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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

texting affair or is it nothing ??

42 replies

zsazsa123 · 03/05/2011 18:12

ive been with my dh for 15 yrs have one dd whos 13 , when she was about 1 i found a letter from another woman lets call her jane which was basically a love letter saying how i was "oblivious " to the reletionship they had , and couldnt believe i was pregnant and had valued their "friendship " and was sorry they would have to stop it now i was pregnant , as you can imagine i was devasted i was oblivious to all of this , i phoned dh at work he come home told me it was nothing they were just friends and are no longer friends so nothing to worry about !! i tried to move on but never quite believed him the same , fast forward about 2/3 yrs i found a text from someone on his phone asking if he" was gonna stay with me and dh or what " he said it was someone else , however it wasnt, it was plain jane agian !! ( yes maybe being bitchy but she really is no oil painting ) this basically has gone on for 9ish years since ive found various texts emails etc saying everything from i love you ,to i hate you on both parts mostly hers , he is prob just better at deleting his outbox though !! he always denies theres anything going on , theyre just friends !! i know typing this i sound crazy for believing this rubbish or am i ??? please any advice greatly appreciated xx

OP posts:
Kimberjem · 03/05/2011 18:19

oh goodness, hope someone comes along with more experience but my take would be he is having an affair with her, has been for a long time and has fed her a pack of lies, perhaps trying to break it off when you got pregnant etc but keeps going back. Sorry you are in this situation and I would start by telling him you simply don't believe him and you have plenty of evidence to suggest what he is saying is complete b**locks. it can make you feel crazy when someone just keeps on lying to you but your not.
In my experience when it boils down to a choice of another woman being totally psychotic or you having been fed a pack of lies it is always the latter.

Original poster
zsazsa123 · 03/05/2011 18:22

thanks for your reply , think youre prob right xx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 18:28

good God, you need to even ask ?

I am very sorry love, but you have been played for several years it seems

so has she

has this bloke got a golden cock or something ? Confused

I never normally advocating contacting a "OW" but I think in this case, it is probably justified and will be very illuminating

I certainly expect his other life will come crashing down around his ears and he will become a broken man in need of your help and support < sigh >

I also predict a suicide threat in oooh, let's see, about 3.5 days

stick around, I think you will need some support

have you someone to get some support from in RL ?

FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 18:35

Your husband has been living a lie for 9 years, playing you off against the other women, she knows about you but he is lying to both of you.

Get her number, call her and find out what he has been telling her, then fuck him off.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 18:36

both these women need to dump this bloke from a very large height

he is like a dog wih 2 dicks, and needs to feel the consequences of his deception and arrogance very harshly by losing everything

Original poster
zsazsa123 · 03/05/2011 18:37

i have contacted the ow in the past and she too denied everything !! said ask dh !! shes really not very approachable i dislike everything about this situation im a very very honest person and am so naive when it comes to thinking people can lie so blatantly , ive told a few friends but have really just become very self sufficient in delaing with this mess , thanks for reading xx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 18:40

what are you going to do zsazsa ?

and why is it up to you to "deal with this mess" ??

Original poster
zsazsa123 · 03/05/2011 18:41

ive not found any messages etc for a while now , prob cos dh guards his phone with his life lol !! but the reason i feel so confused at the min is cos dh wants to try for another baby and i know it may seem crazy to think of this but im nearly 40 and feel like im in last chance saloon , i would have loved more kids years ago but he was too busy texting lol !!! ( he did always want more kids then too ,, but obviously i wasnt thinking it was a good idea )

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 18:43

christ, I'm out

good luck, love

FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 19:03

I don't think having another baby is going to solve your marriage problems, he has been cheating for nine years.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 03/05/2011 22:55

He's been cheating on you for 9 years. I wouldn't try for a baby but I would check for an STI.

ohmyfucksy · 03/05/2011 23:16

You know what's been going on, it's obvious. So divorce him. Or don't.

You don't actually seem that upset by the whole thing. What do you want?

wileycoyote · 03/05/2011 23:25

Maybe you don't mind that much? Do you feel loved/cared for?

welshbyrd · 04/05/2011 08:19

I think you know what has been going on for the last 9 years, your DH knows you know also

From your DHs point of view, you have known all this time, and done nothing about it/ignored it. Im far from saying he is right, the fact you have constantly given him the benefit of the doubt, when it is very clear what has been going on, leads him to think that you have put up with it for so long, why does he need to stop?

Im afraid only way you are going to stop him cheating on you, is to get rid, even if you give him an ultimatum, after 9 years, I really don"t think he will take the threat seriously!!!

welshbyrd · 04/05/2011 08:26

And I am also agreeing with the majority here, Do NOT try for another baby with this man

If you are seriously considering this, and ignoring the last 9years of him cheating, then no wonder you DH has cheated on you for so long.

He never stopped for your previous DC, a future baby will not stop him either

Im sad to say, I think you will stay with your DH, and continue to ignore his affair with this woman for another 9 years to come

Good point wileycoyote perhaps OP does not mind

OP - what in your opinion is considered unacceptable in a relationship?

ENormaSnob · 04/05/2011 08:30

You are being played as a fool.

Grab some self respect and do something about it.

Original poster
zsazsa123 · 04/05/2011 08:57

thanks ladies for all of your replies , as a couple of you have said i dont seem that bothered think ive got so used to the situation ive started to accept its normal which it of course isnt ! my life apart from this grey area is pretty good , i know to have another baby is not going to be a good idea , he has assured me they havent been in touch for over a year , and shes met someone else i dont really care anymore anyway feel nothing else could shock or hurt me anymore than they already have , i think i just wanted confirmation that im not wrong to not believe him , i feel blessed in a lot of other areas of my life so suppose u cant have everything and will have to just see what the future holds , thanks again for all of your replies xxxxx

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 04/05/2011 09:09

You've accepted as normal that your husband has been fucking someone else since your teenage daughter was a baby and you are going to continue to accept this. If you are really happy being in a relationship like this then you wouldn't have posted this. However great the rest of your life is you don't have to accept this. In 5 more years your daughter will be an adult. Can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man once your daughter is grown up?

Original poster
zsazsa123 · 04/05/2011 09:20

im not happy at all with the way he has lied and acted , i think ive just turned my feelings off for the sake of "playing happy families " for my daughters sake , she adores her dad , i know that once my dd is older things will change , i know ive been weak and pathetic to not leave him too scared to go it alone etc , but as you say i cant imagine this life for ever x

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 04/05/2011 10:03

My mum did that by staying with my dad supposedly for my sake. It fucked me up massively and only now, at nearly 30 and after much counselling, am I in a normal relationship after the terrible example that was set to me.

If you choose to stay with him just don't kid yourself that your daughter is benefitting from the example you are setting.

Smum99 · 04/05/2011 11:52

He has allowed you to feel confused about the valid boundaries that should exist in a marriage. It is not appropriate no matter what they say. It was at least an emotional affair. I would suggest you get him to be open with his phone - why is it hidden? thats not normal behaviour, he should agree to go to counselling with you and then maybe you can trust him again.I suspect Jane is with someone else so he has decided to move on but do you really want to have another child with the trust levels you have in the relationship?

My DH's ex had a similar situation - she had a 'friend' but years later it has been confirmed that she had been cheating with him for years. If it looks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck chances are it's a duck!

Bellebelicious · 04/05/2011 12:58

Smum - sorry, but I don't think anything she does will make a difference. This guy is a consummate liar - he's been deceiving her for 9 years and is still doing so. She can't get him to be "open" about anything. He'll just get another simcard or phone. Counselling won't work either - he'll bullshit through it. I think the OP knows that.

ZsaZsa - I understand what you're saying, you've switched off and lost a part of yourself and nothing really seems to matter. Maybe the thought of another baby would give you something to love - an emotional connection, something to make you feel alive? However, it's not a good idea as it will tie you to this man for even longer.

Do you talk to anyone about this in real life? I think you need to get this out in the open with a close friend/counsellor/relative. I think you are losing touch with reality and who you are. Please do think about your daughter too - she will model her relationships on you and your husband.

Can I ask, do you work? Or are you dependent on him?

Original poster
zsazsa123 · 04/05/2011 17:01

thanks ladies , have asked him to be open with his phone to which he replies " its my phone , i dont want anyone checking on me " so thats a bit of a dead end !! he wouldnt go to counselling he doesnt think theres anything wrong he responds to my concerns as if im unreasonable for going on about it !!! he says " ive told you , ive known her for years and she thought we would end up together , thats all " i have confided in friends but dont want to seem needy and bore them with it !! i do work , i have my own buisness however he is the main breadwinner . i do take on board about my dd picking up on things , kept this from her until about 12/18 months ago when the ow phoned our home at about 8am one morning pissed off because i had text her telling her to go to hell !! dd was so devasted about this and i will always feel so awful that she had to find out , im so upset typing this not for myself but for what i have made my dd endure , she is my world xx

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 04/05/2011 17:21

Your dd will certainly grow up thinking it's normal for people in relationships to behave like this, so for her sake as much as your's you must kick your lying, cheating, bastard of a husband into touch!

Both he and his tart of a woman are quite simply taking the piss out of you, as someone else has said get some self respect and ditch the twat.

Your dd will be proud of you one day if you stand up for yourself!

Also, take him for every penny you can!

Doha · 04/05/2011 17:48

There are 3 people and always have been 3 people in this marriage.

Please take control back and stop the suffering of both you and your DD. This is now way for either of you to live, how your poor DD must be feeling is awful. For that alone you must out an end to this charade.

You can do this, get your self respect back, and you are young enough to start over agian, given time, with a partner who is commited to you nad you alone.
This twat must think he is really someone special to have 2 women at his beck and call

NO MORE

do this for your DD if not for yourself. Show her that you do respect yourself and know that you deserve better than your DH.

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