He says he's changed and doesn't know if he wants me anymore

[spagbolmum]

Me and my husband split up a few months ago but after long talks we decided to give it another go. Things were going well, or so i thought but last nite he told me that he has changed and doesn't know what he wants anymore.
He says he loves me but doesn't know what he wants.
Were we wrong to give it another try i feel as if the last few months of me learning to trust him again and rebuilding our marriage were just a joke.
I feel like such a shit mother putting the kids thru all this again and if he decides it is me he wants do i accept that and carry on as normal again.........

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Was infidelity a factor in your break up?

He was texting a work colleague constantly until i checked the mobile bill online and saw the amount of times he was doing it. He said they weren't seeing each other he was supporting her as she's in a violent marriage. They still work together but i've accepted that he hasn't cheated physically just emotionally. I thought we were working everything out but guess i'm wrong.

Sorry he has dropped this bombshell on you.

Tell he to decide what he wants and let you know, also ask if this other woman he is emotionally involved with is another factor as he seems not to be able to give all of himself emotionally to you whilst he is supporting someone else.

i've told him i need to know as soon as possible what he wants - i feel stupid for believing in second chances

I know it's hard but if it were me I'd let it go, I've been there and if they have been emotionally involved I'm fairly certain it's been physical.

If this woman is attached, it may be the first time he left she wasn't yet ready to commit so he has turned to you.

You don't deserve this, do you have support in RL?

And you're not a shit mother for trying to make your family work, he's the shit for putting himself first, don't be hard on yourself.

i do but can't do anything for crying at the minute. whenever i start to phone someone i start sobbing so never finish dialing the number

My heart goes out to you. You do need all the support you can get. People will be supportive, please don't suffer alone, you WILL get through this, and there's plenty of people here who have been where you are who are more than willing to be a support too.

spagbolmum can I ask what you want? How do feel about him changing his mind each time? You say you've been rebuilding trust - how far have you got with that? What would this wobble on his part do to that process?

i am just dangling - i don't know what to do the brave face infront of the kids keeps slipping and they don't need to see me like this again but i want to fight to keep my family together , he's my husband and best friend i've known him all my life and after splitting up the first time i thought we were stronger than ever

I think you posted before about this? (Apologies if I've got this wrong) Can you link to the previous thread to give us some background.
Sorry you are going through this.

i want my husband, but i want him to be here because he wants to be not because he thinks he should be

i have posted before but i'm not sure how to link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1156185-should-i-trust-him

this is the first post

Having read your earlier thread, I'm sorry but I think he lied last time and has always been having an affair with this woman. Had I been around on your earlier thread, I would have pointed out what a crock of shite he gave you last time - the last thing a woman in a violent marriage would need would be 600 texts a month from an OM. If it's even partially true that the OW was in an abusive marriage, no "friend" would inflame her situation like that.

I suspect the key to this current change of heart is that something has changed again in the OW's situation. I'm sure his phone bills will reveal all.

As far as you're concerned, please don't let him continue to mess with yor heart and your emotions. I expect you have been trying to be the perfect wife in recent months and have been jumping through all sorts of hoops, while trying to trust someone who has lied to you throughout. You are worth so much more than that. I would ask him to go and tell him that there is no going back now. If he has a sudden change of heart, then the truth about this OW must come out, because it sure as hell hasn't so far...

So sorry for you personally - you have had a horrible few months it seems.

It just doesn't seem to be getting any easier - i was in bits a few months ago, pullled myself round and was over the moon at getting together again.
I have been trying to do everything right to keep everyone happy.
I joined weightwatchers to lose weight had my hair done bought sexy undies the lot but now i just feel exhausted

You need to make your own decisions and life. Let him go. Don't lower yourself to fight for this man. If he doesn't know if he wants you then he doesn't. Sorry.

Yes I thought you would say that you had indeed been trying to compete and become the perfect woman. I understand why people do this, but it is utterly pointless because the affair was never about you at all. It's also entirely the wrong approach, because it is so one-sided. There's a world of difference between a couple trying to make changes after an admitted affair and working from a clean, honest slate - and what you have been doing. It just serves to make you feel exhausted, as if you are not behaving naturally and comfortably in your own marriage and in your own home and most of all, it is utterly corrosive to try to compete with another woman. It must have also been horribly difficult for you knowing that they were still working together.

Instead, your H should have been wooing you again after what was a horrible betrayal, but although you don't say what happened between your threads, it doesn't sound as though he ever came clean and gave you the respect of honesty about his actions. Did you ever contact the OW? If the affair is still going on (likely in my view) then admittedly, if she denied it to you then I'd take that with a pinch of salt, but from what you've disclosed so far, the only version of events you've ever had was your H's. He lied to you when you found the first phone bills and only when he couldn't lie any longer, admitted to only what you could prove. He then changed his billing arrangements to permit further secrets.

What you need now more than anything is incontrovertible and independent information, because I wouldn't believe a word that's coming out of your H's mouth right now. There must have been a catalyst for this recent change of heart and I would start to find out whether the OW is now miraculously out of her "abusive" marriage.

Unfortunately, lots of women in abusive relationships don't seem to make the link that their new love interest is being abusive himself to his wife, because as long as he's not abusive to her it's somehow permissible .

I really hope you can summon up all your strength and courage and tell him you have more dignity than to let him change his mind again.

No i didn't have the balls to contact her or her husband - i couldn't have her been hit on my conscience.
the catalyst of this latest spat is that there was a works nite out on saturday which of course spouses aren't invited, i said i wasn't happy him going after everything that had happened but to go if he wanted to - which he did. When he came home at 4.30 the next morning i asked if he had a good nite he said yes then last nite he said he'd changed and didn't know what he wanted anymore. I'm assuming something happened on hte works do but i don't know anyone he works with to ask.

Spagbolmum, I agree with many of the posters here. Time to take control of your destiny and not leave it to your H. He has lost the right to call time on this.
I could have cried when I read your earlier post about joining WW and getting your hairdone etc etc. I did all that also thinking that my adulterous ex was justified as "I" must be the problem. You have nothing to feel bad about at all and taking control of this decision will be the best thing you do because the alternative means you continue to blame yourself and live in fear of him leaving, and worse than that, letting him hold all the cards.

You've done your best here and you can't have done any more. Sending hugs and wishes to you at this difficult time but please please do not blame yourself for his shortcomings.

Sorry I posted and ran.
WWIFN is right, it's time to take him out of the equation and think about yourself. Having been through my DP leaving me for someone else, and going through all the "Let's be friends" crap beforehand, your situation is sadly familiar.
Nothing you can do will return your H to you, but really you are better off without him anyway, as he has treated you appallingly. Let him go and make a good life for yourself.
And to echo what others are saying, dont torture yourself that if you had done things differently this wouldn't have happened, because none of it is your fault.
Cant stress that enough.
It doesn't matter what's up with him, whether its a mid-life crisis, or a rescuer complex, or just being an utter twat, time to hold your head up and acknowledge that you deserve better.
Let him go and watch the mess that ensues, and be glad that you are out of it.
PM me if you want to, I do understand that it hurts like hell.

Tell him that you want him to leave the house in the morning and go and stay with someone else (his mother? a friend? there will be someone he can stay with, surely). Because you neeed some space to decide it you want to continue in the mariage.
You do need this space. Because the thing is, you do have a choice, you can refuse to put up with his behaviour and make him work for the marriage if he wants to save it. Sometimes people claim they are being honest when they tell their partners that they are not sure if they want to stay in the relationship etc etc, their 'feelings have changed blah blah waa waa'. This is actually, a lot of the time either arse covering or a naked grab for power. If it's arse covering the person wants you to be the 'villain ' who ended the relationship - in that case, go ahead and do it because the relationship is doomed and you have nothing to lose. The grab-for-ppwer thing is nastier and neds to be stood up to hard and fast. It's a matter of the person communicating this message ' I might leave you if you don't please me. Turn yourself inside out to please me because I am the person here , you are an appendage of me and the worst thing that could ever happen to you is for me to leave you, learn now to do anything to avoid that.'