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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

texting affair or is it nothing ??

42 replies

zsazsa123 · 03/05/2011 18:12

ive been with my dh for 15 yrs have one dd whos 13 , when she was about 1 i found a letter from another woman lets call her jane which was basically a love letter saying how i was "oblivious " to the reletionship they had , and couldnt believe i was pregnant and had valued their "friendship " and was sorry they would have to stop it now i was pregnant , as you can imagine i was devasted i was oblivious to all of this , i phoned dh at work he come home told me it was nothing they were just friends and are no longer friends so nothing to worry about !! i tried to move on but never quite believed him the same , fast forward about 2/3 yrs i found a text from someone on his phone asking if he" was gonna stay with me and dh or what " he said it was someone else , however it wasnt, it was plain jane agian !! ( yes maybe being bitchy but she really is no oil painting ) this basically has gone on for 9ish years since ive found various texts emails etc saying everything from i love you ,to i hate you on both parts mostly hers , he is prob just better at deleting his outbox though !! he always denies theres anything going on , theyre just friends !! i know typing this i sound crazy for believing this rubbish or am i ??? please any advice greatly appreciated xx

OP posts:

Original poster

zsazsa123 · 04/05/2011 17:52

what if it has ended ?? and im making a mistake ??

OP posts:

Original poster

zsazsa123 · 04/05/2011 17:54

my daughter is doing well , she doesnt ever mention the phone call and i dont think shes suffering , shes a happy girl x

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HerHissyness · 04/05/2011 17:55

She. phoned. your. HOME???? [hyperventilates] 12m - 18 AGO???

She has utter contempt for you, He has no respect and you seem to be somehow allowing this to continue.

The damage that is being done to your self esteem is NOTHING in comparison to the devastation it is wreaking havoc with her development, this will screw her up as a woman for sure if you don't do something NOW! GET HIM OUT, NOW!!

" ive told you , ive known her for years and she thought we would end up together , thats all " that's all ??? THAT'S ALL ???? THAT'S ALL ?????

That is not fucking all zsazsa, that is not ALL at ALL!!!! That is pack your bags you lying piece of shit, don't EVER dare to come and talk to me again. and GREAT, now you and her CAN end up together, and I WILL take half your assets.

Where is he telling her it's over and meaning it? where is he coming to you and saying I'm sorry? and he wants another DC?????

Seriously love, you need a good shake and he needs a size 6 stiletto up his arse and all his worldly goods in bin bags on the lawn.

Doha · 04/05/2011 17:56

Oh waken up zsazsa
If it had ended he would have given you his phone in a flourish.
This man is a liar, you cannot believe a word that comes out your mouth.
Do you have NO self rspect !!!!

Even the realisation that l had been taken for a fool for 9 years would be enough for me to leave--> and go for an STI check

Doha · 04/05/2011 17:57

oops that should have said > sorrry

HerHissyness · 04/05/2011 17:59

So if he ended it, all these years cheating, lying and skulking about behind your back are OK then are they?

What kind of message would that teach your teenage daughter? She sounds like she is in denial too. Brushed it under the carpet.

There have to be consequences for THIS level of betrayal with absolutely zero contrition, this is GAME OVER. You will never sleep easy again when he's out late, or away with work. Your trust in him, respect and confidence in him are shot to pieces. he is not a man, he is not a husband, nor a father, not if he can do this to the mother of his baby, and carry on with it for over ten years.

now, where's that malibu?

Original poster

zsazsa123 · 04/05/2011 18:03

malibu .... now thats a good idea haha x

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waterrat · 04/05/2011 18:03

if he has ended it why won't he show you his phone? In a normal happy relationship there are no secrets. This man has lied to you for years - and, most importantly, he is not interested in making you feel better. He is not scared of losing you - or worried about hurting you.

He is not sitting down, apologising for his past behaviour and offering to be completely honest from now on, is he? He is still hiding his phone and absolutely unapologetic.

He doesn't care that you are upset - fundamentally that is the sad truth. Im sorry but this relationship sounds absolutely awful and abusive and Im really sad that you have lived like this for so long.

I suggest you sit down with some friends and ask for their advice on how you can get out of this relationship and begin a new, happy life on your own, without this man poisoning your mind. You daughter really needs to see you do this, so that she knows people can make their own happiness and that you dont have to stay in miserable relationships.

waterrat · 04/05/2011 18:04

And if you can I suggest counselling. Go to the BACP website to find someone nearby - and no, I dont mean relationship counselling - I mean therapy, just for you, to talk about why you think this is acceptable and why you have suffered it for so long.

Original poster

zsazsa123 · 04/05/2011 18:11

i think i know what all of you great ladies are saying is right , if someone else told me my story i would be amazed anyone could turn a blind eye as i have for so long , i just cannot seem to get through to him , how it insults my intelligence his lies and utter disregard for his actions , he does half heartedly apologise when i push it but he really does think hes done nothing wrong how can this be ???? i will have to sort this out once and for all , reading all of your replies has made me realise im not unreasonable for wanting to be treated fairly and not lied to , thank you ladies you have all helped me a lot xxxx

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AnyFucker · 04/05/2011 18:14

< sneaks in, throws hissy over her shoulder and drags her out into the light >

waterrat · 04/05/2011 18:29

zsazsa - the mistake you are making is 'trying to get through to him'. He knows what he is doing is wrong. You don't need to convince him - you need to convince yourself that it's okay to say enough is enough.

This is who he is, he is a selfish and unkind man who doesn't care how you feel (sorry to be harsh). He isn't going to suddenly say 'Oh my god, you are right, I hadn't realised Ive been being an arsehole, Im so sorry'. He is deliberately trying to confuse you with his lies.

I suggest you stop focusing on his behaviour and focus on your reaction to it. thats what you are responsible for - and what you have control over.

It's you life - you don't need his permission to find this unacceptable - trust yourself and your own belief that you deserve better.

Original poster

zsazsa123 · 04/05/2011 19:45

waterrat thank you , you are completly spot on with yr advice , i think i just needed someone to put into words what i felt in my mixed up head !! i have wanted for soooo long for him to say "im sorry" and really mean it and to stop his lying ways , a few years ago this would have been my dream come true as i really did love him , i dont love him anymore , nor do i hate him , i just dont really feel anything towards him , we are just like housemates i suppose ,we get on well day to day , have good social life , good holidays , etc , i think thats why ive found it so hard to move on , people on the outside think we are the perfect family , a neighbour only said to me at the weekend how its lovely how the 3 of us are so close , that made me question what people see us like , i suppose im just burying my head to think he will ever change , he is what he is .

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welshbyrd · 04/05/2011 19:57

Im sad to say, I think you will stay with your DH, and continue to ignore his affair with this woman for another 9 years to come

What is in your opinion unacceptable in a relationship?

You have ignored it for 9 years [he knows this], without any consequences.

Whatever ultimatums you give him,after such a long time, he is not going to take any of them seriously

welshbyrd · 04/05/2011 20:24

How does it always seem to be me who kills a thread?

Original poster

zsazsa123 · 05/05/2011 08:36

a big thank to all of you great ladies who took the time to reply to my dilema , am moving forward now the past will be left in the past and im not gonna let this disgusting thing these thoughtless pair have created shadow mine or my dd life anymore xxx

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HerHissyness · 05/05/2011 10:00

Step out from out of the shadow zsazsa, please. Don't settle for this. You don't hate him now, but you will. resentment will creep in and that will kill it all.

What's it going to be like when your DC have left home and it's just you and him?

He's not going to apologise, he doesn't see what he's doing is wrong, because he has zero respect for women, for family life or for his DD. Ultimately he has no respect even for himself. He won't ever change as he feels entitled to have what he wants while others pay the price of his need for sordid gratification.

You can and will do better than this. You are not financially trapped by this man, you can start again on a good footing, and you can clip his wings considerably. Not even this swingeing loss to his financial situation is a deterrent, he literally thinks you are dumb enough to just suck it up!

TELL him you need some space and he has to leave for a while.

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