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Original poster

Would you tell a friend the truth?

32 replies

MarioandLuigi · 03/05/2011 10:13

I have a friend who is getting married in July. She is having major second thoughts and has emailled me to ask me if I think she should call the wedding off (even though they have spent loads of money on it).

Now should I tell her that its her choice and that I cant make it for her, or do I tell her what I really think and that she should run a mile?

Her soon to be DH isnt the nicest person, but he is a great dad. They argue all the time, he is controlling and possessive and a terrible drunk.

I want to tell her what I really think, even of it damages our friendship because I want to see her happy.

OP posts:
maxybrown · 03/05/2011 10:18

If my friend asked me, I would say - but not in email.

AKissIsNotAContract · 03/05/2011 10:22

I would tell her, especially as she has asked for your advice. She is clearly having doubts herself if she's asking what you think.

LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 03/05/2011 10:22

Is there anyway you can find out what makes her having second thoughts?
If it is because she think he is a drunk and they argue all the time,then tell her straight that you agree with her.

If it is just a wobble, cold feet, but she think her future DH is fantastic, she probably won't listen to you if you tell her the truth.
Difficult!

ShoutyHamster · 03/05/2011 10:27

In the circumstances - her second thoughts - yes absolutely.

She is asking for your HONEST opinion. She is probably only too aware of what that is, by the sound of it. It sounds like she is reaching out for a bit of help... it must be terrifying trying to get up the courage to make this decision if it's all arranged and money paid out!

All the problems you list are solid reasons why they shouldn't marry - but none of them stop him continuing to be a great dad. Tell her not to confuse the two.

Her not marrying might mean, for example, that she doesn't have to face up to losing her assets in ten years time when he's drunk their money away, or going through a messy divorce because she can't take his controlling nature any more.

madonnawhore · 03/05/2011 10:31

Sounds like she already knows she doesn't want to go through with it for all the reasons you've said, but she needs someone else to validate her legitimate concerns.

I'd tell her the truth. What else can you do? Lie to her?

ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 10:39

Yes i would definately tell her the truth because she obviuosly knows the wedding is a mistake other wise she would not be questionong it, i think as women sometimes you need to hear what you think from someone else to confirm what you are thinking, and as she has asked for your advice i would tell her the truth as unfortunatley it sounds as though they will split eventually anyway.

Mamaz0n · 03/05/2011 10:43

"i will support you with whatever you choose, but i do wonder if maybe these second thoughts are a hint to what you know deep down. I will admit to feeling a little uneasy about the way he controls and possesses you, not to mention when he is drunk. He is a great dad, but i wonder if he will make a good husband. But essentially you need to follow your heart whilst also taking advice from your head. "

summat like that

FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 10:45

I'd ask her why she is having second thoughts? Ask her if she is happy and can she see herself spending the rest of her life with him, if she can't then she should call it off.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/05/2011 10:46

I think... I think telling her the truth straight is likely to be counter-productive. Nobody wants to hear they've got themselves shackled to a shit partner. She will go into defensive mode, as I'm sure you would if another friend started criticising someone you loved. But what kind of friend would just let her blunder blindly on to disaster? Delicate balancing act called for. It is her choice and you can't make it for her, but you do have opinions, by the sound of it very well based opinions. (Wish I had a pound for every time "he's a great dad" was used to excuse a man who had absolutely nothing else going for him, and you do have to wonder how much time he has to be great in between being drunk and arguing with his fiancée.) I dunno... would it help to say "I wouldn't marry him myself, but it's your choice of course"? "If you're having doubts why not postpone, you can always marry later and if he truly cares he'll wait for you"? Tell her it is not too late, that she should not marry unless she is sure, that it doesn't matter what other people think as it's her wedding, not theirs; although most of them will probably understand. You're a long time married, and divorce is a lot more expensive than even the poshest wedding.

If he's on a detox or anger management programme it would make sense to wait for the results before rushing into marriage, though I dare say he'd claim he needs her support and she will be expected to prove it by marrying him, demons and all (whereupon he will have no incentive to carry on with the programme).

Are they her children he's (allegedly) a great dad to, or his and somebody else's?

Last thought: controlling, possessive partners can't be changed. They will only change if they choose to (and generally have to work on it damned hard, usually with third party help). But why should they choose to change into Mr (or Mrs) Nice when being controlling and possessive gets them what they want? Why should they accept blame when there's a handy spouse to blame it all on? Why should they fight the Demon Drink when they have someone else to mop up after them, change the bed linen and tell cover stories to the neighbours? If he's not nice now he won't get nicer unless he wants to, and the chances of him wanting to are extremely small.

zikes · 03/05/2011 10:47

I think you should talk to her in person if you possibly can, and yes, I think you should tell her the truth.

Losing the money & the embarrassment of not going through the wedding are nothing compared to having to go through a divorce, or indeed suffering through what sounds like a horrible relationship.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/05/2011 10:47

Damn those italics.

garlicbutter · 03/05/2011 10:54

I needed someone to tell me they could see I had more than cold feet. That, although it's always difficult to change a big decision, my main responsibility is to my own happiness - and other people will respect that. Better to call it off than to feel anxious and trapped for however long afterwards.

I would also have appreciated someone saying "I don't like the way he treats you." I felt I was 'wrong' for feeling the way I did; some validation would have been a huge relief!

flipflopfly · 03/05/2011 11:03

Absolutely has to be done face to face - and if distance makes that impossible then by phone. Emails and text are great inventions but are absolutely awful for situations like this. You're also far more likely to maintain the friendship if you talk this through than put it writing.
But apart from that honesty has to be the way to go but also let her talk - maybe she wants help on encouraging him to seek help for his drink problem as opposed to cancelling the wedding outright. Find out what is on her mind and then give her the best advice - and the most honest advice - you can

spooktrain · 03/05/2011 11:15

tell her the truth.
he's not going to change, indeed he will probably only get worse - tell her this should be the HAPPIEST time of her life.
Does she have low expectations of relationships generally?
How long has she been with this man?
possessive+controlling+constant arguments+a terrible drunk just doesn't add up to 'great dad' in my book
(and are also red flags for potential DV)

I've just had a conversation with a friend who is now getting divorced after a 10 year marriage (and 2 DCs). It came out that all our group of friends privately thought she was throwing herself away on this man (me included). Now at the time she never asked, said she was wildly happy and in love and had an enormous wedding etc so no-one said anything. Now she says she wishes we'd said something...

Original poster
MarioandLuigi · 03/05/2011 11:18

No, I would definately do it face to face, I am meeting her for a coffee tomorrow.

About a month ago I stuck my neck out and asked her if she wanted to live like this forever, and put her DC's through this. We havent spoken since then and I think she thought I was speaking out of turn, so I have already paved the way.

I know she isnt happy, I know that she is fed up and she has said a couple of times that she hates him, but I also think she thinks getting married will fix it.

OP posts:
zikes · 03/05/2011 11:26

Oh god no Sad (to her thinking getting married will fix it), if he's the type of man who acts like she's his property now, marriage'll just confirm it to him.

ENormaSnob · 03/05/2011 11:49

Tell her the truth.

vintageteacups · 03/05/2011 11:56

Ask her what doubts she has and then tell her (IYO) the pros and cons of marrying him:

pro - he's a great dad

cons - all the rest...

Then explain that only she can make the decision but that wou will support her whatever she decides Smile

garlicbutter · 03/05/2011 12:14

Not entirely sure he'll be a great dad. It can't be good to give DCs a relationship model that includes controlling, bickering and nasty drunkenness. Plus, controllers inevitably start to control the children, and can be monstrous when the kids begin asserting their individuality.

NorthernerAtHeart · 03/05/2011 12:17

I wish someone had been as honest as you are being, before I got married. I never asked anyone directly, so only have myself to blame in that respect.

5 years later, on the brink of splitting, 8 years together, and DM has commented that I haven't been myself for 8 years. Why didn't she tell me then? Or anytime in between?

You said a few honest things to her a while back. She has taken some time to mull them over, and now is asking you directly. My guess is that she WANT and NEEDS you to give your honest opinion. It will her the escape route that she needs.

You sound like a true friend. Be ready to accept her possibly getting upset and not talking to you for a while, but be there for her when she needs you again.

I hope it goes well tomorrow.

oohlaalaa · 03/05/2011 12:26

I wouldnt say anything sorry.

madonnawhore · 03/05/2011 12:51

oohlaalaa, why not?

I couldn't let a friend of mine go ahead with a marriage knowing she was unhappy and the bloke was a twat.

SueSylvesterforPM · 03/05/2011 13:20

I woulnt encourage her to marry an nasty drunk it will eventually manifest itself towards the kids Its just a matter of time.

ninja · 03/05/2011 13:20

I agree wholeheartedly with Northerner [sad} - splitting up after married for 7, together for 17 Blush

Wish someone else had told me that they knew he was a controlling twat

If she doesn't look forward to the rest of her life with him, if it's just for the kids ..... it's not right

Better to decide that now

fartingfran · 03/05/2011 13:33

Be honest. You're her friend, not her yes man. And whatever the outcome of your honesty make it crystal clear to her that you will be there for her, no "I told you so", just support if she needs it.

If you aren't honest, when she has asked you to be, then how will you feel watching her and her DC endure the inevitable marriage breakdown? She's asking you because she already knows what you'll say and she needs the objective validation of her feelings that you can offer.