i can't hold it together

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

i feel like i am coming apart, i can't do it anymore, i am living in hell and i always tried to be a good person, always tried to do the right thing and why is my everyone around me so cruel to me. I feel beset on every side, there is no one i can lean on and my life is just one torment after another. every time i try and cope, someone else puts the knife in, someone else walks away, something else goes wrong, some more bad news.

Just when i am at my lowest, he kicks me some more. i am just such a worthless piece of shit.

I can;t endure anymore. i can;t take it, and there's no way out, no one will lift a sodding finger to help, everyone who is supposed to be close to me sees the horror of my life and just looks me in the eye and makes it worse.

I am such a fucking victim i hate myself and i hate everyone around me. you bastards, how can you treat a human like this? I am a fucking human the same as you, i walk, i talk, i feel, i bleed... let me have even half the right you have to be on this earth, even a quarter, a tiny fucking crumb.

I am just trash, why i am still struggling, i am just fucking trash.

god sorry for this post, its just no one in real life even hears me scream and i am just one big scream and i don;t even exist. god help me.

Honey, you do really have so very much going on in your life, of course it's going to get to you sometimes. As the others here say, take it all step by step, break it down and try and work out what you need to deal with first.

If the H so much as raises a finger against you, call the police and get him removed, just having a safe calm space will help you get some peace, and relax a little. Having these parasites in our homes saps all our strength, all our reasoning and it has real physical effects on us.

In the meantime, post back here and we'll try and help you unravel what is most pressing and what can wait/beyond our control.

I don't think anti d's are going to make a blind bit of difference if you are already living in hell. I thought anti-ds would improve my mood and make me cope better. I am living a very similar life to you right now but with two children, one disabled and I too feel like you do. Periods of desperation where I feel like ending it all but I just cannot do that to my children.
My pathetic excuse for a partner seems to enjoy dangling me by a string. In one week he will be the kindest most helpful man ever and then he will in the blink of an eye turn into a raging sadistic horrible asshole. I have an illness which he seems to think is akin to the common cold and deserves no sympathy and no sensitivity. My illness is permanent and incurable and I suffer severely with fatigue and pain. He doesn't care unless it suits him to or he is getting something out of it. He told me to go to bed because I said I was struggling with pain and then because I was there two hours he decided to blare music through the ceiling to purposly wake me up rather than come into the room to wake me with respect. And because I objected he called me names and roared abuse at me.

Like you I've tried to make him leave. I've tried to end it. I've tried to find a way out but I keep backing down a combination of weakness, and feeling terrified.

Hang in there because I am trying to find my way out myself and I want you to know that you're not alone. There are others out there like you just trapped in a nightmare they hope one day to get out of.

I'm sorry, I don't have any truly useful words, but your post just made me so incredibly sad. You sound like you have massive amounts of strength, I couldn't imagine going even through half of what you've been through and still manage to keep myself going. I truly admire you & will be thinking of you. Hug

Thank you everyone, you make me feel like I exist

EVeryone of us exists, and you are in need of our love and support, this may be strangers on the internet, but we are all real and we all feel your pain.

ADs won't wave a magic wand, the last thing you need is a drug to make you cope with others abusing you. You need to get them out of your life, all of them.

you know that really, but a bit of human kindness goes a long way doesn't it and your RL seems a little lacking in that respect at the moment.

MN never sleeps, so whenever we can help, please let us?

Thank you herhissyness, have had a very long few days of people treating my terribly & I've just gone into head down mode which is bad cos it's me subjugating myself for them & getting v v upset about it. Am surrounded my people who are just full of what they want & kicking up a fuss when I don't come up to their expectations. I feel so hopeless & so insignificant.

Trouble is depression can cloud our judgement, are you sure they are being rude or is it your depression taking umbrage where none was meant really?

Not denying you your anger, but asking you to look at events with a clear head.

If they are being rude, call them out on it. If the is an inch of wiggle room/latitude for you to be able to give them the benefit of the doubt, please try to do so, and do it knowing that this is the way to recover, to not get so hot and cold about things. Black and white thinking is the backbone of Depression, it is such an irrational illness, if you can aim for some grey, you can start to remove the sting from it's tail.

thinking of you

interesting and sad.

I am not angry, i am hopeless, helpless and crushed. If i was angry i think it would be healthier.

When i first read that last post, my immediate reaction was not to come back to the thread, felt very invalidated and like i had to put up and shut up on here as well as in real life. But have caught myself feeling like this and thought about why, and i have an answer...

no, its not the depression talking, its the situation making me depressed. I felt invalidated as i've spent all my life letting people treat me like utter crap and feeling like i have no rights, no equality, no humanity. And I am increasingly feeling backed into a corner of cope with the uncopeable... or i'll have failed and i am mentally ill and its no ones fault but my own... do you see why i had such a strong knee jerk reaction to your post?

Two things are happening - i CANT cope with the amount of shit being piled on me, physically or mentally, but also at the same time i am starting to have a glimmer of self respect and realising i SHOULDNT cope with it either... thats causing sooooo much tension in nearly every single one of my daily contexts, as people can feel i am different somehow, and that i am expecting more of them, and they don;t like it one bit.

and its bloody awful.

I have invited people to treat me like a lower life form through every pore of my being, and i have sacrificed everything of myself for others, undeserving or not, the 'slave girl' type of behaviours are my default position. And people respond by taking advantage of me, treating me appallingly, then acting like this is normal and they have a right to... and its the hardest thing to get out of. I think a clean break would help, but not in a position to do that... so i struggle on slowly losing the will to live. Yesterday was the first day that i have come home and felt no solace holding my baby... its an awful thing.

I think if I was in your position I'd seriously consider jacking in the job and going to a refuge.

Your priorities should be you and your sons health and emotional wellbeing.

I am just so sad that you have such little/no support.

So sorry that I can't actually be of any help.

Please don't think i was invalidating your situation, I was merely asking you to question it. Depression is all about the appearance of slight/upset/umbrage, sometimes it's just that. It can go 2 ways either rage or utter despair. If you have not been allowed to take a stance in the past then I can see why the depression would cause you to cave in and shrink back from asserting yourself.

Stop. Just stop. Take a breath and separate all the different elements in your life and look at them individually.

Without specifics, it's hard to give you practical help, but can you tell us what the largest situation is that you find hard to cope with? Is it work? Can we look at that first and see how we can help you organise your feelings, sort out what is real and what is the depression manipulating into the crushing mountain before you. I think you need to get signed off for a couple of weeks.

It could be, if we go through specifics, that you are being unfairly treated and that we can support you in getting matters put right with your HR or whatever.

I am here to try to help, not to dismantle or upset you, if I have, I never meant to, and I apologise.

to give you concrete examples of treating me like shit:

Worked til 1:30 am on thurs night/ friday morning. wrote email to hr saying i had done myself some damage by doing this and was working from home on friday. very brave step of me, grudging mail back saying they guessed that was ok. My teams didn;t like that much and kicked up a fuss about 'not being supported'.

Their needs always come before mine - which is explained as cos i am more senior, its my job to look after them, which feels true, until i reliase that when i was junior, more senior peoples needs got put above mine cos i was junior and not as important... Wrote copious mails to them laying out exactly what the plan was, think i have reassured them again.

On friday worked til 3:30am. On saturday I employed a babysitter for the day in order to work £80 of my money just to get a presentation well on the way, as couldn't face trying to get my teams to do it, as they are so stroppy and awkward. I also wrte them a mail explaining (re explaining) how ill i was and that i needed their support (dont know what else to do to get them to stop acting like mean adolescents).

Sunday, i had arranged with h for him to take ds for the day so i could work (and take a shower - hadn;t even had time to wash hair for 6 days). H sprung on me that he wanted to go out so i arranged a 'work around option' where i went to a cafe for half the time originally agreed on, then waited til ds was asleep and carried on into the night.

texted friend and said i was having a really hard time and really struggling (she knows about illness and h and work stress), and asked if we could meet for coffee. She just texts back with a no she's on holiday then... no are you ok, can we do it another time, whats happening. this is what happens when i reach out for help.

H promised he'd be back at 11pm, and take ds for the night so i could get some uninterrupted sleep. H not only doesn't come back at 11, he doesn't return til 9am the next day, which makes me late for work, and shattered. walking dead.

Monday at work, take team through the work i'd done over the weekend, expecting some sort of relief/ thanks/ pleasedness... got a barrage of criticism and whining and negativity... took all day to get them to the point where they understood and agreed with the presentation, even a little bit (btw, i know its good, i do at least know i am good at that bit of my job). Discussed this with nice colleague and came to conclusion its cos the team are spitting out their collective dummie cos they are pissed off that I can;t cossett and cocoon them, and rather than step up to the mark, they are whining that mummy is mean...

MD won;t smile at me a few times when we walk past each other - she's def pissed off at something, i suspect she's preparing to launch another attack on me... instead of being supportive over illness, they are ignoring it and criticising that i am not firing on all cylinders... nothing i say about illness sinks in. I have started trying to do things more by mail to leave a bit of a paper trail, as i think they want to push me out rather than give me any support and help to do my job.

Tues went to a presentation... i can see its been massively based on my work, no acknowledgement, no credit, not even allowed to participate... thats just the discourse of me...

Team got stressed this afternoon cos i wasn;t around - flurry of mails and calls all panicking and irritated... in spite of the fact that i had told them i was at this presentation, then had 2 meetings back to back in the afternoon... as a matter of fact had finished meetings and was at hosp appointment... but either way... they had been TOLD. ffs.

bed breaks (not sleepable on). phone landlord and he keeps trying to dismiss it as not important. finally agrees to come round monday to look at it (not to repair or replace it, oh no, just to look)... sleeping on floor til then.

can;t get doctors appointment. receptionists not helfpul... gp booked up for 3 weeks and they not allowed to make any more appointments...

fucking tired, fucking miserable. nearly every interaction is a struggle... maybe a small struggle, but when everything is a struggle it adds up...

herhissyness i know you didn't mean to upset me. i was just a bit proud i managed to decoide why it did upset me! but proud gone and depressed again now after writing the litany of tiny struggles...

Are you managing design/creative or similar by any chance?

Could you arrange an unpaid break from work, actually I'd consider getting signed off sick with stress and chronic pain.

As you are renting I would up and leave your h, using a hostel.

You seem to be putting your job before your health and as a single parent I don't think you can afford to do that

Do you belong to a union?

It's OK Double, you DID do well to isolate what is bugging you! that IS something to be proud of.

Actually so is writing it all down, separating it.

OK. Work: Some employers can deal with MH issues, others can't. Once you recognise which camp each person fits into, you will understand where your support is. WTF are you doing working until 1.30am and 3.30am on consecutive nights?

You need to find a sympathetic ear and tell them straight, this madness has to stop or you are going to fall over. You WILL NOT allow this to happen.

You are depressed, you are a mother of a baby, and you are depressed. Something has to give, you need more support NOW, or a lightening of the load with immediate effect or there could be a disaster.

Home: Your H needs a shake too. What on EARTH was he doing staying out when he knows how tired you are and how much you needed to (a) get a break and (be) get work done. Why could he not say I'll stick to the ffing plan and take your DS off your hands as he has agreed. You need to sit him down and read him the above same speech as I detail for your work actually.

HerHissyness its a brand consultancy/ agency type thing, so not far off actually...

Cargirl, i am putting work / money before health as i will go under if dont have wage, and we'll be homeless and bankrupt and that isnt good for ds either.
GP would sign me off in a flash (if i ever got an appointment with her), but only get 2 weeks sick leave paid. and if i left things undone before i went they'd trash my reputation even more, and life will be even worse...

Have a small back operation on the 29th of may... have told them am taking the rest of the week off. i am looking forwards to it!

no union... i got legal advice as company skating very close to the wind on how they are treating people... actually am leaving a paper trail as if they try and get rid of me/ make life even worse, i can try and get them to give me a bit of a pay off if possible...

which remidns me, i have to send them an email responding to a meeting with hr...

Guess what I did for a living for 12 years????? Exactly that!

You need help to get someone in prior to your back op. Are you AD level? then you need to get the SAM/AMs to step up. Can you pull the project into more manageable chunks and delegate.

TBH if you get 2wks sick leave, on the 29th, you need to be ready to take both of the weeks. one to get over the op, and the second to give yourself a bit of space and time to recover your spirit.

Double, I have to go to bed, been sleeping at silly oclock myself lately, and am really running on empty.

You too darling are exhausted, even without depression and everything else you have to face you would be feeling utter despair, please understand that. your feelings are justified on the lack of sleep alone! please turn in and try to rest a bit?

Read through your posts as you would anyone elses, you are seemingly justified in everything you say, YOU KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT! So please feel that strength and be brave.

PM me if you want to talk specifics, I'll help you all I can. Have created, managed and implemented brands across all media, print and environments. 3x consecutive DBA winning projects dontya know.... I may be rusty, been out of that rat race since 03, but if I can lend you any virtual support/thinking space what have you, don't think twice?