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Original poster

DH not backing me up with DD again, I'm so angry.

38 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 02/05/2011 17:38

DD is 10, fairly normal 10 year old but seems to be going through one of those stages where she gets stroppy/flies off the handle/can be rude to me at times.

So we're meant to be going out this afternoon - for a treat to a nature park she wants to go to. But she wants to help her dad with some DIY first. I said no problem we can go in an hour.

Then she's looking under the kitchen sink for sandpaper and I mention that she won't find any under there. Perfectly pleasant. She turns round and starts shouting at me, tells me to shut up, etc.

I told her off for been rude and put her on the naughty step. 10 mins later DH notices she's there and asks her why - she tells him a pack of lies that I was nasty and yelled at her for no good reason and then she shouted back and has been put on the naughty step. I got involved and calmly told her to stop lieing as that wasn't what happened. She gets more worked up and is shouting and crying, calling me a liar, etc, etc. I sent her to her room.

30 mins later I hear DH at the front door "see you later" he says and with that the front door slams. DD isn't here either and I just know he's taken her to the fucking park.

He's got form for this, doesn't back me up, sides with her, etc. I've told him about it before and he won't answer me when I try and talk to him about it. Before they went out DD shouted down the stairs that DH had told her that he wanted to go out with her and leave me at home as "you're so stressed".

I'm more than bloody stressed now.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 02/05/2011 18:16

No advice but I would be fucking livid with him tbh.

He's not just not backing you up, he's blatantly undermining you.

Doha · 02/05/2011 18:19

How dare he disrespect you in front of your DD. What sort of message is that sending to her.
One spoiled little madam.
I would be beyond angry and if he can't see your point of view or take your side in an arguement, your are heading for a lot of trouble in the future.
I would be asking your DH just where his priorities lie and does he see a future with you, coz to disregard my opinions in that way would have very very serious consequences.
How is your relationship with him generally? He sounds a shit to be honest

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 02/05/2011 18:20

Well they're back. He knows I'm pissed off and has asked why. I'm not speaking to him. Childish i know but I'm too angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 02/05/2011 18:23

I wouldn't say our relationship is great. We don't argue, just have nothing in common and don't do anything together.

OP posts:
Doha · 02/05/2011 18:24

And he doesn't know why you're angry. Shockhe is a knob and your daughter needs to be made aware that her actions today were unacceptable.
Your DH rewarded her for her bad behaviour---some parent he is

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 18:30

Is she not a bit old for a "naughty step" Confused

I agree though, your husband should be backing you up, not condoning her attitude.

Does she ever have strops at him? And if so, how does he deal with them?

BarbaraBar · 02/05/2011 18:32

You say you don't argue but arguing doesn't have to mean shouting and yelling at each other. I think you are arguing now, even if he's not.

I'm not surprised you are so angry. He's undermined you and taken her side when she has behaved badly. I really think you need to knock this on the head otherwise her teenage years are going to be hideous for you. Sad

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 02/05/2011 18:34

She probably is a bit too old for the naughty step. Maybe I should have banned her from TV or the Wii for a day.

OP posts:
Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 02/05/2011 18:35

She's had the odd strop at him but he dragged her off the chair she was sat on and she hasn't done it since as I think she was really shook up. I told him it was totally unacceptable and he agreed and apoligised to her, but he hurt her and left a big red mark.

OP posts:
needafootmassage · 02/05/2011 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 18:41

It obviously had an effect though if she hasnt done it again since. Sometimes a sharp shock is what is needed.

I turned into a monster at ten (started periods at 11, so that is also a possibility if the "attitude" has begun recently), and I was a cow to my mother. I knew my dads fuse was shorter, and didnt dare give him the lip that I gave my mother. The day I told her to "fucking leave me alone" when I was about 12, was the one and only time I ever swore at my mother, because she slapped my face so hard I think my head did the exorcist spin. I think I had hand print on my cheek for a few hours. I fully deserved it though and did apologise.

It sounds like she is very good at playing the pair of you off against each other actually, and the two of you do need to sit down calmly and ensure that she isnt allowed to let this escalate, which is will if she thinks she can get away with it.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 02/05/2011 18:41

Ive tried before and i just don't think it sinks in. He keeps doing it, undermines me, slags me off to dd and my mum. Talks to me like shit at times.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 18:43

Unfortunately, if your DD is hearing this, then she will think it is fine for her to speak to you that way too. :(

Difficult situation I agree.

I would say there are two major issues going on, and the relationship between you and your husband is the root of it.

AllOverIt · 02/05/2011 18:44

I'd be fucking livid. He sounds awful....

RumourOfAHurricane · 02/05/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Doha · 02/05/2011 18:47

Can l ask why you are still with him? You have no relationship to speak of and he slags you off? How do you react to that.
OP there is a lot more to this than your DD. I think you have big big problems in your relationship with your DH and perhaps your DD is aware and reacting to it

Bellebelicious · 02/05/2011 18:56

He keeps doing it, undermines me, slags me off to dd and my mum. Talks to me like shit at times.

That's all you needed to write at the beginning Viva. Do you think that's acceptable in a relationship? Do you think a woman (or man) should have to put up with that from a partner?

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 02/05/2011 19:04

No i don't think its acceptable. He would say and has said that hr isn't like this but that I'm overly sensitive. Is this gaslighting.

I d rather try and sort our relationship out though he said a few years ago when i asked him that he wouldn't go to counselling. I guess i don't have the balls to leave, i have lots of excuses why i can't. Mainly related to my job as i work a lot of nights.

OP posts:
Bellebelicious · 02/05/2011 19:08

I know it's hard to leave (put it off for years myself), but if he won't go to counselling, your options are limited. Do you have other children?

Try and see if he will go to counselling with you, explain how sad it's all making you. If not, could you go on your own? Sometimes talking things through with a good counsellor can help you understand the situation a bit better and you might come up with strategies to cope or deal with DH/DD better.

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 19:12

Have you ever threatened to leave him? Maybe that would jolt him into going to counselling if he thinks you are deadly serious.

I wouldnt say it is gaslighting, because he isnt lying as such, he just interprets it differently (and wrongly IMO) to how you see his behaviour.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 02/05/2011 19:15

Your daughter's behaviour is not going to improve whilst your H is treating you like this. He is siding with her, making a club against you - her behaviour has been validated by him and therefore she sees it as an acceptable way to behave.

You owe it to her (and yourself) to sort this out. Tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 02/05/2011 19:22

I did tell him earlier in the week that he made me on edge and that i was close to walking out. He was really ranting saying that the house is a mess. It isn't, maybe a bit cluttered. But he uses that spare room as an office and to keep his clutter in. I have nowhere. I've just had to bin a box of fishtank bits like spare heaters, pumps. He didn't want them in a box on the floor by the tank anymore. I've nowhere else to put them so chucked them. He has a tendency to slam my stuff about and huff snd puff.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 19:25

He sounds a right charmer :(

Doha · 02/05/2011 19:27

Ask him to attend counselling with you, explain to him that his refusal will be a deal breaker for you and the end of your marriage. Maybe then he will see just how serious you are and you will see if he is willing to put any effort into your relationship.

ShoutyHamster · 02/05/2011 19:30

Yes, he's validating her behaviour and letting her know that a. parents don't have to be respected and b. that you two aren't a team and can be played off against each other.

What a dangerous game to play.

Tell him to remember these incidents five years (or less!) from now, when she's out at 1am and has told both of you to fuck off, no she doesn't have to let you know where she is...

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