Need some perspective please

[MeelooMouloo]

DH went out at 7pm last night with his friend, had been paintballing all day, everything fine with that, doesn't go out very often. DS woke me crying @ 3am & DH still not home, was little surprised but no unduly worried, was woken again @ 4.30am & he still wasn't home, tried calling but no answer, sent text but no answer. Txt friend but no reply from there either. He called me back & said that he was still waiting for a taxi. He eventually arrived home just after 5am.
Found out this morning that he had been chatting to a woman in one of the pubs & they'd been for a curry afterwards, and he was waiting for a taxi with her when I called. His friend had already gone home before the curry. I know from the curry receipt that he paid for it @ 3.30am & judging by the amount he paid for both their meals. He claims that they waited over an hour for taxis & that he felt he had to wait with her as she was quite drunk & he didn't want her waiting on her own.
After some questioning he tells me that she had asked him back to her house & made it quite clear that she was interested in him, that he had told her he was married etc, insists that nothing happened, that he just wanted to make sure she got home ok, says he didn't get in the same taxi, had seperate.
Do I take it at face value or should I be suspicious. Admits that he found her attractive but insists nothing happened. I would never have thought him capable of infidelity but feeling very insecure now. Am I reading too much into this?

i agree with etti, he at least owes you the sequence of events. does he even realise how serious the situation is? sounds like he needs it spelling out to him.

i would definitely go with putting the shoe on the other foot. how would he feel if you'd gone out, leaving him to be responsible for DS, whilst you chatted up an 'attractive' man who found you attractive too, who you then effectively took on a date. and ignored all of his calls/texts. until 5am. if he would have been angry and convinced it had gone further, then ask him why you shouldn't think that? and what is he going to do to convince you otherwise?

good luck meeloo, thinking of you.

Meeloo,

re your comment:-
"My independent fiesty streak is telling me to just get out but I do love him even if I don't like him at the moment. Don't want to just give up on my marriage without trying very hard to save it".

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. These thorny questions need to also be considered.

You have not given up on this marriage and you seem to have worked far harder than he has in trying to save this. How many more stupid and or thoughtless things will you tolerate from him?.

I am not at all casting aspertions for trying to save this but you simply cannot save a marriage on your own.

Thanks for all your comments.

We sat down on Monday & I interrogated him for an hour about exactly what had happened. He clarified that he had no idea she was interested in him whilst they had been talking in the pub & maintains he made it clear he was married when she asked him to go back to her place whilst they were at the curry house. He thinks that she gave him £10.00 towards the bill. He maintains that she was fall down drunk and that he only waited with her till they could get a taxi as he didn't want her lying in the street on her own.

My gut tells me he is being pretty honest about all this. He does have a history of helping vulnerable women & sadly not realising how it can be perceived. He agreed that he should not have gone for a curry, should have just come home & says he is feeling very guilty and ashamed, especially for upsetting me the way he has. I don't think he did realise the possible implications and I have spelt it out in no uncertain terms what will happen should he digress, even innocently, again.

It doesn't get him off the hook & I'm still really annoyed with him for being so bloody stupid. We are looking into returning for some further marriage counselling & are setting some very firm ground rules for what is & is not acceptable on boys nights out.

Must point out that up to this point I would never have questioned his fidelity, his previous partner cheated on him & he was really hurt so you would think he'd be a bit more clued up but he is very dense when it comes to women & flirting.

She was fall down drunk, yet managed to eat and keep down a curry, whilst making conversation about their mutual interests? In my experience, being 'fall down drunk' usually means that the only words I can bring myself to mutter are "I'm such an embarrassment!" and "Mummmmm"

Something still isn't ringing true for me, call me cynical, but I don't think he is as naive as he is making out.

But I do hope everything turns out okay for you, and you can move forward if that is what you both wish to do. Good luck x

"he is very dense when it comes to women & flirting"

I am totally no expert, which is why I rarely comment on the relationships board. I will say, though, that I have never, ever encountered a man who didn't know that he was being flirted with - only men who claimed not to know to avoid aggro from jealous wives/girlfriends.

eta: I was never the one flirting! Only an interested nosy observer of other people's relationships.

I think there is still too much doubt about the whole situation. The ignored texts and calls. What if there had been an emergency at home?

Why is he going out and behaving like this anyway?

Is it normal for father's of small children to go out and get wasted and come home in the wee hours of the morning? I think that alone spells disaster, not to mention the inclusion of a woman met in a bar and accompanied to a curry house.

I am sorry, but I would challenge him. There are missing hours in the story. What on earth was going on during those hours?

'Got form for helping vulnerable pretty young women' means 'got form for at least snogging them and pulling the wool over your eyes' I'm afraid.

It also concerns me that you say he is crap with money as well as prone to disappearing with pretty young women. He sounds pretty immature and selfish.
The thing is, when someone does something which upsets another person and apologises for the behaviour, if s/he doesn't then avoid repeating the behaviour, s/he is not really sorry at all. He's done this before and is going to continue doing it becasue he likes doing it. You may well be right about it being nothing but an ego boost and he isn't actually sticking his cock anywhere he shouldn't, but it's still an ego boost at your expense.

Actually, didn;'t you post a thread before about him 'rescuing' some drunk woman, taking her home and putting her to bed and disappearing for hours?

maybe he's a serial killer.

I think its worth talking to him about, but I definitely don't think it's "make or break". If you've never suspected him of infidelity before then I wouldn't start now unless you have concrete proof - the fact he told you everything indicates to me that he was just being stupid and insensitive (as men are) and didn't realise that what he was doing was a big deal. If THAT is a recurring theme you might have to talk to him more as it's very hard to live with.

On the other hand, say it's completely true. I would rather be with someone who would wait an hour for a taxi with a stranger just to stop them getting hurt, than someone who would just leave them by the wayside at 3.30am.

When I started going out with my fiance he had a LOT of female friends, some of whom I knew fancied him rotten. He'd sometimes stay at their houses (at this point, we both still lived with our parents) and then not leave until the evening the day after. They'd drink and he'd try and help them when they had problems. It caused me a lot of worries and insecurities but I kept quiet as I had no proof he was cheating and felt like we could have something special. Eventually I realised that if you trust someone enough, things like this are a good sign - if he's kind to strangers, he'll be kind to those he loves and most likely be a good father.

Talk to him about it, make it clear you were worried when he didn't answer his phone, but as hard as it may be don't accuse him of cheating and try put it out of your mind.

I'd let him know I was unimpressed and then drop it

what can you gain except more rows and bad feelings

you have said its not on, leave it at that

He really is THAT dense when it comes to flirting. As an expert in this field I can say that with all honesty, he had no idea I fancied him though I flirted like mad with him, I had to ask him out. He will chat to people but is actually quite shy and lacks self confidence.

eirinn 14 for all his faults he does have a stong sense of doing the right thing. I haven't posted about him putting drunk women to bed but he has helped them get taxis etc before, even when I have been with him. (I am far less philanthropic on these matters than he is).

However, he is selfish & when out with his mates, especially those he knew before we met, he turns back into his pre-marriage self & becomes a bit of a tit. He does know this but thankfully he doesn't go out that often anymore.

Not worried at all that he's having any kind of extra marital fun but am likely to be more vigilent for signs now, it's up to him now to prove he really is sorry by not doing anything so stupid again.

I know what you mean - mine is the same when on the xbox, he turns right back into a 15 year old and tries to pretend he's jack-the-lad!
It's annoying but I tend to just put up with it and balance it against how he is the rest of the time...as long as it's not an everyday occurrence. It is up to you at the end of the day though, what you feel you can put up with.

Meloo, OK, there was another poster who had some similar-ish story about a bloke who took a pissed work colleague home, put her to bed and then took four hours to make a three minute cycle ride home or something. If this isn't you, fair enough.
But I am a bit generally about folk who are so babes-in-the-wood about flirting. It's often a cover for 'I'm incredibly attractive and all the more so because I pretend not to realise the fact, so just remember you are lucky to have me at all'.

Springchicken know where your coming from but he really isn't that attractive & defo does not love himself that way. (I find him attractive of course but he's no George Clooney) :)

He's dealing with the fallout in the usual blokey way, can't understand why it just won't all go away now we've spoken about it.