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Original poster

Need some perspective please

41 replies

MeelooMouloo · 01/05/2011 21:50

DH went out at 7pm last night with his friend, had been paintballing all day, everything fine with that, doesn't go out very often. DS woke me crying @ 3am & DH still not home, was little surprised but no unduly worried, was woken again @ 4.30am & he still wasn't home, tried calling but no answer, sent text but no answer. Txt friend but no reply from there either. He called me back & said that he was still waiting for a taxi. He eventually arrived home just after 5am.
Found out this morning that he had been chatting to a woman in one of the pubs & they'd been for a curry afterwards, and he was waiting for a taxi with her when I called. His friend had already gone home before the curry. I know from the curry receipt that he paid for it @ 3.30am & judging by the amount he paid for both their meals. He claims that they waited over an hour for taxis & that he felt he had to wait with her as she was quite drunk & he didn't want her waiting on her own.
After some questioning he tells me that she had asked him back to her house & made it quite clear that she was interested in him, that he had told her he was married etc, insists that nothing happened, that he just wanted to make sure she got home ok, says he didn't get in the same taxi, had seperate.
Do I take it at face value or should I be suspicious. Admits that he found her attractive but insists nothing happened. I would never have thought him capable of infidelity but feeling very insecure now. Am I reading too much into this?

OP posts:
FreudianSlipOnACrown · 01/05/2011 21:52

So the two of them went for a curry together? Just the two of them?

And this was the first time they'd met?

RabidRabbit · 01/05/2011 21:54

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH ignored my calls/texts because he was busy wining and dining a drunken woman at that hour of the morning, who he found attractive and vice versa.

Very silly man to put himself in that situation if all is innocent. Did they swap spit numbers?

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 01/05/2011 21:57

He says initially there were two other men with them who he thought were with her, they had also chatted in the pub. They left before them though.
It wouldn't be the first time that he has played the knight in shining armour to young women so does have history.

OP posts:
Doha · 01/05/2011 21:58

Why the curry and why did his friend not join them.
Was he really out with his friend and did he arrange to bump into this woman.

My husband would be out on his ear if he did this unless he had a very very good excuse.
Sounds decididly dodgy Shock

FabbyChic · 01/05/2011 21:59

Why would he take a woman he met in a pub for a curry and not just come home?

He must have been really interested in her to want to spend time with her which he clearly did.

Would he be happy for you to go out with your mates then go for a curry alone with a random fella you met whilst out?

I doubt it.

I'd be fuking livid pisstaking bastard.

madonnawhore · 01/05/2011 22:02

The very simple acid test for this is: how would he feel if it were the other way round and you had gone for a curry at 3am with a bloke you'd just met down the pub?

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be ok with that.

RabidRabbit · 01/05/2011 22:04

And if he says that he'd be okay with the roles being reversed, it's a load of bollocks. He is saying that so that you then become the unreasonable one for not being the good samaritan he obviously is Hmm

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 01/05/2011 22:05

Says he was going have a kebab anyway & was asked go for a curry so thought why not.

If the show was on the other foot he would be fucking livid & convinced something more had happened.

OP posts:
anonymosity · 01/05/2011 22:05

He is assuaging his guilt by telling you about the evening - as if by making it up front, makes it alright - nothing to hide etc. But its not alright. He basically picked someone up, or got picked up and had a date.

I would kick his arse, literally.

madonnawhore · 01/05/2011 22:07

I don't get the curry part. If the two men she was with left her when they were still in the pub, why the fuck did your H think the smart next move would be to take her for a curry??!

Surely that should have been the end of the evening. Say your goodbyes, everyone gets in a cab and goes home.

Pretty shit of him to ignore your texts and calls throughout the meal too. I wonder what they could have been talking about that he didn't want to interrupt Hmm

madonnawhore · 01/05/2011 22:08

What anonymosity said.

RabidRabbit · 01/05/2011 22:08

So if he was asked to go for a curry, how did he end up paying for it? And the answer to him thinking "Why not?" should have been "No thanks, I have a wife at home and so shouldn't really be going on a date with a drunken woman at 3.30am".

Kimberjem · 01/05/2011 22:09

I would be absolutely furious, I would be gutted about the impression he was giving to the woman he went for dinner with, even if nothing happened he was using her for an ego boost to the detriment of your relationship. think you probably need to probe this a bit more with him because he isn't being honest with you or himself if he tried to argue that his behaviour was harmless to you or your relationship.

FabbyChic · 01/05/2011 22:10

Does he have this womans number?

OneBadAsp · 01/05/2011 22:16

just read this out to DP. he just looked at me, he knows he'd be out on his arse if he came out with this!

i second fabby; did he take her number?

Calixte · 01/05/2011 22:28

Has he said why he didn't answer his phone , how did he know there wasn't an emergency with his dc while he was out eating dinner with a woman he found attractive while you were sorting out dc.

I would stay as calm as you can, but don't try to be Ms Cool Wife, no way is this acceptable even if it is the truth.

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 02/05/2011 05:25

Was initially really upset, now just really angry.

Just to clarify, he claims the two other men went for the curry but left before him & this woman. He claims not to know her name but knows she was mid twenties and they had a mutual interest in art. Says he didn't hear his phone?? (Managed to hear it the second time i called in a matter of 5 mins) Says he hasn't exchanged numbers etc but has deleted his inbox "because it was full" & when I've pressed for details says he "can't remember every detail as he was too drunk" When I then asked how he can be so sure that nothing happened then, that he may have forgotten in a drunken haze he got quite defensive.

Too many grey areas to put this beyond reasonable doubt. Relationship rocky as it is & sadly I think that this may be the final straw for me. Of all the stupid & thoughtless things he's done across me I would NEVER have suspected infidelity but now how can I ever trust him out with his mates again. I can't.

When we were talking about it last night & I got really upset he seemed more sorry for himself & the flack he was getting for it than he did for hurting me.

OP posts:
Calixte · 02/05/2011 05:46

Meeloo does he understand you feel you have reached this point?
It sounds like he thinks if he keeps up the vague/ drunken haze thing , you will get tired of asking and life can go back to " normal".

Is it acceptable in your relationship for him to stay out all night , getting so drunk he doesn't know what he is doing?

With a wife and child I would expect my ds to have a few drinks and fun yes but not getting so wasted he is chatting to random women
and out until dawn. That is teenage / uni behaviour , if you are still doing that in your
30s seems immature.
How old is your dh and when did you marry? Is this behaviour apart from the curry date usual?

Calixte · 02/05/2011 05:49

I wouldn't expect my ds to be out drinking he is a tiny baby , meant dh.

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 02/05/2011 06:25

He doesn't know yet Calixte, we have had counselling in the recent past & for a while things were better.

It's not acceptable for him to get this drunk & stay out, however, it keeps happening everytime he goes out on nights out with this particular old friend. It's not the 1st time he's arrived home with the dawn chourus. He didn't leave home until he moved in with me in 2007, we married later that year after being together for 12mths, but we have know each other since high school. He is VERY immature for his age but likes to argue that he isn't, sadly his behaviour very much contradicts this. He's terrible with money, I guarentee he's already spent all his disposable cash for the month on this one night out. This is another thing we argue about every month & every month he does the same thing. He is 36 by the way.

My independent fiesty streak is telling me to just get out but I do love him even if I don't like him at the moment. Don't want to just give up on my marriage without trying very hard to save it.

OP posts:
handsoffmycake · 02/05/2011 06:44

Talk to him some more.

Tell him that his attitude to the whole thing is making you more suspicious and that just some consideration and apologies would have helped.

I am all for trying very hard to save a marriage. Just have to make sure both sides want it as badly.

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 02/05/2011 06:48

Think I'm going send the kids over my parents this morning & sit down with him. Am I wrong for wanting to get the sequence of everything that happened straight in my head. Seems really important to me.

OP posts:
ohgawdherewegoagain · 02/05/2011 06:58

You are not wrong at all. Sounds like this could be make or break and at least one of you is putting the appropriate degree of thought into such a serious situation. I will never understand men at all. Your husband is a complete dickhead.

EttiKetti · 02/05/2011 07:05

Hope you get somewhere this morning, Meloo

Your husband owes it to you to explain the complete sequence of events, he might not recall all the conversation but he certainly will remember what happened and to what extent if he was sober enough to realise she was v drunk and needed waiting for a taxi with.....but having PAID for a curry at 3.30am and getting home 1.5 hrs later, with eating time, surely they stopped drinking by 2.30 latest and she would have been sobering up by then...?

|I would be very suspicious and bloody fuming.

Original poster
MeelooMouloo · 02/05/2011 07:40

Am so angry & upset that it's making me physically ill (stress always affects me this way)

Want to go upstairs & wake him up now to sort it out now.

I now know the pub he was at shut at 2.00am so they will have been out of there by 2.15am at the latest & that his curry cost £7.00!!!!! Even more fucking angry now, trying contain it as DS1 up & at 11 yrs he reads very well :)

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