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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

keeping DH happy without sex

35 replies

Worrier · 26/09/2003 15:40

This is a difficult one to post but ... Here we go.

For medical reasons I can't have intercourse atm, since about 4 months ago. As well as that, DH is looking after me, and having a fairly stressful time at work.
we have 'petted' a few times, but I have trouble getting comfortable, and mutual masturbation isnt as satisfying, certainly for me.

I'm frightened that DH, although understanding, will get tired of waiting, we don't know when this situation will resolve. Or even that once I am able again, he will have stopped having sexual feelings for me. He certainly has stopped showing any romantic feelings in the last couple of weeks.

Can anyone give me any hope. How can I revive my relationship thru this. I am really down.

OP posts:
Blu · 26/09/2003 15:57

Ooooh, this sounds very hard for you. Much sympathy. Have you discussed it in this way with your DH? What do you think you would like most, to come to a shared understanding that although you love your DH, you are both happy for sex to be off the agenda til you are better, or to find some happy sexy medium for the time being?

IME, men do not find non-penetrative sex less satisfying, especially if you can't talk at the time!!!! AS this is MN, I assume you are a mum, and probably went through the changing on/off relationship with sex during pg/post natal period....how did your relationship re-establish itself then? There really are men who put love before sex....are you doubting that he is able to do this?

I know lots of men who have remained loyal, loving and committed through long periods of illness and difficulty....

Write him loving, sexy notes?

bobsmum · 26/09/2003 16:03

Hi worrier - I had a similar situation for a while after ds was born - too much intervention during the delivery screwed up my nerve endings and it was a no go zone for 7 months. It's really difficult, when it's not "the real thing", especially like you say, when you don't know when it will end. I can't really think of anything incredibly constructive at the moment, but if you keep talking about it with dh and let him know that you're frustrated too then that can help. Other than that I'm sure your dh will wait for you. He's probably pulled back because he can see how down you're getting about this. Maybe he doesn't want to upset you more than you already are? That's what happened with my dh, but talking everything through - including my paranoia about him being tempted - really helped.

dadslib · 26/09/2003 16:14

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Worrier · 26/09/2003 16:25

Thank you all. I guess it's really getting to me because I feel sort of old and de-feminized ,new word I think, by being unable to do very little by way of wifely stuff at the moment, I'm normally a home-maker (SAHM), but can't even do any of that.

As I say, DH is under stress at work too (takeover means structural shifting, never know what's happening one day to the next). So he comes home, cooks a meal and does toddlers bedtime, then helps me to wash and get ready for bed. He's very pleased to do it, he says, but recently the bedtimes cuddles have got less. We've even started doing a 'night-night kiss' before he turns over to go to sleep, which seems sort of passionless.

I've asked him if we'll be alright together when all this is over, and he says yes but I'm just unsure how I'll ever get the passion back.

Oh, and after ds was born Sex was great only 3 weeks later , c-section, altho DH had to ask midwife if it would be okay to do it, I was too shy

I was hoping dadslib might answer, I wanted the male perspective.

I don't think I'm very good at BJ's though.

OP posts:
Northerner · 26/09/2003 16:31

Worrier - I'm sure if you both love each other as much as it sounds that you do, you will come through this and be fine.

By the way - I'm crap at BJ's too. So I tend not to give them. Dh always asks for one but I say no.Plus I don't like the smell IYKWIM!

dadslib · 26/09/2003 16:33

Message withdrawn

Northerner · 26/09/2003 16:35

I wish it tasted like a double choc magnum. Then it wouldn't be a problem.

In fact I'd neve leave it alone!

pie · 26/09/2003 16:36

worrier, I can relate to what you say...being unable to move properly for the past few months has effected certain aspects, though with me having such a high sex drive I find ways around it. I have just had to be more adventerous than usual, and ermmm have learnt that even if you think you are not good at BJ (1) you Dh will be more than happy to tell you what to do (2) it doesn't matter if you're any 'good' at them or not because, well it will still feel good for him. You can always try an ice cube or Halls menthol in your mouth, if you're worried about technique.

Are you usually shy about sex, you mentioned after the c/s being too shy to ask mw? If you can think about how to do what you can do in the most exciting way possible then I think you will focus less on what you can't do.

I think the thing is to make both of you feel like there is an effort being made, if thats what you want.

I'm trying really hard not to get explicit with my advice.

Do you have an idea where 'normal service' will resume?

pie · 26/09/2003 16:38

Agree with Dadslib about concentrating mouth on end and using hand nearer the bottom. The menthol sweet helps if you don't like smell/taste and makes it tingle of him....

dadslib · 26/09/2003 16:49

Message withdrawn

Northerner · 26/09/2003 16:56

Dadslib - I find even if DH has showered first it still has a 'smell' about it. I guess some women are turned on by this. Personally I think it chuffin stinks!

Janstar · 26/09/2003 17:09

Worrier, it sounds to me as if your dh is tired, after doing all your usual jobs as well as his own. He might not even want sex most of the time. You really need to talk. When I broke my leg a few months ago it was too much bother to get upstairs, so I used to sleep downstairs. We had very little privacy because of the kids, but we managed one or two quickies downstairs, and once in a while I hiked up the stairs just to make sure he was okay. But the closeness goes, doesn't it, if you are tired and unwell for a long time. In the end we had to deliberately sit together and cuddle watching TV in the evenings and we found this really helped to restore our intimacy.

Original poster
Worrier · 26/09/2003 17:17

Oh, what have I started.

Right, well I can see I've got to errr 'grasp the nettle'. You see he's just not broached the matter for a while, perhaps it is down to me to suggest something. I assume that he's lost interest because what we did manage to do was disappointing.

I know loves me or he'd have b*ggered off months ago, when this started. It's just I'm frightened of it becoming more companionship love than passionate love, IYKWIM.

Pie, I am a bit shy about sex, although loathe to admit it. I'm not prudish, just feel stupid when I try something new. We tried role playing a couple of years ago, but I was just cringing inside. A few weeks ago we were talking, and he said that I had never instigated us having sex, which is almost true, not entirely, but almost.

Thats why its a worry to not have him approach me. He's probably tired too, lots to do poor love.

You've cheered me up a bit though. I've got to plan something for the weekend I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worrier · 26/09/2003 17:19

Janstar, crossed postings

OP posts:
doormat · 26/09/2003 17:28

Worrier if you dont feel comfortable with BJ's dont do them.
Northerner know what you mean, men stink.

I have had celebate periods in my life ie through pg/periods etc and my man loves nothing more than me massaging his body all over with my body.It is very sensual using just small kisses and boobies to make a man hit the mark.

pie · 26/09/2003 18:08

doormat is right, if you don't feel comfortable doing something then don't do it. But if you want to do something and am not feeling confident then I think (personally) that you kinda have to practice.

I couldn't do role play if my life depended on it btw, like you feel daft.

Passion, I think, does have to be worked on, even if you want to be intimate there are a million things that get in the way, esp once you've had children. For me the biggest turn on always comes when DH starts something and I wasn't expecting it. ITs not the same when I KNOW whats going to happen. But when its a surprise I feel so wanted.

Maybe if you are planning something this weekend it would be a good idea not to tell DH, anticipation can be a passion kiler...but please stick to what you are ok with doing, physically and emotionally, that way you're more likely to enjoy yourself too.

Can I ask why you can't get comfortable, as you mentioned in your first post. Does it hurt to be touched.

Am I asking too much??? Oh god I feel like Dr Ruth.

sunchowder · 26/09/2003 18:11

I'm afraid to say anthing.

pie · 26/09/2003 18:15

why???

I really hope I haven't offended anyone

fio2 · 26/09/2003 18:17

pie you never offend me

WideWebWitch · 26/09/2003 18:25

There's a male joke that goes "describe the worst blow job you ever had" ----->"brilliant" Not particularly funny but I've seen men laugh at it (not told by me btw, am crap at telling jokes online and IRL) because I think it's often true - the point being that men generally like blow jobs (understatement of the bloomin' century!) and will be very pleased if you try. I really wouldn't worry about whether you're 'good' at them - as long as you're gentle I really don't think you can go too far wrong. now I feel like Dr Ruth too

Worrier, I wrote you a message earlier saying this must be hard but he probably is stressed. I'd expect my dp to wait if there was a time when we couldn't/I didn't want sex. I hope your health improves soon.

Original poster
Worrier · 26/09/2003 19:12

Pie, I get uncomfortable cos I've had fairly extensive surgery to my hip, and we're waiting for that to heal

Oops got to go,

OP posts:
lou33 · 26/09/2003 19:22

Worrier is it possible that dh has backed off because this is his way of showing you he can wait, and doesn't want to put you under any pressure? He might feel that if he gets too affectionate with you, you will think he is trying to get more than you can give atm, so has backed off completely iyswim.

doormat · 26/09/2003 19:41

He may also think it might hurt you, men can be a bit over protective sometimes.
Do what you feel is right for you
Hope everything is ok and things return to normal.
Hope you get better soon too

rivig · 26/09/2003 19:46

personally, the more you can't have intercourse and have to explore each other and really listen to what is good and then to what is really good - the better it gets, until intercourse can wait IMO!

rivig · 26/09/2003 19:48

wanted to say I felt the same was as you worrier to begin with and eventually learnt that he was happy with waiting and now enjoys the ways we can have fun and so it's brought us even closer than I thought possible. Hope you recover quickly but in the meantime talk if possible, if not have fun until intercourse is possible.