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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Signs that he is still seeing other woman and reasons not to care.

68 replies

Sillyflower · 02/05/2011 22:39

We are separated but living together for the moment.
I am still shruggling with the fact that he had an affair with work colleague. I am also still upset that he No longer loves me and is is leaving. It's been about 4 weeks or so. He says they are were just friends but I read their messages they were much more than friends.

I was away for a couple of nights and when I got back snooped and discovered that they had been to the cinema together whilst I was away.

I also noticed that he has been looking at tons of porn.....!? I am curious if this is normal at the start of a new relationship? Seems like an odd combination. But I am not an expert!

He is still acting suspiciously on phone etc. Which has me on edge all the time.

I asked him outright and he guessed that I had snooped. But still denied everything.

Why am I so fixated with the lying?

I just want the truth. Its killing me.

Do I need to force detachment? Is there a technique?

I know you are all going to tell me it's none of my business and to move on and you are all right. I know I need to accept what has happened and move on.

Is there anyone else who has had similar experience?

I am coping fine in most other respects.

Thanks for reading if you got this far......

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 00:25

nope, not mine

but I may nick use it in future

I did see cuntstruck somewhere today, I think it may have been on a recovering from infidelity thread

I thought that was very fitting (in some cases) if a tad unpleasant to ruminate upon

HerHissyness · 03/05/2011 00:27

He gets nasty, plays into your hands. Call the Police. Ham it up if you have to and get him out.

Legally you have a right to live in peace, you have a right to be respected, if he starts shouting, throwing his weight about, don't even blink. 999.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 00:28

SF, you keep getting the same advice

you won't hear anything different

he won't move out in June

he is feeding you bullshit

you are going to have to get tough, or be here in 6, 12 months time

file for divorce

that will sort it, sooner or later

he will be a shit for a while

but is that any worse than the life you are living now...having your nose rubbed in his shit, day after day ?

why do you tolerate it ?

HerHissyness · 03/05/2011 00:29

Gay40 said something similar circulates in her environs too.

SF, love, what he is doing to you IS pretty appalling. He has no right to snap at you on top. Why can he not do the decent thing, stop hurting you and move on allowing you time to start to heal.

This is torture. It can't go on like this, not until june.

HerHissyness · 03/05/2011 00:30

True, file for divorce, then surely you can legally request he leave your home? get some CAB help.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 00:32

Just your thread title tells the story

you are hung up on him, and his shenanigans, him and his mighty cock

divorce him, make it not your business

because it seems you are unable to detach while he lives under your nose

the mental cruelty is outstanding, but you are letting him do it

you still consider contacting the OW

for what end ?

if there is no future for you two in your eyes, why would that enter your head ?

be honest with yourself, because you ain't fooling me, nor anyone else on this thread (and others)

Original poster

Sillyflower · 03/05/2011 00:35

WWIFN - yes you were right all along. Its a horrible feeling. I don't know how to link I will try tomorrow.

Yes the porn was always secret and escalated when he started the affair.

He has sex issues too. No sex drive. Witheld sex to contol me. It got a bit out of hand and I was too scared to tell anyone about it.

I can't wait for this to be over so that I can get laid for the first time in over 2 years just like other people do!

I won't know what to do with myself!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sillyflower · 03/05/2011 00:37

Trust me his cock ain't mighty.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 00:42

he thinks it is though

and while you are too scared to confront him, and get him out of your life, so it remains that you all dance to the tune of his mighty cock

have you started divorce proceedings ?

Original poster

Sillyflower · 03/05/2011 00:47

Yes all ticking along with divorce stuff. I made the first move. He didn't like it at all.
Well tomorrow I will think of you when I am dancing to the tune of his mighty cock.
I have no idea how to get him out. He is a difficult character. I have no idea how I have put up with his shit for 9 yrs.
It's so depressing.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 00:49

if you have started divorce proceedings then the legal machine will get him out eventually

so why are you still worrying about his paramours ?

why would you consider contacting his OW?

Original poster

Sillyflower · 03/05/2011 01:01

Right AF, I have met the OW already I was in shock and had just found out about affair. she just apologized and said they were friends but admitted she had a crush on him. She is alot younger and not attractive. They stopped contact initially. Then a few weeks later he put lock back on phone and I guess they were back in touch.

So I have no idea what I would like to say to her or why I want to contact her. It's a totally bizarre and irrational reaction.

Mostly it's to humiliate ex as he was mortified at the thought of people at work finding out. He freaks if I say I am going to tell anyone he knows about her....totally freaks.

He made point of saying she is scared of me and was having panic attacks when they were found out. It just all made my blood boil. I really didn't like Her and I don't want her near my dc. She is recovering aa and na and was leaning on ex for support as she was finding it tough.....

I don't trust ex. Don't trust her. Have no idea what I am thinking. And would never bother to actually contact her.

I just feel so helpless.

OP posts:

FreudianSlipper · 03/05/2011 01:20

agree with all the others you need to get him out, no need to be nice anymore he is showing you no respect and that is just as important in a relationship as love

and as for getting the truth you won't so do not waste another minute trying to as he is a liar and why do you need to hurt yourself more than you are already hurting. so not contact the ow.

you need to take charge of your own life and your ds's life, yes it is hard, you will miss him but in a few months time you will be in a much much better place, let him stay and you will get dragged down further and it will just get harder and harder to move on. he will not bother until some other women puts him up, he may be miserable too but he is doing just as he pleases and is making a life for himself outside your home

RambleOn · 03/05/2011 01:42

My advice would be to make his life as uncomfortable as poss. I've been in exactly your position, and we are only just moving out, 3 YEARS LATER. The court won't make him leave unless he's abusive, and apparently shouting obscenitites in someones face isn't abuse.

Seriously, you need to make him want to leave, and speaking to the OW might mess things up for him there. So,

moan, moan, moan, nag, nag, nag.
separate shelves in fridge
no washing done
no cooking done, even a slice of toast.
hope he's sleeping somewhere uncomfortable?

Don't think about the OW. They deserve each other, you deserve better.

RambleOn · 03/05/2011 01:48

Oh, and imo you should tell everyone exactly why you're splitting. Just one of his work colleagues will spread it around like wildfire, no? The alternative is him justifying to to everyone by telling them you're a nutter/frigid/etc. Let people know the truth, and sympathy will go where it's deserved.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 09:21

you would feel less helpless if he was out of your house

if telling everybody his dirty little secret is what it takes, then do it

why would you cover for a cheating man ?

who is he? the Fucking pope ? does he have a Super Injunction on his lowlife shagging ?

just tell everyone

that will move things along quite nicely, I reckon

you say you can't get him out ?

you could get him out...blow his stupid fantasy apart and make him face up to the consequences of his actions

he will be out by he end of the week, with his tail between his legs boo-hoo-ing his arrogant fucking head off

he will paint you as the bad guy...but why would you worry about what he thinks of you...you hate him now

don't you ....?

zikes · 03/05/2011 09:27

I say, just tell everyone.

He has no right to expect you to keep his ugly little secrets and will help you get support from people in real life.

SueSylvesterforPM · 03/05/2011 09:49

I would agree its time for hi to move out, tell him to go and saty with OW if she means so much to him.

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 03/05/2011 09:56

Ok, the reason you feel unable to act is because you are caught in the middle of the situation and all your headspace is taken up with trying to deal with the horrendous emotions that it is making you feel. It is not your fault, it is because your emotions and mind are trying to protect you from further trauma.

Will keep this brief. My ex H was seeing many women including paying for sex. He was abusive in all ways you can imagine. Finally I had enough. For six months I asked him to move out, same as you his name also on tenancy so could not force him. I wasnt living I was surviving. Each month at pay day I would hope that this would be the month he would go, that is the deadline I would set him, within two days his wages would be gone and so the waiting for the next month for him to go would begin. It was hell, beyond hell in fact. In the end we had a massive row and he attacked me. I called the police and he was removed. From that day he never lived here again.

So I have been in a similar situation and this is what you need to do. YOU need to tell EVERYONE what is going on and I mean EVERYONE. Do not keep his dirty little secrets any longer. Tell him to get the fuck out and MEAN IT! Tell him to go right there and then. If he becomes nasty and he probably will because spiteful, entitled men like this cannot bear being told to do anything, call the police immediately. My ex who had controlled me with threats and abuse for 9 years and who I was so scared of was removed by two burly policemen within five minutes. Be careful at this point though, might be an idea to have some back up close by, I didnt have anyone but managed to get out of the house before things got too bad. I dont think your H will leave in June, he doesnt see why he should, after all he is not serious about this rather plain OW and in his mind he rationalises that he will not give up his family for her, she is not worth it but he doesnt actually care about YOUR feelings at all, somewhere at the back of his mind he thinks "Oh she will get over it eventually and all will return to normal", if he was going to leave he would have gone by now. To this day my ex believes I am a spiteful bitch who stole his home and family from him because after all he wasn't serious about any of the many, many women he had been with and would never have left his family for them! Apparently I should have known that and he would have stopped doing it eventually and we would have been happy together! He actually said that to me.

Please believe that I know exactly how you feel. I was so scared of my ex and how difficult he could be and in the end that was what was controlling the situation and why I was allowing him to stay in the home after unforgivable behaviour.

SOME MEN JUST WILL NOT GO FOR THE REASONS STATED ABOVE, SO YOU HAVE TO MAKE THEM!

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 10:03

hear, hear

you will have to play dirty, or live like this for as long as he fancies to

Original poster

Sillyflower · 03/05/2011 15:23

I think he is going -
I will let you know in due course

OP posts:

SueSylvesterforPM · 03/05/2011 15:39

"Mostly it's to humiliate ex as he was mortified at the thought of people at work finding out. He freaks if I say I am going to tell anyone he knows about her....totally freaks.

I'd be doing a mr burns like rubbing my hands together with glee , ...but im a bit evil

HerHissyness · 03/05/2011 20:55

Hello? is that progress we see Sillyflower? If there is the merest hint of him going, seize it and carry on the momentum and drive him out.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 20:57

waiting...

Original poster

Sillyflower · 03/05/2011 21:22

Going going gone........ Sorry to keep you waiting.
Thanks for all your help last night. It made me somewhat fearless in the morning. I just went on and on about the truth and the OW. It has been the problem all along.....that he refuses to talk about it. It must have dawned on him that I was not going to stop. Ever.

You were all right and very clever. It was driving me mad.

He picked his stuff up tonight and uttered the immortal words 'are we doing the right thing?'.......I could not believe he said it.

I just said YES!

Did you all proud.

Also have been feeling enormous sense of relief and calm. Which has luckily overridden the odd panicked moment that this is really it. We are really splitting up. It still scares me.

All of a sudden don't give a shit about OW?
What's that all about?

You are all lovely and thank you for you posts last night it really cheered me up.

No dance to the almighty cock either!

OP posts:

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