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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you recommend contacting OW?

34 replies

toomanyeasterbunnies · 03/05/2011 13:37

I'm so angry today. H been having an affair and today I found out that some of the small details that he told me about it were lies and that also he had never used a condom with her. I am just so angry with him and I'm also livid at her and just want her to know what she has done. I've written a text just now and now I am starting to hesitate whether to send it. It would make me feel so much better but I am not sure if I would regret it.

Have you ever contact OW and did you regret it. I'm just full of anger right now.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 13:40

I'm also livid at her and just want her to know what she has done.

Ummm, I know you want to blame her, but she doesnt have any responsibility to YOU. Your husband was not forced I presume.

Did she even know he was married or what lies had he told her?

Contacting her is not going to help the situation even though I understand how furious you must be.

Bellebelicious · 03/05/2011 13:46

I can understand your feelings - but I would not recommend sending a text, as it can be construed as harrassment.

If you want to send her an email, or a letter to explain how the affair has affected you and the lies your H has told you and she has been party to, by all means write one, then leave it for a week and decide if you want to send it. But make sure there are no threats or name calling. If it will make you feel better do it - if not rip it up.

Chances are she doesn't really give a shit how you feel though. Sad

Xales · 03/05/2011 13:54

If she knew he was married and was happy to fuck him without a condom she isn't going to give a shit what you text her so save your dignity.

If she didn't know he was married it is not her fault.

She never made you any promises or vows. She has not broken any promises or vows to you. She doesn't owe you any thing.

Your H did. Is there any chance she could be pregnant?

Get yourself off to a STI clinic ASAP

I am sorry you are having to face this Sad

TobyLerone · 03/05/2011 13:55

Keep your dignity and don't confront her.

As the others have said, it's him who has broken promises to you, not her.

Also second the STI clinic advice.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 03/05/2011 13:55

squeaky - I know what you are saying but apparently she did know he was married and as the old saying goes. "It takes two to tango". I cannot help feel angry at her too.

Belle I think the harassment thing is what is stopping me. The last thing I need is to get into trouble for sending it.

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toomanyeasterbunnies · 03/05/2011 14:00

Xales My H has already had STI tests but is waiting for the results to come back. He initially told me he only slept with her once without a condom the last time he saw her and seeing as we've not had sex since then I didn't get tested.

I suppose I should now though. :(

Apparently, she was on the pill but my H said something about the cancer treatment she was on may have interfered with the pill. Not sure if that is accurate or not though. I don't know what I would do if she is pregnant. :(

OP posts:
Bellebelicious · 03/05/2011 14:00

It is the last thing you need bunnies - and it will bounce off her. I do understand how angry you get - rationally although you know that it's 100% your H's fault, it actually feels like another woman has come into your home and trashed it. It's not logical.

The only text you should consider sending is 'you're welcome to him, you're well suited.' and mean it.

Chuckles78 · 03/05/2011 14:01

Don't do it! If she already knew he was married do you think she'll start feeling bad because you sent her a text? Nah, you're H has probably told her no end of lies about you and made you out to be a nutter - that'll just reinforce that bollocks.

TheOriginalFAB · 03/05/2011 14:02

Surely she knows what she has done?

She has shagged a man without using a condom, could now be pregnant and or have passed on a disease.

You contacting her will just let her know you are rattled.

I would leave well alone and concentrate on your husband as he is the one who has betrayed you. Not her.

cloudybay24 · 03/05/2011 14:05

I contacted OW (I knew her), and I have never regretted it. It was succinct and brief and would have left her with no illusions about what a sl*t I thought she was. It gave me a great deal of satisfcation. Grin

FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 14:07

I have contacted the OW, and found out she had been told a load of lies, that we were split up, that he was only with me because I was pregnant.

Men tell lies, he has probably told her a load of lies.

If it would make you feel better do it, but don't cry or let her see you upset, she may know about you, she may not, he has probably told her a load of lies.

2rebecca · 03/05/2011 14:08

Agree with FAB. I don't understand what you hope to achieve by this text. If she knew he was married she will know "what she has done".
An abusive rant from you will just mean that she can justify her affair as "his wife is an abusive neurotic nutter who has started stalking me".

She is irrelevent to your future. If your marriage is to survive this you nned to focus on your husband and your relationship and what made him have an affair and how you can be sure it won't happen again. Focussing on her just lets him off the hook and doesn't help your future.

ShoutyHamster · 03/05/2011 14:08

Don't do it.

Imagine her smirking as she reads it, enjoying the havoc she's helped create. Not saying that would be her reaction, but you don't KNOW how she feels about what she did, so don't take the chance. Don't show her your upset.

Keep your dignity and mystery. She knows nothing about you except the lies your H will have told her. Keep it that way.

Bellebelicious · 03/05/2011 14:11

Bunnies

Is she having cancer treatment? If so, what sort? It would be extremely inadvisable to get pregnant if you were having chemo or radiotherapy (in fact I'd be amazed if you could have an affair at all during cancer treatment, most people are just too exhausted.)

If she is being treated for cancer (don't know the whole story), then I'm afraid she is probably extremely vulnerable and needed care and affection, not someone to shag her and feed her lots of lies.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/05/2011 14:14

Actually we all have a responsibility not to cause harm to a stranger and her children. The OW is therefore not without blame. I think I know your original thread and therefore as in most cases, the OW certainly did know your H was married with children.

As a general rule, I only ever recommend contacting the OW if it's to verify or find out information and if contact is made it should always be personal and not by text or E mail, but Belle's suggestion about writing a letter that you might never send is a good one, because just writing it all down will be cathartic.

It's also never a good idea to make contact when you are feeling angry, mainly because your perfectly righteous anger might harm you more than her. If or when you ever have contact with this woman, it will give you more satisfaction if you are calm and logical. You also need to anticipate all her possible reactions and the effect they will have on you. You might be too fragile atm for example, to cope with sneering contempt back, or lies from someone with a massive axe to grind, now that the relationship has presumably ended.

You might find it more helpful if you either update your old thread, start a new one about the recovery process, or talk more on this one, because I've seen your posts over the past week or so and I know that you're struggling, a situation with which I have huge empathy.

It is not iniquitous at all to feel angry with the OW, but of course the person most deserving of your anger is your H. Your story demonstrates why drip-feeding the horrible truth is far worse than coming clean straight away. If you are going to survive this, it is essential that you make some new conditions about hearing the whole unvarnished truth now, because every time there is a new horrible revelation, it will take you right back to discovery day and the healing will be frustrated.

ChippingIn · 03/05/2011 14:15

You sound like you are still with your H... if you are, I hope you are getting help re working through it all, it can't be swept under the rug :(

If you are still with H do not send her the text. Do not give her any 'in' to your relationship.

If you aren't with H then if it will make you feel better to tell her what a homewrecking bitch she is, then go for it - just remember, no matter what her part in it was, it was your H who broke his vows.

Flippingebay · 03/05/2011 14:15

You've got to ask yourself 'what will I get out of contacting her'?

Will you believe her? Will she want to talk to you? Will she talk to you? If she doesn't give you the answers your looking for will it just create more questions? You may end up more hurt than before you started. Your looking for answers and you think she will give them to you?

Talk to your partner, your relationship is with him and not her. As tempting as it would be I'd advise against it.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 03/05/2011 14:17

Belle she told my H she had cancer and because of this she was just out to have fun. I don't know what treatment she is on and whether the cancer thing is true or not. I questioned my H about the fact that she must have been vulnerable and needed a shoulder to cry on but my H just keeps saying it was only ever about the sex. It doesn't rest that easy with me though so I'm not sure if I'm still being lied to.

OP posts:
Ishani · 03/05/2011 14:17

If she knew and went ahead she won't care.

2rebecca · 03/05/2011 14:21

Your husband sounds a right prize.
I think I would be less likely to remain in a relationship with a man who could have casual sex with someone who had cancer without caring emotionally about her at all, than with a bloke who "fell in love" with another woman.
At least the latter bloke sounds like a human being not a sex craved automatum.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/05/2011 14:25

There are plenty of OW who want a no-strings-attached affair and feel no guilt whatsoever, so there is absolutely no need for the man to tell them any lies, or to regard them as vulnerable victims of a duplicitous man. Just as often, the only person who is lied to, is the trusting spouse. The stereotype of a needy OW who always falls in love and needs to believe tales of an unhappy marriage, is pretty out-dated, IMO.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 03/05/2011 14:27

WWIFN Yes you've seen my original thread. I name changed as my H had read the thread and I didn't feel able to post freely knowing that he was reading it. You are right and I am struggling at the moment. As you said the latest revelation has put me back right to the start again. I almost feel like I've just found out again. H said he didn't want to make things worse but he knows now that he has to be honest from now on and he then volunteered the information about not using a condom. I just hope he isn't lying about anything else.

I know you are all right in saying to keep my dignity. It's just so hard.

OP posts:
Bellebelicious · 03/05/2011 14:28

So either he had unprotected sex with a mentally unstable woman (who pretends she has cancer) or with a genuinely vulnerable one who has?

Do you think some time apart from your husband would help? I can appreciate that you want to work through this and stay together if possible, but your mental health has to come first now. Can you at least get away for it a bit?

I remember the aftermath when I found out about my H's affair really well, and it is crushing, but mostly as WWIFN says because you don't know the truth and you're trying to make sense of a world that doesn't make sense any more. Maybe a bit of distance might help for a bit? Doesn't mean it's the end, just that you need to take care of yourself and put yourself first.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/05/2011 14:32

Thanks for the identification then. I'm struggling to understand how you have got to this point after the awful things he said to you on discovery and at the end of your original thread tbh.

You need to have a STI test as a matter of urgency. If you had sex with him during the past year, you are vulnerable.

What has he actually done to make you want to try again? What efforts is he making to understand his infidelity and why he gave himself permission to not only be unfaithful, but to risk your health and the OW's pregnancy?

toomanyeasterbunnies · 03/05/2011 15:43

WWIFN What has he actually done to make you want to try again? What efforts is he making to understand his infidelity and why he gave himself permission to not only be unfaithful, but to risk your health and the OW's pregnancy?

He has shown a lot of remorse since my original thread. He basically broke down and opened up about how he was feeling at the time and how he is very ashamed and upset that he has done this and caused me so much pain. He has also been supportive, in that he is answering questions and talking a lot about what has happened. He is also giving me space when I need it. He has told me and I believe him, that he has had no further contact with OW. I have access to his phone, bills, and e-mail accounts. Whether all of this is enough and he should be doing more, I don't know. Confused

I am at the point where I am questioning the fundamental love that I thought I had for him. He is no longer the person I fell in love with and married. I really want to try and fix our relationship. I am not about to throw 15 years together down the drain. I want to be able to say to myself and my DC that I gave it my best shot and tried to make it work.

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