Just realied I hav totally lost my best friend - due to my depression.

[weegiemum]

Have had a vbf for several years, - always prided herself on how well she deals with people with mh probs etc.

However .......

A few weeks ago I was unable to make a scheduled meting due to my increasingly difficult mental health situation. She was very cool/even cold about it.

THen came Mother's day. This is a very hard time for me as it is the day my Mum left. Friend is living with a friend of her mum's right now and I was bombarded with texts about "were we doing something" and "could mum's friend come too" (I have never met her) and "when were we meting? As it is normally, and was this year, I spent most o fth eday in bed with the covers over my head (yes I am getting help_)

We were supposed to be going camping this weekend and I emailed her over a week ago to say I was not possibly capable of going. I emailed twice. I then called twice - both times the phone ringing out and going to voicemail - she never does that so it must be deliberate. So the camping trip never happpened.

I don't quite know what I did. SHe wont reply to my emails, calls or textxs?

OK. I'm a suicide survivor, so you know I have been as low as one can get. I'm still here. Over 10 years on, I am OK.

You need to trust that you WILL get better and as scary as it is to contemplate, all it takes is to stare the 'black dog' or whatever you consider it to be, in the face and stand up to it.

Can you take this latest event as a boot up the behind, to not let this debilitating and dangerous disease control you and your life any more?

Don't let anyone or anything tell you you can't do something nice, good and fun for yourself.

Ask yourself - out loud if it helps - What am I afraid will happen if I DO go camping with dear friends that love me? You may cry, so what, you may feel anxious, so what? If you don't go, you will let good people down, good people that want you there, want you to get better, so come on girl, dig deep and force yourself. Fake it till you make it if you have to.

Sadly you may have let your friend down once too often, but it wasn't your fault entirely, you are suffering from a very powerful disease. It IS beatable though, you just have to tap into the very depths of your strength.

From today, you can stop all this. From today you talk to yourself and to the depression, dare it to come and try to ruin your life. It can't. It can't do a thing against you, all it can do is make you doubt yourself. Nip that in the bud, challenge it and be honest and kind to yourself and you will kill it stone dead.

Meant to say, you probably have not lost her for good, it may just be that she doesn't know what to do/say any more. She may be tired of seeing the toll this illness is taking on her dear friend.

So for her, show her you can beat this? Rise up?!

I'm not quite as smart well recovered as Hissy yet, and my depression still stops me doing things. Apart from anything else, I'm totally knackered - a camping trip would be out of the question. I've also lost a lot of friends.

I'm getting some of them back, though :) Most, tbh, were scared of what happened to me in front of their eyes. Where they're concerned, I just have to accept that we're no longer good for each other. Some are brilliant, though! I've asked them to be patient. I am recovering, but I'm not the old me yet ... and probably never will be again, since being the old me gave me a breakdown! So, with those friends, I have a low-key type of friendship instead of the in-each-others pockets kind we used to have. I'm glad I made the effort (thank goodness for Facebook!)

You have to ask. If that feels like swallowing your pride, swallow it :)
We WILL both get to HerHissyness's level of self-confidence! And, after that, we'll all go skipping into a glorious sunset with our friends ...

Depression IS a totally draining physical disease too, but that only spirals away the natural serotonin, so as much as you can, fight it, get fresh air, even if in little dribs and drabs, sunlight, and boot yourself up the arse to do stuff.

The bastard blackness will stop at nothing, but it can be beaten. It has to be beaten. The alternative is not acceptable. GOT IT?!

Some people can't handle MH issues. Fine. Then they are not the friends you need. Some people really come through for you, when you least expect it.

Self confidence? me? ha ha ha! I just boot myself up the arse regularly and often! I'm fighting agoraphobia, (and winning) but I still have the sick knot in the pit of my stomach most days, the feeling that I know I have done something wrong, that I'll be found out.

What I have done to be found out about, I have not a clue, but I have to ask myself over and over and remind myself that everything IS OK and that I am allowed to be out and about.

Both of you (take it from me) will be BETTER versions of yourselves. Depression taught me compassion, before I had very little. Taught me to stop and think about what could be behind someone's odd behaviour. Depression is a bastard illness, but when it loses the fight for your soul, it leaves it somehow richer.

Enjoy finding out how your personas have strengthened. You make it through this fight, there is nothing that can get you down again.

Oh, one thing the life of hell taught me is that you only really need ONE person in your life that gets you, one person that is a friend. Then you are rich, anything more than this, is a total bonus, a blessing and something to be really proud of!

eek, is personas a word? GAH! (googles) it's personae isn't it?

We're speaking English not Latin

I agree - weirdly, I prefer this me to the old one. As you say, I'm more insightful and more compassionate. And much more self-protective. But I HATE my symptoms, and the way they stop me doing things I want to do. I also hate "not knowing myself". I didn't before but I thought I did, and I miss the sure-fottedness of that.

Another night, another day, huh? Another lesson learned. And the early sunshine helps!

fottedness

I find it almost painful to read this.
I'm on the "other"side, you see. A good friend of mine has depression and I'm trying to.. well I don't know what I'm trying to be honest.
I'm trying not to get frustrated when I simply don't understand how to do things.
So I try not to get upset when emails and texts get unanswered, not push, not talk, back off at the right time.
it's hard not to take things personally. I must remind myself - It's the depression.

Like coffeeinabed, I've been on the other side of this.
The trouble was, at the time I was quite low myself. Not clinically depressed, but certainly low, and so not able to be sure enough that this person liked me at all.
I still have no idea if it was her depression or if she just disliked me. She's left a few people like that. Does your friend have the certainty and the thick skin she needs to still believe that you're not just trying to cool things with her?

I'm in the same position as you coffeeinbed. My friend has been on medication for her depression for the last 5 years, since her DH left her. All her other friends backed off immediately. I do my best and if she doesn't reply to a text or email suggesting lunch for example, I try not to take it personally but usually I've put a day off work aside for her because she says she never gets invited out.

Trouble is when the depression takes hold, the poor host thinks that people don't really want to be bothering with them, that they are doing it all out of pity and they hate them really.

My inner depressed voice used to snarl at me "they say the eyes are the windows to your soul, well they can all see that your smile is fake and they all hate you for it." it was a killer.

The sure footedness, or fottedness even is actually naivete IMHO, we all think we know what we are doing, we all trust our intuition 100% because it's never got stuff wrong before.... until it does. As my therapist said, you had a set of thoughts that you lived by that were good, very good, they lasted 30 years, but they were not perfect, they ultimately were shown to need work. Now you are doing that work. Next time you will be stronger and have a stronger set of rules/assumptions/schema to live by.

Had I not come out of depression, I wouldn't have survived Egypt. Only when I could see that living in Egypt was the living embodiment of the deepest darket depression, then I knew that it would never beat me, because my gut feeling, my intuition was RIGHT, I had spotted it. Depression can only get to you if you don't know what to look for, once you know the signs, you can fight it.

coffee, it is the depression, it's IS personal, but it's not personal to YOU, it's them very likely your friend thinking you don't really want to be bothered with her, that she can't keep relying on you, it's not fair etc etc that shuts her away.

Depression is very similar to an abusive partner, isolates, takes over and shuts down the person's life. There are ways out of abusive relationships, there are ways out of depression, neither journey is easy, but both are essential.

I never really realised that. I keep worrying I'm the one getting it all wrong.

It is so bloody hard.
Glad you're better now, HH!

So you need to really want to beat the depression then HerHissyness, and the medication can't work alone? If so that's makes complete sense

Hissy - Depression is very similar to an abusive partner
Fuck me, you've just crystallised what my head's been trying to tell me for ages.

Of course, it was an abusive partner that tipped me off the edge. It goes further back than that, though ... and all the inner depressed/critic voices come from them, the abusers.

Argh, that "windows to the soul" thing! It's why the depressed can't look anyone in the eye, isn't it? They'll see how horrid I am :(

You're right about the sure-footedness being naive.

coffee & co - really, just stay in touch. Keep her on your forward list for jokes & stuff, ring up every so often and leave a "hi" message, send birthday cards even if you don't get one back. We have to work very hard to counter the depression, especially when it's super-heavy. One of the things we need to know is that everyone doesn't hate us, it's just the depression talking. You can, perhaps, imagine how much it means ti get a voicemail, a postcard or whatever, that says "See? Everyone doesn't hate you! They're still bothering to keep in touch!"

I know it looks like your depressed friend is turning her back. She is ... but on herself, not you. Keeping a line open in the best & kindest thing you can do :)

Thanks for that garlicbutter . I suggested a girly holiday 4 years ago, so we went. Just us two and we had a quiet and relaxed time. In my last email I said what a lovely time we had had and should do it again sometime. That was months ago and I heard nothing so let it go. I bumped into her the other week and she asked if I'd booked a holiday yet.
DH didn't approve at all. It's obvious he thought we'd both be on the pull the whole time .

I know! it just occurred to me tbh garlicbutter.

for whatever reason we have lower self esteem, parents being critical (for me my dad, who also left for OW when I was 16) so we develop our own abuser, an internal one.

I had relationships that failed, for whatever reason, I was too needy, too eager to please and probably just irritated the crap out of them, I got married, I got depression, got kind of better, it failed, I met X. he swept me off my feet, [redflag] moved in after 6m, and then started to hunt through my things, and persecuted me for having had a past [redflag] I was 30, divorced, terrified that I'd failed so did anything to keep him. I believe the relevant word I learnt today here also is cockstruck. It got worse and worse and worse. EV/DV then we went to live in Egypt... The external abuser kind of agreed with the internal abuser, so we don't feel able to disagree. We also find it so hard to hear good.

Now nearly 43, i couldn't give a shit what anyone thinks of me, I have my lovely DS, I have a life, I am just about ticking over, I'll be OK I think. If this is IT, that is fine with me.

mind you, I did see a silver fox on Saturday, divorced too... but too late now, I will never see him again, window passed, not right timing anyway

I agree, cards are especially special, better thank texts, emails or calls, I love cards.

Oh, funny story. Therapy donkeys years ago, first ever session or thereabouts. the lovely Louise (therapist) said to me that reading self help books can get me out of the depression, it's hard work, but it's the best way, as it forces us to think and keeps our brain busy. So she recommends a book the Feeling Good Handbook. Off I toddle, straight to Waterstones to the Psychology section. Stand in front of the shelf. Could I remember the book title? No. Nothing. Nada Nichts.

Next session. The same thing happened. the third time, She asked if I'd bought the book Er, no I said, let me write it down, i keep forgetting the title.
She laughed at me. Then going on to tell me that depression gives our brain a filter that filters out all the good, and discards it from our minds. Had the book been entitled The Feeling Bloody Awful Book, I'd have remembered it, but the filter had disregarded it as not relevant to my state of mind, so I couldn't hold onto the title if I tried.

So yes, like giving up smoking, drugs or getting out of an abusive relationship, it's going to take work, plenty of it, at a time when your body is being told by the disease that it's exhausted. Drugs are never the only answer, like nicotine patches, they take the edge off for long enough for you to be able to function. The rest is down to your determination, your realisation that YOU DO MATTER and DO deserve to be happy.

[essay]

'Depression is very similar to an abusive partner, isolates, takes over and shuts down the person's life. There are ways out of abusive relationships, there are ways out of depression.'

WOW! Thank you HH for saying this...it makes it so much easier to explain to other people. I am on a crusade to tell as many people as possible about my own depression and NOT be embarassed. Broken leg and all that.... It is amazing to me how many people say 'Oh yes, am still taking the pills' or ' that was me two years ago'. Part of my crusade is to explain the difference between ' a bit sad' and chemical/ clinical depression. BUT I can only do this when I am NOT on the 'down' curve, just when I am o the 'up'.

Weegie, it may very well be that she is overwhelmed with her own life, or any amount of other reasons. One of the problems with depression is that you do tend to think everything is about you, that people are thinking about you negatively all the time, that they are criticising you etc. It is the depression making you think this, and not necessarily the reality of the situation.

We are here to help.

To continue with the earlier analogy, those of us that have been abused have had the abuser telling us that our family and friends don't like us really. we believe them in the end.

By the same token Norks, openness is a way for DV victims to allow light and fresh air into their lives after the abuser has boxed them in. Depression too can benefit from being more open. The stigma is less than it was, but tbh, battered women too, to coin the old phrase, do suffer from some negative perceptions somehow. Both areas are improving.

Depressed is not something we are, Depression happens TO us.

FWIW, Docs don't know what causes the chemical imbalance; Whether its the way we think that changes the chemical make-up of the brain, or if the chemical balance of the brain shifts and makes us depressed.

Brilliant analogy SAF! love it!

I like that analogy SAF, it's exactly how I feel at the moment.

Thanks for this thread, also.
Garlicbutter-can't look people in the eye: check. Being aware of it though I make an effort to do it and like HerH says fake it through the awkwardness.

HerHissyness-depression like an abusive partner; starting with my mother, and some (not every one) boyfriends-somehow I had an inner strength or inner vision of clarity to scrape them off. But over the years, the filter developes, doesn't it? The difficulties with children (even with everything normal) take the mom down. My dh is a man (and all that goes with that ) and a very nice man, bless him; but my filter sometimes turns onto him for some explanation of what is going on with me. I often bite my tongue in the tradition of being shamed into silence as I was brought up. Then courage has me give myself the right to speak-but misguided, distorted view of reality makes it all wrong, so the circle of silence.

Yes self help books are wonderful. I am on a break now, but will need to start up again soon, John Bradshaw now.

My friends tend to move away. Ever since childhood, friends move; even up to my friend that moved away last year. So I just kind of give up and learn to enjoy my own company...and the dc and dh, of course.

Sorry my ramble is disjointed. The Abusive Partner connection with my dystemic tendencies is related to my mother treating me as an invisible child. Looking people in the eye, I am visible.

Thank you.

TeachMySelfBalance: At some points in our lives, we need to look at moving onwards and to more comfortable surroundins. Your post seems to suggest that all your friends move away from you.

Honey they are just moving, not away from anywhere, just to where they would like to be, or where the work is or nearer to family to help them. It really has nothing to do with you per se, assuming that you are not some kind of weird stalker kind of person, of course but you seem to be taking the fact that these people are moving as a personal sleight. It's not.

Challenge the depression thinking, talk back to your thoughts and tell them they are mistaken. And this is the very nub of depression, the thinking that the world appears alien, isolated, mean, cruel and barren towards you, it's not like that at all.

Honesty defeats the delusions of depression.