DH not backing me up with DD again, I'm so angry.

[VivaLeBeaver]

DD is 10, fairly normal 10 year old but seems to be going through one of those stages where she gets stroppy/flies off the handle/can be rude to me at times.

So we're meant to be going out this afternoon - for a treat to a nature park she wants to go to. But she wants to help her dad with some DIY first. I said no problem we can go in an hour.

Then she's looking under the kitchen sink for sandpaper and I mention that she won't find any under there. Perfectly pleasant. She turns round and starts shouting at me, tells me to shut up, etc.

I told her off for been rude and put her on the naughty step. 10 mins later DH notices she's there and asks her why - she tells him a pack of lies that I was nasty and yelled at her for no good reason and then she shouted back and has been put on the naughty step. I got involved and calmly told her to stop lieing as that wasn't what happened. She gets more worked up and is shouting and crying, calling me a liar, etc, etc. I sent her to her room.

30 mins later I hear DH at the front door "see you later" he says and with that the front door slams. DD isn't here either and I just know he's taken her to the fucking park.

He's got form for this, doesn't back me up, sides with her, etc. I've told him about it before and he won't answer me when I try and talk to him about it. Before they went out DD shouted down the stairs that DH had told her that he wanted to go out with her and leave me at home as "you're so stressed".

I'm more than bloody stressed now.

Who cares if he huffs and puffs? And next time he complains about the house being a mess, tell him to put his marigolds on and clean up. You work too, don't you?

Don't throw away stuff you need, because he's having a strop, that's just indulging him. I appreciate that a box on the floor doesn't look good, but you can buy a nice leather storage box - or alternatively he can make room for it in his office.

omg op I feel very sorry for you.
Do you have any other dcs?
You really to tell him that he NEEDS to go to counselling with you otherwise it's over, this is so totally unacceptable and you sound so ground down and accepting of it.
I think you also need to contact womens aid and talk to them about building up your confidence levels etc. they are marvelous.
Please ring them.

Don't worry about practicalities like working nights, dd can stay with him and then they will see how it is living with each other day to day.

Thanfully no other DCs.

I think part of the problem is that I'm too soft/don't hold a grudge. I'm furious now but by tomorrow I'll have calmed down and forgiven all. I guess by being like this I'm enabling them to carry on. I've had enough though I really have.

Is it possible to live on a monthly incolme of £1200 after tax?

I can't rely on money from DH as he may get made redundent soon.

Depends on where you stay, as alone parent you will get reduction in council tax, if DD stays with you you will get maintainance from DH, I am not in a position to advise on what amount is needed but £1200 per month should be enough. You just cut your cloth to fit the amount.
Please get legal advice on this, just to see exactly what you could expect

Thanks for the advice.

I could have written your post! My DH is exactly the same with my DD. He told me off in front of her and her friends for calling her up on her behaviour last time. I saw red and told him not to ever tell me off in fron of my DD and her friends. I feel resentful a lot of the time to be honest. sometimes it feels like he is delibrately trying to ruin my relationship with my DD.

Its crap isn't it. Well I told him last night why I was so pissed off and he reckons that he "didn't realise what had happened" between me and DD which I think is a total load of bull. He was at the top of the stairs when I sent her to her room and saw her shouting and screaming at me.

DD said last night "dad says he hates you". Not sure how true that is, he denies saying it and she can totally stir things. But I do believe that he sneaked her out behind my back and said to her that he didn't want me coming with them.

Viva - please re-read your post. Your DH was completely aware about the situation. This is gaslighting.

The reason he does this, is you let him get away with it. You said yourself that you are furious and then let it go, so he knows if he just acts normal it will all blow over and he can do it again.

Ultimately this will (probably already has) ground you down and I bet you are half the woman you were when you married him. The damage isn't just to you, but also to your daughter who is growing up learning that relationships are all about deceit, manipulation and unkindness.

Do read other posts about gaslighting etc.
This is totally unacceptable, and allowing her to play one of you against the other (as he has done) is very very bad for her. He doesn't sound as if he is treating her as a person but as a tool to get at you with.

Do phone women's aid and get some help.

It is possible to live on your income, and if not you will get tax credits etc.

Good luck.

If you want to get to the bottom of it, get them in the room together and confront them both about the "he hates you" thing.

But really, what is the point? I don't think there is any hope. You are doing yourself and your daughter a disservice by living like this.

I agree your relationship with your husband is the main thing that needs fixing. I must admit if one of my kids was looking for sandpaper under the sink rather than smugly say "you won't find any sandpaper there" I would tell them where the sandpaper was, much more helpful.
The naughty step thing sounds odd and you don't sound as though you like your daughter much at all.
When your husband asked what had happened I would have taken him somewhere private and discussed the incident without your daughter overhearing.
If your relationship is to work you need to parent her in a similar way and not allow her to play you off against each other and not tolerate her being abusive.
It does sound as though there are few positive aspects to your marriage at the moment and your daughter is maniplating the situation.

When I said to DD that "you won't find any under there", the second half of the sentence was going to be "try the utility room". But I never got that far as she jumped down my throat. DD has come and apoligised to me but only after her dad has told her to.