i always tried to be a good person, always tried to do the right thing and why is my everyone around me so cruel to me. I feel beset on every side, there is no one i can lean on and my life is just one torment after another. every time i try and cope, someone else puts the knife in, someone else walks away, something else goes wrong, some more bad news.

Just when i am at my lowest, he kicks me some more. i am just such a worthless piece of shit.

I can;t endure anymore. i can;t take it, and there's no way out, no one will lift a sodding finger to help, everyone who is supposed to be close to me sees the horror of my life and just looks me in the eye and makes it worse.

I am such a fucking victim i hate myself and i hate everyone around me. you bastards, how can you treat a human like this? I am a fucking human the same as you, i walk, i talk, i feel, i bleed... let me have even half the right you have to be on this earth, even a quarter, a tiny fucking crumb.

I am just trash, why i am still struggling, i am just fucking trash.

god sorry for this post, its just no one in real life even hears me scream and i am just one big scream and i don;t even exist. god help me.

who is 'he'??

you arent trash ....truly,you arent

Whatever or whoever made you feel this way is wrong.

There are people that can help - one day and one step at a time.

xx

Talk to us Double. What's been going on to make you so very sad?

You are NOT trash

i'm afraid i am, i give up, i can't fight everyone, when everyone around me treats me like i am the scrum under their shoe, you have to think, why bother, am fooling myself, i am just not a person. I sound like a whining bitch i know, but its all so bloody true.

he is h, but its not just him, he's just the most blatant kicker of me.

Hey tell us what is going on, what makes you feel like this?

god i am sorry. making a fuss. i hate myself so much, i feel sick at being in my skin and head.
and am crying and shaking and rocking and i next to sleeping ds and i am such a bad mummy cos he is probably taking all this in and i am ruining him too

its such a long story, everything that could go wrong in my life has, and i am trying and trying to cope and get through it and change myself and get myself out of this hell, and every time i can see a tiny bit of daylight, someone comes along and makes everything 10 times worse, and i just can;t do it anymore, but i know i have to pick myself up and push on and i so want to give up. awful, i even hate ds just a little bit cos if i didn't have him i could top myself but of course i wouldn't for him, but i just really really want to rest. don't worry really not a suicide thread, but its not a great sign when i can be envious of people who could do it.

I felt like you once. My ds was the thing that got me through, knowing I couldn't leave him in that situation. You are not a bad mum, you are struggling and you have asked for help here. There are so many people here who can offer you support. Whatever is going on, please talk to us.

How are you doing now double ? I have eaten a massive packet of pringles.

Is ds asleep now?

You need a heated blanket for starters. [
apocalypse climate emoticon]

Hey you sound like you are suffering from depression, have you seen your doctor? Is the baby young could it be PND?

Talking helps, start from the beginning and work from there.

GET Help now. this is the number for the samaritans- 08457 90 90 90. they are open 24 hours a day. They will be able to put you in touch with people in your area who can help you.

from the top (havent disappeared, just writing long drivelling post)

my mum hates me, always has, i am a failing role, not a person to her. my dad is a weak weak man who hid behind me when i was a child then abandoned me when i grew up except asking for money. saw them easter bank holiday and it made me sad to see how they are.

my sister was lovely but she got iller and iller and no one could explain it and she died 4 years ago, and i haven;t got over her cos she was my whole past, present and future and the reason i exist and the only person that saw me as a person, and watching her painful horrible life was torture.

(d)h is a nasty cruel man with mental health problems, who i've been supporting and sacrificing everything to for 7 yrs (everything being money, solictors bills, loans, emotionally, physical health...). I got pregnant by accident and he went mental and wanted me to kill it, and then when i wouldn't made my life living hell and like the idiot i am i tried and tried and pleaded and took anything he threw at me in the hopes that i'd deserve him and i kept having these little fantasies of reconciliation at the first scan, at the nct meetings, at the birth, when ds came home etc etc etc, and he just got worse and worse.

Health already dodgy I got spd early on, and was in agony, gp did nothing. worked in agony and on crutches in highly stressful job til 39 weeks to even afford a bit of maternity leave. work hate me as they knew i was looking around for another job (as they are mean and bitchy and nothing i do is ever good enough even though am v good at job) when i got preggars, and then promoted me before they knew i was pregnant and never forgave me for it.

ds born and spd pain got dramatically worse, no body listens, turned out hips actually starting to come out of joint as no muscles working in the right way...

6 months of hellish pain and descent into being a cripple finally changed gp, and then got sent off to a number of useless consultants who told me i was making a fuss and its normal birth pains... went back to work as had to, work horrible and since oct have been regularly working til 3am after ds asleep just to try and keep up, and still being told i am rubbish...

h meaner and meaner and also hit me, which tips me over the edge and we split up, but he won't move out... staying on the sofa like a parasite. making me feel like crap every second of every day, but i can't afford full weeks childcare as paying back loans, and theroetically earn too much for any help. dont think declaring self bankrupt would help much and tryoing to get through til next year when main loan paid back.

Fast forwards to this month, finally get a consultant to listen and it turns out my sister had Ehlers Danlos type 4 undiagnosed, so had a death sentence from birth, and i have it too, but maybe/ prob not type 4, just the crippling agony and end up in a wheel chair one... and my baby might have it. Life has been one jolly whirlwind of medical appointments and lots more to come: genetics, specialist physio x 2, pain clinic x 2, heart and lung tests, blood tests, podiatry, pain psychology, and god know want else. Not to mention the physio and acupuncture and councelling i pay for and doing around the edges of my full time job, and working every hour that god sends...

Consultant tells me that i have pushing my body beyond its limits and without slowing down, it doesnt matter how much physio etc i do, my body is in a negative spiral that will end BADLY.

can't see a way out... so at rock bottom? noooo, work decide to kick up a fuss as apparently am not doing my job properly as if am not in the office 24/7 i can;t manage my teams and they are feeling lost. Make it clear that the one person who was lost is far more important that she was worried about what she had to do that day rather than my health and actual life.

legal advice, meetings, fighting battle on this front too... rock bottom? noooo... according to h i deserve everything and i am making it up and i should support him, clear up after him, and let him live in a way that leaves me in so much pain everyday... and then asks for f*cking money on top of that... rock bottom? nooo, i think pain consultant has prescribed me wrong pain drugs which interact with the anti-ds i am on... feel awful and not taking them as make everything v trippy.

have been having counselling as am determined never to be treated lilke this again by anyone... but i can't do anything about it as every which way i turn someone else is screwing me over and demanding their piece of flesh...

have started cancelling medical appointments just to keep my job, and i just don't know how to carry on...

have been trying to ask support off friends, and i get a load of sympathy in that moment, and then its like i never said anything... and they look surprised if i ever bring it up again...

Hey sweetheart, you are NOT worthless, or trash. Truly you are not.

pringles sound nice... for bread and marmite. i am scared to go out of the bedroom as h might be still here. not scared for safety, scared as i feel so fragile if he even breathes on me i will collapse...

sorry i've made the only people to be nice to me die of wordy posting spam

OMG am so so sorry you are going through so much.

Is your property rented and whose name is it in?

If it is rented can you rent another and move out when the asshole isn't there leaving him with nowhere to live? Or is the place mortgaged?

You need to work on one thing at a time, and get one thing sorted out at a time.

I would say that your health should come first but I think you need to get rid of the leach first and then work on the rest.

YOu can get an IVA to sort the debt and make it manageable if you have to, or if you have no property bankrupt yourself for a year and lose the debt, but you might earn too much to get away with not paying anything back.

But one step at a time, and baby steps.

What bothers you the most, what is the thing that causes you the most grief?

Oh, your anti-depressants arent working, go back to the doctor or do a phone consult and tell them they aren't working, you need to be strong, being on anti'd's that don't work won't cut it and won't help you.

Gosh, Double, you have indeed been through a lot. Big hugs.

Some practical advice maybe:

1. Go to those medical appointments. If you have a half decent employer they wouldn't want you to do anything else and the law should protect you a bit. You have nothing if you don't have your health.

1. If your (D)H hits you and you want him out but he won't leave, then contact Women's Aid for advice.

1. You are so not rubbish. You need to hang on in there for DS and for yourself. It WILL get better.

Thinking of you.

Thats an awful lot of shit going on, no wonder you feel so lost and miserable. Anybody would in those circumstances.

I think you need to contact womens aid, as they will be able to advise you and help you to get back on an upward spiral. There is a lot in that post that you CAN deal with and there are people who can and will be able to help you.

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much at the moment. It would be so difficult to constantly feel like you're finally getting somewhere a bit more positive, and then have something else bad happen that brings you down again. You're showing a lot of strength and resilience just keeping yourself afloat and keeping yourself around for your son. I know you probably resent the fact that you have to keep going, but I admire your strength.

Please feel free to talk here - I won't be around for much longer today, but I'm sure others would be willing to talk and listen on this thread. We might not be real people in your life supporting you, but we are still real people at our computers who care and are willing to listen.

It sounds like you're in a very dark and painful place at the moment. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your feelings can and will change, and the most important thing is to keep holding on and reaching out for support in your real life. A telephone counselling service or real-life counselling of some sort might be really important as a first step. When things look so dark it can be so hard to shift from that mental state without any help.

Seems like you have some crappy people around you, too. I know you probably don't believe it, but they're the crappy people who treat others like shit - that doesn't make you a shit person. If you had a friend in your situation who confided in you, what would you tell them?

Thinking of you. xxx

Sorry, I posted before seeing your new update. Will read it now. :)

Firstly, talk to Women's AId about getting your abusive H out of the house. He's hit you, it should be easy enough to get him evicted.
Secondly, I don't know what your line of work is, but are you in a union? If you are, talk to your union rep about the way you are being treated: you should not be skipping medical appointments because you have been threatened with the sack if you take time off for them. If you are not in the union, maybe the CAB or a community legal centre would be a good place to ask for advice. I am not a lawyer or an expert on employment law, but companies are not allowed to get rid of people for being ill or disabled - at least, they are not allowed to do so by bullying the employee out of the job.

I appreciate that you are having a horrible time but I have to say you do sound good and feisty, and maybe thinking about the fact that you do have some legal recourse over some of the people who are mistreating you might help you feel better.
Best of luck.

doublelife, did i read a thread you wrote about having a good counsellor who was trying to help you with cognitive dissonance type issues?

apologies if i have mistaken but it sounds familiar.

you are doing amazingly well to cope with all this, you are brilliant to keep going under these circumstances (as eleanor roosevelt said, women are teabags, you never know how strong they are until you put them in hot water) and i hope you can get the correct help you need - please keep asking in RL for all the help you deserve.

sorry i am very tired after 4 nights of very little sleep and this is a shite post, but i wanted you to know that i care, you should never think such things about yourself, i think you sound very loyal and caring and your son will be fine as long as you get help you need.

thank you everyone. I feel all wrung out now, and being more sensible. fighting spirit glimmering in between the defeat again. I am just so tired of fighting and fighting in quicksand... the more you fight the quicker you sink. Dont know how many more times I can pick myself up, dust myself off and just get through another night, or another day... let alone actually do something constructive rather than just getting through each minute...

wanted to get h out without extreme measures as he needs to look after ds 2 days a week in order for me not to go bankrupt anyway, without even thinking about reducing work load etc. but i guess i can;t carry on doing this... if this is a war of attrition, he is winning, but with you lovely mumsnetters behind me, the prize won;t be broken me, it will be chucked out him (and broken me, but at least there will be chucking out too).

one last go.... give it 3 weeks, and if he's not out, then i have to be drastic.

want to reply to everyone, as so many good points and trains of thought, but really can;t just now, hope you dont mind. just 3 things:

• toomuchmonth, yep, thats me, have got sidetracked by life overwhelming me, but that threads is/was so useful in trying to get me to focus on changing myself, so i can never ever let anyone treat me like this again... slow progress though and sessions run out in a couple of weeks :-( its feeling too hard to change at the moment, v defeated

• springChickenGoldBrass yes, you are indeed right, i am fiesty usually, but this is my moment of giving up and throwing in the towel, so its a little bit amusing that you got fiesty from that. wry smile.

• fabbychic do you think anti-ds arent working? i am clinging to them more than i'd like, as feel they the only things that keeping me going, however, i just figured that chemicals can only prop me up against the tsunami of dirt being thrown at me... you got me thinking now...

feel really bad not replying to anything else, am sorry you are the only people who have made me feel real in a couple of weeks, and not just someone elses bad dream

So good to hear you're feeling a bit better. I can totally understand why you'd be feeling absolutely overwhelmed/ despairing. Glad you're receiving counselling too. Sounds like your husband is more of a burden as your "partner" than if you were alone. Three weeks will go quickly, hope you manage to get him out of the house. Without him dragging you down constantly you'd have a much stronger sense of self-worth and a sense that there is a "safe place" for you to retreat to (i.e., your home). I'm sorry to hear about your health problems. I know how upsetting it can be to feel like your body is failing you, and you have no control over it.

Hope you continue to feel better, like I said, you sound very strong/ resilient, even if you don't feel like you are.