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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell a friend the truth?

32 replies

MarioandLuigi · 03/05/2011 10:13

I have a friend who is getting married in July. She is having major second thoughts and has emailled me to ask me if I think she should call the wedding off (even though they have spent loads of money on it).

Now should I tell her that its her choice and that I cant make it for her, or do I tell her what I really think and that she should run a mile?

Her soon to be DH isnt the nicest person, but he is a great dad. They argue all the time, he is controlling and possessive and a terrible drunk.

I want to tell her what I really think, even of it damages our friendship because I want to see her happy.

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 03/05/2011 13:40

Another here that thinks you should speak your mind.

The other week my Mum was complaining about what a tit one of my exs was and I got quite angry because she never said anything at the time. When you are with someone who is a tit, quite often you are ground down but with this sense that you should do something e.g. leave and it would have been really helpful if my Mum had said "he's a tit, leave him and I'll help you" rather than "what does tit want for xmas" or "should I invite tit's mother round for dinner" trying to make everything 'look' okay.

I made her promise that if DH ever starts displaying even vaguely tit-like behaviour she's to declare it loudly and quickly.

RudeEnglishLady · 03/05/2011 13:40

fartingfran validation - yes, thats it exactly!

mrscantona · 03/05/2011 14:23

My Dh had this with a good pal. When pissed he said "I am having second thoughts etc". My Dh responded by saying " she is complete nightmare, please don't marry her". They split up shortly after and he has never looked back. He occasionally talks about that chat and how it helped confirm all the doubts he was already having. However I have a feeling boys handle this sort of thing much better in general. And there were no kids or other things to consider. If she has voiced some concerns then perhaps this is your way in to say some honest words. Good luck

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/05/2011 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerHissyness · 03/05/2011 19:27

I advocate honesty. I'd not be able, if asked, to tell her it was a good idea when it's clearly not.

davidtennantsmistress · 03/05/2011 19:33

I think i'd be inclined to say look these are your options and literally spell out each senario - try not to be too detatched but likewise not too involved.

ie, he will probably get worse, is it a good environment for your children etc, but then say you can't make the decision for her, you can't say if she should go through with it, but likewise you will support her choice and be there for her eve if it's not nec one you agree with.

a friend of mine's going through similar, and tbh he's got a lot worse in the last 2 years, think she hoped he'd change but never has. these things usually do get worse.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 19:43

yes, I would be honest, along the lines of what mamazon said

she has asked you outright...would she expect you to lie ?

she half-knows what you are going to say already

you sound like a great friend, btw

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