Just realied I hav totally lost my best friend - due to my depression.

[weegiemum]

Have had a vbf for several years, - always prided herself on how well she deals with people with mh probs etc.

However .......

A few weeks ago I was unable to make a scheduled meting due to my increasingly difficult mental health situation. She was very cool/even cold about it.

THen came Mother's day. This is a very hard time for me as it is the day my Mum left. Friend is living with a friend of her mum's right now and I was bombarded with texts about "were we doing something" and "could mum's friend come too" (I have never met her) and "when were we meting? As it is normally, and was this year, I spent most o fth eday in bed with the covers over my head (yes I am getting help_)

We were supposed to be going camping this weekend and I emailed her over a week ago to say I was not possibly capable of going. I emailed twice. I then called twice - both times the phone ringing out and going to voicemail - she never does that so it must be deliberate. So the camping trip never happpened.

I don't quite know what I did. SHe wont reply to my emails, calls or textxs?

Thanks HerHissyness, I certainly never press my presence on people to an awkward insistance on waiting for an invitation. I've never been one to be able to just jump into a group-"Can I come too" sort of thing.

I know that people deciding to move isn't about me. But from my perspective of again and again and again, well, I feel like saying-"I could see that one coming" or something, iyswim. Like the way the stars are aligned for that to be just the way it is going to be for me, no fault of my own. Guardian Angels having another chuckle at my expense (they are all guys and there must be 10 or 12 of them-waiting list for me . ) That does sound defeatest, writing that. But the fact is: people do come and go; that is just the way it is. And it is so for everyone, no? I am not in a small English village, perhaps it is true within that parameter.

By the repetition, I have learned that friendships are temporary. That is sad in some ways, but it has won the day in others when I was the target of users. It is gratifying to know that I can disconnect from others and do so; knowing that some folk don't like me: ok; and on the other hand, it is ok for me to not like others as well.

"No fault of my own" that is until I made discovery about childhood issues and the emotional, mental effects it has had on me and proceeded to rehash everything. Social skills are not my forte, lets say.

To Weegiemum's OP I don't really know how to interpret that. Seems like a switch was thrown all of a sudden. Bit of a hissy fit? Why couldn't she respond with 'sorry you can't make it, hope you feel better soon'? Seems harsh to just go silent on you. I hope you are doing better.

Thanks again for posting to me, HH. I so rarely get a response-that isn't a pity party, it is just a fact.

Also, HH-
Yes, so true:
Appears.
The distorted view.

I do take a deep breath and coach myself to relax and embrace a bale of courage to wait and see what actually develops. It is a surprise of happiness to know I was/would've been wrong.

Live in the present.

I succumbed to the label ?depression? two years ago and after a short [mad] three months on Prozac I went cold turkey and made it my goal to understand why.

The following article sums up a lot of my thinking and strongly advise anyone with depressive thoughts to read it in its entirety.

articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/05/03/tips-to-avoiding-depression.aspx

My thoughts/convictions are not based solely on this one report as I have read many thousands of research reports but this will give the basis for further study for those that have depressive symptoms and are looking for an alternative to the happy pills dished out by our ever so wonderful Doctors.

Should you not have the time or desire to read it in full the shorter version is that depression is due to a lack of balance in ones life normally brought on by an emotional trauma and importantly nutritional deficiencies. On that note I meet many people who believe their diet is excellent and yet I can see it is deficient in many ways. Real nutrition does (and is well documented) to alter how we feel about ourselves and the people around us. Along with exercise, real food and balance most people would never have a need to see their Doctor.

I remember the very day that depression GOT me. It was like there had been a meeting, a decision for everyone around to be rude, ignorant, and unpleasant to be around.

OK I was in Brent Cross at the time, looking back, WTF did I expect?

But it did just hit me, and made me want to run and hide.

TeachMySelfBalance, love, The stars are not lined up for you, nor I, if they were what the hell have they been doing for the past 4.5 billion years minus a few decades?

Since staring depression in the face, daring it and winning 10 years ago, I have not looked back. Sure it took time, it took a lot of introspection, and ultimately it took NOT thinking about it for a while, just living in the NOW, not the past, and certainly not the future. The past has gone the future hasn't happened yet, only thing left is our NOW.

If I had looked back what would the depressed person make of the abusive twat I saddled myself with these last 10 years? the second to second hell that was 3 years in practical lock down in misogynistic Egypt? the isolation from all things friendly, all things familiar, and getting kicked every time I raised my voice? The stars didn't conspire to create all that! Why would they? It's illogical! I fell victim to an abuser, got trapped. No-one to blame but HIM for being abusive, and me for not stopping it sooner.

One thing my therapist told me was Bad things do happen to Good people. Mistakes and bad things teach us our lessons in life. They teach us to be strong, to care for others and to empathise with those going through similar.

Today, after all that crap for the last few years, I realised I was stronger as a result, that I could cope with and get through more than I gave myself credit for. I learned that things happen for a reason, and usually in the end there is a happy ending, but the middle bit of the story can be terrifying.

As a result of the horrific life I had in Egypt I have some truly amazing friends, we've always conducted our friendships over email and texts as I was in my cage mostly, but I still have them all in my life, and love them all dearly. They really helped keep me going and really helped me come through the other side. If I hadn't have had the landlady from hell, I would not have met one of my dearest friends on MN, who has transformed my life in so many ways, I'll never be able to thank her properly.

I'm beginning to see how the good stuff comes after the bad. hang in there those of you with the Black Dog, dig deep and fight for your life back and you will get it, and your life will be much richer thereafter.

I read my therapists notes, I saw her comment that she didn't expect me to survive, that she thought I'd die, and I very nearly did. If I can turn it around from that, so can others.

Here's my hand... take it and I'll pull you up out into the sunshine... it's lovely up here...

Thank you again, HerHissyness.

I am glad you were able to win.

I have faced down panic attacks and resolved them on my own. I understand your posts completely.

I am doing better. I am getting better sleep-dh is resolving snoring and my littlest dc is now 3 and sleeping better, too. A big chunk of my issues is exhaustion.

I think it is lonliness too, to some degree. And before the chorus warms up with join clubs, it is up to me, etc-well, been there done that- I can't (nor will try to) force people to like me. I am just awkward and people don't give awkwardness a second chance.

Because I'm not popular, does that mean I'm depressed? No, I don't think so. Just sad about the lonliness sometimes, but like you say, I shoudn't dwell on it.

Nice article, Itslife. I do agree with it, although I also believe the meds do help some people, just not as many as pronounced by the industry.

HE HE, it's not about quantity, it's quality!

I never made that many friends all at once, I prefer to have fewer, but more meaningful relationships, so yes, the balance of probability is that you will lose one or two along the way and they will then be noticed more in a way than if there were lots to fill in the hole.

Oh my idea of hell is a group of people! I have now got a touch of agoraphobia, but it's not too limiting, I'm not letting it mostly.

there are 2 ways to look at isolation, one is to despair and then the other is to get to know and enjoy or at least tolerate the company of the one that IS there. OURSELF.

when I was in Egypt, totally alone during the day for weeks at a time, not a soul to talk to for up to as much as 10 weeks, I think there was a breakdown in the midst of that, but can't be sure. If a tree falls in the woods and no-one hears it and all that... There were some very dark days, there was some howling crying, some face down on the carpet kind of stuff... I can't really recall it all. But all I know is that it stopped in time and I learned to get myself into a routine and I suppose accepted everything as it was. For long enough to calm down, to stop panicking and to start to work out what was going on around me, to observe, watch, learn and try to make sense of.

This was the path that I think enabled me to be with myself. Once you can do that, tbh, depression has little hold, cos you are enjoying the peace.

Exhaustion is a killer, glad to hear that DH snoring is on the mend, and the 3yo ought to get easier and easier. You are on A final strait... not THE final strait, but you are reaching a time when life should start to get a little more reliable, calm and ordered.

I totally agree about quality over quantity.

And I do like myself.

I had two dc close together (they are teens now) with virtually no help (besides dh's efforts-nice but he did/does travel). One sister would help most generously, but I finally discovered the price. She is an emotional abuser and she was degrading me-subtly or not so sometimes. Fatigue, desperation, family training to 'get along' led me to go along with it and over the many years I was worn away. She wanted my dc to see her as a superior source.

Pregnancy with my youngest, three years ago, brought clarity and I disconnected from that sister. And recovery began...as much as possible with 2 teens and a newborn anyway.

Your imprisonment sounds horrible. Happiness does come from within and I believe in the indomitable spirit. What do you do for exercise? I am considering yoga. I am 49 and can't really participate fully in martial arts anymore.

Waves to weegiemum-I hope you are ok.

Just checking in on Weegiemum. Where are you and how are you feeling?

HerHissyness you are a total inspiration. Do you help people in RL, because you are doing a great job here.

I totally agree with the 'you have to like yourself to be likeable' cliche and that does make those being shadowed by a Black Dog difficult to get to know. I still don't lke to let anyone get too close in case they are scared of the Dog.

I have built up a satisfying inner life of my own and can be happy in my own company, but enjoy the company of acquaintances almost MORE than the company of friends IYSWIM. I can chat and look cheerful if there is NO DANGER they will find out what I am really like.

I do talk to people about depression, and many friends/ acquaintances are going through the same thing, but I see the same look in their eyes 'don't come too close'. it's like underneath my friendly exterior, there is a hard shell, and then under that, I really am lovely, honest, I think.
My name is Norks and I am a KinderSurprise!

As far as exercise goes, there is nothing to beat a few energetic dogs who like long walks, and a beautiful place to walk them.

Norks, how kind of you to say such a thing. No, the only help I offer is here, and to the odd Green Flag chappie... long story, advised him on his abusive ex (car-crash jeremy kyle-esque GF)

Much of it is me wondering out loud as it were, it helps ME concretise my feelings, process stuff by being on here. MN rocks!

TeachMyselfBalance: Exercise is a tough subject, I am in such a physical mess, hips, back knees and ankles are a bit shot. Vast improvement from the days when due to being indoors all the time, I couldn't climb a flight of stairs. I need to get fit, but it hurts, I'm so stiff, I'm scared of doing damage, scared of going to Drs for fear of sounding silly, don't know really where to start. Chiropractor perhaps to see if everything is in line?

You may be right there, they have a Bikram Yoga place in a nearby town. Might give that a go.

At least it'll give them someone to point and laugh at.

A piece of wood would do a better downward dog than I could at the moment!

mmmmm, will look into that! thanks SAF!

Oh, that would be very interesting actually, thanks SAF!

weegiemum - not heard from you in a wee while - what gives? How are you doing? Any news from your friend? please update on how you are?